Shakespeare once said “life is stage and we are mere players upon it.” Or something like that, I don’t know the exact words…

I never really believed this until I began to act. It seemed like such an easy thing to do sometimes. It was better to protect those around me by putting on a show. Now that I have seen the error of my ways and know that only adds to the problem I feel a smidge of guilt. Since I stopped my acting I’ve seen how quickly people can come and go in a life. It’s not easy, makes you feel like utter crap when you loose people you care about. Sometimes, they aren’t worth having around in the first place. In my heart I know that’s not true. Everyone has some purpose in my life. That’s why it’s so hard to let go. Especially at a time where people are on of the few things that keeps me going. If I was writing this to them I would say why? Why did you make me feel like we had a connection, a bond, a friendship only to change your mind. It is not okay for me to act how I feel? Would you rather have me be a player on your stage? All I want is to know you care…is that too much to ask? Or do I just give up? Let my world keep dwindling.

It’s times like this when I wish I could sink. I wish there was a deep inky black pool somewhere filled with cool calming water. Where I could float through the layers of blue and black until I hit the bottom. And not do anything in particular. Just exists. Be wholly and completely me. Forget about all the things that I have lost. They can’t follow me down there. Through the water I can’t hear anything. It’s just me and the silence. It’s not the scary silence like before in the dark. Its calming because underneath it I can hear gentle whispers that its going to be okay. Hope can find it’s way down there. It’s still small and fragile but at least its there. While the world rushes by above me or stands still…either way I’m not apart of it. And when I do come to the surface refreshed and clean…I’ll take a big breathe and the air will fill my lungs and I’ll be alive again. Because I have had time to redefine myself. The things that I have endured are small scares. The pain I feel now is gone. I am content, not fighting with myself. Does the utopia exist? I hope so.

I hope by your latest message that you are at least feeling better. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif We indeed are all players. Whether we or those around us have acted well or are totally clueless the show does indeed go on. We must make the best of the script we've been given. One day you'll come up for that breath of air and not feel like you need to sink back down. I wish you all the best.

thanks...
I would love to say that things are better. That would be lying. Take care.

...........It is not okay for me to act how I feel? Would you rather have me be a player on your stage? All I want is to know you care…is that too much to ask?............

Splendid post.

Yes - sometimes it is indeed too much to ask. To actually care implies action. Movement. Actually doing something. Some just can't do it. They are attached to you..... not out of any mutually beneficial realtionship. No. Not that at all. they are attached to see how much they can drain from you essence. It's all about them. Their appetite is insatiable. No bottom. All you gotta do is give and give and give. When you are completely spent then the final act is to give some more; until you lie spent, lifeless and exhausted.

Good news is, however, that there are others out there that don't operate that way. Seek them and you will find them. They will be easy to spot. As you give, you will notice that they will, in turn, give back. Gotta turn over a lot of rocks but you can find them.

I enjoyed the prose on the blackness. A repose, metamorphasis, cathartic rejuvination. For everything there is a season........ inculding a time to be reborn.

Good luck.

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Those parents that choose to dispense "tough love" to their children now should be prepared to receive same back from them in 30 years.