curious11
12-04-2005, 07:24 PM
:angel: This is off topic and i'm not sure if this is even allowed... but you guys always have a listening ear, and that is SO what I need right now. My son goes with his father every other weekend. His father has an apartment so they spend most of the time at his mother's house a few minutes away. I get a text message from his father yesterday saying "WOW, I just had my first father scare." So I immediatley call to see what is going on. He tells me he went inside for "2 minutes" while my son (3 years old) and his cousin (3 years old) played outside in front of the garage where their grandpa was working. My ex went outside and was calling for them with no sign of them. He jumped on the 4 wheeler and drove it back into the woods looking for them. TWO 3 YEAR OLDS MADE IT ALL THE WAY TO THE PLAYGROUND THAT IS ATLEAST 3 ACRES AWAY! They went there looking for their grandmother who was walking the dog! Come to find out... my ex had been inside, on the computer, for exactly 20 minutes! Had my son gone in the opposite direction down their long driveway, he would have been in the street! I am mortified! THEN apparently, my ex took my son over to his sister's house, where these two 3 year olds began to give eachother haircuts! I realize that 3 year olds do crazy things like this... but my son came home with 4 bald spots on the top of his head! It would have taken some time to cut 4 big patches of hair out of his head with plastic scizzors. They are NOT being supervized! I don't know what to do. I am so upset, I called his mother and lost it. It was not her fault so I didn't blame her, but her son is obviously not responsible enough or interested enough to have a 3 year old for that length of time, and that is not ok with me. I don't know what to do. I could brush it off and say it was an accident and these things happen... but my gut is telling me not to! I don't know what I should do. Thanks for "listening". Advice appreciated.
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duttin
12-04-2005, 07:54 PM
Curious,
You have every right to vent.Some men shouldn't have children.What kept you from ringing his neck?
I am so thankful that my oldest is 19 and I don't have to deal with her dad anymore.I went through situations like this for several years with him.He's still not a responsible person.My best advice is to keep a journal when your little guy is with his dad and watch for patterns.I'd be upset over the hair cutting,obviously he wasn't watching his son.
Best Wishes
Toni
You have every right to vent.Some men shouldn't have children.What kept you from ringing his neck?
I am so thankful that my oldest is 19 and I don't have to deal with her dad anymore.I went through situations like this for several years with him.He's still not a responsible person.My best advice is to keep a journal when your little guy is with his dad and watch for patterns.I'd be upset over the hair cutting,obviously he wasn't watching his son.
Best Wishes
Toni
curious11
12-04-2005, 08:37 PM
Thanks for the reply Nuff. My question is... what pattern am I looking for? It is clear to me that my ex doesn't have a long enough attention span to spend 29 hours with a 3 year old. Do I wait until my son wanders off in the other direction toward the street, or he gets seriously hurt when not being supervised? I don't know. I can't win either way. I know my ex doesn't WANT the overnight visits every other weekend... that cuts into his social life. He doesn't even spend the night with my son, he leaves my son with his mother and goes out, then sleeps at his apartment and comes back Sunday afternoon. That was not the agreement. Taking him to court would be frivilous, expensive, and a waste of time. They can't do anything, this would most likely be here se. But the pattern is clear to me, I do not feel comfortable leaving my son there with his father. But there is nothing I can do to take immediate action and prevent something from happening. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place right now, and sick to my stomach!
MIAMIMOMMY
12-04-2005, 08:45 PM
Curious,
Boy...to say he is irresponsible is being kind. You are in a very tough situation...trust your gut.. I'm sorry I can't advise re: legal aspects, but Toni's idea of keeping a journal sounds excellent. You're being an excellent mother...don't let up!
Miamimommy
Boy...to say he is irresponsible is being kind. You are in a very tough situation...trust your gut.. I'm sorry I can't advise re: legal aspects, but Toni's idea of keeping a journal sounds excellent. You're being an excellent mother...don't let up!
Miamimommy
Barbbelle
12-05-2005, 10:16 AM
Hi!! So sorry that you are so upset...and you have every right to be totally freaked out! It only takes a second for something horrible to happen! Maybe you could make "Grama" accountable for the baby at all times when he is not with you. Explain to her that the "sperm doner" is WAY too immature to handle the responsiblity of keeping your son safe! Maybe you could form an alliance with her and you could at least relax a little when he goes to HER house (and only let him go there)! The bad thing is that the creep only has him for 4 days out of the month and he still can't handle that! Good luck! Sorry I was a little harsh about your ex! I just love kids and want yours to be safe and you to keep the stress level DOWN! Have a great day!
curious11
12-05-2005, 03:07 PM
I talked to my ex today and of course this is how it went... I told him we had to discuss what happened this weekend, and he needed to tell me what had to change so that my son is safe there. He told me that the two boys just shouldn't be allowed to play together. I told him that wasn't the problem, because if they were supervised, none of that would have happened. He then proceeded to tell me I was blowing the whole thing out of proportion. That he wouldn't have told me about it if it was that big of a deal. I told him of course he would have because he knew the second my son walked in the door he would talk about it, which he did. He told me he will never tell me anything that happenes there again, good or bad and that I am an "idiot, an immature idiot at that." So, whether it is right or wrong, I don't think I will be sending my son there anymore unless his mother is home and she picks him up. Maybe i'm letting my emotions get the best of me, but that is what my gut is telling me. I do not feel comfortable, and for him to not admit he was at fault, tells me it will happen again. And if it does, I will feel guilty for not intervening. I feel like he has left me with no choice, tell me if i'm wrong on this one, please. I am not trying to start a war, but this is just not settling well with me. :confused:
duttin
12-05-2005, 05:32 PM
curious,
Evidently your x is blinded by his immaturety.He should realize that this little guys well being comes before any of his needs.He's the idiot.
Can you ask for supervised visitations?
The added stress is not good for your health,and if he takes the little guy again,you'll be sitting around on pin-and-needles worring.
Stay firm,
Toni
Evidently your x is blinded by his immaturety.He should realize that this little guys well being comes before any of his needs.He's the idiot.
Can you ask for supervised visitations?
The added stress is not good for your health,and if he takes the little guy again,you'll be sitting around on pin-and-needles worring.
Stay firm,
Toni
lilc
12-05-2005, 07:31 PM
Curious, do you have a lawyer? Perhaps the one that did your divorce (if you two were married)? I confess, I couldn't even read all the posts, this whole topic upsets me so. But the journal is probably critical. Legal advice, unfortunately, might be required. The sad truth is, to quote part of a line from a movie, "You need a license to drive a car, but any [expletives deleted] can be a dad."
Here's the upside: Kid's are amazingly resilient. Kid's AND their dads have been doing stupid stuff forever. I can recall several times when my mom wanted to strangle my dad, and he was a "good, responsible" dad, and they were married 49 years. While you can't make your ex grow up, but you can teach your son. Yes, he's only 3, but he does think and reason. Have a calm talk with him about both incidents. (And perhaps the other 3-year-old IS a bad influence!) Give your baby the best common sense you can and, over time, his dad may be less of a problem. Just a thought. You really cannot afford this stress, Sweetie. Remember that when your son is out of your sight, God's got him.
Here's the upside: Kid's are amazingly resilient. Kid's AND their dads have been doing stupid stuff forever. I can recall several times when my mom wanted to strangle my dad, and he was a "good, responsible" dad, and they were married 49 years. While you can't make your ex grow up, but you can teach your son. Yes, he's only 3, but he does think and reason. Have a calm talk with him about both incidents. (And perhaps the other 3-year-old IS a bad influence!) Give your baby the best common sense you can and, over time, his dad may be less of a problem. Just a thought. You really cannot afford this stress, Sweetie. Remember that when your son is out of your sight, God's got him.
curious11
12-05-2005, 07:53 PM
Thanks again for the advice Nuff and Lilc. I had another talk with my ex because I really don't like leaving things on hostile terms. I let him know I was just trying to find a solution to the problem. I gave him the oppurtunity to tell me the weekend visit, from Sat. 9am- Sunday 2 pm, was too much for him. But i'm telling you, he lies so well that he believes it. He got on his soap box telling me that boys will be boys and do things like that all the time, so again, not taking responsibility for his actions, or lack there of. I informed him that I wasn't trying to attack him, but none of this would have happened had he not left our child alone for that length of time. He then proceeded to get on the defense and blame it on my son... his exact words were "would I think that Evan was so bad as to wander off when he knows he isn't supposed to? NO!" I couldn't believe it... I should know better than to not expect these things from him by now, but seriously! I'm no expert parents, but I know that my son is 3 years old, and the way that chidren learn is to test the limits. That is how they learn boundaries. And I also know that if my son is in another room and has been too quite... I better go check on him and see what he's gotten in to. I expect him to find trouble, that's what kids do. But I know it is my job to make sure it doesn't get taken too far. I tend to believe that my ex will do anything to argue with me... but this time I worry that he trully doesn't get it. He assured me that the two boys wouldn't be playing alone together anymore, so I hope that's true atleast. This is the same boy who used to bite my son all the time and my son would come home covered in bruises. Again, parents should intervene. Now i'm on my soap box, :eek: haha. Thanks everyone, and no matter how many bald spots my son has... he's still handsome! :D God bless you all, and take care! :angel:
curiousforever
12-05-2005, 10:41 PM
Thanks again for the advice Nuff and Lilc. I had another talk with my ex because I really don't like leaving things on hostile terms. I let him know I was just trying to find a solution to the problem. I gave him the oppurtunity to tell me the weekend visit, from Sat. 9am- Sunday 2 pm, was too much for him. But i'm telling you, he lies so well that he believes it. He got on his soap box telling me that boys will be boys and do things like that all the time, so again, not taking responsibility for his actions, or lack there of. I informed him that I wasn't trying to attack him, but none of this would have happened had he not left our child alone for that length of time. He then proceeded to get on the defense and blame it on my son... his exact words were "would I think that Evan was so bad as to wander off when he knows he isn't supposed to? NO!" I couldn't believe it... I should know better than to not expect these things from him by now, but seriously! I'm no expert parents, but I know that my son is 3 years old, and the way that chidren learn is to test the limits. That is how they learn boundaries. And I also know that if my son is in another room and has been too quite... I better go check on him and see what he's gotten in to. I expect him to find trouble, that's what kids do. But I know it is my job to make sure it doesn't get taken too far. I tend to believe that my ex will do anything to argue with me... but this time I worry that he trully doesn't get it. He assured me that the two boys wouldn't be playing alone together anymore, so I hope that's true atleast. This is the same boy who used to bite my son all the time and my son would come home covered in bruises. Again, parents should intervene. Now i'm on my soap box, :eek: haha. Thanks everyone, and no matter how many bald spots my son has... he's still handsome! :D God bless you all, and take care! :angel:
He is a control freak isn't he? Was he abusive? He sounds just like mine who was both.
Best way I've found to "handle" this-was to document it-to tape record it if your state allows "one party" notifications (which you would be the one party notified about you recording the conversation) and calmly saying that that a 3 yr old needs constant supervision....then you'd have his reaction of him blaming a 3 yr old for being bad on tape.
It really sucks cause it's probably not enough to keep him away without getting into trouble for contempt...and I know my ex is just emotionally abusive enough to mess iwth my oldest enough to mess with his head-but not enough to keep him away ya know?
He is a control freak isn't he? Was he abusive? He sounds just like mine who was both.
Best way I've found to "handle" this-was to document it-to tape record it if your state allows "one party" notifications (which you would be the one party notified about you recording the conversation) and calmly saying that that a 3 yr old needs constant supervision....then you'd have his reaction of him blaming a 3 yr old for being bad on tape.
It really sucks cause it's probably not enough to keep him away without getting into trouble for contempt...and I know my ex is just emotionally abusive enough to mess iwth my oldest enough to mess with his head-but not enough to keep him away ya know?
curious11
12-05-2005, 11:25 PM
Thanks Curious. He wasn't physically abusive, but we verbally fought to no end! He is absolutely a control freak, and a con artist. He knows just what to say, and when to say it. His whole story changed from the night I called him about my son "running away" and from today when he had to get on the defense. It sickens me that my son will grow up around that, and I hope for his sake that he never sees the side of his father that I have had to deal with. I don't mean to bash him, i'm sure that's not fair... but I gave him ample oppurtunity to do the right thing in this situation. But in the end... it's the 3 year olds fault. That makes alot of sense. You are right... there isn't much I can do besides document this, I can't take it into my own hands or it would be contempt. But if I find out something like this happens again, I will stop the visits, file a motion, and wait and see what a judge says. They need to see a pattern of events, not just one or two. And in my heart I know he just doesn't care, I can't prove that without looking like a vindictive ex. So I am going to keep my cool... and hope my son stays safe there. I had a conversation with my son and let him know it's not ok to leave the yard like that, and I told him to tell his Daddy to stay outside with him so he doesn't get hurt. Of course when I told my ex that he needs to be with him outside he said " i'm not going to hawk him while he plays outside." haha I have never once let my son play outside without me or one of my parents sitting out there watching him, or playing with him. We have an in ground pool, so that is a main concern of mine, but just in general. I thought it was common sense... but I guess some people aren't born with that?! :nono: So all I can do is educate my son on right from wrong, and maybe my son will teach his father a few things in the process! :eek:
curiousforever
12-06-2005, 12:01 PM
Believe me-I know.
Mine was physical with me-but not with our son.
When our son was 4-the daycare told our son that he wasn't allowed to bring a toy with him to the daycare. They didnt' tell me or the ex...and they thought a 4 year old would tell his parents that he couldn't bring a toy. The ex wanted to "bust his a$$" for "lying and disrespecting" him. My thinking was-what 4 yr old's responsibility is it to inform parents of the daycare's policy? And what 4 yr old is going to tell a parent that they can't bring a toy? It was the daycare's job to tell the parents.
Does he have the warped view of respect? The one that if you disagree with him-it means you disrespect with him?
He considers me an evil ex, a bad mother - our son is 14 now. Anyone at any school that he's been to (we're military-but we've moved once) from the janitor to the principal tells me he's a great kid. The ex didn't want him to even come to his house 2 Christmases ago. I have it on tape.
Just a hint-when you document-for your sake. maybe have 2 sets of books. one that you write down how you want to-from calling him whatever you want to, etc.
Then have a second book that you just write down the facts. Dates, and exactly what happened. The courts are not impressed with emotion. It will be theraputic for you-and your documentation will get done in a way that will impress any lawyer or judge that it is truely about your child's safety and not about how you feel about your ex....
Mine was physical with me-but not with our son.
When our son was 4-the daycare told our son that he wasn't allowed to bring a toy with him to the daycare. They didnt' tell me or the ex...and they thought a 4 year old would tell his parents that he couldn't bring a toy. The ex wanted to "bust his a$$" for "lying and disrespecting" him. My thinking was-what 4 yr old's responsibility is it to inform parents of the daycare's policy? And what 4 yr old is going to tell a parent that they can't bring a toy? It was the daycare's job to tell the parents.
Does he have the warped view of respect? The one that if you disagree with him-it means you disrespect with him?
He considers me an evil ex, a bad mother - our son is 14 now. Anyone at any school that he's been to (we're military-but we've moved once) from the janitor to the principal tells me he's a great kid. The ex didn't want him to even come to his house 2 Christmases ago. I have it on tape.
Just a hint-when you document-for your sake. maybe have 2 sets of books. one that you write down how you want to-from calling him whatever you want to, etc.
Then have a second book that you just write down the facts. Dates, and exactly what happened. The courts are not impressed with emotion. It will be theraputic for you-and your documentation will get done in a way that will impress any lawyer or judge that it is truely about your child's safety and not about how you feel about your ex....