Hi all --

I have very little time to post these days. You know how it is. Between work, my house work, Mom's care and trying to have a life....... And I wonder why I'm tired. :rolleyes:

Overall Mom has been doing okay. Not great, but okay, and hanging on day to day.

Well, this weekend I went to get her for the day. There were two or three times when she gave me chills. It was the look in her eyes. I can't even describe it. It was a combination of fear, anxiety, and anger .... so hard to describe.

Has anyone else noticed this? It seems to be at moments when she was lost in her thoughts. And it was chilling.

A couple of weeks ago I got to her apartment and she told me she had two grapefruit for me. She went into the kitchen and picked up two apples. It took me a second to realize that she was confused about what the apples were. A few seconds later she looked down and said "something's not right".
When she looked up it was the first time I saw this look. It was the first time she'd become that obviously confused about what a common item was.

I'm afraid this is an indication that she is taking another step in this disease.

(Oh, and with that story in mind, we are still -- on a daily basis -- having to deal with her furry and constant argument that she is fully capable to drive and we are just being awful people for taking her license. It really makes me wonder how many souls are out there like her who don't have someone monitoring their condition.)

Seeking

Seeking.........

Oh, my, I know exactly what you mean about that look in their eyes. I never could figure a way to describe it but I see it often now that Mom lives me.

It's kinda spooky, too.

Me too, I always wonder what's going on behind them when I get that "look."

I remember that look in my grandpa's (dad's dad's) eyes. He had AD too. There was one time in particular that I recall to this day 15 years after his death.

My uncle and aunt were my grandparent's caregivers. There was no one else who lived near them. My dad and his brothers and sisters would take turns driving the 300 miles every weekend to give my aunt and uncle a break. One uncle got into an argument with my grandma and decided he wasn't going to visit them anymore. So I jumped in and took his place so it would be easier for the rest of my aunts and uncles. I drove the 300 miles each way every 5 weeks. Once after a weekend visit, I was in my car getting ready to back out of their driveway when my grandpa stepped in front of my car. He gave me that look. I looked at him for quite a few seconds. That instant, I remember thinking that grandpa's eyes looked like cloudy marbles. But I saw deeper into them the look of a lost, sad and confused child. He didn't know who I was but he knew I was someone important to him. And for whatever reason, I knew that I had to remember that moment.

It hurt me terribly to see that look in his eyes. But strangely enough, I'm grateful that I took the time to study that look as much as it hurt me to do so. Now that he's gone from this earth, I can remember that look with love. Remembering that look has also helped me to have more compassion for my dad because I know what's to come.

I know it hurts like h-e-double hockeysticks. I would never wish that look on anyone.

Unfortunately, you're probably right about anouther step in this disease. And eventually she won't be angry about the car anymore.

Love, Barb

Yes, that look.

lost, sad, confused, angry, hurt. Yes, Mom had that look when I last saw her in the rehab in late October. Yes, often Bill comes back from visiting her and writes, Mom had 'that look' again today. It is the scariest thing.

When it first happened I gasped and said "what's the matter?Are your OK?" Mom didn't know how to answer me or even what I meant.

That look is the only diagnosis needed to say yes, this is dementia. I never wish to see it on anyone else.

love,

Martha

I know that look, too. It's like someone else is looking out of their eyes. Someone you don't know and who doesn't know you or their furniture or how to make coffee or their favorite color or how to do all the things they used to do. It is so very sad and so unforgettable.

Bless our hearts, one and all - Barbara

Hello Seeking, it's been a while,

I know that look too. It's the look that finally hits home the disease IS in our loved one .........

My ex-charge when we last saw her at the nursing home, looked up when hubby and I walked in then looked back at the TV. I said to hubby quietly "she doesn't remember us" and we had only not seen her for 2 weeks. When she looked again, her eyes were 'wrong' .. that's the only way I can describe it, and then I said "Yes, we're here to visit you" she looked confused and worried ... like she was saying "I know you, but I don't know you"

Lord knows, I had that down the street .. I 'knew' alot of people but for the life of me, couldn't always place them from where. Now that was frustrating and I think my cognition is pretty ok (at the moment, fingers crossed, touch wood), so I can imagine how my ex-charge could have been.

Could it be that your Mum has had that fraction of a moment of lucidity realising she got it wrong and that it isn't the first time? That she's frightened she IS loosing her memory (hence the battles, rages and arguments).

You are such a brave caring soul seeking, my thoughts and prayers are with you and those still caring ...

Hugs
Sally

Thank you all so much. As terrible as it is, there's also an odd comfort in knowing this isn't something only happening to my Mom.

My Mom is a stubborn soul. And even tho she's clearly in Stage 5, she's a bit of an odd Stage 5, fighting tooth and nail to hang on to her independence. And I do think a bit of this look is that even though it's clouded by the AZ, there's a realization taking place that's adding panic and fear. I think she understood that this was a very common item, the apple, that she should have recognized.

One time, years ago, I woke up one morning. Even though I'd sat up and was "awake", my brain hadn't quite caught up to me. For about 30 seconds I was just saturated by a feeling of panic. I couldn't think. I didn't know where I was or who I was. Then my sweet little dog bumped her head under my hand. It jarred me back into reality. Barb -- Like seeing that look, I knew this was something I should remember. At the time I didn't know why.

Seeking

My mom was diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic. This was back before they really knew how to treat mental illness - and they mostly doped her up. But she hated being on the meds - and sometimes would stop taking them. Then she would begin losing and sleep and get more and more agitated - and finally have a psychotic break. During that time, she wouldn't know what she was doing and would have lots of paranoid delusions. As she grew older, it seemed to take longer and longer for them to get her back to reality. During one of the last episodes she had, I visited her in the mental hospital. It broke my heart. She had gotten lost going from the common lounge area back to her room. And then she was frantically going through her underwear drawer rearranging things. And she was scared. She had the look you are describing. And it truly broke my heart - and still does remembering it. As I read this message board I think of her often because many of her behaviours - when she was having a psychotic episode - were similiar to what you describe. But once they got her sleeping again and back on meds, she would come out of it.

When mom had her problems during my younger years, it was very frightening for me as a child. She would follow me around (shadowing?) and it would drive me crazy. She would do weird things and say weird things. My dad didn't really talk about it with me and my sister. I did everything I could to avoid going home before others would be there. I didn't want to be alone with her. It was a major breakthrough for me when I was able to stay with her during one of her breakdowns. This was only after I was older. All this to say - it is very frightening for children... Maybe if dad had talked to us more about it, explained more.. Just don't forget the children around the person with AD and try to find ways to give them an opportunity to express how they feel about it. They may be feeling very scared and you may not know. My dad didn't realize...

Oh, Need, bless your heart! How scary and difficult for you and your sister. I hope you've managed to get past this and to be happy most of the time. (((((hugs)))))

You are so right. Grandkids and kids need an explanation about the odd behaviors they see and what is to come. They need to process the AD information even if it's hard to talk about and permission to ask questions and to say what they need to say.
Good point.

Wishing you well - Barbara

Need:

I can only begin to imagine what that was like for you. I had an Uncle who was alcoholic and I was always so afraid around him because of the uncertainty. You just never knew what he would do. I can't imagine how awful it would have been to have such a frightening situation in your home. You are right. Children need special attention in these situations.

Seeking