I know most of you have lots more experience in this than I....that is, in dealing with family and friends who want to deny that anything is happening. I know how frustrated it makes me now - when there is very little that anyone else can see besides hubby and I. I can't imagine how furious it will make me when I am dealing with more serious dementia symptoms and people still act like nothing is wrong. And they act acusatory towards me - like I am embarrasing hubby and magnifying the problems. The truth is, that at this point, hubby is scared and looking for support too. He can discuss what is happening now. When it gets to the point that it would upset him, I won't discuss it in front of him. But right now, we'd both like a little understanding from our friends/family about what is happening.

These are some of the comments that have gotten me hot...

"If he is being tested for dementia, then I better be tested too"...I wanted to scream - if you were really experiencing the same types of symptoms you WOULD be being tested too. We wouldn't be spending hundreds of dollars and many many hours of testing if this weren't really serious...

"There's nothing wrong with your memory". Oh yeah, you live with us for the next few months and see...

"I do that all the time"... Yeah, we all have "mental pauses" now and again, but it's not really "all the time" and if it was, we would all be being tested too - or someone living with us would be insisting we be tested...

Why is it so hard for others to just acknowledge and be supportive? Fear that they are next?

Trust me, I hear ya Big Time! When my FIL had another 'spell', I called his Sis to inform her of it. She had heard about his memory problems before and just poo pooed them. She doesn't even live here and is never around him but maybe twice a year, and yet she is the expert all of a sudden???? Anyway, I called her and told her - BIG mistake. She tore into me about him drinking way too much "Coffee". Can you imagine???? His dementia is caused by him drinking too much coffee????!!!! I almost lost it right there. Then she said to let him come and visit her and she would get him a "second opinion". Fine, I thought, let him go and she can see for herself. That was last year. To this day she will still not admit he has a problem with his memory. Some folks had rather ignore it, after all, they don't have to deal with it, WE DO! Until they walk in our shoes they can never comprehend what we are dealing with or talking about, I guess. And like I said in another post, they can act so normal at times that I guess it does fool folks. We know their history and their memories, so we know so much better their memory problems where other folks wouldn't. I guess that's the difference. Anyway, this happens to us all - it's the curse of the disease. Some day I'll post about my Aunt and my cousin but right now I don't want to get my blood pressure up!!! Later, C

Oh I LIKE THIS THREAD!!

Why are they not supportive? Because they don't see the REAL issues. They will never put themselves in that position either. This way they get to sit back, make uninformed judgements and feel superior.

Your right, they will never know unless they walk in your shoes, but they won't do that ........ and most of them won't even if you beg and plead ...

There are some families out there that are great (Martha's Bro for one) and many others, but we only hear the bad bad stories most of the time, because it's us wearing the brunt that need the support and the only place we can find it is HERE!!!

I was going NUTS trying to figure everything out when I found this board, and let me tell you it changed my life. The support, the advice, and the resounding pats on the back for all my small achievements did more to me than anything. The abuse I copped from the family was counterweighed with the love and friendship from here .......

Your family and friends will frustrate you .. and NOW you will learn who your TRUE friends are ........

It's so SAD how this disease snowballs through everybody's lives

Hugs
Sally

I think it's because family and friends think/fear/worry that if they admit there is a diagnosis of Alzheimer's, it will obligate their time, their money, and/or their home if they choose to help :rolleyes: , and will make them feel guilty or ashamed if they choose to be no help at all :cool: . Worst of all, for family it may mean that they might get Alzheimer's, too. :eek:
Simple DENIAL frees them of all those bothersome worries and feelings! :angel:

As Mark Twain wrote, "Denial is not just a river in Egypt!!"

Cheers! Barbara :D

You've hit De Nail right on De Head, Barbara!

Cyt, your FIL's sister sounds just like my sister!! Only in her case it wasn't coffe, but water. Not too much but not enough.

The first time Mom wandered off and couldn't find her way home for 4 hours on the streets of Queens, it was a cool April day. I recounted the whole experience to her, and my sister said ,"Well, it was dehydration! Mom got so hot that she broke into a sweat and lost so much water that she was dehydrated. Everyone gets memory loss when they are dehydrated." Yeah, right - she was on the corner of our street, going by the reconstructed story, and her description of where she finally got tired out and sat down ... but too dehydrated to know that her house was 4 houses down the block?

Later it was no longer water but TV...YOU have the TV on way too much. No wonder Mom is confused. WE don't watch TV, we only read all the newspapers from cover to cover. That is why she is so confused when she's with you but so bright and lucid when she is here (once a year for 2 or 3 weeks.)

Oh it was maddening.

"We all forget things,"
"It's just a senior moment."
"What do you expect at her age?"
"of course she thinks Reagan is president, she is over 90."
"of course she goes out in a summer jacket in the snow, she is over 90."

etc etc

Translation: You are too dumb to take care of her right, and that is the whole reason for the problem. IF only we could have her here, she would be so much happier, but, sadly, we can't have her for more than a week or two because ...(any excuse here will do and has done!)

AAARRRGHGHGHGHGH ...

My opinion:

1. keeping your head in the sand keeps you from having to do anything.

2. Not acknowledging the problem or blaming the caregiver frees you from any residual guilt you may feel for not doing more for the parent yourself.

3. it is way cheaper for you if someone else does it all.

Hang on ... this too shall pass.

love,

Martha

I think your responses are very insightful. And I think I need to quit looking for understanding/support from family/friends for the time being. It seems, from your experiences, that it would be about as useful as "beating my head against a wall". I'll just keep coming here where I know you understand and where the "walls" are all cushioned with lots of soft padding and hugs and no guilt!

OH and wait for the "well if you would just leave them alone they'll be FINE .. it's YOUR fault they're like this"

That's a REALLY good one !!!!

Been there, done that ........ da nail is in da head

:-)

Sally