Hello, I am 24 and my dad was diagnosed with metastatic colon cancer a few months ago. His cancer has spread to his liver (many many tumors, with one very large one), his lungs (a few small tumors), and his lymph nodes. He has been going through chemotherapy, but he's just getting worse. He still goes to work occasionally (my mom drives him), but he mainly just sits/lies around. His pain has gotten really bad. His liver is so distended from the tumors that his belly is sticking out really far. The results of his CT scan showed that in some parts, his liver took up three quarters of his abdominal cavity. Although I am terrified about the cancer and his pain, the hardest part for me lately is watching his mood get lower and lower and lower. Right after Christmas he seemed to realize that he probably wasn't going to be able to beat this thing, and ever since then, he has been extremely angry and depressed acting, but he WON'T talk about his feelings with me or my mom. I just don't know what to do. I'm so sad about this, and I'm worried that my dad could be spending his remaining time left angry and depressed. I feel like I should be doing something to make him feel better, but I don't know what to do. Luckily I live only about 30 miles away, so I visit with him and try to always tag along with him and my mom to his chemotherapy and doctor visits, but that doesn't seem to be enough.

I just hate seeing him so hopeless, and I can't figure out a solution. Also I think it's hard for me to cheer anybody up when I'm so depressed and anxious myself. This is just a terrible time for my family. I don't know if anyone has any suggestions or advice for how to help my dad, but I just needed to get this out there.

Also, does anyone have any experience with someone who has advanced colon cancer that has metastatized to the liver and lungs? Does anyone know what we can expect next? I think that's a hard part for me and my family too - knowing this is probably going to get a lot worse, but having no idea what to expect.

Please know that you can't "fix" things for your dad but you can find out all you can to make his life easier. Use the Internet and ask your doc for recommendations for in-home care. Also, read up on pain management. This is key. Many docs don't know how to prescribe for pain management and you and your mom may need to "bully" them into prescribing adequate meds.

Your dad may never talk to you about his feelings. I don't know why but people are almost embarrassed when they are diagnosed with cancer. Like...they've done something wrong. You just need to do what you're doing - visit, go to appointments, educate yourself. Be vocal with your dad's doc. Be his advocate. You are a good daughter, kali.

jimmielegs has said it beautifully but I just wanted to add my support. I would continue doing just as you are doing and giving your dad an opportunity to talk if he wants to. If he does not, don't push it. Maybe by starting a conversation with him, expressing your own feelings of concern might get him going, but it may not.

This is a rough time for you and gives you such a feeling of helplessness. All you can really do is ensure your dad is getting the best treatment available and that he is as comfortable as possible. You must also take care of yourself. Your feelings of sadness are to be expected and are quite normal. If things become too difficult for you and your mother, you could ask for home care, if available in your area.

We are here to help and support as much as we can so do not hesitate to come back to the board if you feel it will help you.

Take care,

My heart goes out to you. We have very similar stories. I am 35 with 2 small children. My mother was diagnosed with metastatic colon cancer in 2002. She received chemotherapy on and off for a couple of years, but then chose to stop all treatment. What life she had left was being "robbed" by the side effects. We all supported and respected her decision, although very hard. Since then she has been very quiet about any CT results. The family has basically been "in the dark" for over a year now. She has not wanted to talk about anything concerning her cancer. During our holiday time together (we live several hours away) there was no question that something was definitly wrong. She finally broke down and revealed to me and my husband the results of her latest scan. Her liver is scattered with lesions as well as a large lesion, there are now a couple of nodules in her lung, pelvic area is covered, spleen has an area consistent with metastasis, and more. She is sad, tired (sleeps a lot), has terrible pain in her shoulder, nausea with vomiting. We feel so sad and helpless. Not understanding the whole process of how cancer "works" so to say, we don't know how much time we have left. All I can say is make your loved one feel comfortable, let them know how much you love and care about them, thank them for something that they did for you that made a difference in your life, let them know that it is OK to share their feelings, assure them that you are strong enough to handle the truth even if you don't feel strong at all. Hang in there and know that you are not alone. God bless you and your daddy. Let's keep each other updated.

It's possible that the abdominal distention that your father has from the liver tumors may be due to ascites - a fluid buildup. That fluid can be removed with a needle and repeated as needed. That might help some with the discomfort. Have you been in touch with Hospice? They are a very knowledgeable, caring service that can help your Dad deal with both the psychological and physical end of life issues. They can also help with pain management and counsel the family on what to expect next. If he is not currently receiving chemotherapy, please consider this.
Leslie

Thank you so much for your support. This is just such a hard time for me, my dad, and my family, and it's helpful to talk to other people, especially people who have gone through/are going through this. I never realized how devastating cancer can be...

I have not written since my father passed on 6/22/05. He had ascites as well. There are specialists in treating ascites and perhaps if we had insisted on his surgery and the ascites treatments, he may have had some more time with us. He was only with us from six months of diagnosis (inititally stage II) to his death. Make sure you do say whatever you want to say to him and he to you, and try not to give up. There are a few docs specializing in treating ascites right now, and they were anxious to help us, but it was too late....we spent too much time looking for second opinions elsewhere. Everyone at this board was very helpful, and maybe there needs to be another thread, for ascites treatments (since they are so new). But brother and I, both single, no children, didn't push hard enough, and we have huge regrets about not pushing Dad for telling us the depth of his knowledge in life......his wisdom, the depth of his emotions... We feel the greatest loss in not knowing the "real" him. But again, each situation is different...our Dad never wanted to know he way dying. We are still in such pain....the three of us were closest friends. Best confort came from CD. He rightfully insists that we all remain anonymous to eachother...but at such a young age, he is so knowledgeable...I would like to know his history. Are you a Phd or MBA or...I don't know why I think it matters. I'm still too injured by all of this to think straight. One thing I can tell you...we ALL (Dad, bro and I) waited way too long to get emotional help. Brothter and I (and Dad) were/are all professionals, and our jobs are in jeapordy due to the stress of all of this. In all sincerety, Seatttle (now Phoenix) daughter.

Hi SeattleDaughter, I am so sad to read your post and feel your pain. Everyone reacts differently to dying. Some can face it, some do not want to talk about it. I am one who always wants everything in order so that if I am to die sooner than later, all my affairs would be sorted. My husband sounds more like your father and does not talk about such matters. The point is that there is nothing we can do to change how others react to their impending or ultimate demise. The fact that you and your brother were so supportive and loving to your father is all that really matters. Please do not let regrets about action you feel you should have taken, take over your emotional health now. At the time you both did the best you could do to get the best treatment for your father.

I hope you and your brother have remained close in spite of the stress your father's passing has caused you. It is NEVER too late to get counselling. Yes, I agree that it would have been helpful from the start, but I expect you were too taken up being there for your father at the time and making sure he was as comfortable as possible. But I do hope you are both in counselling now, especially as it is affecting your jobs.

Yes, CD is an amazing and knowledgeable person! I am sure he will be able to give helpful information on treating ascites.

Do take care of yourselves. I am sure your father died knowing you and your brother did everything you could to get him well. He would not want his passing to cause your lives to fall apart now.

Love,

Dear Allison,

Your insightful guidance gave me comfort when I posted to the boards (before Dad's death) as well. I read the boards so regularly still, and still wonder at your wisdom and clarity.

Thank you for your kind words. Brother and I, were and still are closer than the closest of friends, and just as of tomorrow, the last of my father's estate will be settled and we hope to start to heal. But me, being the persistant negative thinker, just think of all those people whose financial situtations have kept them from getting the best treatment. We will be donating a great portion of his estate to cancer research. I have begun to contemplate how to live the happy life Dad would have wanted me to have......but still don't know how. I'm just so glad you are all here for each other.

Seattle/Phoenix-Daughter

Hello, I am 24 and my dad was diagnosed with metastatic colon cancer a few months ago. His cancer has spread to his liver (many many tumors, with one very large one), his lungs (a few small tumors), and his lymph nodes. He has been going through chemotherapy, but he's just getting worse. He still goes to work occasionally (my mom drives him), but he mainly just sits/lies around. His pain has gotten really bad. His liver is so distended from the tumors that his belly is sticking out really far. The results of his CT scan showed that in some parts, his liver took up three quarters of his abdominal cavity. Although I am terrified about the cancer and his pain, the hardest part for me lately is watching his mood get lower and lower and lower. Right after Christmas he seemed to realize that he probably wasn't going to be able to beat this thing, and ever since then, he has been extremely angry and depressed acting, but he WON'T talk about his feelings with me or my mom. I just don't know what to do. I'm so sad about this, and I'm worried that my dad could be spending his remaining time left angry and depressed. I feel like I should be doing something to make him feel better, but I don't know what to do. Luckily I live only about 30 miles away, so I visit with him and try to always tag along with him and my mom to his chemotherapy and doctor visits, but that doesn't seem to be enough.

I just hate seeing him so hopeless, and I can't figure out a solution. Also I think it's hard for me to cheer anybody up when I'm so depressed and anxious myself. This is just a terrible time for my family. I don't know if anyone has any suggestions or advice for how to help my dad, but I just needed to get this out there.

Also, does anyone have any experience with someone who has advanced colon cancer that has metastatized to the liver and lungs? Does anyone know what we can expect next? I think that's a hard part for me and my family too - knowing this is probably going to get a lot worse, but having no idea what to expect.

Dear kali

Everybody here has posted so well to you that I have not felt the need to do so until I read your posting above.

A lot of folks here on the boards know how I lost my mum to colon cancer just as my husband was recovering from it. It was a great strain on the family but I think we coped as well as we did because we did express our feelings to her and simply asked her to tell us what she wanted from us in terms of her personal care and probably more important, what she did not want from us. She did not want us to look after her when it came to the point that she needed help with personal hygiene and toilet and she did not want us to see her in pain (or her be in pain).

This lead us to organise reasonably well in advance (about a month) what resources were available to us here in the UK. We made sure she was happy with her doctor who was prescribing her pain relief and that she trusted him so that she knew that the right decisions would be made when she would inevitably be unable to make them herself. The local Macmillan nurse (a charity run to help cancer sufferers and their families) was also invaluable to us because she was in constant touch with the doctor and nursing care. Between them both, they organised mum to go into a nursing home for the last month of her life, one which mum was happy with.

All the above makes my family sound like the perfect communicators doesnt it? Well, it did not come naturally but we stayed in close contact mostly each day. Mum on the other hand was a different story. She would only talk about her condition for a short while before she brushed it under the carpet and dismissed it like a common cold.

I have rambled on again enough i think. i hope it helps. please ask if you need to know more.

kind regards to you all
ktee