I thought I was doing better?

I don’t know why? Or what started it?
Was it thinking about the legal problems coming to a head?
Was it pressure over the medication and starting an experimental drug.
Was it watching the family help my brother with the house they gave him?

It is almost like some died and I started examining my life and of course not liking it.

No one has said any thing but I know my brother is going to live next door and will probably marry his girlfriend with in the year. I think he added on to it so he could rent out a room to one of his friends.

I ask him and my mother and father to just help me by a duplex once. I did not want any money, just some moral support and help with the process. Because I was scared unsure and did not know how to go about it.
My mother looked at the house and said it was a bad idea. That was all I got.
So I am kind of angry over the inequity.

I did decide to cut away from the family and end my desire and dream to run the business that my father had promised. I mean think I have come to terms with these decisions and I still know that they were right
But the only problem is nothing ever took their place.
Now that my brother and mother and father are running the business that was promised to me it still hurts.
I just feel like I need a new dream and path for my life so stuff like this, which I have no control over, does not hurt so bad.

Do you know what I mean? It is kind of like maybe when your ex wife or husband get married and you are still hurting two years latter from the divorce. All the pain just resurfaces.
(I think saw that in a ‘Friends’ story line)

Well hope typing all this purged me enough to get some rest. Good night.

[deleted as per author's request]

[This message has been edited by chrysanthemum (edited 01-11-2003).]

Hi ff,

Chry's e-mail above gives very good advice.

My suggestion is to try to find a therapist who thinks more along those lines than your current therapist seems to do.

I might be totally off target here, but therapists being human, and so sometimes making mistakes, can sometimes either seem to blame peoples parents... or blame the people themselves for their situation.

Chrys's post did not place the blame anywhere, which IMO is what both you and your therapist should be aiming for. In fact, I think that I remember reading in one of your recent posts, that that was what you are trying to do http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/t_up.gif

I hope I haven't confused you. As I think ej said in one of her posts, I am validating this for myself as well as for you http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Thinking of you,
Hugs,
Fuzzy

OM goodness, Smithy, things can be hard to sort out, can't they?

I don't see how I could possibly add to anything that Chrys & Fuzzy have already said.

It's very possible this is a blessing in disguise...I hope you won't hate me for saying that, as I know you're hurting right now.

I do wish you the best and try to keep your chin up.

Hugs,
Bev

Hey there ff.........on this I can see where you are comming from.
We had been promised the family business and worked for free for years to keep on top and to be ready when the Dad retired. There would have been enough for all.
But baby brother who could not keep a job for anything, whined to daddy so behind my husbands back offered it to middle bro. then to baby bro.
Baby bro. got it because 'he couldn't make it anywhere else'.
He also snorted it up his nose, in three years nothing was left for anybody.
Baby bro also got a corvette because it made him feel better about himself.
Baby bro got to take guided fishing and hunting tours, las Vegas trips etc. because he was lonely.
Baby bro. also hocked the rings left to my girls because he needed money.
In short, nothing that was promised to anyone was left FOR anyone.

My kids always thought me 'anal' when it came to being fair. Monetarily as well as priviliges.
But I would not change it as this is the sort of thing I had hoped to avoid in my kids.
Kids always have some resentments. But this is one of the most scarring, and I managed to avoid that one.

My mom also treated me differently. I was the black sheep. It seemed that those who were always in trouble were offered help. Those of us who tried hard were left out completely.

I don't think that parents think just how much they effect the lives and futures of their children.
Parents and teachers...........

I could not have put it better than you just did in your post as to how that hurts someone.

The people who can love you the most are your family, but it is a double edged sword isn't it?
They can also be the people who can send you into a crumple for a generation or more, leaving you where you are now, self examining.

I suppose in one sense self examination is good depending on what it is you are addressing.
But if you don't know, are in pain, feeling less than worthy of common courteousy, then it is immense and incredibly burdensome.

I hope you feel better ff.
I don't know what to say because there really isn't anything to say.
In the end, we ended up taking in 'daddy' because nobody else would. Two brothers had been terrribly hurt and harmed by the favoritism and the third perhaps the worst of all as he is now into his forties with a child, a broken marriage and mowing lawns.

All this from a family that had a lot of money, belonged to a country club and spent much time shopping and playing golf.
Now they all struggle to just to get through a day.
They are also left with fools pride.
The favorite maybe has paid the price more than the rest in the long run tho.

There is a saying the 'if you marry for money, you will earn every penny of it emotionally'.
This also goes with manipulating ones way in business to attain control or anything else one does for personal gain.

Your parents did a great disservice to you kids and ultimately pitted brother against brother. How very sad.
Not much of an accomplishment in the long run and certainly can't be terribly satisfying either.

Its a lose lose situation.
ff.......we have just begun to re-unite with the brothers after 20 years. They realized what they missed out on and resent it. It is also very uncomfortable for them to be together as many unresolved issues are still present, lots of embarrasment and worst of all, the knowledge that they were played by a parent who was very selfish in his parenting.

When parents do this it is because they gain something from it first and then the child.
As sick as it is, this is so or they wouldn't have chosen to treat their children in this manner.
eh http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

FF - Hate to hear about the family business situation man. I'm self employed too and know I will have to deal with this as my sons get older. I'm trying to be as fair as I can about it and keep good records so each of them will be able to see in black and white what I have invested in their respective futures. Frankly, I don't think they will either want my company. I think they have other plans, which is fine.

If you got burned on the house deal and business deal there is one way to get past it. Buy your own house and start your own business. Takes time, lots of hard work and it is very hard. You can do it though. There are plenty of creative ways to get financed in the housing market these days and business opportunities and just all over the place right now.

Furthermore, if you do it on your own you don't have them holding you hostage. Nothing worse than being a puppet on a string.

Hope things go well for you.
Bruce

------------------
Those who dispense tough love to their children now should be prepared to receive same back from them in 30 years.

Hey Bruce,
They may not want it, but you have given them options.
It's when you don't have any options that we get into the blaming game.
I think that keeping records is great.
We have all been kids, we all have some sort of injustice in our minds. As we recall them, we can only do so from that juvenile point in our life, and without knowledge or wisdom.
The fact you keep records means that something tangible will be available to your children.
I think it is smart on your part and ultimately beneficial in the minds of your kids when they become older.
Too bad all parents don't do this.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by ffsmith:
[B]I thought I was doing better?

No one has said any thing but I know my brother is going to live next door and will probably marry his girlfriend with in the year. I think he added on to it so he could rent out a room to one of his friends.

I ask him and my mother and father to just help me by a duplex once. I did not want any money, just some moral support and help with the process. Because I was scared unsure and did not know how to go about it.
My mother looked at the house and said it was a bad idea. That was all I got.
So I am kind of angry over the inequity.

I did decide to cut away from the family and end my desire and dream to run the business that my father had promised.

Hey ffsmith:

My father promised me our old house before he died.
Nothing was in writing though. My mother ended up buying
a house with my sister with the insurance money that my dad said was suppose to be split between all the kids. And stupid me, because I was
desperate for a place to stay, rented the old house and gave my mother the rent money.
I didn't get squat from my family nor did my husband
and we've done everything without their stupid help.
And I'm proud that I don't need those jerks. We
bought a small house and fixed it up and this house
means more to me than anything anyone could hand us for
free. Some of my old friends think I'm dumb because
I live in a poor neighborhood, well I didn't have my
parents help at all.

Thanks for all of your replies. I was probably venting more then anything but your replies were great.
I was too scared and upset to read them until tonight.

I know I am going to have to find a place to live and I am going to have to do it all on my own. I know I should put my energy towards a goal instead of the past and current problems. I understand what you all mean when you say that not getting any help can be a blessing in disguise.

Believe me I am trying. I have not given up. Some days are just worse than others are.

Chrys – I agree with every thing you said but I still fell that I have to say some things.
On one hand I am very grateful for all the opportunities I have had in my life. But on the other hand, looking and all the great opportunities that I have had in life can be very depressing. I feel more like a failure, like I wasted my only chance and I will never get an opportunity like that again. As far as finding a house I feel I was never given any help. Which is OK because I know many others do not get any either.
As far as the business, that was not really an opportunity. My father called it that but he was just manipulating me to work 3 years full time (16-hour days) and 6 years part time (6-8 hour days).

But you are right as far as how things go normally I do have a lot to be grateful for and I am grateful

FUZZY and BEV and QUICK FIX – your are all right and I am trying.

Effexorjunkie thank you so much for sharing.
Our families are different but what you said means a lot to me.
My younger brother mows lawns too. LOL!!
Maybe my father does think he needs help more that me?
What you said about pitting brother against brother is true.
I know that unresolved issues will keep me away from my family for at least 20 years regardless if my parents are alive or dead.

Bruce - our situations are different, but you have got some good ideas. My father keeps no records at all. His sister does his books out of guilt.
When I was at the business full time for 3 years I kept a few records and was able to show that sales were up and profits were the same. But despite things not collapsing or falling apart my father could not stop bringing up all the mistakes I had made and everything I did wrong in his eyes. All the customers I had made angry etc… HE BRINGS THAT STUFF UP TODAY and it was 10 years ago.
Also if my father was up front from the start and supportive of me by showing the least little bit of interest in my “other” plans their would be a lot less problems.
If you drilled it into your sons that the only way that the could get any attention from you was to devote their life to your business can you imagine the effect it could have. I know you do not do this, but can you imagine it?
My father was not very reasonable. He was so sure my younger brother would not help him after college, that I was able to bet him 5 figures that he was wrong. My brother came right into his business after college, (except for the lawn mowing LOL). I do not expect to get paid but at least he could say he was wrong.

Also do not tell your sons they have not proven themselves worthy in your eyes yet. This is not good for the self-confidence.

I know what you mean about doing it on my own and not being a hostage and a puppet
I am still trying to do that.

[This message has been edited by ffsmith (edited 09-18-2002).]

Oh my GOD! I don't even want to get started on how parent's treat their children differently! Ohhhhh no, not even going to go there right no, oooohhhhhhhh noooooooo!

Hi ff,

I don't know how I passed this up...as you probably already read along some line I have alot of the same problems.. with family.. I have the rich brother and I have the favored one as well I mean I don't try to go head to head with my siblings never have but mom and pops I don't even know where to begin. Mom and I have never gotten along really I mean she is a harsh women I am more the "ok mom anything you say" person.. specially now. oh I'd have to start from the beginning to really not confuse you LOL.. I would love to learn how not to get so angry alone ( it's an awfull feeling) meanng the stress I put on myself since I don't have people to really talk to face to face. confusing already I can tell I think I need sleep LOL hugs to you FF

Hugs
Koko