OMG!!! I went to my CA home group meeting tonight and as soon as I got there (early as usual) one of the guys in my home group approached me about being on the H&I panel at UAB Hospital next Wednesday. They want me to tell my story. UAB has asked them to find women in CA with just a few months clean to tell her story to the folks in inpatient detox/rehab. They feel like it will make more of an impact coming from someone who just 90 days ago, hit her bottom and has made her way into recovery. I'll be a few days short of 90 days required, but they are making an exception for some reason. I only can think that my higher power has a plan with this.

I'm honored, excited, scared, happy, teary eyed.... the feelings are just pouring out. I never expected to be asked this soon in recovery to even think that I would have something this huge to offer. I'm flattered that the regular guys on the panel/fellow addicts think I can do this so soon.

In meetings, I'm not very talkative. But outside smoking before and after meetings I talk almost as much as I post. :D Too bad I can't just type it all out and give it as handouts. lol

I have 15 minutes to tell my story. I need input from you guys, as well as my sponsor and other CA friends are going to talk to me in preparation for this event.

I'm not afraid of public speaking, competed and won in high school public speaking many years ago. Part of my employment in the past was in continuing education for physicians and nurses, so talking to large groups isn't the issue. I guess my greatest fear is getting through it without breaking down. I know I will cry at points and that is just me. If I told my story a million times for a million years, I can tell you that I would cry each and everytime. Hell, I cry everytime I hear "American Soldier" by Toby Keith and everytime I watch "Steel Magnolias" (which I've seen probably 20 times). :rolleyes:

Congrats Arememom! That is wonderful that they want you to share your story. You will be a wonderful inspiration to those trying to get clean!

Arememom - whew..I remember the first time I got up in front of a group to tell my story..what a lump of raw nerves an emotions I was. I had to stand up there for a whole hour..yikes. Just get up there and tell it like it is. Focus more on the recovery and the way you feel now. I've found you have to give a bit of background about the using days so people can relate to your story..just try not to dwell in it...make sure they get the message that there is life after drugs.

It's okay if you tear up, doesn't that just show that you now have feelings and that you have gratitude? If you stood up there completely emotionless would people believe you or think you're full of it? I always found the animated, emotional speakers who really seemed to feel what they were sharing were the most believable when I was in early recovery. Heck I've seen grown men stand up there and cry telling their story..no shame in it.

You'll do just fine. I used to be involved in H&I through a local state prison meeting. I remember all the security checks I used to have to go through and the desperate empty looks on the peoples faces...I'd always leave there so very grateful. But for the grace of god...ya know. You will probably find that you really enjoy sharing the message of recovery in this way. I always found it rewarding & sobering.

Good luck..let us know what happens with the job & with the H&I work. You'll be an inspiration.

arememom, GOD has a plan for you, as sure as I am typing this he does, allow him to use you in any way he has fit, This is great for you, the more you talk openly the better you will become, helping others is always the way to help ourself. and cry if you must because that is the true part that they will see, and can really open there eyes too. Talk from your heart and soul.If you save one life from the demon drugs, you have really done something. There may be that one person needing to hear what you have to say in order to get and stay clean, AND LIVE.............Ask god to talk thought you as you speak............ felicia

Even though I did relapse I did may attention to some things in meetings and when I had to share my story I like you, I was a ball of nerves, and got all kinds of avice from other people hwo had shared there story and got great idelas from everyone, I think it is great that they would have you share your stiry so early in recovery, I shared mine towards the end of my stay with NA and had a tiny bit of hope to share with people, my first bit of advice to you is to just stop thinking about it,just use this time to get some more expercience and hope before you have to get up and share your story, first and four most dont write it down and try and memorize your story, just pray a lot that, a little more then usual but nothing big, dont know if you habe started with the meditation things yet,but that always helps, on the way there just ask your higher power for the strength to get you thry this,say the serinity prayer and get up there and just open your mouth and I promise you it will just come right out, no one wants to hearyou read or watch you read from a piece of paper, what you are going to shre withthese folks are true raw emotion, so if you dont cry, i would think there was a problem,just from what i have read on here , you have a lot of very positive things to share and like beginagain saud, dont dwell on what or how you used, we all know each other can use, and we sure do know how to use, so what you are gonna do is start from the begining,and let them know where you came from, little bit about growing up, then go into where you have been, which should be things like right around the time you hit your bottom, keep that part real short and sweet and the you spend most of the time sharing where you are going, in other words share all your experience, strength and hope you have had in your time at NA/CA and that should be what the bulk of your story comes from, I am sure you will cry and most of the people there will to, you are real fresh, the wounds are still fresh, as theres are to, i think this will be a great experience, just remeber, dont think to much about it, you really cant ask anyone for help.......THIS IS YOUR STORY and only YOU KNOW IT AND ONLY YOU HAVE LIVED IT, I know from reading your posts this is going to be sooooooooooo easy for you....few things.........serenity prayer, ask HP for some guidance, tell then where you came from, where you have been and where you are going, the time will fly,,,,,,you can do this.....i know it is very overwhelming to think about all of it at once,but lets face it...........we are addicts and one of the things we do best, is talk.....and someone wants you to talk and have it be all about you........NOT A PROBLEM................BIG HUGS.................CHRISTINE :bouncing:

Arememom -

I can only say that if you speak anywhere nearly as good as you post, you'll be the biggest hit in Dixie! Honestly, I have just come back to the boards to get through a rough time (honestly for you all to GET ME through a rough time), and your words speak to me in a way I can't describe. I'm am confident that you'll do GREAT. From someone that has been to NA here in your fair city, I think that we can benefit so much from your wisdom and insight.

You are very honest and open about your past use, and that is important to me. I went to NA for the first thirty days of my recovery and I stopped in part because those that had been clean for a while seemed to give the impression that they had lost touch with how hard it is to stay clean. The other group that scared me away was the DIE HARD druggies that told tales so terrible with such bad grammar and cursing that I could hardly stand to hear them. I've done some terrible things, sure, but I don't boast of them resplendent with every four letter word you can think of.

YOU are not either of those types. You are a lovely person, one that I relate to a lot, caring and trying to help others going through the same thing you are. You are not a caricature (sp?) of a drug addict and you are certainly able to make a positive difference -A DEFINITE ROLE MODEL (I bet that after what all you've been through, you never thought you'd hear that, huh?). If you help these folks in person as much as you've helped so many on this board, I think that this is definitely something you'll be asked to do many times over again. Just think, if we keep it by giving it away, you're going to have clean time stockpiled :)

It is so weird to me that I've probably run into you at Wal Mart or something around here and never even knew who you were. If I ever meet you, you're going to get one big hug from me!! Along those lines, now that we've been through hell and back with these drugs, do you ever look around, like at Wal Mart, at all the people and think that everyone has a story and wonder what their's is? I just know that most folks would never guess the things I've been through. Food for thought.

You will knock 'em dead, I just know it.

So very happy for you Arememom,

Input (as requested) for H&I speaking:

--Experience, strength & hope.
--What is was like, what happened, and what it is like now.
--You're in the action business, not the results business.
--if it's coming from the heart, let it flow (but watch the clock)
--don't worry if you get emotional if it's part of the truth
--Talk about the the power of the steps you've worked and are working.
--it's very rewarding so get ready to do a lot more H&I

I'm the chair for an H&I in my area and I'd bend the rules for someone like you too. You're a good example of "it works if you work it."

s.s.

Hi sumtimes slowy, :wave:

Thanks for the input. As each day passes (with all the support and information), being scared is getting less and less. Last night I read "The Promises" in our meeting. This was the first time I have actually spoken in a meeting. Like I said before I talk a lot before and after meetings. Our chair person last night asked me to read and I would not say "No". I know my higher power led him to ask me to read in preparatiion for Wednesday night. Who knows he may lead me to speak up and share in a meeting before Wednesday. Hope you have a good day.

Hey Arememom,

It was similar for me regarding sharing at first. In my case, I was brought up not to "air my dirty laundry" but today I (try to) carry the message not the mess. I also felt that since I was not knowledgeble with the in's and out's of the program I had no place sharing--wrong! the newcomer or short-timer is the lifeblood of the meeting. I'm still no expert--that's OK, there are none. The rest was just perfectly normal human nature: new person in new and unfamiliar surroundings. Now, when I get started, they can't shut me up.

So you read The Promises, huh....then you must have found my screen name buried in there. I love The Promises--it's almost like the prayer before the prayer! They've absolutely come true for me.

I never turn down an AA or CA request either (sometimes to my consternation). That's how I end up as the main speaker at a speaker meeting (I tend not to volunteer for that job!) H&I will help you hone your story, which I think is a great testimonial. When I speak (H&I or speaker meeting), I'm just a conduit for higher power, God. My job is simply to "translate the signal" to others--it's all about doing good for them, not looking good for me.

I can't wait to read how it goes--have fun!

s.s.

Hey sumtimes slowly, :wave:

As each day passes and it gets closer to Wednesday I go through many emotions. Today, I'm not nervous or scared, just excited to have this opportunity. I'm sure the nerves will hit on Wednesday. Probably once I'm at the meeting and it's too late to chicken out. :D

I've done a lot of soul searching in the last week, discovered and admitted things to myself that I wasn't willing to admit about my many years of drug abuse. Even though I never considered myself an addict, I drank to excess at times, smoked pot off and on for over 30 years. You guys are the first to hear that admission. :eek:

But when I found my DOC this past February, it was ON from the very first hit. I've listened to everyone's advice regarding speaking. I have decided to only write down a few key words, dates just in case I need some focus. Other than that I have taken the advice of many to speak from my heart. Keep me in your prayers, as I do each of you. And I definitely will have good things to post after the meeting on Wednesday night.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Hey Everyone, :wave:

Well I survived the H&I panel. I wasn't even nervous today while just waiting for the time to come to leave for the meeting. When I arrived, there were two guys from our group there. We went in and started getting the chairs in a circle. Rehab folks were coming in. As we were sitting down, 7 more folks from our CA group walked in.

We started our meeting and our chairperson announced that there were two main speakers tonight and introduced us. I told the young guy to go first and he did.

After saying, Hi, My name is ........ and I'm an addict, it all just began to pour out. The story and the tears. I cried through the whole damn thing. Even had to stop a few times. I didn't even take my cheatsheet out of my pocket. I could see people young and old relating to what I was saying. I was so glad to have the support of my fellow CA members there.

But boy, most of them were surprised when they heard me say what my drug of choice was. As I've said before, I've never talked in a meeting. A few members that I hang out with knew my doc. But only one that was present tonight knew. One of our young female members was so funny. She came up to me after the meeting and said how it blew her away. She said I always thought that maybe your doc was alcohol. You don't look like a crackhead. :D She and I were laughing and hugging. I told her that, that is what eveyone sayes when they finally know. As a society, we have all the preconceived ideas of what crack/meth addicts look like, act like. And for those of us in the programs, we know there is no such stereo-type. We come from all walks of life and when clean can look like regular people.

After the meeting, several of the inpatients came and talked to me. It felt so wonderful talking to them about my recovery and how the 12 step program is working for me and I truly think it's saved my life. Many said they want to come to our meeting site when they get out. I plan to continue to attend these meetings on Wednesdays. Our group doesn't have a meeting at our location on Wednesday, so I usually find a different place to go each week. But I may have found a place to go each Wednesday, where hopefully I can help others to follow us to this wonderful way of life.

Way to go Arememom!

Didn't that feel good to get that out to all those ears in need? I'll bet you sleep like a baby tonight.

Yeah, that's one of the upsides of being a recovering crack addict: the shock value (lol). Outsiders especially, they think crack addiction only happens in New Jack City. At least out here in the OC, you can't tell the difference between a room full of addicts at a CA meeting, and a room full of Disney employees. Or grocery checkers!--what's more normal than a grocery checker?!

Us crackheads clean-up pretty nicely if I do say so.

Again, that's just great news. Encore!

s.s.

Hey sumtimes slowly, :wave:

You're right about the rooms of CA. We have doctors, lawyers, corporate executives, homeless, halfway house folks.....on and on. And I love to look at the faces of people when I tell them my doc. lol Isn't it great to be able to laugh about it. Even though it's only been three months, when I think back on it at times it seems like a lifetime ago. It's almost like it was this horrible nightmare and now I'm awake. But it's a living nightmare that I'd just as soon never return. Hope you're having a great day.

Oh by the way, ever watch the TV series "The OC" :D It's a favorite of ours. My daughter and I use to watch it together every week.

Way to go!! I knew you'd do just fine!

Hello Arememom, I just joined these boards tonite, and I have to say that my doc was the same as yours and with only 53 days, I still have a hard time calling myself a crack-head. I guess I still feel shame, and my fiance used to call me a junkie, so it's kindof a sore spot. But reading your posts here let me know that eventually, this too shall pass. I can tell you must have been an inspriation when you spoke. I wish I could've heard it.

Hey mischief, :wave:

You know, I can call myself and fellow CA friends crackheads now and laugh about it. But let some self righteous a..hole do it and it might be a different story. :D What I hated even more was when I was using and my still using ex-boyfriend would call me that, I would really get upset. I hated what I was and had become. But with getting clean something changed. I know that as I got physically, mentally and spiritually stronger my feelings changed. We must deal with the guilt and feelings of worthtlessness. I felt like a piece of sh.. when I first got clean. But I'm not that, never was. I was and am just an addict. Don't ever let anyone make you feel worthless or bad about yourself. I cut out people in my life that can't be supportive and help me in this fight.

Hurray for you being 53 days clean. :bouncing: :bouncing: :bouncing: :bouncing: :bouncing:

I'm 87 days clean (as of midnight) and can't wait to pick up that chip in three more days. After the meeting tonight, a group of us went to eat and sing karaoke. It was fun. I sat and talked to a guy (CA member) with 10 years clean. We talked about making friends in the program and keeping some distance, letting go of the one's who go back out and use. He said don't try to save them, they'll only pull you back out. He said. "You know, they'll come in and go out and come in and go out. A vicious cycle and in five years they may come back in and actually get it. My response to him was, "Well my butts gonna be sitting in my chair waiting on them to come back in". He just smiled and said, " I think you've got it." This is a guy who is hard core 12 step program. He can recite the book. He not only talks the talk, he walks the walk. He steps on toes along the way, but it's because he tells us things we don't wanna hear sometimes. He's the type of friends I want. He obviously is doing something right. Are you in outpatient rehab or CA? Glad you're here. Keep on going one day at a time.

BeginAgain,

Thank you so much. Hope you're feeling well. Enjoy this weekend and know that I'll be thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.

Just read your message on this thread. Yeah, my still using ex called me a crackhead and a junkie. You really spoke to me there. I know I'm not alone in this recovery or in the things I went through. Also, I think my ex is doing the half-measures. I don't know whether he's serious or just giong through the motions. What I do know is that what he's doing or not doing is no longer my problem. That's been really hard, but until he's got some time, he cannot be part of my life.

Heck, I don't have anything to offer right now. I don't even really know myself yet. But I still see part of the woman I used to be. So she's not lost, and I will find her again. She may need an attitude adjustment, but there were some really good qualities I had that I was afraid I had lost forever. It was like my spirit was broken. I never want to feel that way again.

I'll talk to you later tonite. THANKS

Hey Mischief, :wave:

You think that you don't have something to offer. Every time you post, you give me something to think about. That is part of the recovery process. So continue to post, knowing that you are helping others.

What you made me think about this morning, was how lost I felt just a month or so ago. I too wondered if I would ever get myself back. Slowly, with each passing day, I get stronger and see the good things wihin myself coming back to the surface. You are absolutely right about your spirit being broken. But it will mend and as it does you will gain more and more strength.

As for your bf. Even if he gets clean, my suggestion is not to jump back in a relationship as soon as it happens. There are so many who get clean and go back out within a few months. The cycle seems to be 3 mo, 6 mo, 9 month, 1 yr, 18 mo. 2 yrs. For today, I truely believe in the theory of no intimate/sexual relationships for at least a year. And I can tell you that was a tough one for me before getting clean. I always felt I needed a relationship to be whole. Now I know I must work on me, love me, before I can give to another. I need to be okay with just being me, learning new coping skill, learning to love myself.

Good evening, Arememom.

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. Before my bf had moved in, I had spent 7 years without a relationship, and it was during those years that I began to use drugs, before that, it was alcohol and completely unrewarding and unreciprocated relationships. Your post here helped me realize that although I thought I had learned to enjoy my own company being alone for those years, I hadn't. I just found another lover-- the drugs. I have a lot of work to do on me. I have a life coach, and an addictionologist doctor and they are helping me with the codependent behavior that I learned growing up. I know that I cannot be involved, but I haven't completely let go either.

I still talk to him, but I tell him we are not together. Trouble is, he and I were best friends for many years before we became a couple. I know it will probably come to the point where we need to let each other go completely, but I am giving up one thing at a time. I limit our conversations, and as long as he is not abusive, demanding or controlling, and our talks do not jeopardize my sobriety, my sponsor said it's ok for now.

I am still ashamed of what I had become, but I know I will get over it. I see that when I look around the rooms.

You have 90 days now, or it's coming soon, right? You really are a godsend right now. You seem to know just what I need to hear.

Hey Mischief, :wave:

I'll have 90 days on Monday. Can't wait, I'm so excited. I never do anything half way. That's why my drug of choice brought me down in just 7 months. Sobriety will be the same. I'll probablly drive my close family/friends crazy.

What's a life coach? Sounds like something I could use too. Teach you how to deal with life healthly?

I was at outpatient rehab tonight. You know there are people there by court order, who don't think they have a problem or they are dealers as well as addicts. I'm very verbal in rehab. One of the guys who doesn't want to be there, passed by me and said something smart to me and another young woman about going to a CA meeting tonight after rehab. Our counselor and I had talked this young woman into following me to the meeting. I can't even remember exactly what he said (that's how unimportant it was to me). But I looked him in the eye and said, "I'd rather be a f...... recovering crackhead, than be you." I'll be clean and happy in a year from now and he's probably on his way to prison. The guys and gals in rehab who don't want to be there are not cut any slack by the counselor and strong recovering addicts. He irritated me because everyone was included in our conversation conviencing this young woman to take the next step in recovery. And his smart mouth comment could have very well sent her away from recovery.

Eighty-eight days ago, I was this crying, emotionally drained, guilty feeling person. I did feel like I was a piece of sh.. But today, just a short time later the strength I'd had before drugs is back and more.

Hey Arememon,

I am so happy you were able to convince her to go with you tonight. I love to help people, too. you are an inspriation and I am sure she'll be back. It's good to get out of yourself sometimes. That a..hole who made that comment is just an a..hole. I like your way of handling him. I don't know if I'd have been able to be so HONEST with him. :)

I progressed into my doc. I began with all the club drugs, even went to the hospital for taking too much GHB, but didn't stop there. I jump into everything with both feet, too. I AM serious about recovery, but I still have the cravings. I know why they say 90 in 90. It's weird, I feel better, like I've done so well, but the cravings are stronger now that the memory of the bad place using took me is beginning to fade. My disease is telling me that I'll be able to just get a little and I'll be able to stop. A man in a meeting last night said "My disease talks to me in the voice I think with, and I know it wants me dead." I just keep praying for God to take this obsession away. That's all I can do, and I am so glad I can talk about it in the wee hours of the morning with you guys!!

A life coach is just like what is sounds like. She is a therapist/counselor, and helps with the addictions, not just to drugs. She is there to help with my relationships, not just to counsel about not picking up. Meetings are good for "whatever happens, you don't need to pick up," but she helps with designing new behaviors so that I don't put myself in those positions that trigger me to want to pick up. Does that make any sense to you?