I need to vent.

I have been on vacation since Christmas, and I don't go back to work until Wednesday. I've been pushing thoughts of work out of my head as best I can, but it's getting harder and harder the closer Wednesday gets. I think work is my biggest trigger for anxiety/depression because everything I say/do I think I'm being judged on. I'm a secretary but I also supervise 4 other clerical staff, and I absolutely hate it. I am so sick and tired of their complaining about every tiny little thing. It's like they think I should be able to solve all their problems. And I have one person who can't go to the bathroom without calling me first and she annoys me so much. She has absolutely no initiative whatsoever.

For example, say you work in a large organization with it's own IT department. If your computer doesn't work you would call them right? No, this woman calls me first and I have to tell her to call IT. She's in her 40's for goodness sakes!

Besides the supervising part I have my own job to do, but I find it extremely difficult doing both of them. I feel like I'm being pulled in 100 different directions. Sometimes I think I want to change jobs, but I've hated every job I've ever had, so it's probably my personality that's making me feel like this. So even if I did, I'd probably end up hating it anyway. I'm always so stressed out. Just when I think I'm starting to feel better with my depression/anxiety something will happen at work to make me feel worse again. I must be doing a good acting job because no one has ever said anything to me about having a bad attitude and my last evaluation was very good. But the last six months have been extremely stressful with a very heavy additional workload because of some extra projects, and I feel my work has really suffered, but has it really? I always feel that my work suffers, but no one ever comes to me to say what is going on with you so I can't be sure. But still every minute of every day I'm there I'm waiting for the bomb to drop. I'm so sure that someone is going to come to me and say I did something wrong or I haven't been performing up to their expectations.

I'm so tired of trying to please people all of the time. When I'm at work there's always somebody who wants something from me. I wish they would just leave me alone. I wish I could just tell them all to go to **** and walk out of there.

I'm crying as I write this. I really don't want to go back there. I am dreading it so much. Sometimes I wish I never had to leave this apartment unless I really wanted to.

I know I'm being a crybaby. I shouldn't complain because I can work right? Because I function right?

Canuck Lady,

{*{*{*{HUG}*}*}*}

You're not complaining at all. You're venting and we sooo need to do that sometimes. Why keep it all inside? That just makes things even more difficult.

I'm sorry that you're dreading work and having to go back there. By the sounds of it, it does sound like some of these other employees are being quite annoying and you're almost ready to smack them, eh?! Have you talked to your boss about this?? Perhaps he/she could have a little meeting with everyone and get things straight.

In the meantime, keep your chin up girl. You'll get through this. And you are far from being a crybaby! No such thing! Crying is good for you... it's healthy.. it let's out the built up emotions that are inside. So it's totally okay to cry. Hang in there hun. Take care.

Lilmissme http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif
(*(*(*(*(another big hug)*)*)*)*)

I am in the same boat as you so I know exactly how you feel. I also hate my job and to be honest have never really found one that I enjoyed. I think maybe that because life itself is a burden and the fact that we are not happy within ourselves makes it even harder to enjoy working somewhere. Nobody at work knows what some of us are going through and how the littlest things can can trigger something in us where we just want to cry or like you said walk out the door (been there many times). Maybe you should start thinking about what type of environment you would be happier in and start writing down all the things you like and dislike in a job. I'm trying to do that now because I can't go through this anymore. At least it will make you feel better once you start to notice what really makes you feel good about a job; maybe this will help in finding something better (once you know what different field you'd be interested in). I know it's hard and people can drive you mad but hang in there and whatever you do, keep smiling, bite your tongue when you have to, and never let them get to you no matter how bad it gets. Go for a walk to blow off steam. Easier said then done I know but remember you can control how these people make you feel so don't let them get to you. Hope things get better.

Toronto girl

Thanks for your support.

Lilmissme, the person at work I'm talking about is not a bad person. She's good at her job but she has no initiative. There are a couple of people like that. I've recently tried to steer them toward things instead of trying to solve all their problems, but old habits die hard. It's difficult too because I work in a large hospital where we are unionized, and some people see their job description and follow it by the letter. Sometimes if something needs to be done you can't just tell them it needs to be done. You have to explain to them step by step and it's frustrating.

Sweet & sour, I've been to a career counsellor twice over the past five years, and everything points to me being in some sort of administrative function, but I don't recall supervising every coming up. I was pressured into applying for this job about a year and a half ago by the person who used to be in the position (and who was my supervisor) when she decided to leave and decided I was the right person to take her place. I didn't want it because I knew that it would be a very stressful position, but I did because it was the next logical step for someone in my line of work and the money was a bit better. I hate it. I don't want to be a supervisor. I don't want to be the person everyone comes to for answers. There's too much pressure.

I am so sick and tired of trying to please everyone. I feel like such a hypocrite because I alway tell everyone else that you shouldn't worry about what other people think of you, yet I can't take my own advice. I'm just tired of it all.

This vacation was supposed to be a break for me, a chance to clear my head and go back and make a new beginning. I was feeling pretty positive about things until recently, but now I feel sure that I'll go back to work and nothing will change. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/tired.gif


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Canuck_Lady

Hi there. It's late, so this will be short, but I wanted to reply. Since you were pressured into the supervision position, and don't want to stay in supervision - can you ask to return to a non-supervisory position? I've known several people in my organization who moved into supervision, later decided it wasn't for them, and they requested a demotion back into a non-supervisory job. It's not worth being miserable. I'm in supervision too and I hate it at times also - though I'm coping ok for the moment. If you're not in counseling, I would strongly suggest that you get in regular counseling FIRST before making any job change - just in case you can work through some of the things that make you dislike your job. I can relate to alot of what you said and I know that part of my problem has been ME - and being too hard on myself, expecting way too much from myself, etc. I expect perfection... No one else does. Counseling has really helped me work through some of that - and it does make it easier to deal with my job. Good luck. When you go back, just remember to take one thing at a time, do what you can, and then go home and let yourself relax and forget it until the next day. You'll probably have a lot of catch up to deal with: don't try to get it all caught up in one day. Don't hesitate to ask your staff to continue to function as if you're not there while you read email, etc. to see what are your most urgent priorities.

Good luck. Melody.

Hi Melody,

Just so you know, when my supervisor left the job she took a leave of absence so that she could change her mind if she didn't like where she was going. So I took a leave of absence, and the girl who took my former job had it as a term. It was kind of a domino effect. Once the year was up and my former supervisor definitely wasn't coming back we both had to apply for our jobs again (union rules). I could have said I wanted my old job back, but I couldn't do it to her. She had been in the job for over a year, and it was hers. I'm not the kind of person who could do that to someone. I'd rather leave the division.

I have been in counselling on and off, through work. The number of sessions is limited, but when the year is up and I'm eligible again, it always seemed the counsellor has moved on and I have to find someone new. For long term I would have to pay for it myself and I just don't have that kind of money. I'm thinking of going back to the work counsellors and seeing if they can recommend someone outside, even if I can only afford to see them every 2 or 3 months.

I do want to point out that I used to be much worse, but I'm impatient. My good periods don't seem to last long enough. When I have a good period I'm positive thinking life isn't so bad, but then I'll have a bad period (like I'm having now) and I'll feel that the good period wasn't real and really I'm not feeling any better. Does this make any sense at all?

http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/confused.gif



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Canuck_Lady

Canuck-LAdy -
I really can't comment on the work situation, but the last thing you said -it hits home. The good times are far and few between, as well as way too short. The bad times might not be HORRIBLE, but bad enough that you notice it and notice you haven't been happy for a while. I don't know how to correct those feelings - other than going through each day and hoping that when you wake in the morning, you will be a bit better.

When I took a vacation back in October, I was so looking forward to it - away from work and everything. When I came back, everything was exactly how I left it. I wanted to be refreshed and a live again, but I wasn't. That made me more upset. I guess all I can usggest is to keep working hard as you have been, and keep looking for the weekends! Enjoy the time off and try not to bring work home with you - literally or emotionally.

Good luck when you go back. Keep yourself going! you can do it! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/clown.gif

Hi Canuck_lady,

I noticed you mentioned you worked for a large hospital and I am looking into applying for an admin job in one. Do you have any advice? I understand that your position is driving you crazy but where you a lot happier when you weren't in a supervisory position? Any information would be greatly appreciated. Thanks and take care.

Toronto girl

I was a little happier in my old position, but not a lot.

Getting into a hospital can be difficult because they tend to hire from within if it's union. I got on by getting a temporary position first.

Hope this helps.

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Canuck_Lady

Hi CL

I just saw your post & really wished I had been on the board earlier. It's that time of the year - uuuuugggghhhh year end...stressville.

But anyway, what I wanted to tell you that when I read your post I freaked. If I didn't know better I would have thought that I had written it.

So here's my story & some points of suggestions.

When I 1st began counseling & was diagonised (sp) with depression I was convinenced that my job was the factor causing my depression. Now that I'm soooooo much better, have made changes in my work environment & have worked on other areas of my life I realize that the job was only 40% of the problem. Just one thought you might think about.

Something else you could do, especially with your irratibility with lazy, no initive employees is try some motiviation techniques with your employees. Praise them when they do a good job, make them want your praise & reward them frequently. Make it challenging for them & try to make your department a team effort. If an employee (8 X out of 10) feels like they are a contributing factor they will tend to go above the normal & take pride in their work. Granted this doesn't always occur. In my situation it didn't they were just plain ole lazy & were there for the paycheck.......that's were speaking with the boss to lighten your load or gaining their support come's into play. Another suggestion is attend one or two of those seminars out there in dealing with difficult employees or difficult people. Some of these seminars are geared to supervisors but others are not. I could suggest a couple if your interested.

One last thought, delegate....delegate & double delegate, hey if it's not perfect or returned like how you would have done it, it's at least 90% done & you could make the few necessary corrections & not worry about another project you don't have time to handle.

In short, it's all in changing your perception. Yes, I did it too. I placed WAY TOO MUCH responsibility on myself when in reality my bosses didn't expect me to carry the entire load and no normal person would be able to do what I was trying to do in a 10 hour day. Plus you do need time for yourself to play. Leave work at work & enjoy your time at home.

Yes, it is difficult, but in time can be done & I will try to help as much as possible. Just hollar & I'll be here if you want it. Cat

Hi again. It always seems to be late by the time I get on here. I will be thinking about you as you return to work tomorrow. I hope it will be much less difficult than you are anticipating. Usually it works out that way for me. And if you go in with as positive an attitude as possible, that will help.

As far as the counseling goes, I'd take advantage of the free through work even if it's limited - and also look into the outside possibilities like you said - but those people move on too. I have followed the same counselor to her new locations just to avoid having to start over. But like you said, even if you can only go once/month, it might still be helpful. I don't know what your thoughts on religion are, but pastors can also be a great help. Some are quite skilled at counseling. In the mean time, I would try journaling if you're not already doing that. And possibly getting a few books on cognitive behavioral therapy and read about talking yourself through some of the irrational expectations, etc. If you're having some good periods, and it's not all the deep pit, then you can probably make some good progress on your own and/or with the help of a friend, family member, pastor, etc. Counseling has been ideal for me, but I know it's not always feasible financially.

I know what you mean about the bad periods making you question the good. That's why a journal might help too. You could go back and read how you felt during the good. And you can see how long the good versus the bad last.

I'm 3 weeks completely weaned off of antidepressants after a bunch of years on (probably 5, can't remember for sure). I weaned off because of blood pressure - but I was getting to the point I felt ready to try it anyway. I was really in a bad mood the other day, and I was quick to think "it's coming back"...but then I remembered that everyone has bad days. I am trying to not wig out too soon and hop back on the anti-depressants because I really want to give this a good shot before I go back on. I'm going to push myself to do exercise, eat healthy, read my Bible (a big source of strength to me), journal, etc. I'll probably continue with my counseling for at least 6 more months. I am very fortunate that my medical insurance treats counseling the same as other med. things and I just have to pay a $15 copay. Sorry to talk about myself when I really meant to just support you.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. And I'll try to check in tomorrow night after Bible Study to see how your day went. Cheers, Melody

Hi Canuck Lady,
Just checking to see how your day went. Hope it went ok. I'm praying for you. Melody

Hi Melody,

The last couple of days haven't been so bad. I've been delegating a bit more and I've been able to ignore the negative thoughts (for the most part). Even though one of the girls I supervise just told me she's pregnant.Which is great and I'm happy for her. It does meanthat we will have to find and train a maternity replacement for her, which normally would make me extremely stressed, but I'm handling it ok because I'm trying to take it one day at a time.

Thanks for thinking of me.

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Canuck_Lady

So glad to hear that things were ok on your first couple of days back - and that you're having some success in keeping the negative thoughts at bay. Keep up the good work. Remember that you are human, just like everyone else. Just do what you can and let yourself be happy with your best. Hang in there. Mel