I am feeling really worthless and suicidal.
This is not the first time in my life I have felt like this but it is going to be the last.
I simply cannot take any more.
Three years ago I gave up everthing to go back to school. I was told that the program I was taking (IT) had a 100% placement rate following graduation.
I gave up my beautiful seaside home to live in the inner core of a city.
I gave up security, and instead spent my days in fear as I picked syringes off my lawn, and dealt with frequent breakins and attacks.
I gave up my health when a series of accidents left me in permanent pain and unable to do most things I used to enjoy.
I gave up my support network and sense of community as I moved far away.
Eventually I even gave up my family when my daughter chose to move across the country to live with her father rather than continue living with my when school was taking 14 hours a day of my attention.
I put my heart into school despite many hardships like the serious accident and inadequate funding with rising tuition rates. I got good marks and won two awards.
Now I have graduated. I am living alone. I have no job.
My student loans ran out three months ago and I am not eligible for any kind of government support like employement insurance or welfare. I can't pay my rent. I haven't paid my bills in months, and I am about to lose my internet, phone and hydro all of which are vital to job hunting, not to mention general safety. I am running out of food and I have several pets that depend on me for their care. My car is old and unsafe and my only source of transportation. I can't afford to move. I can't afford to stay. I can't afford to buy a newspaper!
I spend as much time as I can looking for work. That is becoming less and less every day.
This week I fell and sprained my ankle very badly and am not able to get around without a great deal of comfort and stress.
I have ongoing chronic health problems that take a big chunk out of my already fragile self esteem.
I was raised in a home so dysfunctional and chaotic that I can't even begin to describe it to people and anyone who knows my whole story is so horrified that they can't continue to have contact with me because it is too traumatic for them to just KNOW that such lives exist.
My diet has deteriorated to whatever is left on my shelves which is predominantly white flour and sugar, which I know are catalysts for depression. With my injuries I can't get the exercise or fresh air I know I need. With my financial stress I can't even get out to visit people or connect with people. I can't take anti depressants because in the context of my extreme abuse history I actually decompensate and become violent when I do. Things like St. Jonh's Wort have not work so far.
I am completely isolated and frightened and depressed and utterly utterly hopeless and helpless.
I am definitely suicidal and if I could just figure out how to ensure the animals would be cared for consistently without anyone stopping me before I was dead I would kill myself RIGHT NOW.

Life isnt about what happens to you,its how you react to it

You are going through some very hard time. What I suggest is that you sell your car, find a cheaper place to live, perhaps sell your pets, and most importantly find any kind of job that pays anything so you can continue to live. After re estblishing yourself by working hard to pay your loans, you will be able to find a real job and who knows how is your life going to be then, it is really likely that you will be happy. You have an extremely stressful life, it is not your fault that you are suicidal. But DONT end it all before you give it your best shot, which just means a harder try. Even if you have the lowest self esteem in the world doesn't mean that you are least respected by people around you, some people tend to be a lot more accepting than you and i think. Don't shut off suicidal thoughts, try to wash your face, drink some water, refresh your self esteem by thinking about good things that happened in the past, and then sit down and confront these suicidal thoughts. When i do it i find a great relief by the idea that there are so many people that can benefit so much from my help, i can't commit suicide before helping them. I really feel bad that there are some good people like you whose lives gets so hard for no reason. I hope u find these advices helpful, this was how i could relate your story to mine. Write again and tell me what's happening ok?
best wishes

You have accomplished something very amazing to go back to school and to graduate and do well.
I know about long hours and putting everything into school. I had to do that too. It was not easy for me.

Support is so critical. Can you join a support group for depression?
Can the doctors do anything to help you?

I am very lucky to have a job. Both for the money and because it keeps my mind off my depression.
If you can let your ankle heal, maybe you can find something temporarily to help your situation, while you look for a job that uses your training. Try not to give up hope that eventually you will find a better job.

I know about being so fragile that a twisted ankle or a bad sickness is just more than can be handled.
I have felt this way at times. I usually cry a lot. But eventually I heal back to my fragile state.

You sound like a brave, good person, who needs some help right now.
I wish I could help more, but I will pray that things get better for you.

It is Sunday afternoon. Please post back. I would like to hear from you again.