i know for a fact that i have a major eating disorder but i dont know what to do about it. i have been bulimic and anorexic for over 5 years now and have developed ibs and major digestive problems due to this. it effects my whole life and casues depression and other problems with my self image and whatever. i have told myself that im going to change and all that other **** making promises and pacts and seeing a therpaist didnt really help it kind of mad eit worse cause she threw it all back in my face and told me o wasnt strong and ****. and i had to deal with myself before this would all change. i know i have a major problem but i just dont know what to do about it and the fact that its so secret to everyone is even worse. iam 22 and have been thin since high school and people make it a pont o tell me this ALL THE TIME! and i t only makes it worse feeling like i have to STAY this way make sme fell even worse about it. I think i need help but i dont know who to go to. Anyone have any advice please help.

Hey there
If your therapist said that to you that was extremely irresponsible and unethical of her! I can imagine that this would have discouraged you from seeing anybody else! Was that the only therapist you have seen? I know this may not exactly appear to be the most appealing option..but if you discuss this with your doctor..he could perhaps push you in the right direction to help you get rid of these illnesses. I completely empathize with you... it's just awful that although feel so motivated to do something about it.you feel you can't change..it's really difficult to break the habit. Also, I feel the same- people telling you how thin you are etc etc...it often makes me feel like I dont want to change either!

Sorry i havent given you the most useful suggestions here!
Carolinex

I'm in the same boat with you amethest... I'm going to be 22 soon and this july it will be 3 years that I've been bulimic and I haven't gone for help yet. I was heavier in high school but I was never cared what anyone thought ( I think I was a size 12) until my mom would start saying things to me. She'd talk about my butt getting too big or if I was eating something she'd say oh keep eating how are you going to fit into your clothes? So that when I decided I needed to change to make my mom happy. I've lost a ton of weight (from 12 to size 3) and I was really happy and I wanted to stop and just start a healthy diet of salads and fresh fruit. Yet, it's so hard to stop if I eat something I feel fat right away. When I go out to eat with friends or family I'm thinking the whole time well how am I going to go to the bathroom after dinner how many minutes should I wait before I get up to go. And I see what your saying you don't know how to stop. =(

dear kitten03,
i know exactly what you mean except for me its, how long before i can go to the gym and work it off?, or how long do i have to wait till the next time ill alow myself to eat is? whether its several hours before and gets to the point where i cant stand up becasue im so hungary, or wether it be the next day completely. i have complete control over this and i know that and its addicting. its just a mindset i cant overcome no matter what id do.

amethest,

i'm sorry you're having such a rough time but there's something you said that really hit me: "its just a mindset i cant overcome no matter what id do." THAT IS NOT TRUE. if you believe that, then no, you never will recover. you have to believe that you are stuck in this illness right now, but that you CAN and WILL change. eating disorders are all about control and as a recovering anorexic, i TOTALLY understand and sympathize with what you've said. i know what it's like to feel like it's all under your control, every single moment, and therefore, how could you break free of it? it dictates every action you take and you don't know how you'd exist without it, right? but that's just it. it's under YOUR control! and therefore, it's under YOUR control to change it. and no matter what anyone says, you CAN get better. but you have to believe that, cuz if you don't, no one else will either.

i think the fact that you've come onto these boards and shared how TIRED of this you are is a huge step. it sucks, you know? you don't feel like yourself, you don't feel like you're really living the life you could, and you can never 100% just relax and be you. ed's affect everything, nothing in your life goes unscathed, and i can hear in your post that you're sick of it. like you, i just want the freedom and happiness that comes from beating this beast. i want you to be able to have that too and i really believe you can get there. but you have to believe it too!!

i suggest trying therapy again (with a different therapist, that other one sounds terrible! i'm sorry you had to go through that). a good therapist will be able to help you through the tough issues, and yeah, some of it will come back as "your fault" or whatever, but the therapist, instead of blaming you, will get you to question your ED actions/beliefs/fears. (does that make sense?) basically, once you find a therapist that knows how to work with you and understands your disorder, she will help you through the issues causing your ED. she'll support you and help you be strong and slowly learn to live without an eating disorder. it's scary as he**, but it's SO worth it. i can't imagine living without the control of anorexia cuz i feel like everything would fall apart, but at the same time, i can't WAIT to get rid of it. my therapist understands that and helps me deal with the conflicting feelings, you know?

anyway, PLEASE try another therapist and PLEASE believe that you can beat this and live happily without an ed. you deserve it, girl! let me know what you think.

thank you jonistyle2! you made my day and made me feel so much better. and you are right, the fact that i am making an attempt to fix my problem by going on this site is the first step to recovery. and i enjoy talking to others who completely understand my mindset and place in life and the effect of having an eating disorder and how it takes over all aspects of your life in everyway. i know it is in to me to change and i think this time i really want to. and hopefully with the support of others i can overcome this. thanks again, you have given me the hope i needed to get through the day becasue some days seem impossible to get through without letting it effect me. being able to talk about it anonymously also helps and gives me inspiration to share my experiences in hope of helping others.

i'm so glad my words made you feel better! and i'm always here to talk whenever you need to (especially day times during the week cuz i'm at work and i check back on here a lot!) these boards are SO helpful cuz you can just let it all out and ask all the "stupid" questions, you know? also, i find it's really helpful just to talk to people who feel/act the same way you do and to be able to give them advice and support, even if you can't fully follow the advice yourself. i feel like every little step gets me closer to recovery, you know? anyway, i'm really glad you're feeling a little better and i LOVE that you have such a strong desire to beat this. yeah, a LOT of things are gonna make it really, REALLY difficult, but as long as you keep believing you can and wanting to get better, i know you will. get as much support (therapist, doctor, nutritionist, friends, family) as you can and go after your ED "readily armed," if you know what i mean. the more you can have others fighting with you, the better you'll do. good luck.