Hi there. I'm new hear, and I need some help, or love, or something. I have been going through some moods lately, and the bad cycles are becoming more frequent. And let me apologize in advance if this message seems to stray at times.
2x in the past week, I have felt absolute worthlessness/depression, etc. I have wanted to run my car off the road so I would have to go into the hospital for a while, to escape everything. If I happen to die in the meanwhile, oh well. As you can read, I have kept the car on the road. I basically want to run away from the life I have built and start all over. REALLY BAD. I am having troubles in finding the good things in my life right now. I want to run from the horrible debt I have created, I want to run from the job I don't like, from a marriage that isn't great in which I blame myself for tearing down, a body that is FAR from perfect, in a word- EVERYTHING.
the first episode was on new years eve day - I went home for lunch, and I just lost it. I was angry, sad, frustrated, etc. No reason really. Just because the phones were ringing at work, and I had to answer them... that's my job!!! I was pissed because I had to do my job. I stayed home and didn't go back to work. Thursday, I was better. Then, last night, I was just down. I called my husband on the phone, while he was at work, and I just was feeling so lonely. Then it all just came pouring out. I feel as though I have no friends, my family doesn't care for me, I have no future, nothing worthwhile.
Now, 2x in one week might sound like nothing. Basically, in the past 6 months, I haven't been very happy. I moved from a place that I THOUGHT I didn't like, but now that I am back in my home-state, I hate it hear. There's a lot of outside factors influancing the way I am feeling - ie-no money, working all the time, lost of some friendships, job I don't care for... the list could go on. But I thought I used to be happier.

I know that i have some level of depression, but I don't know if that's all it is, or is there some bi-polar in there, or other things. In the 3+ years I have been married, my husband and I know there have been several times that I have wanted, and probably really needed, to go to a shrink, but never have for one reason or another. (I went to a counselor for about 9 months in college and it really helped then... just haven't been to anyone since.)

I know this all sounds jumbled and weird. I just don't want to make this a marathon message by explaining everything in detail.

I guess I might be asking for someone to talk to me and maybe through your experience, help me get through all this stuff, commonly known as my life.

I will explain things, if needed. please don't be afraid to ask me questions.

thanks for reading my stuff.
BG

I wanted to add a few more things... as for seeing a Dr soon - I saw a Dr a couple months ago. he put me on Celexa. I took it for about 2 weeks, and didn't like it. It made my stomach upset and me dizzy, etc. So I stopped it. I couldn't go back to the Dr cuz of insurance problems. I am willing to go to a Dr again, but I won't have insurance for another 2-3 months. Sometimes I REALLY wonder if I can make it that long. I feel that I will do something totally insane before that time when I can get help.

I think that's all I wanted to add - for now.

BG

Hi and Welcome http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wave.gif

The first thing I wanted to talk about was the medication you were on for two weeks...you said you didn't like it,normally the side effects of medication will make you have the things you said but it takes longer than two weeks usually for the medication to get into your system and really start helping you. And the side effects usually go away in due time or maybe you just need another medicine that better fits you.

Why do you blame yourself for things? Like as your marriage? I would go to the doctor as soon as I could and if you can't wait till your insurance starts then is there some clinic you could go to where you wouldn't have to pay very much? Sounds like you deffently have something there that needs checked out whether it's depression or not, I think you need to see what a doctor thinks and I also think you should resume couseling since it helped in the past. Its always good to be able to talk about things and get them out on a regular bases and have someone there who can give you opinions on how to make things better.

I am not able to work now because of all this crap I have....depression,anxiety...which along with these comes derealization,depersonalization and agoraphobia http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/dizzy.gif but I applaud you for working and sticking it out even though it's hard most of the time.....Life can surely make you feel this way and it can take a toll on your nerves and since you have been feeling this way for 6 months it's time to get some help even if it's just to talk with someone,like your doing now http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif I hope you are ok and if you feel like doing something insane please tell someone that will be able to help you,You are not alone in anyway,we will be here for you and help as much as we can and I hope you will feel better soon.


Depression is like nothing I have ever felt,yeah I have been sad before and lonely but this is soooo different......it's like a lonelyness and sadness you can't even describe...it's so awful. I don't know why things like this even have to exist.

Hello and Welcome to the Boards,

These boards have helped me a lot when I'm feeling sad or depressed.

I feel for you I really do. I was as depressed/low as you are and still am. I've had money problems, job that I hate, and lonely no friends.

I am currently in therapy and taking meds. My email is ravekane@yahoo.com I would love to talk to you if you would like to write me more.

I'm sure that we have a lot in common. Look forward to hearing from you.

Marci

Marci and WV girl, thanks for reading and taking the time to reply. It means a lot to me. I wish I knew what all is wrong with me. I also wish I could remember it all! At times there seems to be so much wrong, I lose track.
I guess what upsets me the most about all this is that when I was a teenager, I was a pretty happy person. College - not too bad. A few battles, basically because my parents were divorcing and a few other factors related to my parents. I guess, as I have grown older, I have increasingly become more and more angry, depressed, easily frustrated, etc. By theway, I'm 26. My 20s are supposed to be the best time of my life, and I seem to always be fighting bouts of depression, etc.
And one thing that bothers me more than almost anything else is that my brains seems to be going... I used to be a smart and an articulate woman. Now, I feel totally retarded. I don't know if it's because I don't have things in my life challenging my mind anymore, like in school. If i'm not around people that challenge me anymore, or if this depression has a lot to do with it. That aspect of myself REALLY bothers me now. As a matter of fact, I have mad so many typos just writing this. So, if you see some I did not catch... please understand it's my retardedness coming through yet again.

I wasn't too bad yesterday. I just never know when my "spells" are going to come and attack me. My husband is worried, rightfully so. I'm worried. No one else really knows, or just isn't that concerned. It bothers me that I don't know what is life and what is my depression/?? that makes me upset. When I get upset- is it a naturaly reaction and nothing to worry about? Or am i overreacting to something and it's the depression that causes it? I am sure other people reading this can relate.
I know part of me writing this is just wanting some attention, or to hear from other people with similar problems - to make me feel more normal. But I really appreciate the people here who help each other out. I hope that I can help others at some point.

later - BG

I wish you the best of luck. You are very young to be feeling this way. It sounds like your husband loves you and thats a good thing.
I hope everything works out for you. My dr just prescribed Lexapro for me. (An anxiety medication), I havent started it yet . I know I get very down in the dumps and lonely. sometimes it just feels like you are all by yourself but remember that you are not. Although sometimes its easier when we are.
take care and I will say a prayer for you. Try to cheer up and think of the things in your life that are good. Not many people like their job, I would quit tomorrow except for the money. atleast you can work and there are those that cant . That must be an even lonier life.
Hang in there !!!! feel better about yourself..