Okay guys, I REALLY need some advice/help from you.

Here is the deal: I feel like I am at a "crossroad" with my anorexia. I just need to push myself on towards recovery, but not sure if I can do it. I went to my therapist last week and the whole session sucked. She and I definitely did not click, and I have no desire to ever go back to her. She acted like I am not trying to do anything to get better. She had wanted me to go to a meeting for people w/ED's, but I never had a babysitter so I couldn't go. She thought that was just a cop-out for me. Many other negatives came up as well, so I left feeling really bad, much worse than when I went in the first place. So I am dropping her. I called today to make an appt. with a nutritionist, and I ordered an anorexia workbook and another book to try to help myself. I have been trying to eat more, but when I do eat, it's not usually healthy stuff at all (way too much chocolate and other sweets--a huge weakness for me). Anyway, I got on the scale and noticed I gained like 6lbs already--that was only over the course of like 2 weeks!!! So my ED starts taking back over telling me it's okay, I can still lose that and some more if I really try. But, then I know I need to fight that at the same time. That is the crossroad I'm at, not being able to make it to one side or the other. I can't stand the weight gain, but I know I need to gain weight to get my periods back and be healthy again but, it's just sooooo hard to accept and to be ok with the weight gain, you know?

Anyway, I am so worried that if I keep allowing myself to eat, I will eat all the wrong stuff and gain a ton of weight fast, like I've already done. Do you think the nutritionist will be the answer for me? I've never been to one before, but I was really hoping that if someone would actually tell me what I should and should not be eating, that would help me not feel so guilty over the kinds of things and how much of those things that I eat. Also, does anyone know how many calories the average person burns each day (without deliberate exercise)? My therapist had told me to totally stop exercise, but I don't know if I would burn near enough calories then to keep from gaining too much weight too fast. I didn't workout at all today, and I feel TOTALLY guilty from it, so the only thing I have let myself eat is one mini reese's cup. I have been drinking a lot of fluids though, is that just as bad as eating? When I don't eat anything, I usually drink at least 64oz of skim milk in a day with about 1/2 to 3/4 tbs of lite choc syrup in each 16oz cup. I know that's still alot of calories, but it helps to fill me up without actually having to feel guilty about chewing and swallowing real food. Do you think drinking to much milk is contributing to the quick weight gain?

Sorry this has been so long, but I am freaking out over all of this and really need some advice from people who actually understand what I'm going through.

I don't know much about your problem, but I want to go over some facts.. A ton = 2000 lbs. 6 lbs is a long way from that. If you drank 64 oz. of liquid that = 4 lbs. of course you will eliminate most of that, your body won't store all that. Best of luck and I hope things work out for you.

a nutritionist will help and i think it would be a good part of your recovery (learning what/how much/when to eat for health and weight gain). i am firmly conviced, however, that you NEED a therapist. so the first one sucked. get your butt out there and find another one. you are WAY to deep into this to recover on your own. i know that's not what you want to hear, but it's the truth. when you can't stand the act of actually eating so you drink milk with chocolate syrup that you measure down to the 1/4 tablespoon, you are way WAY to deep into anorexia to get out by yourself. you know why you're gaining weight? because you've been STARVING for so long, your body is desperate for anything it can grab onto. it may continue this way, it may not, but THAT'S why you need therapy to deal with the feelings and anxiety. please try to find another therapist.

Hey Jonistyle,

So how exactly does the therapist help? I've been to 2 different ones now and neither one has worked out for me. I will take your advice and continue to look for a new one, but what exactly should I be looking for? I'm really confused over that. I have read so many posts here where people just love their therapists, and say they have helped them so much, I just want to know in what way do they actually help you?

I think I have fooled myself into thinking I can just do this by myself, but every time I think I am that determined, the anorexia just seems to take over again telling me no way can I let go of this. I really hate that!! How do you fight it AND WIN?!? I do have high hopes that the books I have ordered will help me, plus I am definitely going to a meeting tomorrow night for people with ED's. (I already have babysitting taken care of for that). So I feel like I am trying at least. But the fact that I have gained weight scares me to death.

i think you need to examine what you're looking for if you're having difficulty finding a therapist. i don't really know what exactly makes one work for any given person, but you need to know what YOU need in order to recover, you know? what has been wrong with the past two therapists? why didn't you think they would work? maybe writing it out will help you see what you're looking for. on the other hand, you MUST be willing to confront your ED and change. it's very scary and difficult, i know. did your therapist say things before that really struck home? i know they made you feel bad, but was it because you knew they were true? you've gotta be ready to confront these issues, and it's very difficult, so make sure you're giving the therapist a fair shot, you know? (by the way, i'm not trying to make you feel bad or anything like that at all. i'm just trying to make sure you've really given the therapist a fair shot.) you might have to go through 5 duds before you find a good one, who knows? yeah, it's draining and frustrating, but you gotta stick it out. when you find one that connects to you, you'll instantly understand why.

so keep looking for someone who specializes in ED's and seems to understand you. and when you find one, you MUST follow her advice. if she says stop exercising and eat x amounts of food, then d***it, do it. don't mess with this further. you're in pretty rough shape right now and you need to trust that doctors/therapists/nutritionists know a LOT more about what's good for you right now than you do. the books and support groups are a great idea and i think they'll REALLY help. but you NEED one-on-one intensive therapy too.

what does a therapist do? she helps guide you through recovery, that's how i see it. an ED specialist understands the underlying issues and habits of anorexia, and she knows how to help you work through things so you can recover. does she do it for you or force you to instantly recover? no. you do it yourself. but she leads you along the path, providing structure, advice, challenges, having you slowly release the control that anorexia has on your life. the way i see it is that I am leading myself through recovery and out of anorexia, but SHE is the one who knows the path. i just can't find it on my own, you know?

anyway, stay motivated and keep working. you CAN do this!

The main problem I've had with the therapists is that every time I talk to them about my anorexia, they bring my daughters into it and ask me things like "how do you think this is affecting your daughters?" or "well, how would you feel is your daughter was doing this?" Those kinds of things just send me on an enormous guilt trip. I mean, I understand what they're saying, and OF COURSE I don't want my daughters to be affected by my problem, and I would never want them to go through any of what I'm going through, but someone telling me stuff to make me feel guilty about this does not help me at all. It's not like I can just say, "oh, yeah, well that's true, my daughters are going to be negatively affected by this, so I better just stop". That's what has bothered me so bad about therapists. Is that something they will all do, and I'm just being too sensitive about it? I just can't handle any more guilt than I already feel now.

What I am looking for in a therapist is someone who can help me not feel so guilty about eating and gaining weight. To me, it's that simple. Get past the guilt, get past the anorexia, right?

man, it sucks that they put it that way! i'd suggest retorting with EXACTLY what you've written here. tell them, "listen, i WANT to change because i KNOW this could seriously F*** my daughters up. and i already feel a tremendous amount of guilt about this DAILY and when you say it like that it just makes me feel worse about myself. it doesn't make me feel more motivated, it just makes me feel guilty and low and depressed. i want to change because I HATE what i'm doing to myself and my family but i don't know how to change and i need your help. i don't need more guilt, i need support and guidance and necessary reality checks to deal with the guilt i already have. i need you to guide me to getting better instead of making me feel bad about where i am."

you need to make it very clear that her words are NOT helping you; rather, they're alienating you. i think right now you should call up that therapist and tell her what you've told me and how you feel about her comments. i'm sure she was trying to get at something else by saying them and she probably didn't realize exactly how she affected you. so let her know! what's the worst that can happen? either you'll find out that you CAN work with this therapist or you'll REALLY know that she isn't the right one. either way, you're not really losing out! anyway, let me know what happens.

Thanks for the advice, joni. I'm going to do that, and I'll let you know what happens.