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View Full Version : Who am I kidding..............








 

MudPuppy
11-20-2002, 06:12 AM
I'm miserable. I like being off the meds, but it makes it all that more difficult to deal with issues. It suddenly hit me yesterday that next week is Thanksgiving. I had wanted to visit my sister and spend the holiday with her. Now I get to call her up and tell her I cannot afford to drive there to visit.
Hell, I can't afford anything.
So it's another Thanksgiving alone. Followed by another Christmas and New Years alone. There are so many people who just don't realize how lucky they are to spend time with family of friends during Thanksgiving. My only friends are here. I don't have any friends who I can see physically on a daily basis. The few I did have I've pushed away, just like I do with everyone I meet.
When I was growing up, everyone around me was dying (I grew up around a lot of old people). Others moved away. So I learned early in life that no one stays around. Even in today's world, divorce is high. It's so easy to meet someone and just date or live with them until you tire of them. Then you drop them and find someone else.

The question for me becomes "How much more of this can I take?" Now I'm beginning to feel like I don't even deserve to talk to anyone here. Why do I feel so cheated? Why do I feel so unloved? Why am I driving anyone away who wants to get to know me? Why am I such a bad person? Why can't I learn to get along? Why am I the way I am? Why can't I make friends? Why can't I keep the ones I have? Why does everyone I work with act like I have an IQ of 50?
Why can't God take me away from this? Why won't he? I'm of no use here on earth.
I've told people when I was young that I would die of a broken heart. Now I'm beginning to think I'm getting close to that time. No one can help me. I'd have to be locked up for months to get the help I need and I would never last locked up.

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blue cloud
11-20-2002, 06:40 AM
mud puppy i am so sorry you are feeling this way and i wish i could give you answers to all your questions but i think they are answers we are all searching for and if we will ever find them who knows?

i cant tell you how many times i have asked myself many of the exact same questions and how mad i got when no matter how hard or how long i looked to find the answers they didnt come.

you are not alone even though it feels like it sometimes my heart goes out to you and that may not seem like a lot to you but it is all i can give and i give it in whole.

i hope you soon feel a bit lighter of the load you are carring

MudPuppy
11-20-2002, 06:45 AM
I sure feel alone today. But then again, I feel alone all the time. I made a friend here and I chased her off. I probably made things worse for her than better. I feel so alone. I feel so useless. I feel like a nobody. I am a nobody.

Sassy
11-20-2002, 07:59 AM
Mudpuppy~

I know this may sound corny but have you tried praying, (God has a way of giving us the right tools to conquer our problems, we just need to learn to use them). I think you should ask your sister to come to your house for Thanksgiving since you canít afford to go to her house. If that doesnít work maybe you could volunteer at a food kitchen, nursing home, hospital, etc. That may make to feel better about yourself and you will meet people and you may not feel so lonely.

It sounds like you need to go back on your meds. You sound very depressed and down on yourself. Is there a reason you went off? Depression is an uncontrollable disease. Nobody ask for these negative feelings, they just come.

I think that maybe you havenít been able to stay close to people because you are afraid you may loss them and it may hurt too much,(due to your childhood), and maybe you are afraid of rejection. However, we all need someone. We just need to reach out, life is full of ups and downs and we may lose people we really care about, but we may also make a difference in their lives and in turn make us feel good about our selves. Iím really glad you can communicate on this board. Everyone needs to vent and let go of their emotions. If you keep things bottled up, things will just get worse.

Why can't God take me away from this? (He will when heís ready.)
I'm of no use here on earth. (You must find some positive. We all have a reason to be here even if we canít figure it out right now.)
I've told people when I was young that I would die of a broken heart. Now I'm beginning to think I'm getting close to that time. No one can help me. I'd have to be locked up for months to get the help I need and I would never last locked up. (You need to find strength within yourself to conquer these thoughts, fight real hard. We are all special in some way or another, and that includes you. You need to believe in yourself. Tell yourself you are special and there is a reason you are on this earth.)

Why do I feel so cheated? (You feel cheated because life has given you a lot of difficult situations to deal with. When to you it may seem like everyone around you has it so easy, (and that may not be the case.) Why do I feel so unloved? (Low self esteem. Maybe you should sit down with a pad of paper and a pen and write down all the good things about yourself and focus on them and keep adding to the list each day until you feel good about yourself.)
Why am I driving anyone away who wants to get to know me? (You may be afraid of rejection and the hurt you feel inside, so you put up a shield. But we need to take chances and if we fall we just need to get right back up and try again.) (Life is full of risk we just need to take them.))
Why am I such a bad person? (You are not a bad person, you just feel bad about ourselfs. Once you learn to love yourself people will see you in a different way. You may appear unapproachable right now. Try to smile and just say hello, you will be amazed how much more positive responses you will receive.
Why can't I learn to get along? You can learn to get along with a positive out look on life, (even though it may seem useless.) Just keep trying.

I am sorry for the long message, however I hope I helped you in some way. I hope and pray that you will feel better soon. =)

outbacksandy
11-20-2002, 08:39 AM
hey puppy,
dont think I don't know what it is like to ask those questions of oneself because I have asked them too, The thing is, for you to recover from your depression, you need to be asking different questions.
try these,
What can I do for myself today?
What can I do for someone else today?
What can I do for God today?
What do I have that I am thankful for? (don't say nothing, that's a copout!-if it doesn't come right away really think about it-there is a lot of good here, in every life-- including yours! look for it
I know it is hard when that dark cloud surrounds you and its your call whether you can beat this or if you need the meds again, and if you do don't be ashamed--depression is a disease, not a character flaw.

Hang in there, this life is a gift, find a way to unwrap it, and see what it has for you

from the other side of the grey,
sandy

MudPuppy
11-20-2002, 09:08 AM
No it doesn't sound corny, but in order for prayer to work, I have to believe it will work and I don't.
Can't ask my sister to visit during Thanksgiving as everyone is meeting at her house (it's centrally located).
I went off my meds because I had the choice of either eating with no meds, or starving with meds. Some choice huh? And I still can't afford the meds and now I can't even afford food. I backed myself into a corner financially. Yet every time I mention this, people want to know how I could have gotten myself into this situation. It doesn't matter how it happened. What matters now is that I need to figure a way of getting it solved. I need help.
I'm used to losing people and yes, I am afraid of getting close to people because I know eventually, they will leave. People always leave you.
I'm not feeling special right now. Maybe its time to find myself another job. It used to be fun, but it's not fun now. Maybe I just need to quit my life here and take all my 401k money and try to start all over somewhere else. Find a job where I don't feel so much pressure. I don't know. I'm just rambling right now.
I really don't think I'm a bad person. But I'm tired of bad things happening to me all the time. Something good happens in my life and then something else comes along to take that good thing away.
I am very down on myself. When I was a child, I was constantly compared to other people. Many times being told "Why can't you be like ****". Fill in the blank with any name you can think of. They've all been said to me.
I don't know of anyone who's childhood has been screwier than mine. So many conflicting signals.

Now I'm feeling worse. I just started thinking about everyone I work with and how each and every one of them has family here, except for me. They all have someone they go home to each night. I go home to my white walled castle and talk to the paint (or the TV).
This is bad. This is very bad. I can feel myself getting worse, yet I just don't care to try any more.

I don't feel the meds were really working for me. Truth be told, I felt worse on them than better (physically). Mentally, I think the meds were only masking my feelings until I got off them. The feelings were still there when I was on the meds. They just were not as strong as they are now.

I know I'm just making excuses but that is all I feel like doing. It's only a matter of time before I leave this earth anyhow.

MudPuppy
11-20-2002, 09:13 AM
Quote: What do I have that I am thankful for? (don't say nothing, that's a copout!-if it doesn't come right away really think about it-there is a lot of good here, in every life-- including yours! look for it


Ok, I do not have anything to be thankful for. Is that better? I don't have anything to look forward to. I don't feel thankful for a place to live, a car, a job. They could all be gone and I'd still feel the same.

What the heck, no one here where I live cares anyhow.

outbacksandy
11-20-2002, 10:00 AM
puppy,
Keep thinking on that answer, that one is not good enough. there IS something to be thankful for. keep looking! you probably think I just don't get it and I am looking through rose colored glasses or something, NOT AT ALL! I know where you are. I don't know what you want people on this board to say, but I don't think it would help if we agree with you, do you? If we all said, yeah, life sucks, what kind of help would that be? WE all need to have it pointed out that there is something worth going on for, thats all Im trying to do, I don't know you or your circumstances, but I do know that people can get through really tough stuff if they think positive and don't give up! I know you think it takes money to get help, maybe it does, maybe not, look for a way ,
You mentioned getting another job, that's a great Idea, get a fresh start, but you really need to get your thinking changed, you are of value, you are of worth, and you have something to contribute, go get it.

you think noone there cares anyway, well, start with you - do you care? start caring for yourself and see where that goes, maybe do some volunteer work,

anyway, just trying to help,
sandy

Delphi
11-20-2002, 10:45 AM
Muuuudpuppy :(

Sweetheart, you sound horrible. You sound way down in the depths of depression.

How can we get you out of this? I'm just afraid smiley faces won't do it.

Have you been going to work? Are you eating?

Please don't talk about leaving this world. I have felt the exact same way on many occasions, but i'm convinced it's the illness talking. IT WILL PASS.
your situation may not change right now, but eventually how you feel should.

I hate to bring up meds, but was what you were taking the only thing you've tried? I only bring it up because one helped me so much after i had no luck with several.

I wish i could give you a hug or let you borrow my cat...or buy you dinner or something. Please just know that someone does care. I do.

Can you sleep?

Love,
Delphi



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