Yesterday I had a really bad day. I felt like I ate too much and too much junk. I also weighed myself this morning and I have gained 2 pounds in about a weeks time. I just feel so bloated and horrible! I don't need to gain anymore weight! I'm 5'1" and 107lbs now, was 105. I'm short and small-framed. I haven't been counting cals and I've just been eating what I want. But this is really scaring me and want to just compensate today for all of it. Yesterday this is what I had:
B: bowl of frosted mini wheats, piece of toast w/ low-fat butter and low sugar jelly, 2 cups coffee
S: 6 tootsie rolls
L: hamburger, small fries, small vanilla cone from McDonalds (felt bad about this, cause I usually don't eat burgers and fries anymore but it just sounded good so I got it. Then I felt guilty the rest of the day.)
S: Banana drizzled w/ honey, handful of crushed corn flakes on top and a little bit of light whipped cream, then my fiance came home and gave me a box of chocolates for V-day so I had 2 of those.
D: Small piece of baked Italian style chicken (had mozz cheese and marinara sauce on it), side salad w/ ff dressing, small baked potato w/ light butter and ff sour cream and 2 tootsie rolls for dessert.
S: Apple and then a slice of bread right before bed.

I did total the cals and it was probably around 2200-2300. I usually have around 2000. I just had too many sweets and too much junk yesterday and I feel really guilty. Especially when I stepped on the scale this morning and found out I have gained 2 pounds now. I did put my scale away. I really don't want to use it anymore and know I shouldn't. I wouldn't be feeling this way if I wouldn't have weighed myself. I feel so bloated though too. I can feel those 2 pounds everywhere on my body. I feel as if I've gained 10. My belly has flab, my thighs are bigger, my butt is bigger, and the cellulite on the backs of my legs is getting worse and worse. I feel gross, that's how I feel. How do I pull myself out of this one?? How do I keep on eating normally feeling this way?? I'm feeling completely discouraged now and like I just want to give up and start counting cals again and eating only my "safe" foods. All of my jeans are tight and uncomfortable to wear. Another thing I've been thinking about alot is if you can really eat what you want and when you want and be a healthy weight, then why are so many people fat? Isn't that what they do? I just don't understand it! As you can tell I'm going down hill and fast. I need advice, reassurance, whatever.....please help!!!

oops, messed up my reply.. see below!

Okay, girl. Breathe. You are letting way to many of those eating disorder thoughts through. You have to keep battling them constantly. Tell yourself that you need food, your body knows what weight it wants to be. It's okay to allow yourself not-safe foods. McDonalds can be terrifying and it's so awesome that you could have it! You should feel really proud of yourself. You may have a bit of extra water weight that is making your weight go up. Don't let that throw you off track with your eating. If you restrict now, your metabolism slows down, and it becomes easier to gain weight and you start this whole downward spiral. Maybe you could make a pro/con list about your eating disorder to help you regain perspective and fight it harder. Only you know the positives of it, but what are the negatives? You're cold all the time, your head is foggy, you're dizzy, your memory and concentration suck, you're weak, you isolate yourself from people, you can't really connect with your emotions or connect with other people.. the list goes on! You know you were feeling good a little while ago before your slipped and your weight was okay. Keep reminding yourself of how good you felt when you were better and how bad it felt to be in the eating disorder. I mean, how much longer do you want to live this way? When you're in the eating disorder you aren't living, you're only surviving. Life is a whole lot more than that. You can get it back. Make a plan to get yourself back on track. Write it all down and maybe discuss it with someone you trust so you can be held accountable. Are you seeing a nutritionist? I think it would really help. Mine helps me stay on track and challange myself when I start to get stuck eating only "safe" foods. I know you can pull yourself out of this.

I think about that a lot too.. what is "normal" eating.. if regular people out there eat "normally" then why do people become overweight.. I think the important thing to remember is balance. It's not necessarily about eating what you want, whenever you want. It's about listening to your body and the hunger and fullness signals it gives you. It's about giving your body the nutrition it needs and allowing yourself to have fear foods. Eating too much of any one thing isn't good for you. Hell, even having too much water isn't good for you. You could get in all your calories for the day by eating only apples, but that is not healthy, right? It's all about balance. But really you are not at the point yet where you need to be worrying about that. Right now all you need to focus on is being free from your eating disorder. Keep fighting.

(Sorry in advance for the REALLY quick reply, but i jstu had one lil note to add to the above..)

Just a thought..about the weight..consider the fact that you ate Mcdonald's, and liekly that was high sodium (surpriseee)..which means you'll retain water (aka weight on the scale). So the 'weight' that you likely 'gained' is LIKELY not a real gain and is probably more just water retention or something along thsoe lines. Two pounds, althoguh I know myself can be life shattering, really is not a concern in terms of gaining because weight fluctuates so often but even as much as 5 pounds (and its not all real weight).

Ok, Piscean, pleeeeeeeease relax. Take a deep breath - seriously, do it - and reconnect with yourself. You are completely overreacting. I am not saying that how you are feeling is not real, but it is not TRUE...those are two totally differnt words (even though they seem synonymous).
First of all, do not focus on your weight. Yeah, the scale says 107 instead of 105, but that is completely fine! I weighed 2lbs more two days ago than I did today and tomorrow I'll probably weigh 5 lbs more - it changes so frequently! I know it's really hard to believe, but there are so many other things besides food that affect your weight. I'm sure you know what all of them are so I won't list them, but you definitely need to take those into account. You did not put on 2 lbs of fat in the past 2 weeks - I can promise you that. Basically, weighing yourself is only going to make things worse (and not only if the scale goes up! it can be just as harmful if it goes, down, too!)
Second of all, what you ate was not even bad at all! That seemed like a perfectly normal day (in fact, very planned out) and even though you ate McDonald's for lunch and valentine's day chocolate, you could have eaten a "healthy" salad somewhere with a lot of dressing on it and it would have been the same amount of calories! You can eat what you want as long as you eat when you're hungry and you don't eat the same things all the time. Now, if you were eating McDonald's for breakfast, lunch, and dinner 7 days a week, THEN you might have a problem. I know people who don't even remember the last time they sat down and just ate a plain, fresh piece of fruit...imagine that!!
You have come so far, Piscean, but your anorexic thoughts are obviously still present (and they might be for a long time). You have to learn to ignore them, even when get extremely uncomfortable, because they are SO destructive. There is not one ounce of truth to them and listening to them by restricting or counting calories again is ONLY going to make you a) regress into your eating disorder and do all the things anterrbae said in her post, b) slow your metabolism again (and you've worked so hard to get it back!) and c) make you terribly unhappy in the long run.

I really hope you are feeling better and didn't restrict yourself at all...you have to beat this...you're so close. And you will NOT keep gaining weight out of control. Do not worry about that...it won't happen!

Ok, I'm feeling better. Yesterday was a good day. I ate a little healthier, but I did have a candy bar yesterday afternoon because I had this crazy craving for chocolate. But I was completely ok with it and didn't feel guilty about it. I enjoyed every bite of that candy bar because it had been such a long time since I had had one. I felt proud that I was able to eat it without guilt. I think I need to slow down a bit. My problem I think was I was moving too fast and scaring myself too much. I need to take it one step at a time. Like eating healthy meals but having a candy bar as a snack, or eating healthy snacks and make ONE meal of the day not 100% healthy. I have the problem of thinking I need to eat "perfect" all the time. And then I usually feel guilty when I don't. But if I make it a point everyday to eat one thing or even two that's not so healthy and get used to that I'll probably start to lose my "diet mentality". That way I'll still be eating healthy, yet it won't seem like a diet. I feel guilty if I eat too much junk, but I feel almost the same if I eat too healthy. If I eat too healthy and not allow myself treats during the day then I feel guilty because I know I'm not making progress with my recovery and I'm restricting. Anyway, I am feeling better today and more relaxed. This last week has been hard for me. I hate feeling this way, and I just want to be normal and not have to deal with my ED anymore...but I know this, just like anything else, will take hard work if I want to overcome it. I'm determined to do this. I just want to thank all of you for being so supportive and helping me through this. I know I would definently slip back into my ED if it wasn't for all of you giving me advice and reassurance. Thank you! :)

good job, hon! just stick with it, you've been doing so great. so you had a little of a dud week, but look at you, you pulled through and you're moving on up! great work!

i think you're way of approaching everything is wonderful. i too feel bad if i go 100% healthy or 100% junk, and really neither of those EXTREMES is healthy at all! "healthy" is somewhere in the middle, you know? anyway, focusing on one or two "less healthy" things a day is a great place to start. that's how i try to look at my eating too. it's like, i eat healthy meals and snacks, but then i have a VERY unhealthy ( and delicious!) dessert every night! and i know it's okay because it's not like that one thing makes my whole deal unhealthy, you know? so keep it up! you give your body good nutrition, you give your body good treats and you give your mind relaxation and confidence . . . you're doing fantastic!