My best friend's son will be 2 in March of 2006. Like any small child he likes to touch things in stores and walk around trying to be as independent as possible. I have noticed that my best friends yells a lot at him, using many profanities. The other night we were shopping at a busy store, she gets mad at him for touching some clothes...grabs him by the arm and then lets go real quick so the poor boy goes tumbling to the ground (concrete) and hits his head pretty hard...of course starts crying ( I would 2). She then grabs him by the upper arm, yanks him into the air and in her arms. Then tells him to "Shut the F***up you little brat or I will whoop you A**". I think everyone one in the store turned around and was absolutely mortified at what she said. I love this girl to death but this little boy is also a MAJOR part of my life. Should I (having no children) attempt to speak with her about the issue I see or just leave it alone? My friend is really not a bad person, seems she just has some major anger issues and really has no patience for the baby. Every day I lose more respect for her...

Any Suggestions or Ideas?

Oh wow! Are you in a tough position or what?? Here's my 2 cents.... That child cannot speak for himself and you are probably his only line of defense. Yes, it's not technically any of your business but GEEZ... who is going to be the advocate for this child if his mother is not. Good Luck

Please say something to her! That baby is in a real crisis and needs a voice. You might make her mad but its worth it in the long run if you save that baby from real harm. She needs to get help!

I agree with vsmom. The baby cannot defend himself and you may be helping her from big future problems BUT be careful!! It is hard to hear someone tell you how to raise your child but she might be so over the edge anyway that she is taking out on the poor baby.maybe offer to watch him because she seems she needs a break. My son just turned 2 and I couldn't imagine saying that to him.

OH MY!! I think you should definately say something here. Don't just jump on her case though as she may take it out on the little boy. I have a son who is 2 will be 3 in March 2006 and I could never imagine treating him like that. Please interfere here. Maybe you could offer to watch the baby and let her have some time to herself. Try to get to the root of her anger and impatience. I wish you the best.

Yea she may be going through some depression, and she has major anger management problems. You need to comfront her about it, but in a non threatening way, because she will just blow up and deny it. Maybe you can keep a journal of all of the things you notice if she tries to blow it off. (she probably doesn't realize how hurtfull she is being)

I am sure she is a good person deep down, but bad situations arise from little things like this. I get frustrated with my DS, but I would never want to hurt him. If she refuses to get help or if she shuts you out, you need to get CIY involved. If she has the balls to do that stuff in public, who knows what she does in private. And they do not always take the child away from the mother....they will try to work with her, get her help, etc. (Now this is extreme....I would only do this if you feel the child is sustaining considerable physical harm or abuse.....and mental abuse is as bad as physical sometimes!!)

Hopefully she is just having a rough time, and doesn't realize she is taking it out on her child. She very well may just need a reality check from a good friend. It might be hard, but you will feel better for doing something about it then just sitting back and not saying anything.

you must either say something or report her. that poor child.

I agree with the other posters that if she is a good friend, you should say something to her in a non-critical way. Maybe just say that she seems to be under a lot of stress lately and see if you can get her to talk about it. I'm sure she doesn't realize what she's doing to her son and I'm sure it's not intentional, so try not to come down too hard on her just yet. She may just need a break and by talking to her, you may find ways you can help. Be aware that she may get mad at you, but by syaing something, you will plant the seed in her mind and maybe get her to stop and think next time she's frustrated with her son. You may not see the results if she gets mad at you, but you will still be doing the child good. Good luck, it's not an easy situation to be in, especially since moms tend to think that people without children just don't understand how difficult it is to be a mom. That doesn't mean that you can't see that something is wrong, just that she may not want to admit it to you. Gently say something and try to find a way to help.

Yikes, this is a tough one. I agree with everyone though about bringing it up, very very subtly though. And the advice of offering to babysit for her is a good idea. Or maybe ask her if she wants to have a girl's night out with you, so she can get a break that way also. Hopefully she'll be greatful in the long run that she had a good friend like you that wanted to help her.

It sounds like this is always going on from your story, what I suggest same thing, is to either talk to her, offer her time on her own and watch her child, but I would look him over while you had him, just to rule out physical abuse, or I would just anonomysly (sp) call protective services to do a check on her situation, cause I agree with, if she can do that in public, what happens behind closed doors. She does not have to know it was you who called, and if nothing comes out of it, then no harm was done, when she talks to you about it, then be surprised at the fact that someone called on her, and if something does come about out of it, then you just saved that little boy from who knows what. I know it is hard, considering a good friend, but when children are involved, it is even harder, and he needs to be saved if there is a need for it.

I am almost inclined to think that if you try and talk to her about it, no matter how subtle you can be, it will hurt her, and she will probably deny it, and you may not have that friendship anymore. Having known a former angry person like that, you could not say anything to this person without her lashing out about not knowing anything and being angry to the fact that we would say something about her child etc... once the help was received, eventually, she realized what was going on, and admitted it, and changed it, with help got it taken care of.

Good luck with no matter what you do. keep us posted.

...grabs him by the arm and then lets go real quick so the poor boy goes tumbling to the ground (concrete) and hits his head pretty hard...of course starts crying. She then grabs him by the upper arm, yanks him into the air and in her arms. Then tells him to "Shut the F***up you little brat or I will whoop you A**".

This is clearly abusive behavior. If this is how she behaves in a public place, imagine the horror this little boy is subjected to in private. Your friend needs to control her anger, but MUCH more importantly, this little boy needs someone (like you) to intervene. He needs rescue.

I love this girl to death

It's difficult when people we love committ horrorific acts, but this is clearly a situation in which your feelings toward your friend are immaterial. This boy needs your help!

this little boy is also a MAJOR part of my life. Should I (having no children) attempt to speak with her about the issue I see or just leave it alone?

This would surprise the heck out of anyone who knew me (I am Ms. Mind Your Own Business) but I suggest speaking to your friend about this. If you can, offer to take her son in instances in which she feels she is losing her cool. Encourage her to see counseling, help her to expand her network of family and friends... people who can assist with her son during times when your friend is feeling overwhelmed and is likely to act out her aggressions toward her child.

Where is this boy's father? What does he say? Does he recognize that his son's well-being is endangered? Or is he part of the problem?

The fact that you do not have children is absolutely immaterial. Do not allow the fact that you are childless to cloud your judgement. Your assessment that this is abuse is correct, and it sounds to me like you have clarity with regard to the situation. Now please help this child!

My friend is really not a bad person, seems she just has some major anger issues and really has no patience for the baby. Every day I lose more respect for her...

It sounds like your friend lacks the maturity to cope with her anger in a way that is safe. I am not going to call her the devil, but she sounds like someone who should not be around children. At least until she is able to cope with her anger in a way that does not negatively impact her son.

Yeah, every parent loses their patience from time to time. Most of us will even occassionally do things that are not included in the "perfect parent's playbook". But there is a huge difference between the infrequent melt down and what your friend is doing.

Any Suggestions or Ideas?

Talk to her. Offer to help with the boy (if you can) when she feels like she is about to "lose it". Encourage her to seek counseling. Help her expand her circle of friends and family who can assist with the little boy if she finds herself feeling overwhelmed. Talk to the boy's father if possible.

As a last resort, but one that should definitely be used if the above are not possible (or not working), is to call the authorities. I know she is your friend, but she is an adult and can control her situation.

This little boy is two years old and completely helpless. He is 100% dependent upon the mercy of the adults around him. It sounds like his own mommy is raining down the fire of hell on him, and he needs to be rescued. I am so sorry to sound like I am preaching, and I do not want to come off as hateful, but this child deserves protection and it sounds like you are the only one who can provide it. My heart broke into a million pieces after reading your post, I hope that this little boy gets the protection he needs.

I've been trying all day to think of exactly what to say to you and in the end I think Dilsey put it well. Perhaps if you talked to her, you can find out why your friend gets so angry with the child. Maybe you can find out why she's choosing that approach with him. If you want to be nice about it, you can maybe just bring up something you read/seen/heard, about different ways to disipline a child. Pretend it's just casual conversation. Hopefully she'll think about it and start to try something else as opposed to physical and agressive punishment. I agree it might be nice for you to offer to sit so she can get out for a bit. Just talking to her and being there for her when she's frusterated could make a huge difference as well. You could try to let her know in a nice way that councelling is nothing to be ashamed of and that many, many mothers need someone to talk to.

Seriously, I know this girl is your friend but like others have said, that baby needs your help. He's defenseless and he has to deal with the consequences of how others treat him for the rest of his life. Even if he's not physically abused, emotional and verbal abuse can be just as hurtful. Not to mention your friend is teaching him how to deal with things the same way she is. She may be setting herself up for a lot more behavioural problems then she realizes.

I don't mean to sound judgemental towards your friend either. Since you posted it's obvious you know something is wrong. Please don't turn away from it.

Usually I would say mind your own business if you don't have any children, but this is a different situation. If she is saying things like that to her 2 year old child, then there is a problem and she needs someone to talk to her. If this is her first child she may be oblivious to the fact that it is wrong to talk to him that way. I wouldn't report her as someone mentioned right off the bat, I would talk to her first, offer to give her some time to herself, we all need it, and watch the situation. Giving the friend doesn't get pissed at you and you can still be around her and the baby, hopefully you will be able to monitor the situation. Reporting her can make things worse for the child as we know foster programs don't always produce better situations. Talk to her family as well and let them know what is going on. Maybe they can knock some sense into her too.

Thanks everyone for your replies, they have all given me a pretty good idea as to how I need to handle the situation. Unfortunately I can not talk to her family, her mother is just as bad as she is and her father is never around. Her husband is quite the Alchy, although he does love the baby very much, he is never home to see what happens. I am going to casualy speak with her this weekend, I have already offered to watch the baby and she has happily agreed. Even if it does make her mad something has to be said before it is too late. Especially since they are trying for the 2nd baby soon...Once again thanks to everyone who offered their opinion...I can't say enough as to how this has really helped me!

It sounds like her family and husband are the reason why she's so angry and unhappy. Good luck! Let us know how she handled it.

Um I have a son who will be 2 in february and I could never talk to him like that or behave that way in the privacy of my own home let alone in public. You need to tell her you are worried about her anger problems and it is extremely out of line to treat a toddler that way. I mean he didn't even do anything! Kids this age always run around and grab stuff it is just normal for them. I am sorry but what is she teaching her son to use that language toward him or around him. Tell her she isn't being the example of a good mom and that you have been wondering if she is abusing him. Tell her she needs to get herself in check. Sounds like she came from a messed up family which is way she is behaving like a trashy woman. Anyways if you suspect anything.. (look for bruises ect..) I would report her confidentially to child protective services. Some people shouldn't be allowed to reproduce!!!

I have a friend whom was abusing her children (physically and mentally).
things came to a head one night when her daughters tried to commit suicide by setting a fire under their bunk beds - hoping they would die. She called me over to help, that same night i reported her (anonimously) to the nspcc.
Turned out she had a drink problem (that nobody knew about) and couldnt cope.
Her kids were taken into temporary care till she sorted herself out.
It was the kick up the butt she needed.
Shes now dry and a loving mother to those kids.
I felt guilty about my actions, but looking back now, i know i did the right thing.
I'd tried talking with her, but she just got defensive and basically told me to mind my own.
To this day i think she knows it was me that reported her, but shes never asked me, she just says 'whoever it was did me and my kids a real favour.
Good luck
Linds

Hey Becca,

I think you should talk to your best friend and tell her what she is doing is wrong because its really not fair on her son and he cant speak out for himself. Or at least tell someone who you dont know and let them know what she is doing. Its out of order. Your in a hard situation. My mums friend is a bit like your friend, he baby cries he is about 9/10 months and she jsur lets him cry, doesnt feel him a lot, put him in damp clothes all sorts. I havent said anything because i dont know what to do but my mum knows whats going on and my mums other friend.

Just tell someone please, Good luck x

I would first talk with her husband(no matter how he is or if you are even close to him) and see just what he knows about this abusive behavior,I can almost guarentee that what you saw has most likely been going on for a very long time.he HAS to have seen it and witnessed the kind of treatment his own child has been recieving.Feel him out and then tell him either he does something to help his own child or you will.This is ridiculous,this child IS in imminant danger.and he cannot speak up for himself,regardless if you have children or not makes no difference what so ever in this situation.you WITNESSED definite abuse.whether or not she is your freind really does not matter.
first,take that child while she can get some time for herself and then kind of look him over really good for any scars or odd bruising where there really shouldn't BE any bruising(upper arms,low back ,buttocks if you are changing diapers).
there is also a big rather KEY thing you can do while you have him and it has to do with sudden movements and his reaction to them?while he is standing next to you or close by you,just make a very sudden movement somewhere close to him.if he flinches back in a rather over pronounced way,he is probably very used to being hit or suddenly grabbed in some way.this is a big sign that something is definitely going on.most kids will barely move when you move suddenly unless they are naturally high strung children.those that have been repeatedly hit will react by sudden flinching whenever they see a sudden movement that comes close to them.it is a natural reaction in most abused children.if by some chance after looking him over and do notice the signs,take note of them and the date and if possible,have him pose for some fun pictures(you know what I mean?but if they are in anywhere under wear the diaper would normally be,you may want to speak with the PD before doing anything with that))if you feel that this is more of a crisis that you thought,honestly,call someone at your local PD and ask them what they feel you really need to do here.she may be your friend,but she IS abusing her child and that you have seen with your own eyes.just take things slowly here if possible but if this is much worse than you thought,take swift action and know that you are doing this for the child and deal with her at a later date.I know this sounds harsh but when you have seen what happens to the innocent children out there who are being terrorized,in some cases,to death,all it takes is one 'bad' moment for that child to either suffer a life threatening injury or not be here at all anymore.really.just go with your gut and do what you have to with the little boys best interest at heart not your friend.every parent gets angry once in a while but she is clearly out of control.you need tofind out(from her and her husband espescially,only if you actually have the time)how bad this is and what has actually happened to this child and if his father is aware of it or not and whether he even cares.someone needs to care.FB

i did not read all the replies (hi nutshell!) but i have to say that having a 2 year old that LOVES to touch everything i know how aggrivating it all can be. but that is just it, he is 2 and i am the adult. i know what aggrivating is, and can do things to prevent it as much as possible. she could keep him in a stroller with some fun toys, interact with him about colors and shapes, and my #1 thing, find a toy that is in the store and let thm play with it while you shop, and then put it back and avoid a temper tantrum but saying "we will go to the next store for another IN THE STORE TOY!!" the fact that your friend has no issues with acting like that in front of you, strangers is very worrysome, it makes me wonder what she is willing to do at home. friend or no friend, talk to her, not as someone accusing her, someone concerned about her well being (mentally) relflecting upon her child physically! please, help them both.

I have to say that reading all of this makes me think about how I act myself. I have an almost 2 year old and she's mean as a whistle, but I love her. I myself have anger issues that are family related. And I have to blow off steam sometimes just to keep from lashing out. After reading this I myself will try to be a better mom to my kids. I personally have never purposely let me child fall and get hurt. But sometimes it does happen. They will try and get away from your grip so often that you do have to let go cause you're worried that they will twist their arm or worse. It breaks my heart to see my child in pain. I always keep my DD in the cart front and strapped in so that I don't have to worry about it to much.

Your friend probably doesn't realize how much anger she has inside. It's so hard not to take it out on someone, but gah not your children. She maybe needs a way to just temporarily blow off that steam until she can find a way to just relax!

WOW!! :eek: I have a 2 year old and would never speak to him like that, or yank him up in any way, I have 4 kids and seldom raise my voice! She needs some talking to! That poor little man!
How old is this girl?

DO SOMETHING NOW!!! This child is already getting abused. There are several forms of abuse including verbal ,emotional and mental abuse. She is already inflicting this degrading behavior on her son. I know she is your friend and you are scared to do anything but dont let that get in the way of being a voice for this child. Now we don't know what is happening behind the scences, but she already isn't embarrassed to yell at him in public so we can only imagine. I don;t want you to think the worst of your friend, but think solely about the child. Not only would it be unfortunate and I pray it doesn't happen, but if the mother were to get caught for physically abusing him, you could serve jail time for withholding information you had from previous occasions. Make a journal of all you have witnessed and please call your local Children Youth and Familes Department. You can report anonimously and they do investigate every call no matter the severity. Your friend will not know it was you and the boy could be saved from any further verbal abuse and more. I am a childrens advocate and strongly advise you help this boy. He does not deserve this. Remember my screen name and please ask if you have anymore questions. thanks and goodluck!!

I didn't have time to read all of the posts, but oh my, please do something, for your friend and for these little ones! My heart breaks to think what goes on behind closed doors if she can act that way in public. Please let us know what happens.......

Becca, did you talk to your friend this weekend? Please update us!! :)

Yes, please let us know what is going on! We are all hoping for the best for this little boy!

Hey All, Just a small update for everyone. I finally had the guts to talk with my friend about the baby. We were at the mall and of course got frustrated at the baby. Next thing I know she is PINCHING him, yes you heard me right! Well I went of my handle, took the baby and went outside while she finshed up her shopping. Anyhow, over lunch I told her what I thought (in a very nice manner) about the way she treats the baby. I think in away she was embarrassed bc she realizes that she hurts him. We are not really talking any longer, which hurts but I feel as if I have helped the baby out on some level. Of course I will still keep checking in to make sure all is well. Just keep the baby in your prayers and thoughts.

Happy Holidays!
Becca

Becca112, I will definitely keep that baby in my thoughts and prayers. You as well. I know what you were able to do must have been hard and it must have taken alot of courage to do it. Bravo for that! I hope she thinks about what she's doing for that child and I hope you are proud of what you were able to say. That baby needs people like you helping him out.

She was pinching the baby? That's horrible. Sorry to hear you are not talking to her anymore, but do keep in touch to make sure the baby is okay.

Its wonderful that you had the guts to tell her she was wrong. Most people would turn their heads.

I have been in this exact situation too! My Ex-best friend didn't want either of her boys, hated her husband and her lot in life. She took it out on the kids. I confronted her after she threw her 10 month old off the couch and he hit his head and started bleeding, since then we have not talked. But I did call our child welfare agency and they tookthe kids away, forced her and her husband into treatment for anger/depression and ultimatly she left her hubby (who was abusing her) and got her kids back.
So, think about it, but I would say something.

I anonymously reported my neighbor (who was also my friend) for abuse when her husband beat their 3 year old in the driveway. The thing was, he was in his carseat, so he couldn't even get away or defend himself. I never told her I did it, but later, after all the horrible ensuing drama, she told me whoever called did her a favor because her husband needed a wake-up call. At the time, she had been defending him and went door-to-door trying to find out who called. I denied, and she believed me, but sometimes I wonder if she really knows it was me. we have moved since, to another state, so I don't see her anymore, but I think I did the right thing. I'm a mom and I know if someone tried to have a conversation with me about my parenting I would probably only get angry and defensive, so I did not initiate a conversation about what happened.

Your friend needs to be reported. That child could end up dead. It happens way too often. I know it is hard to imagine someone you love doing something like that, but she is overwhelmed and probably depressed, and though she probably does not want to hurt her child, she could overreact and shake him, or throw him, or worse. I see news reports every day about toddlers dying.

Well done for confronting your friend... that must have been akward. Only you know how bad things are but I would consider reporting this to a childrens help line... Just in the last 2 days I have heard 2 news reports about horrific child abuse cases here in the uk that have had me sobbing while listening to the radio. 1 of the cases resuted in the death of a 3 month old infant... how very sad that someone who knew that family wasn't brave enough to come forward :(

It makes me soo sad to hear about defensless little babies being beaten and abused by the people they trust the most. There is nothing they can do. Imagine how scared they are. Some are beaten to death. I just cannot imagine how horrible that would be.

Sorry I did not mean to put horrible images in your minds I just needed to vent. I wish this did not have to happen. I wish there was something I could do to protect these babies.

There needs to be mandatory parenting classes for everyone who has children.