Hi! New to the boards. My one year old little boy is having severe separation anxiety, well, that's what I believe. He doesn't get upset when I leave (he stays with his older brother and my mother-in-law during the day), but when I'm home with him or when he's with her, we basically cannot leave his sight. He constantly wants to sit in our laps or be carried, which is impossible to do 100% of the time. I'm at my wits end (and so is my mother-in-law) and my poor 5 year old is starting to get upset that I can't spend alone time with him. Any advice? Help? THANK YOU!

Jes
DS - 12/7/00
DS - 1/27/05

1st question, is your son walking yet? Do you have to carry him to get him places in the house?

It may sound cruel...but I say let him cry a little bit. No child ever exploded from crying a little bit. I think that he needs to learn that mommy or grandma can't always be there every single second. Try it for a week and see if he adjusts. And if he can walk and he really wants to be with you, he'll learn to come and find you. I think it would be good for him to learn a tiny little bit of independence.

I know how hard it is when the older child has to take a backseat to the needs of the baby. Can you at least plan one day a week where you go out somewhere with him for some one on one time.

It's sweet to have a cuddler for a child...my DD (the baby) is the same way. But it can be hard. He'll probably grow out of it as he become more mobile...so try teaching him to be alone for a minute, but let's also cherish these days, because one day they won't even want us to drop them off in front of the school.

Good luck

Kiera, Thanks for your reply. Yes, he is walking. When I go somewhere and he wants to go, I usually hold his hand to help him walk (he's only been walking a couple of weeks and isn't that fast). I let him cry for 20 minutes straight the other morning just to see if he would stop. I talk to him and sit and play with him, but it's not good enough unless he's in my lap. It's seems that the more independent that he's become physically, the more DEPENDENT he's become. Spending one on one time is so hard with my oldest. On the weekends I do it when the baby is sleeping. On the weekdays when we're home in the evening, I put him to bed (read, etc.) one on one. It's so hard with two. I just feel bad because I want my little one to be happy, and he's just not. Thanks for the advice!

Are you a single parent? I know how hard it is to find time for the older one. I am not a single parent, but my DH and I work completely opposite schedules. So the kids usually just have one parent at home at all times. One on one itme with my oldest also happens during the baby's nap/sleep time. I cherish putting my older one to bed after the baby falls alseep just so that we can read and joke and not worry about interruptions. And then I do something special with him on Sunday when my hubby and I both have the day off.

Do you think that your 5 year old might also be bored? Could you start a play group for the older one so that he has more fun things to do? He could have some friends over while you tend to the little one. Or do you have some other mom friends with little ones? Could you do a switch with the little ones once a week so that you had a day with a few hours to spend with the 5 year old? If not, makybe you should start looking.

As far as the crying and the little one crying for 20 minutes. There probably isn't that much you have to do that takes that much time. Or maybe the stuff that takes a bit longer can wait until after the kids are asleep. I know I can do most things like tidy a room, dishes, change laundry, etc. in about 5-10 minutes becasue that's about how much time I have before someone needs something from me :) So, no big deal if he cries for 5 minutes. I really think he will get used to it.

Or if it really gets bad, is he light enough to put in a back carrier of one kind or another?

Pretty soon the toddler will be able to do more with you guys. He'll be able to help out with what you are trying to do. And play simple games with his older brother. I bet that in the next year it will get a lot easier. And your oldest will have a lot more to do once school turns full time. Just make sure you keep talking to your older one about his feelings and reassure him about how special he is and how much you love him.

The best of luck to you.

I have read that babies go through a new spurt of seperation anxiety right after they learn to walk. I guess it is all pretty overwhelming to them. I say try and bring him with you as much as possible (I know it's hard) and wait it out. It should not last more than a few weeks. Once he is comfortable with his new found independence he will start to become a little less anxious.