I am always so depressed that i have kind of forgotten what it feels like to be happy so i cant act like that. my friends are constantly berating me for being in a bad mood and not acting cheery so as to avoid bringing others down. they dont realize that i do. i try so hard. but i dont want to go telling them why im like that and i feel bad that i bring them down. today i sunk so low that i literally had to take a pin and run it down my arm pretty hard to snap myself awake. it worked. i know id never kill myself in a million years but i want to none the less. and i think about it a lot more. "well i could just die" is becoming the answer to eveyrthing and my friends think im kidding. their comments and complaining is just making me feel even worse at a time when i need their support. i told one friend but she has forgotten about it. how do you forget that your friend once told you she wished she was dead? i dont know what to do. please give me advice or share any experiences. i really need to not be alone here.

Maybe your friend acts like she has forgot you told her that cause she just doesn't want to accept the fact that you feel this way and it bothers her to see you this way......But you have to understand that it's not your fault and you can't feel bad for something that is not within your control. Don't feel bad and I would just set your friends down and tell them exactly how you feel,tell them everything,you need someone you can be yourself around and someone to help you through this. Don't put yourself down for not being able to be happy cause this is an illness and in time you will be able to be happy again but let someone in to help you,just to talk with and being able to get it all out and letting them know certain things they do like trying to cheer you up makes you feel worse. Do they understand depression? I hope you are ok and feeling better....take care http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

What you've described is so much more common than you know with those who are depressed, believe me. You have nothing to feel guilty about. I know it's not fair but, for some reason, being depressed seems to scare away people who can't relate to how you are feeling. You're not alone, don't worry! It's easy to assume that your friends behave the way they do because they're not concerned. It's more likely they feel uncomfortable and don't know just how to react. I wouldn't feel any pressure to keep putting on any kind of "act". There's too much "acting" going on among people as it is. These days, I swear it's as if there is some unwritten rule against showing any genuine feelings with others. This kind of mentality makes those of us who are sensitive feel like something is wrong with us. Anyway, I would try not to be so concerned with what others think of you and value more what YOU think of you.

Did the pin leave a permanent mark?
Did it draw blood?
If so get professional help.

As for the friends I agree with the others.

I hope you feel better soon.

I am in completely the same situation as you and I know how much it hurts. My friends all know that I suffer from depression and also have an eating disorder and have felt this way for ten years. Yet, over the Christmas period when I was out, I got upset and was told by my "friends" that I ruined their night and did most of the time... and that if I didn't cheer up, I would lose their friendship. This completely broke my heart, if you can't rely on your friends then who can you rely on.

Others may be right, they may not understand how we feel and how hard it is to just be happy.. I do try but sometimes the mask falls off and the tears flow..

The only advice I can offer, which I am trying to follow myself is that these people may not be true friends. If we have cancer so another disease, they would not treat us like this, but because we have a mental illness, we are looked upon differently. We have to try and believe in ourselves...we are good people and we deserve support from our friends..

Take care and stay strong..
xxxx

[This message has been edited by Annie11037 (edited 01-10-2003).]

My friends (most of them at least) pretend that nothing is wrong with me. They all know about my depression and even about suicide attempts and self-injury, but they basically ignore it. Even when I've been in the hospital, they act like nothing ever happened. I think for the most part they are uncomfortable with the situation and don't want to talk or think about it. One of my friends actually said she didn't want me to tell her when I was depressed or talk about it because she didn't want to think about me like that or to think it was possible that I hurt myself. She said she loved me too much for that, but in my opinion if you love someone you will listen to whatever they need to talk about and to pay attention to them acting depressed.
just my opinion.

I felt this way all the time between the ages of 16-20. I'm 21 now and I've not really had to many friends in recent years since I've been so busy with working two jobs and going to school. I was told by a couple of people to go to the doctors to have myself checked out because the way I was acting was scaring them (I was a happy go lucky type of person and then I was like just their) but I was always to scared that they may find something else wrong with me. I think my main problem with my assitance of myself because I always considered myself as having low self-esteem. For the most part I'm feeling better a lot more now than I did before but I think that has a lot to do with my G/F.