Hello All~ Just wanting to get some support while I am trying to get my feeling into prospective. I have been struggling with my addiction to any type of pain medication. I was never picky about what I took. I have been holding on with a few "slips" for the past ten months. If you are interested in where I have been and what has brought me here you can look back at some of my other posts from the beginning of this two, almost three, year living hell.
I have never had a good relationship with my mother until recently, which I have since completely ruined. I have never felt like I lived up to her standard, blah, blah, blah, same story, different names as I am sure most of you! I was doing so well, staying clean, reading my books, going to meetings, etc. BUT I was becoming dependent on her. We were talking every night and alot of the time by email at work. We would make it a point to see each other every few days or atleast on the weekends. She was my full support system since I had lost my best friend, my grandmother, my boy friend of five years and my drug of choice. BUT finally I got caught by my boss slipping again. I didn't lose my job, but I did lose my mother. She has NO trust in me, will not even talk to me. I am finally ALONE and scared, depressed and everything we all feel when we lose someone. I realize that I was becoming so dependent on her that I wasn't standing on my own two feet. And this was killing her.
I know I have to go to meetings again and this time get a sponsor that knows where I have been. I need to continue to search inside myself, to work the steps, but it is so hard to pick up the pieces when that "fall back" isn't there to pick you up, make you laugh, care when you are hurting.

How do you all handle that emotion?

hey buzzer havent seen you for awhile,sounds like you are still fighten the fight that i to am battlin.i dont know what to tell ya on this one so maybe someone else can help.good to hear from ya its been what 3yrs now,good luck my friend-spark

Hi Lortabbuzer I have never officially met you but I just wanted to tell you that I know exactly what you are going through. I have been addicted to vikes for the past 3 yrs and my mother disowned me almost four months ago. This, not having my mother in my life is the most heart breaking thing, I miss her terribly. I have just cleaned up my act and have not used any pills for almost two weeks.I don't have any advise to really give you on handeling this pain except do not give up, get and stay clean, and pray that maybe some day your mom will forgive you and be back in your life, that is what I do everyday.I love my mom more than life and I just hope some day she will let me back in her life, I am 25 yrs old and want her to be there to see me stay clean, do well, get married, have my first baby,etc. I just can not imagine experiencing all this joy in my life without her. Anyways please be strong and stay clean not just for your mom but for you, she will come around. "TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS'

Good Luck,
Kelley :)

Hey Spark~
Good to see ya too!!! I hate that we are both still here fighting this fight but it is nice to see a familiar face!! Is it something about our KY upbring that makes kickin' this sh** so hard??????? Man, if that is it then I would have stayed in Alabama, LOL. Well, good to see ya! Hope you have a Merry x-mas and a happy holidays!!! Let me know where you are in this fight, if ya get a minute!
Candi

To Hoepfloats~
Thanks for the kind words. Right back atcha'! I hate that we are both struggling with not only our addictions but losing our mother's support too! I think one reason it hit me so hard was because one she and I never even use to talk more than once every two weeks or so before I lost my grandmother/ bestfriend this past Feb. So it is losing something that I have wanted for a life time but just had for a very short 10 months. I did get an email from her yesterday, inviting me to x-mas. I thought that was a good sign and I got a x-mas card from her yesterday that spoke about her love and how that will never change. I know that I must give her some time and space because I have broken ALL trust!! It was given blindly and this time around I will have to earn it. I keep asking myself, how is she gonna know that I am going to meetings, staying clean, reaching out??? And something that I heard over and over in my head is something that was said to me when I went to my very first aa meeting~ A man with 38, yes 38 years sobority stood up and told me a story about when he was asking himself the same questions~ and he was told then, Bill, you do not need to tell anyone, trust me, they will know. And I just keep telling myself that!!! And plus, she has my two aunts and sister "checking in" on how I am feeling every day or so. So, she will know, and your mother will too. I know it is said so many time to us addicts but it is true... we will lie and become untrustworthy people. It is all part of our illness. First we being to lie to get our DOC, then we lie to cover our tracks, and the lies continue from there. People that love us, want to believe us, they want us "better". And after so long of us doing things are way... our family doesn't know what to believe, they don't realize that our illness turns us into people we were not raised to be. They can only take our lie so much before they have to "let go" and take care of themselves before we bring them down with us. They really are doing us no good by emotionally supporting us because it stops us from reaching out to those that know where we have been and know where we are. It stops us from getting the help we need for other sources, outside sources, that can truly help us, not just comfort us. And by this we grow~
Please feel free to yell my name whenever you need/want! I will be more than happy to share with you what I have learned over the course of my addiction/ clean time. Not that all of it has worked, or I wouldn't be chatting with you now. But I have come futher than even I realize in understanding. And sometimes, I have found, when we have nothing more to go on, that will get me through. Good Luck and may you find peace is every corner of your life!
By the way~ I just turned 31, and want my mother to be there for ALL of those things you mentioned too!!! I think we might be kindered soul out there!!!
Buzzer

Hey Lortabbuzzer,

I am fairly new to all of this, and pain pills aren't my thing, but addiction is addiction, and doing it without your mother is very difficult. I just wanted to tell you that by staying clean, and showing up on x-mas that way, it will be the best gift you can give your mother. I wish my mother had that chance to see me clean, married, have a baby, but that didn't happen. She will see it from where she is, I'm sure, and I am okay with that. Anyway, enough about me, I just thought you should know that you aren't alone in feeling like you've disappointed her when all she ever did was love you. But you have the chance to make it different. Expand your support group, some things are not for a parent's ear anyway. You can find friends who will call you on your ****, much better that you can tell them EVERYTHING. Remember, we are only as sick as our biggest secret.

I wish for you and for hopefloats, that you can give your mother the only thing she really wants, and that is for you to be well and happy.

I'll be thinking of you and hoping that all goes well.

Hey Buzzer :wave:

Ok this is scary you and I have like the same issues, when I read your posts I feel like I am reading about my life! I am so happy that your mom invited you over for x-mas, that is a huge step. My mom wont talk to me, for the past four months, if I call she will hang up, and she would not let me go over for Thanksgiving with the rest of my family. That was the first Thanksgiving I spent without my family, I am so greatful I have my fiaunce and his family or else I just do not know what I would do. Thats an amazing story about that od man, 38 yrs of sobriety and he still is going to meetings, wow!! :bouncing: :bouncing: That is so great I hope all of us will stay clean and happy. Anyways I am going to grab some grub!! I am here for you too if you ever want to talk seeing as how we have the same "mother" issues!

Luv,
Kelley :)