Hi everyone. I just started reading this message board. You all seem very nice, and it's reassuring to hear that others are going through the same things I'm going through. I've tried visiting message boards these past two days, and I think it could help me. I don't know why I created this topic; I guess I just felt like talking to some of you because I'm going through a really hard time in my life. I feel like giving up.

I'm a fifteen-year-old male, and I've been extremely depressed for about a year. Before I became depressed, life wasn't perfect, but it wasn't too bad either -- I had plenty of friends, played sports, and got very good grades. Now, I'm too depressed to even go to school. I stopped attending about 11 months ago -- a decision I regret. I haven't done any work for the ninth grade, and if I don't start doing some at home soon, I'm going to get into some serious trouble. I'm also incredibly lonely. I haven't seen anyone my own age in four months. I stay up all night and sleep nearly all day. I read and write and watch TV. I'm actually writing a novel right now . . . which shows you how much free time I have, I guess. I rarely ever leave my room, and I swear I'm going crazy in here. I see a psychologist and take medication, but none of that helps at all. I just want to give up. Sometimes I think about suicide. No one understands my depression. They all just think I'm too lazy to go to school. No one in my life understands what I'm feeling -- certainly not my family, and I don't have any friends anymore. I don't know what to do. I daydream about all sorts of things during the day. I want to leave here, but I know I can't run away. I feel trapped. This past year has been almost surreal. I can't believe this is all happenning. I feel paralyzed. A year and a half ago, I didn't know it was possible to feel as badly as I do. I'm not the same person I used to be. I can't function anymore. I often can't get out of bed.

This isolation has made me start to hate the whole world. No one is ever even willing to sympathize. They only look at my life externally. They see a kid whose parents are both kind and financially well-off, a kid who can relax all day and do what he wants. Their superficial view to life is bothersome. They couldn't possibly imagine how horribly I feel. I don't know what to do. Something needs to change, but it seems NOTHING will. That is why I want to give up and go to sleep for the rest of my life.

If only I could do that.

This message has been stupid, pointless, and rambling, so I apologize. Thank you for reading.

[This message has been edited by Zosima (edited 01-07-2003).]

Hi! I new to this board too and actually this is my first post/response. I am 25 and was in a situation similar to yours at your age(actually I am sliding back into that situation at present). I found moving slowly back into a school situation to be best. Where I live we have correspondance schools that you do go to school but do work individually. I was extremely nervous to go back to school and didn't want to face people especially after falling behind. Correspondace was a way that I could get of my but and do something without jumping straight back in. Also if you are not ready to go to school a part time job might be helpful. My last bit of advice is be really honest with your doctors and if they are not helping get new doctors. Not every doctor is right for every person!!! And PLEASE don't do anything permanent to yourself!! Death is really hard to take back!! Leah M

Zosima,
First off, Welcome to the boards http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wave.gif
You too Pinkcat http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wave.gif

Okay...I'm glad you have found the message board and have decided to post. What you wrote is not pointless, rambling, wasting space or anything to those effects. And there is definately NO need to apologize for anything..you've done nothing wrong!!!

I'm sorry that things are so difficult for you right now. You said that you see a psychologist and are on medications. What meds are you on and how long have you been taking them?? They may not be the right ones for you. You might have to do a med change, as much as that sucks, but it might be what you need. Is there anyone you can talk to, other than your psychologist?? I know you said that you don't go to school anymore(or often) and your family/friends don't understand....what about seeing the school counselor? What about trying toll free crisis hotlines? If you want numbers, I can totally give you some.

"Get over it"; "Snap out of it"; "You're just a lazy ass"; "Get off your butt and do something!" HA! If only it were that easy, huh?! You just wanna tell people to step in your shoes for just one day and see how it feels; see how you barely get through each day. You almost wanna smack them in the face and say HEY!! Listen up!! I need help! But unforunately, it doesn't work that way the majority of the time!

If you get anything out of this post, let it be this. Do not give up. You're only 15 and you've got a full life ahead of you, even though it seems grim and bleek. You WILL get through this... I promise. I know that suicide seems like the easiest and only way to get out of this h*llish life but it's not. You are a strong person, even if you don't think you are. If you were, you would have given up a long time ago. But you've stuck in there and I think you really do want to live and want to be happy. Am I right? I sure hope so cuz that's what you deserve.

We are ALL here for you no matter what, through thick and thin. Please post back and let us know how you're doing. We care!! Hang in there buddy.

Lilmissme http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif

Hey. I appreciate the responses, pinkcat and lilmissme.

But still, it just feels so hopeless. I've visited two psychologists and two psychiatrists, and I've tried many medications: paxil, prozac, welbutrin, and I think one or two others. I believe the one I'm taking right now is called Lexapro. But none of this has worked. None of the medications have made the slightest difference, and the psychologists and psychiatrists have done nothing but annoy me. Have any of you experienced anything similar to this? It seems medication works for everyone but me. Has anyone here also tried medication after medication without one working? If so, what did you do? Did one ever eventually work?

I just feel so awful. I can hardly eat. My life has fallen apart. I can't function. I can't do any work. I can't leave this depressing, messy room.

Zosima,

I know it still feels hopeless...that feeling isn't going to go away right away, unfortunately, but you still can not give up.

There are a lot of people who have tried med after med after med and none of them have worked. Some people are just like that. You are not the only one though; hopefully someone will come along and reply to that aspect of your second post.

Tell me this: Do you want to be happy? I mean deep down inside, do you want to be happy? Do you want to live?

Lilmissme http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif

Originally posted by lilmissme:

Tell me this: Do you want to be happy? I mean deep down inside, do you want to be happy? Do you want to live?



I don't know. I'm not sure if I want to be happy. It's complicated and hard to explain. Sometimes I worry that if I become happy, I'll become boring and stupid like all the other people in my life. But if I didn't want to get better, why would I post here? On the other hand, I wouldn't take medication or see a psychologist if my parents didn't force me to do all that. I'm not sure if I want to be happy.

I am fairly certain that I want to live, though. I actually want to become a writer. I'm not any good now, but I think I could improve. I really think I want to live.

[This message has been edited by Zosima (edited 01-07-2003).]

Hey man, just reading your post makes me laugh because we are so much alike. Especially when it comes to whether or not we want to get better and ending up "stupid and boring" like everyone else. I feel that way everyday; I look at the people around me and almost feel "superior" to them because I see the world for what it is and they are all so caught up in their quest for popularity and good grades and just overall happiness that they fail to see it. But it the end, they are the ones that have a good time in life while I am miserable. Yet at the same time I don't ever want to become them, their ignorance about life in general is just pathetic; it's like they are blind to everything outside their little middle-class neighborhood.

Anyway....good luck I guess...that's really such a weak statement but I don't know what else to say. I too think about suicide but I would never do it, I am too afraid of dying, and I guess I still have some hope for the future. I hope you do too, it definitely helps. Just imagine yourself in 5 years, living it up in some warm city with a house by the beach, a wonderful wife and awesome job....haha, well you get the picture. It can happen so just don't give up and maybe one day that will be us....

Originally posted by Scooterman:
I look at the people around me and almost feel "superior" to them because I see the world for what it is and they are all so caught up in their quest for popularity and good grades and just overall happiness that they fail to see it. But it the end, they are the ones that have a good time in life while I am miserable. Yet at the same time I don't ever want to become them, their ignorance about life in general is just pathetic; it's like they are blind to everything outside their little middle-class neighborhood.

Yeah, you put that quite well, and I feel exactly the same way. It really is nice to see that someone else feels that way too.

And good luck to you as well.

[This message has been edited by Zosima (edited 01-08-2003).]

How are you doing today Zosima??

Lilmissme http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif

Hey, I can relate to you guys. I never go anywhere or do anything. I have -een living like this for most of the last five years, and for the last one year straight.

I am jo-less, and my dad pays my rent. Through various means, tax refund, then an insurance settlement for my -linds falling on my computer, then a small -usiness i started recently selling video games really cheap (first thing ive done in a year) i have money for food and essentials.

i was an alkie for seven years. im 4.5 months so-er. not drinking is really hard, i want to right now as a matter of fact.

i am -asically hiding from life and the world. i covered my -edroom windows with -edsheets to keep the sun out and so i can sleep during the day. these past few days i was out and a-out during the day driving all over the city procuring video games to sell, and it was just the weirdest feeling. i felt like an alien visiting another planet. i feel so much more comforta-le at night, whether in my apt or cruising around town.

i too have no friends left, and hardly speak to family. the only real routine i have is to watch the simpsons and the friends show daily, and waste tons of time on the internet. oh and also every few weeks i will pick up a video game and play the hell out of it for ten days or so.

i don't really know what to tell you guys.it's tough when we just want to -e left alone in our shells and they won't leave us alone. right now, i feel lucky, cuz i can just lie in -ed with a -lank mind feeling down and sorry for myself and no one can stop me. compared to the last five years, well the four -efore the last year, it was so much worse.

delivering pizza, customer service, and phone sale jo-s, living in a very expensive shoe-ox, addicted to -eer, sometimes smoking, sometimes getting high for a coupla months straight, never having money, full of anger and resentment, self-pity and no self-esteem.

a lot of this is still a pro-lem, -ut -y not drinking for the last four months, i have made progress. i have more peace of mind, and discipline. have lost weight and saved money. am a nicer person, and slower to anger. i have a long way to go though. have not the slightest desire for a jo- or normal life. in fact, i think life is a pile of dung.

anyway, i am not really qualified or in a position to -e posting any sort of remedy for the topic starter or others here; in fact i am pro-a-ly making it worse so i will shut up now.

one more thing: feeling superior as you said, stems from seeing life as it really is: pretty pointless. however, all these vacuous superficial airheads actually have a good approach, they limit their thought and awareness and are a lot happier cuz of it. another thing i have done in addition to so-riety is try to narrow my horizons instead of the opposite. i find the less i think, the happier i am.

every single person on this -oard has much to -e thankful for. if you posted here, that means you have a computer or at least access to one. it also means you have a home or access to a sheltered area, since there aren't too many phone jacks, or ca-le modem connections on the street. you are alive so o-viously you were a-le to eat recently.

these simple, simple things are so taken for granted. there are millions of people at this very moment in the world, who would kill for any one of these things, and who feel that to have all three is like hitting the jackpot.

Depression really sucks, especially when no one else understands you and how you feel. i personally think the first task is to stay in -ed and really o-jectively analyze everything and create the life you want, to the extent possi-le, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

for the last nine months, my dad has paid my rent, -ut -efore i was responsi-le for all my expenses, and was quite misera-le. i know a lot of people know that he pays it now and for the last 9 months, and look down on me for that, -ut i am using this time to figure out what kind of life i really want, regardless of others perception. and if that life is to work a dead-end third-shift jo- while smoking weed all the time, then that's what it's going to -e until i see fit to change it. i am clean and so-er last four months so i don't think that will happen, -ut point is, remove the -oundaries of thought that have you pigeonholed into a certain narrow plane of existence, while at the same time not allowing your mind to roam so much that you are incapacitated. it's a pretty fine -alance, and hard to pull off. start out small, and go from there. pizza delivery is one good way to get on your feet. it's a few hrs a day only and if you live in a sleazy motel as i did for a few years you can meet your expenses, get out and a-out, eat for free, and really think what you want to do.

right now, for that reason, to live in a normal apt and not have to -e in some dead end jo-, is like heaven, -est of all worlds. -ut i know my time in paradise is a-out up.

Well Zosima, you seem to have what it takes to be a writer, and you have a goal which is to write which tells me that you do want to live. Many writers are not social butterflies. They observe the life that goes on around them. Most are highly intelligent and deep thinkers who view the world in their own way, which may seem slightly skewed to some but not everybody. Keep going with your studies and maybe someday we'll see your name in print! In the meantime try to find a therapist who will help you. Imagine a life without writers, how boring it would be, how limited our thinking and society at large would be.
Good luck to you and work hard towards you goal! All the best Leah http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/round.gif

[This message has been edited by mistyeyed (edited 01-08-2003).]

Thanks for asking, lilmissme. I suppose I'm okay. I still feel a little depressed like always, but I'm not feeling so horrible at this moment. I even went out last night briefly. How are you?

And thank you for the encouraging words, mistyeyed. I am thinking about switching therapists. Maybe I'll talk with my parents about that. But this guy I'm seeing really doesn't seem that bad; I just think that no therapist could help me -- no matter how skilled he is.

And I enjoyed reading your posts too, RajPatel. Thanks for responding. Again, it's nice to hear from someone who can relate.

[This message has been edited by Zosima (edited 01-08-2003).]

Originally posted by Zosima:
Thanks for asking, lilmissme. I suppose I'm okay. I still feel a little depressed like always, but I'm not feeling so horrible at this moment. I even went out last night briefly. How are you?

That's fabulous that you went out for a little bit last night!! Yay! I'm doing alright, thank YOU for asking! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Lilmissme http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif



[This message has been edited by lilmissme (edited 01-08-2003).]