I haven’t been here in a while, but I just wanted to post a reminder of the inevitable result of active addiction. My cousin has just passed away as a result of his addictions. He had some very painful things happen to him in his life, and he began drinking and overeating as a way to cope with that pain. Before long, he wound up with diabetes, then cirrhosis of the liver. He lost his job, his home, all of his friends. He moved back in with his parents and, I think due to his feelings of shame and dependence, he became very bitter. He just gave up on everything and hid away. He had a couple very close brushes with death as a result of the internal bleeding caused by his drinking, and his doctors assured him that he would die if ever drank again. He wouldn’t listen, I think because he couldn’t. Because he was at that point so alone in his obsessions and addictions that death did not seem too high a price to pay to ease the cycle of hurting.
My aunt found him Tuesday night, vomiting blood and unable to stand. It took nine paramedics to get him into an ambulance. They tell us that he has been bleeding rectally for days, not telling anyone. At the hospital, his kidneys failed. Dialysis was unsuccessful because of the internal bleeding. His liver shut down completely, he was put on life support. His only chance of survival would have been a liver transplant, but he was not considered a candidate because of his continued drinking. His family had no choice but to turn off the life support machine and let him go with morphine, water and oxygen. He died about 19 hours later. He was not even 40 years old.
It really hurts me to hear people saying "he did it to himself" and "he caused his mother so much pain, it’s better this way" or "he just made one terrible decision after another." That hurts. If anyone is reading this who has experienced addiction, I’ll bet you know what I mean. It hurts because all he wanted to do was to find a way to cope with his pain (and believe me, this man experienced some very unfortunate things, he had pain). He didn’t mean to hurt anyone else, he didn’t intend to be selfish, he didn’t intend to lose everything. But the more things fell apart around him, the more he turned to the one and only thing that seemed to ease his terrible feelings of fear and isolation. Addiction is a devastating mental illness, and unless an addict summons and incredible amount of courage and strength to get help, this is what happens in the end. Not one of us can judge him, because we do not know what it felt like to live in his mind. I’ve even been told while he was still alive, "just look at how awful his life was. It’s better if he dies" and I am angry. Because his life was worth just as much as anyone else’s, but he was sick, he was not a terrible person. I guess I’m mainly angry at all the judgements I am hearing, even one completely neurotic relative who tells me that he is "going to hell" for "basically committing suicide" and putting his family through so much pain. As if any one of us is more than a few steps away from total devastation, and who is to judge? What person, I don’t care how good your coping mechanisms or whatever are, what one of us has never hurt another person with our actions? I’m really angry at addiction in general, because it is such a lonely, lonely place to be. What if I could have told him that I understood? I never did though.
Anyway, thanks for reading. I guess I tell this story as a reminder to everyone recovering that even when it gets hard and you’re tired and just want relief in your drug of choice, you won’t find it there. So keep fighting and praying.

Sylvia..what a heart breaking and powerful story. I pray it touches one person or makes one addict take another look at what they are doing to their lives and potentially to their family. If so, taking the time to post the story was worth it. I know it touched me and I'm sure it will speak to someone else out there.

I am so sorry for your loss. I truly am. I do know what you mean. Unfortunately some never quite reach a bottom no matter how much they loose. I've never really understood what makes one of us finally see the light and the next never quite see it. I know sometimes we can stand on the outside looking in and we can plainly see the destruction...but the person who is destroying themselves just can't seem to grasp it....or if they do can't quite find their way back.

You are right. He was not a terrible person, he was not morally deficient, he was not worthless, he did not intentionally cause harm to his family, he was worth saving..just like every one of us here is worthy.

God bless you and your family. May you find peace and some comfort. I can tell by reading your post you are really hurting. We are here to listen if needed. Thank you for sharing with us.

Hi Sylvia224, :wave:

I too am so sorry to hear of your family members death. I agree with everything you and BeginAgain posted. No one deserves a horrible death. It's so sad that so many non-addicts/alcoholics in the world don't even want to try to understand addiction. They say the most horrid things. Pray for them to have some direction and that God will touch their heart. I do this on almost a daily basis because of family members who think that as an addict all you have to do is say "No". And as addicts we know how silly that is. Addiction is a disease, but many do not believe that and unfortunately we'll never be able to change the world.

I just got home from a CA meeting and one of our oldtimers was there tonight. He had moved away years ago, but unfortuntely he came back home two days ago because his brother was murdered due to drugs. His brother had been clean and a member of my home group years ago also. But his addiction had taken him back out. I didn't know either one of them, but my heart just broke. After he shared, each person after him shared their pain of losing fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, children to this horrible disease. Being the emotional person that I am I finally had to get up and go to the bathroom. I cried through the whole meeting, but at the end I felt so out of control. My group knows that I'm the emotional crying type. So my fellow addicts just give me a hug and know that I'm crying for the pain of others. I'm a nurse and have been for over 23 years. I worked ER and Intensive Care for 14 years. I cried for every family (with them) when their loved one died while they were in my care. I can tell how much pain you are in and hope with each passing day it will become less. Time heals all wounds they say. Turn to us, your higher power and whoever you need to verbalize and dump out all that pain, anger and resentment. That's what eats us alive and sends us back down that horrible road. Don't beat yourself up. Again, I am so sad for your pain and the loss of someone you loved. We'll be here to listen when you have the need to talk.

Thank you for posting that. I'm having a hard time right now quitting. I don't want to hurt anyone, myself included, but somehow the pain has gotten so unbearable I can't get out of this hole. But your post has reminded me that what I feel is my wasted life isn't just my own. I have people who care about me and I'm hurting them, too.

I'm so sorry for you and your family. I'm sorry you've had to hear insensitive comments about your cousin's addiction. Everybody deals with grief in different, sometimes very selfish ways. And some people are simply self-righteous a**holes. But I know you know that.

Hi
You post sent shivers down me....and I can't stop them. Along with bringing tears to my eyes...I would say your post hit home.
The worst part was when I read how others think he is better off dead and how much pain he caused others while alive.......Oh God....is that what people will say about me if I don't stop?
I am not better off dead!!!! I still have a life and am a good, loving person.
I have to get off now because I am crying too much to continue writing.
I am so sorry for your loss.
JJ

JJ, I think the people who would say such a thing would be feeling hurt and betrayed, and that's how they would deal with their grief. Those who love you and care about would be angry at you, could you blame them? But they will love you know matter what happens.

Whilst reading this post I really wanting to judge and dismiss him in some why, something about this situation brought to memory the old self that I once lived through. I remember only too well the many nights that I would pray I didn't wake up the next day, or the times I would walk out into the road, thinking either that car stops or he hits me- so what! I remember the 3 times I took an overdose coming down of a bender and realising that I was never going to get back to the "the Garden of Eden" that the 1st drink promised me!!! No body loves me, I don't care etc etc etc. Active addition can be such an awful place, I've been to hell on earth, like many others have and yet for some reason I've been saved and brought back into life with a whole new self in so many wonderful ways.

And so I can't judge or criticize this poor chap, like your account points out it is an illness and this chap wasn't allowed the insight into a new way of life, or if he was he couldn't take the gauntlet and rise from his mire. But let it be said that no one is excused from there bad ways or habits just because it's an illness; recovery is at hand for us all if we truly want it and so to say it's not someone’s fault that they beat the wife, stole from the old lady, caused misery to their parents, hurt their children and so on, it is their fault! Very much so, but I can fully understand and sympathise why they act this way and I know I'm no better than them morally, I know that these people deserve our compassionate love and forgiveness regardless of blame, fault, ignorance. They are the ones who couldn't hear in a way that I've been allowed to, so far.....

This post helps me to remember to keep grateful for my recovery, to keep being there to help when someone wants what I have, to tell the truth that it is possible to keep sober and that not one of us need feel like "that" ever again!

One day at a time, don't drink/drug, one day at a time seek recovery from life issues, one day at a time put yourself in the places where recovery can happen or develop, one day at a time enjoy life and find peace in the knowledge that Gods loves us all regardless of our lifetime deeds and actions; one day at a time is all that we have.

May God bless his soul and may his family and friends find compassion and understanding.

Sylvia -

Might it help to try to think that for every person who talked of the worthlessness of your cousin's life--that he was better off dead--there is another person like yourself who knows that wasn't so---that your cousin was a unique, special individual, who could not find his way out into the sunlight.

Is there another family member you could sit with and reminisce over those happier family days with your cousin--before all that pain overwhelmed him? Doing so can be very comforting.....remembering, with others who loved him, who he was before all these tragedies overtook him.

I am thinking about you..and how badly you are feeling. There is so much sadness at a time like this. But please be comforted by knowing that you were amongst those who cared.

Wishing you peace, Lynn :-)

Sylvia..
im so sorry about your loss..
people who don't understand the nature of addiction..that its a symptom of other issues..depression/chemical inbalances, etc..go direct into the denial route of coping.
we do it ourselves as addicts.
the most we can do is try to enlighten them on some level-if thats impossible..at least we know in our hearts-we can empathise w/ there struggle.
God bless..
ggrl :angel:

I've just gotten all of these messages, and I want to say thank you to every one of you. All of your responses were so genuine and held so much wisdom, it really did help alot.