My name is Kim and I'm addicted to pain pills. I have posted a reply on Pauls "I'm tired of being addicted" if you would like to read that. I really want to stop taking hydrocodone. It has impacted my relationship in many negative ways. I feel like such a looser and ashamed of the person I have become. My boyfriend has chronic back pain which he take hydros for I feel even more like a junkie knowing he hides them from me so I dont "eat" all of his. I take usually 5 a day I know it doesnt seem like alot but I dont know how to stop. One day I would like to get out of bed because I'm excited about life not cause I'm excited to take pills. I recently lost my job which doesnt help cause now I feel like I cant control anything. I'm bored so I take a pill, I have no energy so I take a pill, I want to get "high" so I take a pill. How do you end this cycle? How long are the withdrawls? How do you enjoy life without pills? anyones feedback would help me sooo much I just feel like I have hit a brick wall and dont know how to pick myself up. I have read other peoples board and there are so many great people who I know can help me. I need help thank you to everyone for helping me take my first steps on not being a pill "junky" anymore!

Kim, the best thing i think would be to go to a rehab or at least a detox center.
i was addicted to meth, pot, alcohol, pills, you name it i took it. i'm now sober 3 years.
lots of AA and NA meetings helped. as well as intensive rehab. there's some kind of emotional reason you are taking the pills. you need to talk to someone and figure out what that is and why. then from there you can start to recover. best of luck to you! i know you can do it. God bless!!!

Thank you for your support I appreciate any suggestions. I just dont think entering a rehab is the way I want to go. None of my family members know and I have no insurance to pay for it. I'm strong enough and I hope and pray I can kick this with the support of the forum and the support of those who love me. Once again thanks.

Kim - Well you are already thru one of the toughest parts of quitting.... you have been able to admit to yourself, and to us, that you have a problem with the pills and that you don't know how to stop. It might sound corny, but that truly is one of the hardest parts of this process. And you might not feel like it right now, but you are actually lucky. Lucky because you realized your problem when you are still takinga relatively low dose per day. Many people don't realize that they need to quit until they are up to 15-20 pills a day.

KylenKY suggested getting into rehab etc... and if that is possible for someone to afford then I agree that it is one of the best ways to go. But unfortunately going to inpatient rehab is just not a possibility for many people. I know that it would be impossible for me to do it. I can't miss work like that and I also have responsibilites at home that need to be taken care of on a daily basis.

If inpatient rehab is not an option for you... then in my opinion you have two other options. You can either go cold turkey or you can taper down. Some people would recommend going c/t because you are at such a low dose. Personally, I would do a taper plan if I was you. Although tapering IS hard because you have to have enough control to know that you have pills in the house and to not take more than is allowed for that day. If your boyfriend knows of your plans to quit would it be possible for him to hold the pills for you and then to dole them out to you each day? My brother does that for me with my methadone (I'm not on a taper, but I know myself enough to recognize that I can't be trusted to hold my own meds).

Once again, because your dose is pretty low still, tapering should not be that difficult for you, at least not physically. You could start at the 5 you are taking per day now and then after a week (or longer/shorter, whatever you feel you can handle) drop down to 4 pills and keep adjusting like that. You can even drop down a HALF pill if you feel the drop in doses is too much for you. I really think that you will be able to go off of these pills using a taper plan. And you should be able to do it without feeling too much in the way of physical w/d since you are starting early before your dosage got any higher. This is all only my opinion.... I's sure you will get other advice as well. Keep us posted as to what you decide to do! We are here for you! I know you can do this!!! :) :) :) - Tina

Tina,
Thanks you so much for your letter it made me cry. Just knowing that complete strangers care about me is the best feeling. I'm am going to tapper myself down as you suggested. I have had someone dose them out to me but in my state of mind it makes me feel like its someone controling me. I will do my best and if I slip I slip but I will pick myself back up. I will keep everyone informed and I look forward to any suggestions. Thank you once again your kind words mean alot to me. I let my boyfriend read my posting its easier to let him see how I feel in writing and we both cried. Once again thanks for your advise I took it to heart. Kim

I am here for you whenever you need someone to talk to. There are so many people on this board that will be here for you. I found this board by accident a few months ago and it has truly been a godsend for me. I hope that it will be the same for you. As for someone "controlling" you by holding your pills. Someone on this board made a good point to me when I was hesitant to have my brother hold mine for me... she said that while we might have the pills in OUR hands but we are NOT in control. The PILLS are in control. If we were truly in control, then we would not be having the trouble we are. If we were in control we would not be taking more than we should. But we are. Which shows that she was right. The pills are in control right now. Go ahead and try it on your own... but I really recommend having someone else hold them. I said the same thing you did. Plus, I dind't want to drag someone else into my mess and have them feel responsible for my pill popping. And I felt that I was so serious about tapering that I had to be able to take care of it myself. Well, I realize now that deep down those were all excuses. At the time I thought I would be fine holding them myself and only taking so many per day... but looking back, I think that deep down I was scared that I wouldn't be able to do it. That I was going to have w/d and feel sick and I wouldn't even have the option to hlep myself by taking just ONE extra....Well, I actually ended up taking MORE than I had been taking before!!! It was really weird. I felt like I had absolutely NO contro over myself. I was so disappointed and down on myself. So, this time around I wouldn't even allow myself the opportunity to screw up. Because now I KNOW that the pills have complete control over me. And until I can break that control I won't allow myself access to my ownmeds.

If you aren't financially able to go to rehab I understand. I still owe about 2000 bucks for it, but well worth it. I would still suggest going to NA meetings. Those are free, and there are many people there that are more than willing to help and listen to you. I found alot of strength from my meetings I attended. One thing you will find out about addicts is that we all care for each other because we know what you are going thru! Helping others helps us as well. I'm here for you and I want you to know that. You can do it! Don't ever think you can't. It's hard and takes work, but you can do it.

*Hugs*
Kyle

Just checking in you Kim to see how you are doing today? Have you decided when you want to start your taper and everything? Let me know so I am all ready to start up your cheerleading squad! :) I know it's a hard thing to get started with. I'm hoping you are still feeling positive about things this morning!

Tina,
Thank you so much. Today when I woke up I only took 1 1/2 instead of 2 1/2 I'm constantly thinking about taking one more but I'm not. This is very hard fighting my mind its almost like a mental addiction rather than a physical. I appreciate everything and I'm going to get the hell out of the house so I'm not thinking about it and cave. WOW and I thought I was a strong person this puts a whole new perspective on things. Thanks again...

How many are you allowing yourself per day? I know you said you were normally taking 5 before. Maybe start yourself at 4 1/2 and then drop by 1/2's as you go? That slow of a taper should make it easier on both your body and your mind.

You are right. It seems like the mental addiction is harder for many people than the physical aspect. The hardest part is convincing yourself not to take that "extra" pill. I struggled with that all the time. Most of the time I lost the battle unfortunately. That is why my brother has to hold my meds. It sounds like you are doing a good job of holding yourself back. Good luck! I know you can do this! :)

Tina
Yesterday I did a really good job I took 3 1/2 which was hard but I did it. Today I didnt roll right out of bed and take any like I normally do. I waited almost 2hrs which is a good accomplishment for me. Then I only took 1 1/2. I'm working on it. Do you mind if I ask what was your drug of choice and how long you have been fighting the battle? Its nice talking to someone who understands how hard this is. I look forward to talking to you agian. Thanks again for my cheerleading squad. kim

Hang in there Kim,it's a long battle but you've got the tools to make it through.The big thing is to stay on scheduale and don't deveate from it.Good luck......Dave

You will probably relapse tho. You don't ever get over this. There is no cure. It's a life long battle. If you are weak, you will die.

Hi Kim - I have a chronic pain condition so I pretty much HAVE to take pain meds. I was on vicodin for YEARS... my condition was diagnosed almost 6 years ago. I had a problem taking them as prescribed. Partially because if my pain, partially because I liked the feeling, partially because towards the end they weren't working for me anymore so I would take more and more to try and make my pain go away. It got to the point that I was taking way too many and getting nothing from them. I would go thru my months worth in a week and they didn't even help me! I just couldn't stop myself!!! I talked to my doctors about it and they said that it was completely unrealistic for me to try and go off pain meds. I just had to find a way to control my usage. The first thing was to put me on a med that actually worked at relieving my pain so I wouldn't feel like I had to self medicate because I was still in pain anymore. And then to also come up with a plan to control my wanting to use for the euphoria etc... that turned out to be having my brother hold them for me. 3 pills does a good job of relieving my pain, but if I had access to the prescription bottle I guarantee I would take more. THAT is my problem. I can't control myself. At least not now. I'm working on staying steady at this dose and working on my other issues, depression, anxiety, etc... the "right" ways (at least for me) by using therapy and anti-depressants so that I can get control over addiction to hopefully someday be able to be responsible enough to hold my own meds and take them the right way. Who knows if that will ever happen, but I sure hope so! My doctor doesn't want to do surgery for at least 5 years so I will have to be in pain management until then.

Congrats on your success over the past few days. Remember to do things at a pace you are comfortable with. You are at a low dose so no matter what your taper won't take as long as it does for some who are on much higher doses. But it sounds like you are doing GREAT!

And as for relapsing??? Yes , KylenKY, I do agree that once and addict, always an addict. This is a life long battle. There are many, many, addicts who relapse and have to go thru this process many times even though the really, truly, WANT to quit. And there are some who are never able to make it... However, there are people that are able to go through quitting once and are very successful with it. It IS definitely possible. It just differs from addict to addict...

Kylen & Kim - yes many do relapse - but not all. I have some very very good friends in the program of NA who are clean multiple years. One who has 13 years, one with 15 years, my husband has been sober 15 years, my friend who runs a halfway house has 18 years, I have a friend who died of cancer with 17 years in the program - and yes he died completely clean - he did not take pain meds even through his cancer treatments. I had 11 years before I did relapse in late summer of 2004 - but I"m fighting very hard and thank god every day for putting the NA program in my life. I have been given the tools to stay clean - it's up to me to use them.

The ones who are the most active in a 12 step program, surround themselves with other clean people and become willing to do whatever it takes to stay clean are the ones who seem to do the best. For me it was a slow slide away from NA meetings and my program friends that took it's toll in the end. I made the choice to use - yes, but I feel strongly that if I had been spending enough time working on me and living the steps - the relapse would have never happened.

For some people a relapse after a long period of clean time means there is more to be done and this has certainly been true for me. I worked on the drug addiction issues the first time I got clean and though I did work some on other things - not enough. My relapse shook me to the core and has had the effect of shoving me in a completely different direction this time. There are lots of issues other than the addiction itself - relationships, childhood traumas, character defects and other issues that might need professional help to overcome. That is where I am now - really working on the wreckage of my life.

Kim I wanted you to know that there are many others here who have walked to same path including myself. Like you my hydro use seemed to pale in comparison to others I read about here - but it was a problem for me and as long as you recognize that you have a problem and are ready to do something about it - you can overcome it. I will say that in your being relutant to let someone else help dole out your meds - you've left a reservation that could take you down in the end.

Remember that you were willing to go to any lengths to get and use your drug - you must also be willing to go to any lengths to get and stay clean if it's what you really want. It's time to recognize that what you were doing before was not working. You were the one moderating your drug use before and it wasn't possible to control it. There is a good reason for that - like I've said many times here before - the drugs are in control now - not you. Addiction is cunning and powerful - you will delude yourself in a million different ways through this - an what it does is leave the door open just incase you want a couple extra pills. Before you know it - you're wide open again. Take it from the voice of experience - I tried a million and one different things.

Unfortunately the most recent thing I tried to "feel better" after I had already kicked the Hydro habit now has be by the throat and I am in a battle to get off it as well. My advice is let your friend or boyfriend hand out the drugs at reasonable intervals if they are willing to help you...it's not a sign of weakness - but a sign of stregnth that you recognize your problem and become willing to do WHATEVER it takes. That is truly the key - willingness, humility, honesty and a desire to get clean. I strongly recommend some 12 step meetings and reading literature. If you check your local newspaper they usually have listings for local meetings - or call the NA hotline. THe number should be in your phone book.

Best wishes on your journey. There are many who have gone before you or are currently in the same or a similar battle..you'll have plenty of company. :wave:

I just want to thank everyone for their advice and kindness. Yesterday I took 3 and today I havent taken any. I do have chronic pain there is no cartlidge left between my knees so when I walk I have bone on bone scrapping but I'm to young to do any surgery. I also have chronic headache syndrome which means I have a headache everyday of my life and there is nothing anyone can do to stop it. I really want to stop these pill then I notice I'm eating advil like tic-tacs which isnt healthy will there ever be a healthy medium? MY RX for hydros is 2 daily I think if I can get back to that and then lessen it I will be just fine. I just want to thank everyone I will keep you updated.

i'm so sorry if i implied that it couldn't be done. i just don't want you to relapse and feel like crap cuz of it, because it does happen. it took me many tries to get to my 3 years now. i'm praying for you Kim!!!!

I'm doing good yesterday I only took 2.5 which is great I did have some pain and trouble sleeping everyone know the sweats then the chill but I did it. I did break down and take 1/2 which is a whole hell of alot better than 2.5 or 3. I can do this.

Good for you Kim! You are doing great! You'll be done with this taper and back on track before you know it. Although, I would talk your doctor. It sounds like 2 a day was not helping your pain at all. Which is understandable being an incredibly low dose to be using to treat actual pain, my prescribed dose of hydrocodone when I was taking it for my chronic pain was 2 every 4-6 hours for a max of 8 per day!!! Maybe the doc can prescribe a different type of medication that you wont' have to worry so much about addiction etc.. with. I am worried that if you go back down to two and end up being in constant pain that it will be a temptation to start using more again. It's hard to accept being in pain when you have a bottle of pain pills sitting in your medicine cabinet.