I'm back... I haven't been to this forum in a while. I am doing OK, but not great. I am training for my first marathon and doing really well with that. I am doing great in my 2nd year teaching.

The love of my life is about to leave me, though. I'm almost 28, and we've been together almost 2 years. He has been my partner and best friend. He says he loves me and hates the thought of living without me, but he's afraid of marriage and thinks he should cut his losses now instead of hurting me more.

The thing is, I've struggled with anxiety and depression for years. I am currently on a low dose of zoloft, which is working well. But I see major depression in him and I think that's why he wants to leave. I think he needs help, and he is grudgingly agreeing to get counseling. But I still don't trust him and am scared every day that this will be the one he'll leave.

I have given up so much for him -- I sold my house, found a home for my dog, sold half my furniture... Now, he doesn't know what he wants, and now he has all the control and I feel so vulnerable. I am trying to get empowered and move out, but I just don't even have the energy to walk out the door in the morning, much less pack all my bags. I have dealt with major health concerns, a bout with acne, problems with my new job, etc., and this about pushes me over the edge.

Any coping advice would be appreciated...

Hi there RA, nice to see you again.
I have been gone a while too.
I am so sorry to hear of your situation.
I cannot speak for your boyfriend, I just don't know him. But, if he is really not ready to commit, then you may be putting your life on hold for nothing in the end anyway.
Don't beat yourself up, 28 is still very young.
I wish I were 28 and know what I know now about some toxic relationships.
Sometimes, someone or something is removed from our lives because it may not be the best thing for us or because it frees us to do something else we would have missed otherwise.
I have seen this work in my life like this many times.
It does not make it easier. It is in the hind sight that the gratitude is expressed and the gift understood.

That said, and I know you know these things, it does not help right now does it?
I don't know what could at this point but there are TWO people here.
What is his fear?
Is he masking?
Try not to find your self transferring in this situation, you may not see as clearly as you need.
I am sure the fear of him leaving is absolutely horrible and I cannot take that away. I most certainly would if I could.
Did this suddenly happen or were things leading up to this?
I dont know what to say as I don't know what has been going on.
RA, you are a wonderful, magnificent person.
Always willing to help and very caring towards others.
I don't like seeing you feel this way.
Tell me how I can help.
ej :H

I am sorry this is happening,but congratulations on the training for the marathon and your teaching.

Does your boyfriend give you any reason why he is so scared of the whole marriage thing? Are you even pressuring him to get married? I don't really understand peoples overwhelming dread of marriage but I do know alot of people feel this way. Could you both go to counsling together? If he hates the thought of leaving you then he should stop thinking about leaving and try to get help with you about his fears and if it's just the marriage issue then I would say wait on it,you don't have to be married to be together. I hope it all works out and he relizes he doesn't really want to leave and gets some help with dealing with his feelings. There could be something inside of him that he fears about marriage or just the whole commitment thing,but I have come to learn that people and life is all we have so why would anyone if they are happy want to throw that away? Could he being doing this as a power thing? Like him just wanting to know that if he did leave you would be upset,could he do this to feel important? I mean I don't know I'm just throwing out thoughts,but try and think positive and I hope everything works out.

:Heart: :Heart:

Thanks for the kind replies.

I don't know what he is afraid of. He says that he loves me more than anything, but that he doesn't want to make a mistake if it's wrong. He's afraid to make the committment to marriage and then get a divorce later, so he'd rather make sure that it's right now. But he can't really voice exactly what the concerns are. He just wonders if our personalities are too different.

We don't argue a lot, so I really don't now where this is coming from. It is my opinion that two reasonable people who want to do good things are who really try can make a relationship work if they love each other. I think that many people don't think they are victims to the relationship without putting in the necessary effort.

That said, I don't know how much longer I can wait for him to make up his mind. It's really hard knowing he's dangling this bomb over my head and can't decide if he wants to drop it or not.

Actually it is cruel to put you in a position of waiting for the shoe to drop.
Gosh, he is old enough to know there are no guarantees of anything in the world.
How does he know that it won't go just the opposite direction and actually IMPROVE by leaps and bounds.
That is as viable as the other direction.
I mean is the glass empty or half full ?
I guess ones take on a 50/50 situation is individual.
We can never have it ALL. No one does. Thats life.
If he is being honest then I would talk to him about the other side of the coin.
Fear is normal. Buying a house can be terrifying but it doesn't keep the majority from eventually getting one.
If it doesn't work down the road it doesn't work. But in the meantime, enjoy what you have TODAY, tomorrow will take care of itself.
Ask him how sure he is that it won't actually be better in stead of worse.
Maybe he hasn't thought of it in that manner.
Could be a case of cold feet, but be sure he is being totally forthcomming. No secrets.
If he won't, he puts you in a terrible position and that is selfish.

HEY EJ, that fear keeps me from buying a house! Well that and the money I guess?

Anyway I think you might be right about the secrets. There seems to be something that is not out in the open. Or at the very least something that is not being understood about the boyfriend.

I know about a fear of commitment. I have an extreme fear of commitment. Why? For me it is all the failure in my life. I have the feeling that no matter what I choose it will be the wrong choice.

At this time I also feel that no woman would ever like me or want to be with me. Certainly no one would ever want to marry me. In fact, I hate myself so much that if I did get married to a woman I would think that I had tricked her or I have hurt or condemned her into a relationship with me. I would never want to hurt a person or limit their life in this way, so I would never marry.

In my eyes I am un-loveable. If a girl would tell me she loves me, she must be lying. I would have a hard time believing it anyway.

Raline, if I were your boyfriend, I would be very concerned about some of the things you are saying.

You have given up so much for me.— That makes me think that I have trapped you. I do not know that I would like to hear that. (Even if you are not saying it like that to him, I am sure that if you feel it, he gets the idea)

I would know after so much time together that you have issues in you life that you are working to overcome. Am I just the guy that you are with until you are healthier and can move on to something better? I would think about that and use it to convince myself that I am not right for you.

You are working to get empowered to move out. I am sure he sees this and it does not make him feel good about committing to marriage.

SO WHAT IS THE SOLUTION?

I think I mentioned this before, but I think you need to set a date. There needs to be an ultimatum so that things will either move forward or, like EJ said, you can be freed to experience something else.

It seems to me that there has to be a lot more talking and understanding. You would think that after 2 years that he could trust your love and you could trust his. But it seems that more work is needed and maybe some therapy or even talking with a pastor/minister/priest.

If just the concept of marriage is the problem, and not necessarily the relationship, then can you work out a compromise? Agree to renew the vows in a year or two or go your separate ways? Look into divorces, and look into pre-nuptial agreements? It sounds kind of stupid but if more is talked about and understood about these things then maybe the fear of marriage would diminish. If you are open about what will happen if things do not workout the fear might diminish.

Of course you also have to be open about what you need from each other. You need a commitment and can not live with him always one step from leaving you. This IS very reasonable.

What does he need?
He needs to know that marriage is the right choice and not a mistake.
He needs to know that you two are compatible.
These are also reasonable, but you would think that after two years that he would have enough information to make these decisions.
He does not so he needs to come up with a plan to so that he can answer these questions for you.
You can help with this plan, or a relationship therapist can help. Either way you should be involved and it should be in the open.
I would like to think that if I was with a girl for 2 years that I could see that the relationship is something worth committing to. I know how I feel alone. I would like to think that together that we would be a happier and help each other and add to each other’s lives in ways that would make the commitment worth the risk of failure.

Wow I said way too much http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/eek.gif



[This message has been edited by ffsmith (edited 01-05-2003).]

Okay ff, I will cut you slack on the money for a house thing LOL!
Lack of money is a real problem in this material world.

I liked your post .....well except the part about not being lovable. Not true.
Think about it, you are making the decisions about you that another would and that is not fair to you or the other person.
I wouldn't like someone making those decisions and statements regarding my judgement. I have my own mind. I bet you are a better catch than you think.
However, I do understand what you mean , I tend to feel like that more and more of late.
But I am fighting it.
Gosh, matters of the heart can be so complicated and draining.
Its that need for acceptance and love we all need and are so very afraid of.
In case you missed it, I forgot the word 'half' in the glass half empty or half full thing LOL!
Apparently I forgot how to use emoticons too.
Man, this last year has been tuff on a lot of us eh?

Okay ff, I will cut you slack on the money for a house thing LOL!
Lack of money is a real problem in this material world.

I liked your post .....well except the part about not being lovable. Not true.
Think about it, you are making the decisions about you that another would and that is not fair to you or the other person.
I wouldn't like someone making those decisions and statements regarding my judgement. I have my own mind. I bet you are a better catch than you think.
However, I do understand what you mean , I tend to feel like that more and more of late.
But I am fighting it.
Gosh, matters of the heart can be so complicated and draining.
Its that need for acceptance and love we all need and are so very afraid of.
In case you missed it, I forgot the word 'half' in the glass half empty or half full thing LOL!
Apparently I forgot how to use emoticons too.
Man, this last year has been tuff on a lot of us eh?

Yes I am trying to fight it too.
You are right, if some one else thinks you are a “catch”
Or beautiful or lovable, then you should accept the complement and believe them.

You are right my friend.
Isn't awful how we pick ourselves apart to save the world from doing it for us?
It is almost like saying "here, just let me do this for you, I am quicker and can save some time with the obvious flaws you will find......."
Heck ff, I do it daily.
I suspect you do what I do.
I first take stock in crappy skin, then my age and lack of accomplishments (that make my age seem even more significant), then what I have to offer materially or financially, then there is of course my condition so who the heck would want to deal with that.
Then how I speak, walk, smile..............ARGGGGGGHHHHH.
Its a kitchen sink mental snow job we do to ourselves.
I wonder if it isn't what we would hope to find in another who would accept us that we judge ourself by.
All of those things I notice in another person.
Usually I see them as having those things and me lacking them.
Sheesh, you would think we could catch a break from ourselves.

Well, you are both right. I can't stop wondering what is wrong with me and how/why he ever came to be with me in the first place. He wants to get counseling, so I'm grateful for that, but I keep wondering if I should just bail out now and save myself the pain later? I don't know; it's hard to think straight. I only got 3 hours of sleep last nigt (darn wind).

He has been unsure about our future for a while, so it's not like I didn't see this coming. I keep picturing myself as this old maid school teacher with 20 cats and no one to grow old with. I have to stop imagining the worst and just deal with today. That said, I'm off to take a nap. I'm so tired, I'm queasy.

Yep, take a nap and sleep on it before you decide.
When you wake up (get good and awake), decide if it is worth it to YOU to try the counseling, ok?
Sometimes we give too much of ourself and have little left over but clouded judgement and confusion.
Then we make impulsive decisions that leave is wanting-----again.
Put yourself first for a change, it's high time for it don't you think?
Don't you think you deserve to have your needs met?
Well, I do.
Take it from me RA, don't wait too long like I did.
I can't get those years back again.
But if I knew then what I know now..........I would have made a blazing path to get what I needed so that I would have enough to share with another.
As it is, we tend to become so depleted we can't be there for anyone much less for ourselves.