:rolleyes: Hi all...
I have a best friend whose son is special needs..he has not been "labeled" as far as i know,but does have a "disability b/c he recieves a small pension each month. I guess you could say his mother has been in a constant state of denile..NOT seeking help even when offered for free. this has been a sore spot with me,,but hey,,, who am I to tell her HOW to raise her kid? :confused:

anywho,,he is 14 & when i see my friend (maybe once a wk) we like to catch up on whats been happening...I have yet to finish a sentance before her son starts TALKING :eek: asking nonsensecal(sp) questions..& interupting~~~
I guess he maybe wants attention?..or doesnt like for his mum to have a LIFE.
This has caused me to stay away from visiting her & i dont know what to tell her? (without hurting her feelings) :confused:
This even happened when we all to to the theatre & see a movie,,I am running out of excuses. She never disaplines him.

He has no friends at school, most of the other people are older & in wheelchairs & cannot read/write..etc..He has one 14 yr old girl that is a nieghbour , she visits him once a wk.
any advice would be great. TY

If this teen is autistic he's not interrupting the conversation on purpose. He just doesn't understand the social cues. You could describe him as being very self centered. When there is a conversation he may be assuming that he is part of that conversation and that you should be wanting to talk about what he wants to talk about. What seems nonsensecal to you is not to him. It makes total sense and you may be the nonsensecal one in his eyes. He may be thinking this: How could she possibly want to talk about anything other than what I think is fun to talk about? Think about it this way. Suppose you are very near sighted but there was not a way to test your vision and no way to correct it. Others who didn't have the near sightedness would see things differently than you but they could never explain it in a way that would allow you to see it the way they do. That's the way social situations are to an autistic person.
Could the mother be more helpful to her son it's possible, but I can tell you that being the mother of an autistic 19 year old it's very overwhelming at times and you just plain get tired. The norm for a family dealing with autism is much different than other families. It's often easier for the entire family to change than it is to try to change the autistic person.

I understand what you are saying,,i cant even imagine how hard it is to raise an autistic child.
Its just sad that our friendship has to suffer b/c of it. Maybe i sound like a "bad" friend,,but actually i have gone OUT OF MY WAY to try to get help for this girl & her son & she has refused.
I think its time to end it.

While it may annoy you that he does things that seem like nonsense to you it's a huge part of your friend's life. Be a true friend and be there for her. It's challenging to deal with typical children, but even more so when the child has special needs. Believe me when I say she needs the adult interaction you provide. She needs your friendship.

Don't try to help her change her life, she'll do that if and when she's ready to, just be there to listen and offer help if she asks for it.

Maybe you are right..

I havent talked to her since new yrs eve,,Ive been really sick & dont want her or her son to catch what i have~
Ive known her for 30 yrs...& well, there are some things she does that i dont do (like smoke & drink),,,another reason I stay away. :rolleyes:
I dont approve of her smoking in front of her son,,but thats not my problem. I dont want to become preachy with her, I "use" to do it (when i was younger) but we all grow out of it,,dont we? Her life is so full of drama...& i am just the opposite.
I just feel bad for her boy & wonder what is his future gonna be like?

First of all, when you say you've gone out of your way to get help for her & her son, what do you mean? Have you asked her if she needs help & what kind she needs? I may be wrong, but it seems like you think her son is just being a brat. I doubt that is the case. Sounds like she's pretty much all he's got. He may just want really bad to participate without knowing how. If he gets on your nerves during the limited amount of time you're around him, imagine what it's like for her.

There could be a lot of different things going on here....for example, a lot of kids on the spectrum are extra sensitive to sounds. My child will sometimes start talking to drown out other noises that are actually painful to her (things that the average person doesn't even notice.) All the discipline in the world isn't going change this. She also has problems comprehending speech ( her brain is wired differently), which can also be a common thing for children with autism. So she has to try to join in based on what she thinks is being said and it's not always accurate. Again discipline won't help this. Maybe you should learn as much as you can about autism. There's a lot of info here and on the rest of the web, not to mention your local library, that might give you some insight into what's going on. I would definitely try to respect what she feels she needs, if you really want to help.

Maybe I am reading too much into this, but she needs a friend to listen, not judge. Her life is so different from yours, it will amaze you what her daily struggles are. Have you ever asked about her son's services? I bet she is tired, over worked, overwhelmed, and every other emotion that goes along with having a child with special needs. If anyone is thinking of his future, its her. When her son interupts, she is probably just happy he is trying to make contact. Alot of kids with autism will not, and that is just as sad for parents. My daughter does interupt, and you know what, I could care less. She is actually making an attempt. I try to guide her interputions into a meaningful and polite interaction, but she doesn't understand what our idea of 'appropriate' is. She knows she wants to be a part of it, but has no idea how to do it, so she just gets right in there. She isn't like my 3 year old son, who has already picked up on appropriate social interactions and can mind his manners.

A good example is what happened to us at a grocery store last year. My daughter, age 5 at the time, who is very sweet looking, cannot answer direct questions or hold a conversation. When asked a question, she usually repeats what you said, or says one word in response. We have been trying like crazy to help her talk. So, we are at the grocery store and I asked what the holiday weekend hours were. The cashier said 'We are open on Easter from - to -. My daughter heard Easter and got super excited. We had been discussing what Easter was for weeks, so she would know what it was. My daughter started spitting out lots of words, none really made sense. The cashier bent down in her face and yelled at her for interupting. I wanted to smack her. I explained my child had autism, and at that point, that cashier was one of the first strangers my child had ever tried to talk to. After being yelled at, my daughter had a glazed over look, and went home, curled up on her bed and cried. I cried too, this is an unbelievably heart breaking condition. I called the manager and cried on the phone. I explained that there are more then 60 kids in out little area with autism and this behavior is unacceptable from an adult. I told him what correcting someone else's kid wasn't her job.

So if you really want to be her friend, sit and listen. If her son interupts, ask him about something you know he is interested in. If you have kids, imagine walking a day in her shoes. If you don't have kids, you may not be able to understand how developmental disorders affect every a parent minute of every hour. Google autism, and visit the national websites. Read about developemental disorders and see what the parents have to say about it.

When my child was dx, the specialist explained it this way: Imagine you are in a dark room. You are tied down to a chair. On one ear music is blaring, and in front of you is a strobe light. You have no control to make it stop. The over stimulation an autistic person has going on in their brain is unbelievable. She asked us how would we act with that going on 24-7.

Jana...thank you for explaining about your daughter...i really had no idea what autistic children were going through. i feel so bad for her,,how very frustrating for everyone.
Yes,,i definatly need to do MORE reserch.

i guess i take it for granted that my son has had a pretty normal childhood .He will be 18 tomorow ♥ I am lucky indeed.

well, one thing i suggested to my friend is to get her son to join Big brothers association..he really looks up to older male figures,,she said ..NO,,he does not take to strangers :confused: I thought a MALE outlook on things would do him good?
another thing is i offered to buy him a "Leapfrog" learning system(talking books)...again she said NO,,he does not WANT to learn. ;(
that is just 2 examples..I think she has kind of Given up. she never talks to me about his diffilulties at home/school..I do ask her..but she seems depressed & changes the subject always. :confused:
anywho,,thank you for your point of view..i need to read some more,,I will try to be there for her~~

Glad to read that you have changed your opinion on this. Unless you live with Autism you have absolutely no idea how difficult it is to redirect undesired behaviors. Sometimes we all give up on one behavior or another because it's so draining and there are so many little things that need redirecting all the time. Changing an Autistic person can feel like trying to move a mountain. There are times as parents we feel hopeless, helpless, and very shut off from the rest of the world because Autism changes everything we do from who we see to where we go. I can speak for myself when I say that I have shut myself off from my friends and family. It's really hard to maintain friendships with people who don't understand this disorder. People assume it's a dicipline issue and they couldn't be further from right. I find myself now resenting those who are quick to pass judgement with little room for forgiveness. My problem I know !!

If you care for her and want the friendship be patient with her son. You are very lucky you never had to deal with this.

I was just wondering,,do you or would you find it helpful to have other parants to Talk to? maybe a support group where you could discuss similar experience's..& maybe have your child interact with other kids that are in the same classroom?

I was going to ask why my friend why she doesnt do this?...Im not sure what kind of support is available for her,,but i am going to look into it.
anywho,,i was just wondering if it has helped anyone cope a bit better? (kwim)?

who am I to tell her HOW to raise her kid?

well, if she's not doing it right...

anyway, just tell her. if she gets pissed, then you should tell her she needs to start raising her kid properly. it'll probably sink in even if it takes a few days.

Hi
Personally I don't like support groups, somtimes it's like hearing everyone else's problems when you have enough of your own.
I can empathise with you, I too had a friend, who has a son, he is now 11yrs. He had really bad behavoiral problems and she just seemed to ignore them getting him no help and even refusing to talk to me about it.
When the school sugested getting him help she would turn it down saying that everything was ok and that there was no issues surrounding her son. When my own son was dx with ASD i grabbed all the help i could and spoke with everyone I thought could give me insight and help. Our friendship dwindlled away as i could no longer stand by while she turned a blind eye.

From my personal experience i have many friends some mums who have Autistic children and some who don't. I use my "autistic" friends to bounce things off, talk to and share experiences and i use my other friends as welcomed respite. I use these friends to escape the world of special needs and autism and talk about TV, make-up, the weather, anything that takes my mind away and makes me feel like a "person" again. You may find that this is what your friend uses you for. She may see you coming and it can often feel like a ray of sunshine. it can keep you muddling on till the next visit.