I_M_Scared
01-15-2006, 04:07 PM
Hi everyone. I have been absent from the boards for a long while. I have had school and work issues that just drained me.
I have been taking 50 mg Zoloft daily and have my first Psychogist appt on 1/19. I feel like, if my obsessive thoughts were at a 10, they have gone down to about a 4. I am going to ask to up the Zoloft. Also, I am nervous about the pdoc. I am afraid that once I voice the details of my thoughts, I will be told I am a future sex offender and only horrible things will follow---removal from my home and institutionalized, jailed, scorned by everyone.....
I am a woman who is about to be 32. I hear my clock ticking very loudly, but with the intrusive thoughts in my mind, I doubt I will ever have a baby-I don't want to hurt it. That coupled with the fact I have fertility issues reinforces my fear that God knew I would be a bad person and made it hard to have kids. I hate these thinking circles I can't get out of.
Well, anyway, as my title says, I had a new intrusive thought that--even though it was horrifying--it kind of cancelled out the others. (For about a day!! ;) )
I was watching something on tv with a newborn on it. I started thinking about how much I would love to hold my own child, and suddenly, I had an image in my mind of me holding a brand new baby by one leg. I wasn't doing anything but holding it. In the spilt second that came next-when you realize an intrusive thought has seeped into your own thoughts-I knew I would never do that. Even though I later questioned myself and did the OCD thought dance!
The point was, it was the first time in a while I had a thought that wasn't centered on sexual issues. Since I knew I would never hold a baby this way, it helped to aleve the horrors of the other thoughts. It let me know that these intrusive thoughts are OCD concotions.
Well, I have rambled enough for now. Thanks for listening.
I have been taking 50 mg Zoloft daily and have my first Psychogist appt on 1/19. I feel like, if my obsessive thoughts were at a 10, they have gone down to about a 4. I am going to ask to up the Zoloft. Also, I am nervous about the pdoc. I am afraid that once I voice the details of my thoughts, I will be told I am a future sex offender and only horrible things will follow---removal from my home and institutionalized, jailed, scorned by everyone.....
I am a woman who is about to be 32. I hear my clock ticking very loudly, but with the intrusive thoughts in my mind, I doubt I will ever have a baby-I don't want to hurt it. That coupled with the fact I have fertility issues reinforces my fear that God knew I would be a bad person and made it hard to have kids. I hate these thinking circles I can't get out of.
Well, anyway, as my title says, I had a new intrusive thought that--even though it was horrifying--it kind of cancelled out the others. (For about a day!! ;) )
I was watching something on tv with a newborn on it. I started thinking about how much I would love to hold my own child, and suddenly, I had an image in my mind of me holding a brand new baby by one leg. I wasn't doing anything but holding it. In the spilt second that came next-when you realize an intrusive thought has seeped into your own thoughts-I knew I would never do that. Even though I later questioned myself and did the OCD thought dance!
The point was, it was the first time in a while I had a thought that wasn't centered on sexual issues. Since I knew I would never hold a baby this way, it helped to aleve the horrors of the other thoughts. It let me know that these intrusive thoughts are OCD concotions.
Well, I have rambled enough for now. Thanks for listening.
Sponsor
basal1999
01-15-2006, 06:19 PM
interesting, haven't you ever been able to dismiss your
original thoughts before this?
i go in cycles to "am i gonna go crazy" to "that is such
a joke"
you just started meds for the first time? if so, you
should start to feel better and better, hope this
is the case.
how long have you had these thoughts?
kris
original thoughts before this?
i go in cycles to "am i gonna go crazy" to "that is such
a joke"
you just started meds for the first time? if so, you
should start to feel better and better, hope this
is the case.
how long have you had these thoughts?
kris
dgcango
01-17-2006, 06:32 PM
:) After reading your post I can totally relate. I read books about OCD and realized that OCD plays on your biggest fears and what you dread most. I was sexually molested when I was 7. I was totally "normal" until I experienced the birth of my son and then intrusive disturbing thoughts entered my mind. Anyhow you should feel good that you are getting help.
I am still taking 100mg of Luvox at night and it took my OCD from a 10 to a 1 and some days a 0 bc I forget about the whole ordeal.
While you are trying to get better, and you will trust me, try the following and I thing they will help:
1) Buy the book "Brain Lock" by Geoffrey Schwarts also here is another I read by Ian Osborn title Intrusive Disturbing thoughts...he is a shrink who has OCD.
2)Talk to a trusted friend about what you are going through
3) EXERCISE like you never have before
4) Eat good food
5)Talk to your shrink about other SRRIs (Luvox is my miracle drug)
6)Ask for your shrink about getting Xanax so when you feel the thoughts coming on you can take it and it will stop the anxiety dead in its tracks. i take 1 Xanax maybe once every 10 days now.
If you are religious (or if your not that is cool 2) pray to Christ because he doesnt want you to suffer and tell him to help you find the strength to get through this.
I hope you get better. I hope this helps!
I am still taking 100mg of Luvox at night and it took my OCD from a 10 to a 1 and some days a 0 bc I forget about the whole ordeal.
While you are trying to get better, and you will trust me, try the following and I thing they will help:
1) Buy the book "Brain Lock" by Geoffrey Schwarts also here is another I read by Ian Osborn title Intrusive Disturbing thoughts...he is a shrink who has OCD.
2)Talk to a trusted friend about what you are going through
3) EXERCISE like you never have before
4) Eat good food
5)Talk to your shrink about other SRRIs (Luvox is my miracle drug)
6)Ask for your shrink about getting Xanax so when you feel the thoughts coming on you can take it and it will stop the anxiety dead in its tracks. i take 1 Xanax maybe once every 10 days now.
If you are religious (or if your not that is cool 2) pray to Christ because he doesnt want you to suffer and tell him to help you find the strength to get through this.
I hope you get better. I hope this helps!
Cecelia117
01-18-2006, 03:55 AM
Hi. I definitely know what you mean about being scared to tell the psychiatrist about your thoughts. I have both violent and sexual thoughts and also worry about telling them. What makes it worse is that I have a 3 yr old son, and sometimes I worry if I tell her the thoughts she will take it the wrong way and have him taken away from me.
I'm going next month, hopefully it will go well.
I'm going next month, hopefully it will go well.
Dogbone
01-18-2006, 02:32 PM
I know exactly what you mean. My violent/sexual obsessive thoughts are the worst of my ocd problems. I can't even venture to go into them here. For most of my life I avoided calling home to my family because I was afraid of having any sick thoughts about them. I was also afraid of getting married. What if I had some sick thought about my bride to be right at the altar? Having read books and found sites like these I am not cured but a heck of alot better.
You mentioned talking to someone about your thoughts. Like you I have always been afraid to tell anyone for fear of being thrown into a dark hole and forgotten. I did eventually talk to my girlfriend so she would know what I was going through on a daily basis and what she was getting into if she continued to stay with me. That was back before I knew I had ocd. Of course she was initially taken back but she loves me and understands who I am. Finding out later that I had ocd and what ocd is was an additional relief for both of us. I think any psychiatrist will be well versed in ocd by this day and age and will have a handle on any bizzare thoughts you throw at them. They will not throw you in jail wrapped up in a straight jacket. If it still has you worried, you can go to someone who specializes in ocd. I am interested in how it goes. I may finally get off my butt and seek some additional help. Take care.
You mentioned talking to someone about your thoughts. Like you I have always been afraid to tell anyone for fear of being thrown into a dark hole and forgotten. I did eventually talk to my girlfriend so she would know what I was going through on a daily basis and what she was getting into if she continued to stay with me. That was back before I knew I had ocd. Of course she was initially taken back but she loves me and understands who I am. Finding out later that I had ocd and what ocd is was an additional relief for both of us. I think any psychiatrist will be well versed in ocd by this day and age and will have a handle on any bizzare thoughts you throw at them. They will not throw you in jail wrapped up in a straight jacket. If it still has you worried, you can go to someone who specializes in ocd. I am interested in how it goes. I may finally get off my butt and seek some additional help. Take care.
basal1999
01-18-2006, 04:55 PM
i have told my psych and my psychologist who ran a postpartum
group right after i had my son, when these harming thoughts
started....they weren't suprised and they didn't lock me up :)
this particular problem is in so many books that if they
don't know what you are talking about they are not the
right doc to begin with.
i don't have a problem sharing this with people, if they
never had a thought, i bring it down a level and ask "did
you ever feel like you might jump from the second floor of
the mall" people ususally know what i mean, it doesn't have to
be about one's kid to understand or "did you ever think, what
would happen if i put my finger in the toaster" it's the same
premise. you would be suprised, it is so common, people
without OCD don't even remember their thoughts.
hth,
kris
group right after i had my son, when these harming thoughts
started....they weren't suprised and they didn't lock me up :)
this particular problem is in so many books that if they
don't know what you are talking about they are not the
right doc to begin with.
i don't have a problem sharing this with people, if they
never had a thought, i bring it down a level and ask "did
you ever feel like you might jump from the second floor of
the mall" people ususally know what i mean, it doesn't have to
be about one's kid to understand or "did you ever think, what
would happen if i put my finger in the toaster" it's the same
premise. you would be suprised, it is so common, people
without OCD don't even remember their thoughts.
hth,
kris
hlfsfpos
02-04-2006, 08:17 PM
i often have bad thoughts too; usually envolving violence inflicted by myself to ppl that i love or am with at the time. other times sexual thoughts pop into my head about ppl in my family(usually, my dad). i try so hard to push them away. the sexual thoughts always come while i'm engaiging in sexual acts. i feel really bad for my husband because sometimes the thoughts will come and i'll just push him away from me and start crying. he always thinks it's something he did, or that i don't want to be with him. i tell him it's because thoughts came into my head, but i don't ever go into detail as to what the thought are about.
the majority of these unwanted thoughts are violent-related. they've gotten a little better since i've had my daughter, though sometimes the thoughts and images still pop in my head of my hurting her(or others). and it's NEVER a desire towards any of these things, it's always an unwanted thought, or image in my head. i don't know where this stuff comes from.
i was reading online about ocd and how one's childhood can sometimes cause ocd behavior. when i was growing up my mother was always talking about how she was molested by her father at a very young age, and always telling me to be cautious of ppl, i don't know if that has anything to do with any of this.
the majority of these unwanted thoughts are violent-related. they've gotten a little better since i've had my daughter, though sometimes the thoughts and images still pop in my head of my hurting her(or others). and it's NEVER a desire towards any of these things, it's always an unwanted thought, or image in my head. i don't know where this stuff comes from.
i was reading online about ocd and how one's childhood can sometimes cause ocd behavior. when i was growing up my mother was always talking about how she was molested by her father at a very young age, and always telling me to be cautious of ppl, i don't know if that has anything to do with any of this.