Im not really sure. I mean i feel like i maybe, but i dont really want to go to the doctor to find out. Feel to anxious to go out and do that, and pretty much feel like i can fix this stuff on my own.
Last Saturday, i went to see a girl i met over the internet, we were talking a "going out" for 5 months before we met. I was expecting the worst, that she would think i was ugly and dump me afterwords. It ended up being the best day of my life, everything clicked, we were totally comfortable with each other from the get go, it was like a dream honestly, like i was high or something. Didnt seem real.
Ok, now its only been 6 days, and im starting to forget all those feelings, and go back to the way i felt before. Like...what she saw then, wasnt really how i am. She thought i was attractve, but i cant see that when i look at myself in the mirror you know. I just feel like no one could be attracted to what i see. I no longer trust her when she says she thought i looked good, or i feel like it was false.
She is my first girlfriend ever, and we really are like perfect together it seems, but the longer i get away from that day the worse i start feeling.
Its like this other part of me doesnt want to be happy, it always shows up making some excuse to be unhappy. Its like a fight in my head, whenever i feel good, i think of some way to become unhappy. The depression comes back so easily. And most of my depression is created by my self image. I just hate the way i look. Im like so different from every other male i know, and i dont like it, being an outcast even now. School was bad enough, but i know people are more mature in the real world, but still im scared to go out and experience that cause im scared what people iwll think of me.
After that day, we were happy, and we talked on the phone we were still happy, we missed each other but other than that we were cool. The next day, we were feeling kinda bad for some reason, she was feeling depressed about something and wouldnt talk about it. The day after that we began analyzing that night, breaking everything down, and like the whole feeling deminished. I found out all the mistakes i made, made me feel worse about myself. But i cant help but ask questions, im very curious about what i do wrong you know? And i always ask what shes thinking, i want to know everything on her mind, but u know sometimes the truth hurts me bad.
I guess this is getting to be to long of a post and no one will want to read it. Just so much of my depression come from the way i look, im so self conscious , i feel so awkward in public places. And it just seems like no matter what , my depression wants to find an excuse to rear its ugly head to me.

Thanks for reading if you did, sorry it took so long, and sorry if my problem doesnt seem to be important...Take care all.

Hi LostCause,
I don't think you sound bipolar at all. I think you just have very low self esteem for some reason.
Sounds like you and the girl you met on the internet hit it off at first. She said you looked good, right? Maybe you are giving off some vibe that you don't feel good about yourself-and this is what's putting her off.
At any rate you need to talk to somebody and get to the root of your feelings of low self worth. You sound like your own worst enemy, but Iam sure you are an awesome person. Good Luck, take care.

Not only do I completely agree with everything Debbie said, I think that your problem may not be fear of being rejected but maybe fear of being ACCEPTED? If this is the case, it may be because you're so used to feeling rejection that a different and positive experience could cause it's share of worry as well. And if you are like many of us who have depression, you may have the feeling that you don't "deserve to be happy" and, whether you're conscious of it or not, allow that false belief to take control and make your worry become a reality. Please, don't let that happen.

Well she did like me alot, and it didnt put her off at all. The whole time during that day it was like i didnt really care how i looked, and we were just like perfect. Its only the further i get away from that day the more i start feeling like i used to. Before i met her, i was positive that she would find me ugly, and she kept saying no no looks dont matter etc etc. But i still didnt believe her. Everything went well that day, i wasnt worrying about that i was just there to enjoy the day and it turned out to be the best day of my life. And her feelings havnt changed even tho ive started acting like i used too, she begs me not to go back to being like that.
Its amazing how many times my mom has told me im my own worst enemy. Its true i am, i totally despise myself. But everyone seems to like me. Then i get kinda scared if i start liking myself ill become conceited, or something. If she was here with me it might be easier to love myself, if i had her constant encouragement, and just to be able to see her eyes and hold her and all that i maybe wouldnt feel this way. But the more i get away from it, the more i start to convince myself that it will change, or i was just looking my best at the time and i dont always look that good, and next time she sees me it wont be so great.
I do feel like i dont deserve happyness...ive said that alot. I dont deserve her, yes im used to being rejected, although i really havnt tried. Im one of those people who thinks they will fail before they even try, so why try at all u know?
Fear of being accepted? im not sure...i mean its the thing i want most you know, just to be liked and to be in love and have someone to hold kiss etc etc. But when people say they accept me i feel like they dont REALLY feel like that, or that they are just sayin that to make me feel better or some such nonsense. I say nonsense now but that part of myself can be pretty convincing sometimes. I dont know, i hope i dont have a fear of being accepted. I know i wont break up with her over this, ill stick with it as long as she will stick with me. And hopefully i can overcome this.

Hi LostCause,
I am 42 years old and I really understand how you feel. I have been going through the same thing as you for as long as I can remember and I wish I knew why and especially how to stop this self-loathing that I have for myself... I'm still searching for answers.
I photograph extremely well but I don't see that same person in the mirror and I hate it when people tell me I'm beautiful or words thereof... however, if they were to say the kinds of words to me that I say to myself, I would be even more devastated. I, too, have many friends that love me and enjoy my company but it is so hard to accept that it is really how they feel.
I'm afraid to be happy; what the hell is up with that? It really makes no sense! I always push away the one's that really want to be with me... it's like I'd rather have someone that doesn't want me at all and those are the men that I am more attracted to. One date (or even less) and they are history.
My heart really goes out to you sweetheart...I assume you are rather young and all I have to say that I really hope will help you; is trust in her feelings for you and do all you can to believe in yourself because if you continue on this self-effacing path; you will end up like me and never find the happiness that you really and truly DO deserve. However, don’t ever rely on another individual to “complete” you as a person; learn to love YOU as you love others. I wish you well.


------------------
Gina