Hi... it's Sunday 1.15 am and cant sleep.

I feel terrible and depressed but dont know why. I have so many things in my head that I feel suffocated.

Things are going bad at work and with the guy I am dating, who happens to work with me.
I am very stressed up because of my co-workers who belittle me and talk about me on my back and make nasty comment.

No one, except my parents care about me. Ive got friends but i dont talk with them about my feelings... I dont even know if I should call them "friends".

I've always had depression (though never went to pdoc)but I used to be cheerful. I used to be bubbly and laugh all the times and make people smile.
Now, I cant even remember the last time I had a real good laugh (not a faked one).

Tomorrow I am gonna go to a pharmacy to see if I can get something for anxiety and sleeping pills. I cant imagine to spend another night like this... I want to sleep and not think anymore.

I have a big headache because I cant stop thinking that I gotta go to work tomorrow and deal with people.

I hate everything and everyone at this moment, except my parents and my pets.

I want to stop living... stop breathing... stop feeling... stop thinking... stop suffering...

I really want to scream. I feel I have too many things in my chest that I am suffocating... headache... difficult breathing...

Just wanted to vent. No need to reply. Thanks

Wanted to say Take care anyway, Miffybunny.
Don't put to much pressure on yourself.
Jeffie http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Just the fact you wrote in means you give a darn
Now go and take good care of yourself!

Nick
Toronto Canada

I am new here. But I have long history of dealing with depression. Circumstances can surely make you depressed but if you have an undercurrent of depression then every life problem is magnified. Being a man I was reluctant to go to a doctor and say I was depressed. I did not even know if I was depressed or just a puss and not confronting and dealing with life as a "MAN".
I was put on prozac in about 1989 and it worked a miracle for me. I could wake in the morning at "ground level" meaning I did not wake feeling bummed or high, just at a level point. Meds can help and so can therapy..don't be afraid to seek help.
It can get better.

Thanks very much about the replies.
I think I am getting better, but you know... tomorrow I am jumping happily and 1 months later I get depressed again for any stupid reason.

This is affecting my life very much, so I am trying to make some changes.

I called a psychologist and will see her on Tuesday. I don't expect anything from her, since I had many friends who went to psychologists for many years and I never saw any progress : p, but at least I will get things off my chest and talk about the little things that bothers me without being judged (hehe, because I pay).

I didn't go to the doctor for a prescription for an anxiety med because I try hard to avoid meds so to not depend on them. Instead, I signed up for yoga classes (I am sure I will fall asleep and get bored).

Also, I´ll stop working here in a month and dedicate on my studies and fixing my life. It was a difficult decision since I love to keep myself busy and make my own money and feel needed.

As for my friends and the guy I am seeing, I just gave up. I realize now that we are alone in this world and I should not try to find stability in people. How sad is that?

Hawkeye, you are right. People say I make a great deal out of everything and they don't understand me, nor try to accept me for what I am. Because of the way I was raised, I always feared people would isolate me for being mentally unstable. I still fear that, but I think it is better than waking up every morning and wish I were dead.

I am at the office and posting because I can't concentrate in what I am doing.

I am feeling terrible these days, I get sick everyday (fever, headache, nausea, dizziness) and I don't eat much. I stopped skipping lunch so that I dont have to be with my coworkers and now i am used to not eating.

Also, I sometimes think I actually like to starve, in order to feel bad on purpose.

All I want to do is to go home and be in bed and cry.

What hurts me more is that there's no one I can talk to about this. My friends don't understand me and put me down even more when I try to tell then I am not ok, the guy I am dating avoids me when I am depressed and won't even talk to me. I feel like a burden to everyone and that everyone talks on my back.

This weekend I try to cheer myself up and go out in-line skating, but as hard as I tried, I just couldnt bring myself to get me out of my house. So, I spent the whole weekend sleeping.

Why does anyone care about me? If I die, no one would care, except my parents. I am really tired and want to go home and sleep... but I have class after work and can't skip because I have a test on Thursday.

All I want is that a friend or the stupid guy to be be with me... Just one call saying hello would cheer me up.

Sorry if you stumbled upon this thread and read this whining post of mine.