now i'm sitting and fighting myself not to do it tonight (it always gets worse in evenings). it's same fight every day and i lose most of the time (i've probably had 2 or 3 "days off" binging/throwing up in the past 2 months). i keep telling myself that it's just gonna be 1 hour of "joy" (eating) and then all the hell will start, i try to think what else can i do instead, today i drank a bit too much hoping that would help. but nothing works. i try to fight but i'm so scared i'm gonna lose again. the only thing that at least lets me fight is knowing that it will take me at least one hour to throw up. it's been a real hell recently cause i can't do it anymore. but that is not the reason i need.

what stops you? what do you do to stop yourself from doing that? i must do something cause it's gone too far. it's on my mind 24 hours: will i or won't. i need to find something to stop me. i'm thinking about telling that to someone but not sure if there's someone i can rely to. i'm totally lost and don't see the light anymore.
any advice will be very appreciated.

oh my goodness my lovely, hang in there..
i'm bulimic too and have managed at most 4 days b/p free in the last i don't know how long.
i totally understand what u mean by saying that u spend all day wondering whether you will or not. i know that for others who are not affected, it may seem silly, but there really is little you can do once you get in that 'zone' where it becomes unbearable. i have tried drink on many occasions, and i have also found that it doesn't work
BUT.. i have found ways of avoiding it.. and i have no idea whether this is gonna help, but maybe phone someone who u can talk to, or randomly go for a walk, arrange something to look forward to later on.. u need to get ureself out of the familiar area of where you always binge.. i really wish i could give you a solution, but i have yet to find it.. all i can do is assure you that it's not just you feeling that hopelessness where there is nothing you can do to stop yourself, and that there are far more people than you think who do understand..
keep on fighting

xx xx Lil xx xx

Keep fighting....
I can't get myself out of the hole...it has been 8 years of "tomorrow will be better" and a week or two clean here or there. My urges are insane but when I have managed to overcome them, it has been just purely from within myself because I live alone and have absolutely no support. I have just done whatever I could to keep busy...but I know that zonked out feeling when you can think of nothing else but doing it. Taking a nap has always helped or just banging the bed or exerting crazy energy with the help of loud music that doesn't let me think. I hate this ED plus the medical complications I am slowing developing. Water logging doesn't help anymore because it develops severe back pain probably from chronic kidney problems...the fear of these problems developing even more is the only thing that can save me at the moment.
I am babbling...sorry, probably not very useful...but the fact that you have sat down and written for help before plunging into food is a big plus!! Good stuff!! I think that keeping in touch with this board is helpful and great for strategies and support. We understand each other and needn't feel shame or keep things a secret for fear that others don't understand...We DO :)
Big hugs!!!Keep strong!!! Don't give up. Every day is a fresh start.

thanks for your replies. it's really good to hear some advice, but i wish it could help... you know what i mean. when it's on your head nothing works cause that's the only thing you think about... however i haven't done that for 4 days now and that's a big achievement for me, however that's because i was working so much that i had no time and was too exhausted to do it. and i feel so much better inside, like a different person. but i know it's still here. it's on my mind most of the time, i just can't fight it.. why is it like that? you see how your life improves when you don't do it but you know you will again, you just can't get out of it...

Just a quick note:

There is always hope to recover, no matter how long you have been bulimic.

I binged and purged up to 3x a day for almost nine years, and I have stopped. I was a hard core, die hard, obsessed bulimic and I stopped.

I truly believe if I can do it, then anyone can, so don't give up!

You just have to get to the point where you really hate, loathe, despise bulimia, hate binging, hate purging, hate the secrets and the lies.

You have to hate your disease, and slowly find something else to replace your bulimia (something positive! not drugs or alcohol!) that you are passionate.

You have to set a real goal and decide "I am not going to throw up for X number of days" and you have to do everything within your power to stict to that goal.

Throw out all binge food. Maybe throw out all food,and only buy enough for each meal. Immerse yourself in something else, like baths, reading, walking, ect.

Try and eat a healthy meal and then GET OUT OF THE HOUSE do you can't purge. It takes time to retrain your mind to be satisified and comfortable with eating normal meals and not binging, but it is possible.

What really stops me from going back to bulimia?? Knowing that I (and any other bulimic) could drop dead from a heart attack or stroke at anytime.

I got sick of being afraid of dying.

thanks a lot for all the advice, it's really inspiring to hear from someone who's recovered cause i haven't seen many stories like that (it's actually the first one) and it keeps me thinking that it is completely impossible to recover.
today is my day 6 and i feel so wonderful inside. today i was thinking about doing it again but then i realized that i didn't want to. like i mentioned in one of my other posts i have problems with my stomach due to my ed and whenever i feel bad it's my main excuse for me to binge and throw up. today was very bad, i had normal lunch and was feeling horrible for the rest of the day. but still didn't do it.
unfortunately throwing food away won't help me cause i never have junk food at home. and i never throw up normal meals. i never throw up because of weight. i always buy food for my binge. i may go miles to get it late at night if shops around are closed.
but still it's here just like any other day... of course i don't expect to recover in 6 days, but it's on my mind all the time. and i know i will do it. the thing that stops me is that i work too much now. i have no time for that. the good feeling inside doesn't work, even though that is what should stop me. fear of heart attack doesn't work either. the other day my blood pressure was tested and that also showed very irregular heartbeat. that scared me and stopped me for one day. when it's on your mind nothing stops you. the worst thing i don't understand those feelings inside. i don't understand what's going on in me. it feels like it's not me. it comes out of nowhere. one minute i'm proud of myself that i haven't done it, next minute i'm rushing for my food.
i still have a little hope that it will be gone one day, i'm only 24 and i don't want this for the rest of my life. that's what scares me most. when i try to imagine my life without it it seems i'm completely happy with everything, my life is wonderful. but my ed takes everything...

Sunday-
Have you ever had agressive outpatient treatment??The kind where you go a few hours several days a week? I think normal therapy (where you go once a week or twice a month) just isn't enough for most people with severe ED. Please look into outpatient treatment. Finding a good support group and doctor is necessary. I am an aberration in that I recovered without treatment, but I don't think that works for most people. Hang in there...there is ALWAYS hope. I just know you can do it!!

day 7 for me. it's unbelievable, i feel so good, but it's still in my head just like it used to be, i don't know why.. it's funny, you understand that your life improves so much, you feel so much better but you still know it's not going away and know that you'll do it again..
i know i need treatment and would love to do that but because of my work when i do 12 hours a day at least that is impossible for me.. any sort of treatment that involves hours is impossible. i hardly have time to sleep. so try to fight on my own.. try to use this message board.. but still wonder what is that trigger that can stop you. i believe it exists, but i need to find it..

maybe it's not so much a trigger as it is proving to yourself that you CAN do it. i wasn't bulimic, but i was anorexic and went for 9 months binging (never purging) nearly everyday. it was HORRIBLE (as i'm sure you know) and i thought i would never be able to escape it. i'd make it almost a month, think i was in the free and clear, and do it again, setting off another cycle where i'd binge daily for weeks. i really thought i would NEVER recover from it cuz it was always on my mind and it would just HAPPEN, you know?

anyway, i ended up getting therapy and my binging stopped soon after that (still dealing with the anorexia now though). i still binged, but it slowed down and over time, it has completely gone away. i thought about it daily at first and knew i'd do it again, but now (7 months later?) it RARELY crosses my mind and i'd NEVER act on the extremely minor urges i do get. but i had no real trigger except that i was SO sick of it and sick of hating myself for it and sick of feeling SICK! however, i'd been feeling this way for months, so it wasn't like it was something new, you know?

i guess what i'm trying to say is that i think the months i've gone without doing it have helped me basically "forget" about it. the urges have nearly completely passed. but at the beginning, it was SO strong and like you, i knew i'd do it again and i didn't really believe that the urges would go away EVER. and they didn't at all at first, but gradually they became less and less and i became more and more confident, you know? and then it'd happen one or two random times here or there and i'd get shaken up, but it was WAY easier to get back on track. and now, i don't really ever think it'd happen again. i've got my confidence back, you know?

anyway, i think you should take your progress up to this point (which is FANTASTIC, by the way!) and use that as your ammunition against your ED. tell it, "No! i've done this for 7 days and i'm determined to make it to 8!" just keep it up, you've been doing great. also, if you could get into some therapy (even just 1 hour a week, that's all i do), i REALLY recommend it. good luck!

Time is the biggest "healer." When you have gone weeks, then months, then years (I know, it is hard to think that far ahead) without bulimia, you find that you have changed-you have learned to live and thrive without bulimia. Using bulimia as an escape or coping mechanism is "ducking out" of life..you have to learn to face the things that bother you that make you turn to bulimia. If you never face them and learn to deal with them, they will never go away. It will be painful at first, but you will find that just letting yourself feel things is a way of learning to be more in touch with yourself.

You sound like you are so busy that you don't have time to focus on your bulimia, focus on your health, focus on yourself. When we "GO GO GO" all the time and don't find time for ourselves, we deteriorate. Is there any way you can cut back your hours at work? I understand this is not always possible.

CONGRATS on 7 days. That is a huge accomplishment! I know that you will be celebrating an 8th and 9th and 10th..... Even if you slip up occassionally, you have to learn to congratualte yourself on your success.