syndicate
01-07-2003, 01:07 PM
Hello everyone! This is a short(kinda) summary of my life up until yesterday, the first time I was perscribed Effexor XR.
Lol, i dont expect anybody to read this.. but if you're bored, go ahead http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif I wrote this more as a symbolic breaking out of my depression..
I grew up (am still growing up, only 19) in a family that is centered around God, church two times on sunday and youth group on fridays. At an age of 12 I can rememeber questioning Christianity and all the likes related to God. I was always taught to have faith in a high power, and if I prayed, God would answer me. (In fear of awful religion debates online, I will keep this part minimal) Anways, I never saw this God that they spoke of, never ever felt the presence of something that was supernatual, however hard I tried. The prayer I often called to god, "Why am I here.. What is the point.. What should I do.. How much longer will I have to endure this reality.. Why should I not commit suicide." I eventually came to my senses and was forced to the conclusion that there is no God or there maybe is some sort of God, just one that isn't here. Very suicidal at this point, I don't know why I'm still alive today..
So many fights with my parents, I can remember.. So much yelling and screaming about something that they could so easily be wrong about - God. I fought so hard to not have to go every sunday and listen to the pastor of that church; I hated him with every inch of my being. I've swore at him on many occations, for he is the reason I had to go to church (I overheard a conversation with him and my parents -- "Just keep making him go and eventually he will come to see god"),.. Every Sunday it seemed like they were trying to brainwash me into believing something that wasn't real.
At the same point in my life, around Grade 4, my family recently moved from one part of the city to another; mostly due to ethnic majorities. Most of my friends in my old niehbourhood were not of the same skin color as me, and at that point in my life didn't even matter. Mostly because they didn't care that I was of a different color, they were my friends and we did stuff together,.. the last real time I can remember being at a good point in my life. -- So now in this new neigbourhood, in a new school, mostly white (my own skin color).. I felt out of place, it was hard to make friends.. I started to become isolated and depressed (feelings of wanting to return back to my old house). Althought not a terrible experience, I can remember disliking going to that school as much as I hated going to that church.
A year passes, I get my mom to change schools for me,.. I end up going to a school near she works in the SE (A part of the city I have neither lived in, or attened school in).. Anyways this school which is more ethnically diverse, I remember starting off pretty rough too. The first year I remember making two so, so friends.. they were kinda on and off. The next year I managed to make 2 very good friends which made my life so much happier there.. Of course they were of a different skin color... All relates to my childhood I guess.
Still at this point in my life, being forced to goto the same church .. all was not well. Also at this time, I started getting into massive amounts of online internet games.. When I got home... Instead of thinking of homework or anything else.. I could play right till supper, and right till bed. It was the only thing in my life (as strange as it sounds) that brought joy to my life... So many hours spent, .. so much homework unfinished.. Anyways I managed to get past that point in my life, by the help of the two things I enjoyed in that period of my life.. My friends and computer games.
[lol, this is taking too long and is probably getting pretty boring right now... I'll start to summarize a bit better!!]
Anyways, come grade 7 I had to start at a new school .. (a new start again...) I managed to meet somebody at that school, actually because of the online internet game... we played the same one.. and we were both very good at it.. (Warcraft 2 is the game, just incase your interested :P) However, this school would have to be one of the roughest rides in my life ... besides high-school. My grades in this school were horrible, only managing to pass everything.. Made some decent friends... kept me from becoming a complete loner.. I remember being made fun of at times... which added to the depression. I made it through that point in my life without killing myself.. same thing that kept me going.. Friends, and computer games.
High school comes... depression gets worse.. more is demanded, as I wanted to keep a profession in mind, taking all high level english, math, etc. As it came closer to graduation of grade 12,.. I found myself skipping so many classes .. sleeping in. It was almost impossible to get up in the mornings... I can remember so many times I would tell my parents that I had spares in the morning.. when I really had Physics class.. This was one of the lowest points in my life.. Thought about suicide on a weekly basis..
Then about a year ago I finally sought help, ... talking to my mom about it. She believed I had some sort of chemical imbalance.. so we sought a doctor. The first time we went, he perscribed me with WelbutrinSR which I thought made a bit of a difference.. Helped me get up a bit better in the mornings, however the side affects were so sketchy.. Kind of a speedy/cold feeling which didnt exactly relieve any of the depression.. I eventually stopped taking those ... without really noticing any difference,.. and without really going and seeing the doctor for a while more... But as depression got worse and worse,.. I had to go seem him again. This time perscribing me with prozac,.. I thought this has to make me feel better, with all the hype around this drug. After taking prozac for a few weeks, the only noticable sideaffects being tired all the time. Maybe not a chemical imbalence after all.. maybe I'm just stuck with this life.. constantly depressed, self-contious.. etc.
---
The other day it struck me that it wasn't exacty normal.. That when a teacher calls your name in class that you instantly freeze up and go all cold (often looking stupid in front of the class, because the teacher was asking a simple question). Also as of recent as I started driving,.. taking complicated drives downtown would cause my mouth to go dry, and I'd have to start breathing slower to calm my self down.. Stuff people said would affect me for a whole day, say if somebody was making fun of me .. or got a bad mark in class.
At the same time somebody online was telling me they also had no luck with Welbutrin and Prozac and that I should try Effexor XR.. After I researched this the other day, I found that it as well as being an anti-depressant.. it was also a anti-anxiety drug. Yesterday I went to see my doctor about the fact that previous anti-depressants did nothing, and I was getting more and more depressed every day.. (After being graduated from highschool now, and having no job ... and soso marks,.. nothing that would get me into university).. Anyways, I asked him about Effexor XR, and he thought it would be a good idea..
He gave me 3 starter samples yesterday, and I can tell you now -- this is the best I've felt in years. No anxiety, happy --even though after I came home my parents are fighting... Loud noises which use to drive me down to the nerve didnt bother me.. When the phone rang I didn't cring as hoping it wasn't for me.. (As of recently {before Effexor XR} I've been rather reclusive with my friends.. not wanting to go out.. Being to self-contious to go out of my shell..
I went out with them yesterday and had a great time, .. not telling them was changed about me.. but they certainly noticed a difference in my attitude.
--
I feel I can take on the world now,. I applied at a local highschool upgrading college and I plan to take on University again. Classes start February,. and I'm excited!!
[This message has been edited by moderator2 (edited 01-07-2003).]
Lol, i dont expect anybody to read this.. but if you're bored, go ahead http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif I wrote this more as a symbolic breaking out of my depression..
I grew up (am still growing up, only 19) in a family that is centered around God, church two times on sunday and youth group on fridays. At an age of 12 I can rememeber questioning Christianity and all the likes related to God. I was always taught to have faith in a high power, and if I prayed, God would answer me. (In fear of awful religion debates online, I will keep this part minimal) Anways, I never saw this God that they spoke of, never ever felt the presence of something that was supernatual, however hard I tried. The prayer I often called to god, "Why am I here.. What is the point.. What should I do.. How much longer will I have to endure this reality.. Why should I not commit suicide." I eventually came to my senses and was forced to the conclusion that there is no God or there maybe is some sort of God, just one that isn't here. Very suicidal at this point, I don't know why I'm still alive today..
So many fights with my parents, I can remember.. So much yelling and screaming about something that they could so easily be wrong about - God. I fought so hard to not have to go every sunday and listen to the pastor of that church; I hated him with every inch of my being. I've swore at him on many occations, for he is the reason I had to go to church (I overheard a conversation with him and my parents -- "Just keep making him go and eventually he will come to see god"),.. Every Sunday it seemed like they were trying to brainwash me into believing something that wasn't real.
At the same point in my life, around Grade 4, my family recently moved from one part of the city to another; mostly due to ethnic majorities. Most of my friends in my old niehbourhood were not of the same skin color as me, and at that point in my life didn't even matter. Mostly because they didn't care that I was of a different color, they were my friends and we did stuff together,.. the last real time I can remember being at a good point in my life. -- So now in this new neigbourhood, in a new school, mostly white (my own skin color).. I felt out of place, it was hard to make friends.. I started to become isolated and depressed (feelings of wanting to return back to my old house). Althought not a terrible experience, I can remember disliking going to that school as much as I hated going to that church.
A year passes, I get my mom to change schools for me,.. I end up going to a school near she works in the SE (A part of the city I have neither lived in, or attened school in).. Anyways this school which is more ethnically diverse, I remember starting off pretty rough too. The first year I remember making two so, so friends.. they were kinda on and off. The next year I managed to make 2 very good friends which made my life so much happier there.. Of course they were of a different skin color... All relates to my childhood I guess.
Still at this point in my life, being forced to goto the same church .. all was not well. Also at this time, I started getting into massive amounts of online internet games.. When I got home... Instead of thinking of homework or anything else.. I could play right till supper, and right till bed. It was the only thing in my life (as strange as it sounds) that brought joy to my life... So many hours spent, .. so much homework unfinished.. Anyways I managed to get past that point in my life, by the help of the two things I enjoyed in that period of my life.. My friends and computer games.
[lol, this is taking too long and is probably getting pretty boring right now... I'll start to summarize a bit better!!]
Anyways, come grade 7 I had to start at a new school .. (a new start again...) I managed to meet somebody at that school, actually because of the online internet game... we played the same one.. and we were both very good at it.. (Warcraft 2 is the game, just incase your interested :P) However, this school would have to be one of the roughest rides in my life ... besides high-school. My grades in this school were horrible, only managing to pass everything.. Made some decent friends... kept me from becoming a complete loner.. I remember being made fun of at times... which added to the depression. I made it through that point in my life without killing myself.. same thing that kept me going.. Friends, and computer games.
High school comes... depression gets worse.. more is demanded, as I wanted to keep a profession in mind, taking all high level english, math, etc. As it came closer to graduation of grade 12,.. I found myself skipping so many classes .. sleeping in. It was almost impossible to get up in the mornings... I can remember so many times I would tell my parents that I had spares in the morning.. when I really had Physics class.. This was one of the lowest points in my life.. Thought about suicide on a weekly basis..
Then about a year ago I finally sought help, ... talking to my mom about it. She believed I had some sort of chemical imbalance.. so we sought a doctor. The first time we went, he perscribed me with WelbutrinSR which I thought made a bit of a difference.. Helped me get up a bit better in the mornings, however the side affects were so sketchy.. Kind of a speedy/cold feeling which didnt exactly relieve any of the depression.. I eventually stopped taking those ... without really noticing any difference,.. and without really going and seeing the doctor for a while more... But as depression got worse and worse,.. I had to go seem him again. This time perscribing me with prozac,.. I thought this has to make me feel better, with all the hype around this drug. After taking prozac for a few weeks, the only noticable sideaffects being tired all the time. Maybe not a chemical imbalence after all.. maybe I'm just stuck with this life.. constantly depressed, self-contious.. etc.
---
The other day it struck me that it wasn't exacty normal.. That when a teacher calls your name in class that you instantly freeze up and go all cold (often looking stupid in front of the class, because the teacher was asking a simple question). Also as of recent as I started driving,.. taking complicated drives downtown would cause my mouth to go dry, and I'd have to start breathing slower to calm my self down.. Stuff people said would affect me for a whole day, say if somebody was making fun of me .. or got a bad mark in class.
At the same time somebody online was telling me they also had no luck with Welbutrin and Prozac and that I should try Effexor XR.. After I researched this the other day, I found that it as well as being an anti-depressant.. it was also a anti-anxiety drug. Yesterday I went to see my doctor about the fact that previous anti-depressants did nothing, and I was getting more and more depressed every day.. (After being graduated from highschool now, and having no job ... and soso marks,.. nothing that would get me into university).. Anyways, I asked him about Effexor XR, and he thought it would be a good idea..
He gave me 3 starter samples yesterday, and I can tell you now -- this is the best I've felt in years. No anxiety, happy --even though after I came home my parents are fighting... Loud noises which use to drive me down to the nerve didnt bother me.. When the phone rang I didn't cring as hoping it wasn't for me.. (As of recently {before Effexor XR} I've been rather reclusive with my friends.. not wanting to go out.. Being to self-contious to go out of my shell..
I went out with them yesterday and had a great time, .. not telling them was changed about me.. but they certainly noticed a difference in my attitude.
--
I feel I can take on the world now,. I applied at a local highschool upgrading college and I plan to take on University again. Classes start February,. and I'm excited!!
[This message has been edited by moderator2 (edited 01-07-2003).]