Sandyspen
02-15-2006, 10:07 AM
Oh my goodness. We just had the worst 3 days ever!
I thought my mom was irritating with the "shadowing," constant repetition and blasting my brother for taking her car. Other than being totally outrageous, I've pretty much grown accustom to what's coming next and how to cope.
BUT.....Saturday morning she woke up, came into the kitchen and said, "My bags are packed and I want you to take me home now."
I swear, I know this sounds ridiculous but she didn't even look like my mother. Her eyes are ordinarily a pale pale blue and she generally has a very childlike, giggly appearance. But this morning, they were almost a steely navy blue and her face just looked hard and mean. I was sort of stunned and taken off-guard.
Usually, it's very easy to say, Mom we'll see, when we get all your meds straightened out and you feel better. And that's the end of it. She'll go away and color or play.
This was a different person and it just caught me unaware. Instead of my "pat answer," I said. "Mom I can't take you right now. I'm making breakfast and you need to be here."
That was the wrong thing to say! She screamed at the top of her lungs. You're taking me home. I can't stand this anymore. If you don't take me home, I'll kill myself.
Then my hubby is awake and he starts trying to "reason" with her. Well, we know how well that works. She's screaming that she never had a sick day in her life, she doesn't need any pills, she's a great driver, we stole her car, now we kidnapped her and if we don't take her home we'll all be very sorry. She's screaming and storming around the house.
This went on all day Saturday. We stopped reasoning, eventually dh saw the futility of that. But she continued to scream and cry and storm around. Bedtime was a relief. Sunday morning, dh told me to get out and go somewhere, shopping or something just to take a break.
When she was screaming, she kept saying she didn't have anything to do here. So while I was shopping I bought her a bead set and a new puzzle with large pieces. Hubby had her rake the yard with him while I was away. She loves being outside and looks forward to sweeping the porch everyday.
When I returned, I tried helping her with the bead set but she could never do that. Wasted toy. She did seem calmer, though her eyes were that darker blue and she kept saying she was going home.
Monday morn, I'm watching her eyes when she wakes.......navy blue. I'm thinking, "Oh no!" She watches Bob Barker, dh comes home early because of work issues and then leaves to go to the bank. She starts screaming again! She points her finger at our back yard and says if we don't move her mobile back there or buy her a travel trailers we will be sorry. She'll do something!
Wholly cow! We haven't mentioned that travel trailer thing in 2 months. How does she remember that?
The same hysterical thing as Saturday and I'm shaking so badly and she's getting personal now. How me and my brothers are no good.....yada yada. Took her car, kidnapped her. I'm just out of it and call my brother. He says we have to find an nh.
DH puts a lock inside my bedroom door because he goes to work so early that I'm still asleep. He wants me locked in until I wake up.
Tuesday morning, I swear, I'm holding my breath when she gets up. Her eyes are a clear clear pale blue.. She's a little girl, sweet as pie. In the afternoon she's talking about her old friends and how nice it was living alone. I say, well dh and I reconsidered and if she really wants a travel trailer that badly, we'll get one.
She looked at me like I was crazy! "In the back yard! I don't want to live back there! I would be alone. I want to live with you!"
Now, I'm thinking I must be crazy!
I don't know how on earth she even remembered the travel tailer. And, I don't think she'd use it. 5 days out of 7 she's the little girl.
My question is, do they reach a point where they are this other raving person all the time? I tell ya, I would have no problems with a nh if that was the case. I was afraid.
But when she's this sweet little girl, who knows me (maybe doesn't know that I'm her daughter but knows me) it's just so hard to even think of a nh.
My head is just spinning. What does the nh do when they become that "other person?" This is just the saddest darn thing. I'm just so torn up over it.
I doubt if my brothers would even have believed me if R hadn't heard her screaming in the background.
I just don't know. I know the nh is coming soon, but these screaming, changing personality things, how often does that happen?
I thought my mom was irritating with the "shadowing," constant repetition and blasting my brother for taking her car. Other than being totally outrageous, I've pretty much grown accustom to what's coming next and how to cope.
BUT.....Saturday morning she woke up, came into the kitchen and said, "My bags are packed and I want you to take me home now."
I swear, I know this sounds ridiculous but she didn't even look like my mother. Her eyes are ordinarily a pale pale blue and she generally has a very childlike, giggly appearance. But this morning, they were almost a steely navy blue and her face just looked hard and mean. I was sort of stunned and taken off-guard.
Usually, it's very easy to say, Mom we'll see, when we get all your meds straightened out and you feel better. And that's the end of it. She'll go away and color or play.
This was a different person and it just caught me unaware. Instead of my "pat answer," I said. "Mom I can't take you right now. I'm making breakfast and you need to be here."
That was the wrong thing to say! She screamed at the top of her lungs. You're taking me home. I can't stand this anymore. If you don't take me home, I'll kill myself.
Then my hubby is awake and he starts trying to "reason" with her. Well, we know how well that works. She's screaming that she never had a sick day in her life, she doesn't need any pills, she's a great driver, we stole her car, now we kidnapped her and if we don't take her home we'll all be very sorry. She's screaming and storming around the house.
This went on all day Saturday. We stopped reasoning, eventually dh saw the futility of that. But she continued to scream and cry and storm around. Bedtime was a relief. Sunday morning, dh told me to get out and go somewhere, shopping or something just to take a break.
When she was screaming, she kept saying she didn't have anything to do here. So while I was shopping I bought her a bead set and a new puzzle with large pieces. Hubby had her rake the yard with him while I was away. She loves being outside and looks forward to sweeping the porch everyday.
When I returned, I tried helping her with the bead set but she could never do that. Wasted toy. She did seem calmer, though her eyes were that darker blue and she kept saying she was going home.
Monday morn, I'm watching her eyes when she wakes.......navy blue. I'm thinking, "Oh no!" She watches Bob Barker, dh comes home early because of work issues and then leaves to go to the bank. She starts screaming again! She points her finger at our back yard and says if we don't move her mobile back there or buy her a travel trailers we will be sorry. She'll do something!
Wholly cow! We haven't mentioned that travel trailer thing in 2 months. How does she remember that?
The same hysterical thing as Saturday and I'm shaking so badly and she's getting personal now. How me and my brothers are no good.....yada yada. Took her car, kidnapped her. I'm just out of it and call my brother. He says we have to find an nh.
DH puts a lock inside my bedroom door because he goes to work so early that I'm still asleep. He wants me locked in until I wake up.
Tuesday morning, I swear, I'm holding my breath when she gets up. Her eyes are a clear clear pale blue.. She's a little girl, sweet as pie. In the afternoon she's talking about her old friends and how nice it was living alone. I say, well dh and I reconsidered and if she really wants a travel trailer that badly, we'll get one.
She looked at me like I was crazy! "In the back yard! I don't want to live back there! I would be alone. I want to live with you!"
Now, I'm thinking I must be crazy!
I don't know how on earth she even remembered the travel tailer. And, I don't think she'd use it. 5 days out of 7 she's the little girl.
My question is, do they reach a point where they are this other raving person all the time? I tell ya, I would have no problems with a nh if that was the case. I was afraid.
But when she's this sweet little girl, who knows me (maybe doesn't know that I'm her daughter but knows me) it's just so hard to even think of a nh.
My head is just spinning. What does the nh do when they become that "other person?" This is just the saddest darn thing. I'm just so torn up over it.
I doubt if my brothers would even have believed me if R hadn't heard her screaming in the background.
I just don't know. I know the nh is coming soon, but these screaming, changing personality things, how often does that happen?
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Martha H
02-15-2006, 10:35 AM
Dear Sandy, sorry you had such a bizarre weekend.
When I was teaching I used to see a (real or imagined) connection between the full moon and children' s erratic behavior, which always seemed worst during full moon times.
I can't explain the strange eyes. Perhaps anger enlarges the pupils making the eye seem darker? Or is it remotely possible that Mom took too much or not enough of some medication? Is she on any prescription drugs, and does she dose herself?
Outside of that I can only say Nursing Homes know how to handle hysterical outbursts, and we don't. I never heard of one lasting for days. You were amazing to keep calm and put up with it outwardly.
I think it is time to investigate nursing homes in your area. Good luck with it. Remember that she will wind up there anyway, and it is easier if she adjusts to it now. Where my Mom is, the resident (not called patient) can decorate the room as they wish. Mom (thanks to my brother) has colorful pictures, family portraits etc on the walls, and a large number of throw pillows on her bed which were all needlepointed by my sister. She has her own TV and radio and telephone (nothing was in the room the day she moved in, and she spent one sad night in a bare room!)
Her latest enjoyment is feeding the birds. After the huge snowfall recently, the birds were not finding their natural food. Bill and Mom went outside and fed them breadcrumbs. Now 50 birds come every day, often before Mom and Bill arrive. Mom even remembers to save some of her lunch bread to feed them.
I have heard that having a responsibility, even for a plant or a pet, (under supervision, of course, they would probably forget to water/feed them) is good for an AD victim.
A NH in your area where you could visit her frequently is THE answer. It is shocking to have to lock yourself in your bedroom to feel safe. I remember removing all sharp knives or scissors from Mom's reach at a time when she used to sneak around the apartment at night, shining a flashlight in my face (recently saw this on TV as a kind of 'torture' used on prisoners!!!!) and began to think she might see me as an intruder and hurt me.
NO way to live. No no no! Get her to safety and care, the sooner the better.
I cannot tell how often the little girl will be replaced by the violent banshee. No one knows, each case is different.
God bless you --- you handled it well. You got through it.
(Meanwhile I figured out where all my sudden tooth decay originated. I was so tense while living with Mom that I acquired acid reflux. This acid came up in the night and ate away at my teeth. Then I started using Tums all night, and that sugar ate away even more...)
Love,
Martha
When I was teaching I used to see a (real or imagined) connection between the full moon and children' s erratic behavior, which always seemed worst during full moon times.
I can't explain the strange eyes. Perhaps anger enlarges the pupils making the eye seem darker? Or is it remotely possible that Mom took too much or not enough of some medication? Is she on any prescription drugs, and does she dose herself?
Outside of that I can only say Nursing Homes know how to handle hysterical outbursts, and we don't. I never heard of one lasting for days. You were amazing to keep calm and put up with it outwardly.
I think it is time to investigate nursing homes in your area. Good luck with it. Remember that she will wind up there anyway, and it is easier if she adjusts to it now. Where my Mom is, the resident (not called patient) can decorate the room as they wish. Mom (thanks to my brother) has colorful pictures, family portraits etc on the walls, and a large number of throw pillows on her bed which were all needlepointed by my sister. She has her own TV and radio and telephone (nothing was in the room the day she moved in, and she spent one sad night in a bare room!)
Her latest enjoyment is feeding the birds. After the huge snowfall recently, the birds were not finding their natural food. Bill and Mom went outside and fed them breadcrumbs. Now 50 birds come every day, often before Mom and Bill arrive. Mom even remembers to save some of her lunch bread to feed them.
I have heard that having a responsibility, even for a plant or a pet, (under supervision, of course, they would probably forget to water/feed them) is good for an AD victim.
A NH in your area where you could visit her frequently is THE answer. It is shocking to have to lock yourself in your bedroom to feel safe. I remember removing all sharp knives or scissors from Mom's reach at a time when she used to sneak around the apartment at night, shining a flashlight in my face (recently saw this on TV as a kind of 'torture' used on prisoners!!!!) and began to think she might see me as an intruder and hurt me.
NO way to live. No no no! Get her to safety and care, the sooner the better.
I cannot tell how often the little girl will be replaced by the violent banshee. No one knows, each case is different.
God bless you --- you handled it well. You got through it.
(Meanwhile I figured out where all my sudden tooth decay originated. I was so tense while living with Mom that I acquired acid reflux. This acid came up in the night and ate away at my teeth. Then I started using Tums all night, and that sugar ate away even more...)
Love,
Martha
Sandyspen
02-15-2006, 10:56 AM
Martha,
I think that's what surprised me. She never remembers anything I say. How can she remember to be mad for 3 days! I just don't get it.
When we first brought her here, though, I can remember her asking to go home (not the banshee) and even when I changed the subject she would cry for hours. DH would say how does she remember to be upset. Other times, you could change the subject and it was all forgotten.
When I was a little girl, that was her way of coping with children. She would ignore me. Sometimes for days. Just pretend I wasn't around. She does the same thing now when angered. If she asks for her car, and I explain the whole situation, I've seen her sit for an entire day and pretend I didn't exist; refuse to answer or even look at me. That's tough to handle because it takes me back to my childhood. Yet, at least now, I have an excuse for why she does it. Back then, I didn't.
I just don't understand how in the world she can remember to stay mad. That baffles my dh also.
Oh, I can sure see how the acid reflux would happen and affect your teeth. I think the stress hurts us in more ways than we even know.
You might be right about the eyes. I hadn't thought of that. It makes sense though that it probably is the pupils enlarging. It's the first thing I check when she enters a room, her eyes, and whether they are dark or light.
It's just so sad. You wish they understood enough to know that if the sweet little girl stayed around, I could handle it and she'd have a home here. But.....the screaming and accusing and put-downs, I just can't handle.
I think that's what surprised me. She never remembers anything I say. How can she remember to be mad for 3 days! I just don't get it.
When we first brought her here, though, I can remember her asking to go home (not the banshee) and even when I changed the subject she would cry for hours. DH would say how does she remember to be upset. Other times, you could change the subject and it was all forgotten.
When I was a little girl, that was her way of coping with children. She would ignore me. Sometimes for days. Just pretend I wasn't around. She does the same thing now when angered. If she asks for her car, and I explain the whole situation, I've seen her sit for an entire day and pretend I didn't exist; refuse to answer or even look at me. That's tough to handle because it takes me back to my childhood. Yet, at least now, I have an excuse for why she does it. Back then, I didn't.
I just don't understand how in the world she can remember to stay mad. That baffles my dh also.
Oh, I can sure see how the acid reflux would happen and affect your teeth. I think the stress hurts us in more ways than we even know.
You might be right about the eyes. I hadn't thought of that. It makes sense though that it probably is the pupils enlarging. It's the first thing I check when she enters a room, her eyes, and whether they are dark or light.
It's just so sad. You wish they understood enough to know that if the sweet little girl stayed around, I could handle it and she'd have a home here. But.....the screaming and accusing and put-downs, I just can't handle.
BarbaraH
02-15-2006, 12:57 PM
(((hugs))) Sandy,
I know just what you mean, too. My little mother would get a frown on her face and her eyes would be steely. It would be a difficult day.
The time has come to choose a ALF or NH, get your Mom's name on the list or just move her in if a place is available. There will be no good time or better time. Since your mother already cannot choose what to do for herself, she might do better in a NH or Alzheimer's facility. I first moved my mother into an ALF which was nice, but there were no activities aimed at the mentally impaired. She might have been better served in a facility that was attuned to the AD patient and had simple, pleasant activities planned. The ALF also was not secure and residents could come and go as they pleased - not good for an AD patient. I had to move Mom out 7 months later when she wandered out the front door at night.
If you do move your mother into an AD facility or NH, don't go to see her for a week. That was the wise policy at the NH where I moved Mom after the wandering episode. When we could visit, my Mom was happily adjusted. She was happy to see us, too, even though she didn't know us.
Start your investigation of places today or call the place you've chosen.
Since your mother lived in a mobile home, does she have furniture of her own? I wondered since so much of the furniture is built into many mobile homes. She may need her own furniture at some facilities and won't need much or any at others. Buy a laundry marker. All of her clothes will have to be labeled. Don't send anything delicate or pretty as the facility washers use a lot of bleach! You may have the choice of bringing her laundry to your house to wash. Don't send anything valuable. I bought 2 $10 rings for Mom and said I'd clean her real rings. After a few minutes, I gave her the cheap fakes in return. They were soon lost and I was glad the lost rings weren't the beautiful family rings. I left a colorful bead necklace with Mom and she wore it every day. When it was lost, it was no problem, I just bought another. Plan of things being lost, borrowed by someone else, or laundry misdelivered. It all evens out and your mother won't care less.
The situation at home will only get worse as long as your mother is there. You'll never know when or how intense the next episode will be. It's a regret that your mother cannot stay at your home. You tried and it worked for a while. You did well. When you first came here, we said the time would come when you could carry on no longer because it was too much, too dangerous, too exhausting, too frightening, or too upsetting. Perhaps that time has come. Sad, but true.
It's all about keeping your mother safe, warm, well fed, and not necessarily happy. She'll forget and be happy again.
More ((((((((hugs))))))))) Barbara :)
I know just what you mean, too. My little mother would get a frown on her face and her eyes would be steely. It would be a difficult day.
The time has come to choose a ALF or NH, get your Mom's name on the list or just move her in if a place is available. There will be no good time or better time. Since your mother already cannot choose what to do for herself, she might do better in a NH or Alzheimer's facility. I first moved my mother into an ALF which was nice, but there were no activities aimed at the mentally impaired. She might have been better served in a facility that was attuned to the AD patient and had simple, pleasant activities planned. The ALF also was not secure and residents could come and go as they pleased - not good for an AD patient. I had to move Mom out 7 months later when she wandered out the front door at night.
If you do move your mother into an AD facility or NH, don't go to see her for a week. That was the wise policy at the NH where I moved Mom after the wandering episode. When we could visit, my Mom was happily adjusted. She was happy to see us, too, even though she didn't know us.
Start your investigation of places today or call the place you've chosen.
Since your mother lived in a mobile home, does she have furniture of her own? I wondered since so much of the furniture is built into many mobile homes. She may need her own furniture at some facilities and won't need much or any at others. Buy a laundry marker. All of her clothes will have to be labeled. Don't send anything delicate or pretty as the facility washers use a lot of bleach! You may have the choice of bringing her laundry to your house to wash. Don't send anything valuable. I bought 2 $10 rings for Mom and said I'd clean her real rings. After a few minutes, I gave her the cheap fakes in return. They were soon lost and I was glad the lost rings weren't the beautiful family rings. I left a colorful bead necklace with Mom and she wore it every day. When it was lost, it was no problem, I just bought another. Plan of things being lost, borrowed by someone else, or laundry misdelivered. It all evens out and your mother won't care less.
The situation at home will only get worse as long as your mother is there. You'll never know when or how intense the next episode will be. It's a regret that your mother cannot stay at your home. You tried and it worked for a while. You did well. When you first came here, we said the time would come when you could carry on no longer because it was too much, too dangerous, too exhausting, too frightening, or too upsetting. Perhaps that time has come. Sad, but true.
It's all about keeping your mother safe, warm, well fed, and not necessarily happy. She'll forget and be happy again.
More ((((((((hugs))))))))) Barbara :)
Sandyspen
02-15-2006, 01:56 PM
Barbara,
I'm printing this post. I would never have thought of her jewelry. That's such a good idea. And marking her things.
She does have all her own furniture, so we could pick and choose what to keep and move with her.
She did so well yesterday, I thought the worst was over. But she has started it again this morning. Now, I'm trying subject-changing and other activities. Hope it works!
No Ebay shipping today!
Thanks for some great info!
I'm printing this post. I would never have thought of her jewelry. That's such a good idea. And marking her things.
She does have all her own furniture, so we could pick and choose what to keep and move with her.
She did so well yesterday, I thought the worst was over. But she has started it again this morning. Now, I'm trying subject-changing and other activities. Hope it works!
No Ebay shipping today!
Thanks for some great info!
BarbaraH
02-15-2006, 03:03 PM
ps - I had a couple of other thoughts. I made it a point to always use upbeat comments on the prospect of moving, on the appearance of the facility, and about the staff we met. I used words like happy, sunny, friendly, pleasant, lovely, pretty, and delightful. Not that I was always feeling that myself, but use of those words seemed to help Mom see things more favorably.
I remember when our older son was about 2 years old and I was leaving him at the church nursery at my mother's church. Another mother hugged her child and said, "Have a happy time! I'll come back and get you". I remember thinking how reassuring that was for the child. I started saying that to my sons. Similarly, I did with my mother at that stage of her life, too. I think it helped.
The other thing was that I pleasantly closed the doors to her staying in her home. I just said with regret that it wouldn't be safe, she'd be lonesome, and it was not possible. No debate. Sorry, this is best for right now. Why? because I love you.
It's hard, but it's necessary. Making new friends would be good for her, too.
Peace - Barbara :)
I remember when our older son was about 2 years old and I was leaving him at the church nursery at my mother's church. Another mother hugged her child and said, "Have a happy time! I'll come back and get you". I remember thinking how reassuring that was for the child. I started saying that to my sons. Similarly, I did with my mother at that stage of her life, too. I think it helped.
The other thing was that I pleasantly closed the doors to her staying in her home. I just said with regret that it wouldn't be safe, she'd be lonesome, and it was not possible. No debate. Sorry, this is best for right now. Why? because I love you.
It's hard, but it's necessary. Making new friends would be good for her, too.
Peace - Barbara :)
angel_bear
02-15-2006, 06:11 PM
ah .. just another thing ... madly erratic behaviour can be the sign of a Urinary Tract Infection too ..... I know my ex-charge went REALLY bizarre .. and voila ... UTI .....
and yes, the moon had a lot to do with things ...... even the nursing homes prepare for a full moon ... and windy weather can set them off as well .......
And yes, it's almost time for a Nursing Home. This other mean imposter will rear her head more and more often unless sedated .. that's what happened to my ex-charge .. she's now a gentle kitty cat but it's chemically induced as needed, as well as she no longer has the stress of keeping up appearances has helped as well.
The staff at the nursing home are TRAINED to deal with this nasty imposter. They know what steps need to be taken and how to react to 'moods', so don't be afraid, they will only look out for her .. restraining people is illegal, but chemical restraints are permitted when NEEDED .. not all the time.
Scary stuff isn't it? And that's what this disease does .. it lull's YOU into a false sense of security and then WHAMMO .. all the rules change but nobody informed you .. you have to keep one step ahead .. you've started .. you've noticed her eyes. I am worried that you need to be locked in your room .. how easy is escape? (in case of fire) I got to that stage where I barricaded the downstairs door so if she opened it the noise would wake me up .......
One time, I was leaning against the door keeping her out, and this frail tiny little old lady SLAMMED the door open .. now I'm not little by any stretch of the imagination, but MAN was she STRONG !! Our charges, when in 'a mood' become almost super human in strength, so be careful .. you noticed you couldn't appease her and you found out you couldn't .. the mood has to wear itself out ........and yes, that can take days, and yes, you have to watch yourself, because you WILL become resentful .. I know .. been there, done that .....
You have my sympathy and support .....
big hugs
Sally
and yes, the moon had a lot to do with things ...... even the nursing homes prepare for a full moon ... and windy weather can set them off as well .......
And yes, it's almost time for a Nursing Home. This other mean imposter will rear her head more and more often unless sedated .. that's what happened to my ex-charge .. she's now a gentle kitty cat but it's chemically induced as needed, as well as she no longer has the stress of keeping up appearances has helped as well.
The staff at the nursing home are TRAINED to deal with this nasty imposter. They know what steps need to be taken and how to react to 'moods', so don't be afraid, they will only look out for her .. restraining people is illegal, but chemical restraints are permitted when NEEDED .. not all the time.
Scary stuff isn't it? And that's what this disease does .. it lull's YOU into a false sense of security and then WHAMMO .. all the rules change but nobody informed you .. you have to keep one step ahead .. you've started .. you've noticed her eyes. I am worried that you need to be locked in your room .. how easy is escape? (in case of fire) I got to that stage where I barricaded the downstairs door so if she opened it the noise would wake me up .......
One time, I was leaning against the door keeping her out, and this frail tiny little old lady SLAMMED the door open .. now I'm not little by any stretch of the imagination, but MAN was she STRONG !! Our charges, when in 'a mood' become almost super human in strength, so be careful .. you noticed you couldn't appease her and you found out you couldn't .. the mood has to wear itself out ........and yes, that can take days, and yes, you have to watch yourself, because you WILL become resentful .. I know .. been there, done that .....
You have my sympathy and support .....
big hugs
Sally
Sandyspen
02-15-2006, 07:10 PM
Sally,
Yep, that was my dh's intention. I would hear if she was rattling the door to open it. Then, at least, I'd be awake and not have her standing over me in the dark. I think he's more afraid than I am.
We do have bars on the windows, but they swing open easily when you pull a lever, so I'm not really "stuck" in the bedroom. Just so I can wake on my own because she does wander at night, mostly between her bedroom and the restroom.
Exactly! Sometimes I feel resentful, then get so angry at myself. Then guilty for feeling it, what an awful cycle.
Yep, that was my dh's intention. I would hear if she was rattling the door to open it. Then, at least, I'd be awake and not have her standing over me in the dark. I think he's more afraid than I am.
We do have bars on the windows, but they swing open easily when you pull a lever, so I'm not really "stuck" in the bedroom. Just so I can wake on my own because she does wander at night, mostly between her bedroom and the restroom.
Exactly! Sometimes I feel resentful, then get so angry at myself. Then guilty for feeling it, what an awful cycle.
LuvMyLilDoggie
02-15-2006, 09:01 PM
Ah the guilt. And the feelings of all the bad stuff from childhood come back to haunt.....boy do I understand that!
I often refer back to when we first moved in with my dad. The way his AD was making him act was bringing up everything bad from my childhood. All the feelings I felt and hated to feel.
But one day I decided (as had I many times) that I was no longer going to allow myself to go back in time to a time that was very stressful and hurtful for me. I don't know how I did it. I think the time came where I had forgiven myself for allowing my elders to treat me that way. I couldn't have stopped them for anything. And I also choose to believe that someone who could have been so awful to me must have either learned that in their childhood or been hurt so bad that they couldn't be the "normal" family member. Maybe that's not the case. But it helps me to believe that. And then I can deal with today.
When Sally mentioned the UTI, I remembered that my dad had one shortly after we moved in with him. I didn't put 2 and 2 together at the time but he was terribly moody then. I think it's a good idea to take her to the doctor to be tested. I have heard there is a correlation between UTI and mood swings with dementia.
Lets hope the rest of the week is a pale blue.... ;)
Love, Barb
I often refer back to when we first moved in with my dad. The way his AD was making him act was bringing up everything bad from my childhood. All the feelings I felt and hated to feel.
But one day I decided (as had I many times) that I was no longer going to allow myself to go back in time to a time that was very stressful and hurtful for me. I don't know how I did it. I think the time came where I had forgiven myself for allowing my elders to treat me that way. I couldn't have stopped them for anything. And I also choose to believe that someone who could have been so awful to me must have either learned that in their childhood or been hurt so bad that they couldn't be the "normal" family member. Maybe that's not the case. But it helps me to believe that. And then I can deal with today.
When Sally mentioned the UTI, I remembered that my dad had one shortly after we moved in with him. I didn't put 2 and 2 together at the time but he was terribly moody then. I think it's a good idea to take her to the doctor to be tested. I have heard there is a correlation between UTI and mood swings with dementia.
Lets hope the rest of the week is a pale blue.... ;)
Love, Barb
Sandyspen
02-16-2006, 08:21 AM
Barb,
Oh, I can relate to that so much. The part of AD that makes her silent and pouting, just eats away at me sometimes. That was her response to me and my brothers as children.
Now, I just try to repeat over and over in my head, "this doesn't have anything to do with me." And, as an adult now, I'm trying to understand that it probably didn't have anything to do with me as a child. That was probably her way of coping from her own childhood. My .....what a tangled web! Very difficult!
We do have a doc appt for her blood pressure meds, so I'll mention this also. She asked me several times yesterday to please take her home but we didn't have the wild screaming like over the weekend. Thankfully!
Oh, I can relate to that so much. The part of AD that makes her silent and pouting, just eats away at me sometimes. That was her response to me and my brothers as children.
Now, I just try to repeat over and over in my head, "this doesn't have anything to do with me." And, as an adult now, I'm trying to understand that it probably didn't have anything to do with me as a child. That was probably her way of coping from her own childhood. My .....what a tangled web! Very difficult!
We do have a doc appt for her blood pressure meds, so I'll mention this also. She asked me several times yesterday to please take her home but we didn't have the wild screaming like over the weekend. Thankfully!
Sandyspen
02-18-2006, 01:30 PM
I'm not certain, but I think I might have figured this out. We hadn't had any problems with mom's anger or raging since going on Zoloft.
Thursday was horrendous! It got more vile with cursing and demanding and accusing. I bit my lip and listened, did not escalate it. Then she said she thought I was poisoning her. She had never been sick a day in her life and did not need pills. Why was I giving her pills?
I did remind her of the dizzy spells and the blood pressure. Nope, she said I was a liar, she was never sick. Said, she knew what was really in those pills..................argh!!!!!!
Every morning, I place her pills in a cup on the table. She always sits in the same place with lots of toys on that end of the table, coloring books, search n find, playing cards, etc. We always have our morning coffe together and just chat. I never thought to make certain she was taking those pills, just see that the cup is empty later.
So last night I'm cleaning around that area of the table and find a couple pills. She hadn't been taking them at all. Stashed among coloring books and crayons, I found Zoloft, the blood pressure meds and the Meclizine.
Good grief! Without Zoloft in the beginning, it was unbearable and I don't know how many she's not taken now. If she thought I was poisoning her.........
I just can't believe it. You know, I would rather have her under someone else's care than to have her think that of me. I was just devastated. We think we're doing our absolute best, and here i am........she wasn't even getting her meds.
Thursday was horrendous! It got more vile with cursing and demanding and accusing. I bit my lip and listened, did not escalate it. Then she said she thought I was poisoning her. She had never been sick a day in her life and did not need pills. Why was I giving her pills?
I did remind her of the dizzy spells and the blood pressure. Nope, she said I was a liar, she was never sick. Said, she knew what was really in those pills..................argh!!!!!!
Every morning, I place her pills in a cup on the table. She always sits in the same place with lots of toys on that end of the table, coloring books, search n find, playing cards, etc. We always have our morning coffe together and just chat. I never thought to make certain she was taking those pills, just see that the cup is empty later.
So last night I'm cleaning around that area of the table and find a couple pills. She hadn't been taking them at all. Stashed among coloring books and crayons, I found Zoloft, the blood pressure meds and the Meclizine.
Good grief! Without Zoloft in the beginning, it was unbearable and I don't know how many she's not taken now. If she thought I was poisoning her.........
I just can't believe it. You know, I would rather have her under someone else's care than to have her think that of me. I was just devastated. We think we're doing our absolute best, and here i am........she wasn't even getting her meds.
Martha H
02-18-2006, 03:04 PM
Yes. She may or may not even know that she hid them among the coloring books. If she thinks you are trying to poison her, she will not take her meds. How can you get her to take them? I wish I had an answer for you. Not everything can be mashed up in applesauce ... but it is serious to just leave them out. This is one more reason to get help for her, professional help. If the NH suspects a person isn't taking their meds, a nurse stands there until they have all been swallowed. Usually the patient accepts the nurse as an authority, while a daughter is just 'meddling in Mom's business'.
I'm glad you found the reason for her behavior, and hope you can also find a way to stop it!
Love,
Martha
I'm glad you found the reason for her behavior, and hope you can also find a way to stop it!
Love,
Martha
Sandyspen
02-18-2006, 05:26 PM
I did try that this morning, standing and watching and she took it when she knew I was watching. But, yes, I know that I can't do it. Finally..........
She hadn't had any of the screaming rages in front of my husband until this morning. Oh my.......he was upset.
He called my brothers, we have a list of those small group homes in our area, and they are all out visiting them today!
We're going to do all the checking we can. But I know that I'll have to let-go and place her in the next couple weeks. The rages are escalating to the point of being afraid to be alone with her now.
I'm just trembling at the thought. I can't believe it has come to this.
She hadn't had any of the screaming rages in front of my husband until this morning. Oh my.......he was upset.
He called my brothers, we have a list of those small group homes in our area, and they are all out visiting them today!
We're going to do all the checking we can. But I know that I'll have to let-go and place her in the next couple weeks. The rages are escalating to the point of being afraid to be alone with her now.
I'm just trembling at the thought. I can't believe it has come to this.
cyt
02-18-2006, 05:32 PM
Just when I thought I was having a bad day..... I read your post. You dear thing, it's horrible to go through! My best friend's Mom had AD and no matter where she lived would always, always say she wanted to go home and she would start packing her things. One night she did leave the senior apt. complex and they had to call the police. It was frightening, to say the least. They finally found her outside wandering around. Shortly after that they placed her in an assisted living place. I wish you the best finding a place for your Mom and having the nerve to get her there. You will be going on a guilt trip for awhile. It's only natural. But you've done your best and that's all anyone can do. Keep us posted. Cindy
BarbaraH
02-18-2006, 06:26 PM
Sandy, it is hard to believe a sweet little lady could become a ball of fire, isn't it?? I well remember! I hope today's search found a safe haven for your dear mother.
My Mom didn't want to leave her home either, but I prevailed. She did love her pretty apartment with her LR, DR, and BR furniture and the sunshine at the ALF. She soon forgot that she wanted to go home and forgot her car. She was happy there and that is how she forgave me for taking her home and car away and relieved my guilt.
7 months later, my mother wandered away from her ALF at about 9pm one night and was found walking in the middle of the street, using her walker and full steam ahead. The person who found her was a night shift employee at the ALF (thank you, Jesus!) and she stopped her car, got Mom and her walker inside, and took her back. I got a call the next day that she'd have to be moved to a locked unit since she'd gotten to the wandering stage. Up until then, Mom had stayed inside after dark and talked with whoever was working at the front desk! A week later we moved her to a NH with a locked unit. Her world had shrunk to a shared room and a day room. I had never considered that a locked unit would be needed - especially just 8 months since she had lived alone and driven her car. It just broke my heart, but Mom was as happy as duck in water in that small setting. She was happy. What more could I ask for?
Wishing you all well as you struggle to let go of the duty you see as yours because you're the daughter or the responsible daughter. As has been said, the safety of an ALF or NH lets these loved ones relax and stop their struggle to function in an upside down world.
Blessings all - Barbara
My Mom didn't want to leave her home either, but I prevailed. She did love her pretty apartment with her LR, DR, and BR furniture and the sunshine at the ALF. She soon forgot that she wanted to go home and forgot her car. She was happy there and that is how she forgave me for taking her home and car away and relieved my guilt.
7 months later, my mother wandered away from her ALF at about 9pm one night and was found walking in the middle of the street, using her walker and full steam ahead. The person who found her was a night shift employee at the ALF (thank you, Jesus!) and she stopped her car, got Mom and her walker inside, and took her back. I got a call the next day that she'd have to be moved to a locked unit since she'd gotten to the wandering stage. Up until then, Mom had stayed inside after dark and talked with whoever was working at the front desk! A week later we moved her to a NH with a locked unit. Her world had shrunk to a shared room and a day room. I had never considered that a locked unit would be needed - especially just 8 months since she had lived alone and driven her car. It just broke my heart, but Mom was as happy as duck in water in that small setting. She was happy. What more could I ask for?
Wishing you all well as you struggle to let go of the duty you see as yours because you're the daughter or the responsible daughter. As has been said, the safety of an ALF or NH lets these loved ones relax and stop their struggle to function in an upside down world.
Blessings all - Barbara
Sandyspen
02-20-2006, 09:53 AM
I've tried writing in my journal but it just isn't the same as writing to someone that understands. I've been crying for 2 days, and I swear, I can't stop.
My dh found a group home, not more than 5 blocks from me that he thought was wonderful. Yeah, what does a man know. I said I'd think about it.
Mom wakes us at 4am yesterday morning, screaming, raging, she wants to go home. I haven't seen the "little girl," or pale blue eyes in 10 day now! She wants to call my brothers, they will take her home. She says I've kidnapped her and they don't know it, among other horrible cussing and name calling. I walked over to her to try to get her to sit down, so we can talk and she hits me. I was so stunned. She's never been violent physically, just verbally.
DH jumps up and tries to calm her, I head to my bedroom wailing. I swear, I must have looked like a 2 year old, myself. I just lost it, couldn't stop crying. DH brings the phone and the number for the group home and says, "just call them"
The sweetest lady answered the phone. I'm blubbering like an idiot, "my mom thinks I'm poisoning her. She hasn't ate in 2 days. I don't know when she took her pills last, she's hiding them. She hit me and I don't know what to do? The "little girl" never comes back anymore!"
She asks me why mom is so angry. I say she wants to go home. The lady was very consoling and said the "little girl" might not come back when they start wanting to go home sometimes the little girl doesn't come back. It can last a long time. Her doc might need to give her more/different meds. She had someone leave yesterday, and generally there is a waiting list, but to bring Mom right now. Then, I really lost it.
I asked her how much (I had seen $1500 on one of the lists, but AD is $3,000. But, she said I need to bring Mom now. For a couple weeks, a month, I can always move her later but I need to bring her so I can rest.
You know, what bothered me so bad is that money was even a concern. This is my mother. I'm guilty that I can't handle her, now guilty because I can't conserve all this money for my brothers. I can't believe how confused and torn and upset, I felt like I was every bit as confused as Mom. I tell her I'll call back.
DH says "we're taking here there?" He said he wouldn't be able to work knowing that it had become so scarey. I tell ya, it felt like I was being just ripped apart. Take her, don't take her, save the money, spend the money, I can't soothe her, she isn't eating. I even tried a "honey bun," just to get something in her and she threw it at me. By now, mom has gone back to bed.
I called the lady back and told her that we'd bring her within the hour. DH woke mom and told her we were going to visit friends. It's just a couple blocks away and a nice big brick home. Mom gets out without concern. The lady is waiting out front. She takes mom's arm and introduces herself and we go inside, 5 ladies about mom's age were in the living room watching a wide-screen tv. They were happy and smiling and meeting mom. I'm remembering barb's words and searching for smells and odors. I mean, what does a man know about where your mom will live!
No odors. Everyone is dressed and happy. The home is spotless. She takes us through every single room. 10 bedrooms. 7 bathrooms. 3 showers with big, wide seating in each one for those who can't stand. I feel numb. A patio with bright pretty plants and flowers. An excercise area and a walkway that circles to a side door. All doors have alarms. Mirrors on the top of each hallway, so she can watch every hallway from anywhere in the house. She insists that dh inspect every single room.
She tells mom to follow her daughter down the hall to her new room. Mom says, "that's not my daughter. I don't know her." Tears are coming again. I can feel it! Gursen (the lady) says, well your daughter will be here tomorrow. No worries. She takes mom's arm and we go to her room.
It's gorgeous. Mom loves the shabby-chic style and this is it! White curtains with lots of pink cabbage roses. A comforter all in pink and white and a chenille floral throw at the foot of the bed. White furniture, dainty lamps, a private bath as big as our main bathroom. And it's so bright and cheery. I know I saw a crack of a smile.
But she says, "I can't stay here now. I need to ask my family."
I said, "Mom, R and T think it's fine. They want you to stay here."
She looks me right in the eye and says, "Yes, but you need to call Sandy." (ME) "She knows if this will be okay. Will you call Sandy and tell her that I'm here." She doesn't even know who I am and I didn't even know it.
She didn't want to stay but she stayed because I would call Sandy. I tell ya, I've been crying ever since. It was so devastating for her to look at me and not know me.
I can honestly say the last 10 days have been the most horrible of my life. Gursen told me that she knows how to take care of Mom and mom will be happy. I didn't go to school to learn to take care of Ad and I did the best I could. But it was time to let someone else do it now.
I know she's right. I guess I'll just cry for awhile. So many horrible experiences all at one time. Surely God will take pity on us caregivers and help us mend. This is horrible.
I called to check on her after 2 hours. Gursen said she was eating dinner with everyone else, talking to them and just fine. She had already taken her meds and in a couple hours she would give her a Tylenol and she would sleep like a baby. Gursen said mom wanted to know how much it would cost, and she told her that she was so helpful, she wouldn't even charge her. Mom was elated!
Don't worry, she said!
Oh my! What a relief! Now if I can stop crying. I'll be all right too.
My dh found a group home, not more than 5 blocks from me that he thought was wonderful. Yeah, what does a man know. I said I'd think about it.
Mom wakes us at 4am yesterday morning, screaming, raging, she wants to go home. I haven't seen the "little girl," or pale blue eyes in 10 day now! She wants to call my brothers, they will take her home. She says I've kidnapped her and they don't know it, among other horrible cussing and name calling. I walked over to her to try to get her to sit down, so we can talk and she hits me. I was so stunned. She's never been violent physically, just verbally.
DH jumps up and tries to calm her, I head to my bedroom wailing. I swear, I must have looked like a 2 year old, myself. I just lost it, couldn't stop crying. DH brings the phone and the number for the group home and says, "just call them"
The sweetest lady answered the phone. I'm blubbering like an idiot, "my mom thinks I'm poisoning her. She hasn't ate in 2 days. I don't know when she took her pills last, she's hiding them. She hit me and I don't know what to do? The "little girl" never comes back anymore!"
She asks me why mom is so angry. I say she wants to go home. The lady was very consoling and said the "little girl" might not come back when they start wanting to go home sometimes the little girl doesn't come back. It can last a long time. Her doc might need to give her more/different meds. She had someone leave yesterday, and generally there is a waiting list, but to bring Mom right now. Then, I really lost it.
I asked her how much (I had seen $1500 on one of the lists, but AD is $3,000. But, she said I need to bring Mom now. For a couple weeks, a month, I can always move her later but I need to bring her so I can rest.
You know, what bothered me so bad is that money was even a concern. This is my mother. I'm guilty that I can't handle her, now guilty because I can't conserve all this money for my brothers. I can't believe how confused and torn and upset, I felt like I was every bit as confused as Mom. I tell her I'll call back.
DH says "we're taking here there?" He said he wouldn't be able to work knowing that it had become so scarey. I tell ya, it felt like I was being just ripped apart. Take her, don't take her, save the money, spend the money, I can't soothe her, she isn't eating. I even tried a "honey bun," just to get something in her and she threw it at me. By now, mom has gone back to bed.
I called the lady back and told her that we'd bring her within the hour. DH woke mom and told her we were going to visit friends. It's just a couple blocks away and a nice big brick home. Mom gets out without concern. The lady is waiting out front. She takes mom's arm and introduces herself and we go inside, 5 ladies about mom's age were in the living room watching a wide-screen tv. They were happy and smiling and meeting mom. I'm remembering barb's words and searching for smells and odors. I mean, what does a man know about where your mom will live!
No odors. Everyone is dressed and happy. The home is spotless. She takes us through every single room. 10 bedrooms. 7 bathrooms. 3 showers with big, wide seating in each one for those who can't stand. I feel numb. A patio with bright pretty plants and flowers. An excercise area and a walkway that circles to a side door. All doors have alarms. Mirrors on the top of each hallway, so she can watch every hallway from anywhere in the house. She insists that dh inspect every single room.
She tells mom to follow her daughter down the hall to her new room. Mom says, "that's not my daughter. I don't know her." Tears are coming again. I can feel it! Gursen (the lady) says, well your daughter will be here tomorrow. No worries. She takes mom's arm and we go to her room.
It's gorgeous. Mom loves the shabby-chic style and this is it! White curtains with lots of pink cabbage roses. A comforter all in pink and white and a chenille floral throw at the foot of the bed. White furniture, dainty lamps, a private bath as big as our main bathroom. And it's so bright and cheery. I know I saw a crack of a smile.
But she says, "I can't stay here now. I need to ask my family."
I said, "Mom, R and T think it's fine. They want you to stay here."
She looks me right in the eye and says, "Yes, but you need to call Sandy." (ME) "She knows if this will be okay. Will you call Sandy and tell her that I'm here." She doesn't even know who I am and I didn't even know it.
She didn't want to stay but she stayed because I would call Sandy. I tell ya, I've been crying ever since. It was so devastating for her to look at me and not know me.
I can honestly say the last 10 days have been the most horrible of my life. Gursen told me that she knows how to take care of Mom and mom will be happy. I didn't go to school to learn to take care of Ad and I did the best I could. But it was time to let someone else do it now.
I know she's right. I guess I'll just cry for awhile. So many horrible experiences all at one time. Surely God will take pity on us caregivers and help us mend. This is horrible.
I called to check on her after 2 hours. Gursen said she was eating dinner with everyone else, talking to them and just fine. She had already taken her meds and in a couple hours she would give her a Tylenol and she would sleep like a baby. Gursen said mom wanted to know how much it would cost, and she told her that she was so helpful, she wouldn't even charge her. Mom was elated!
Don't worry, she said!
Oh my! What a relief! Now if I can stop crying. I'll be all right too.
Martha H
02-20-2006, 10:58 AM
Dear Sandy,
this was the best thing you could have done for your Mom. Believe me, she will be happy there. Above all, the stranger, the imposter, who yells at you and hits you and does not even know that you are her loving, caring daughter is out of your house! Thank God.
Love and prayers,
Martha
PS the cost is VERY reasonable ... in NY Mom is paying $11,000 a month. I wish I could move her to wherever your Mom is! Her money would have lasted nearly 4x as long there, maybe even her whole life.
this was the best thing you could have done for your Mom. Believe me, she will be happy there. Above all, the stranger, the imposter, who yells at you and hits you and does not even know that you are her loving, caring daughter is out of your house! Thank God.
Love and prayers,
Martha
PS the cost is VERY reasonable ... in NY Mom is paying $11,000 a month. I wish I could move her to wherever your Mom is! Her money would have lasted nearly 4x as long there, maybe even her whole life.
BarbaraH
02-20-2006, 04:22 PM
(((((((((((((((((Dear heart))))))))))))))))),
I completely understand. I was so sure that my mother could never forget me - her only child - and she did. It is heartbreaking, as I know. Consider this, your mother knows your name and the names of your brothers. Just as she did not realize that YOU are Sandy, she may have lost the connection that lets her recognize the boys, too. Like your name, they may be only names, too.
When all of this was going on in my life, I was alone in Va and my family was in Tx. I called home every night and bawled long distance. Tears are part of healing. It's okay. It amazed me then and amazes me now that Mom usually happily cooperated with the staff at the ALF and NH even though she'd fought me on the same issues. I've worked with plenty of difficult people in difficult circumstances and that didn't help me one bit with Mom. Go figure.
The group home that your DH found sounds unbelievably lovely and perfect!! I am so happy that you can close your eyes and see your mother's pretty room, the kind, caring lady who runs the home, and other residents who are clean, pleasant, and content. What a gift you have given your mother! She's happy and what more can you hope for? Think about this as the tears well up.
Be gentle with yourself. You've been through wartime trauma in the last weeks. When the guilt nags at you, tell yourself how you tried, tried, and tried again despite everything. Then tell yourself about the cabbage roses and sweet decor - and the pleasant odor! You, your hubby, and your brothers did very well. Mom is safe and happy. You did the best you could and it has ended well!! Applause!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Guilt is a choice. Refuse it. Me, I stencilled around the top of the walls in Mom's apartment living room, dining room, and above the backsplash in the kitchenette to work off my guilt!!! Then I told those guilty thoughts to be gone!! Try it.
Cheers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Barbara :D
I completely understand. I was so sure that my mother could never forget me - her only child - and she did. It is heartbreaking, as I know. Consider this, your mother knows your name and the names of your brothers. Just as she did not realize that YOU are Sandy, she may have lost the connection that lets her recognize the boys, too. Like your name, they may be only names, too.
When all of this was going on in my life, I was alone in Va and my family was in Tx. I called home every night and bawled long distance. Tears are part of healing. It's okay. It amazed me then and amazes me now that Mom usually happily cooperated with the staff at the ALF and NH even though she'd fought me on the same issues. I've worked with plenty of difficult people in difficult circumstances and that didn't help me one bit with Mom. Go figure.
The group home that your DH found sounds unbelievably lovely and perfect!! I am so happy that you can close your eyes and see your mother's pretty room, the kind, caring lady who runs the home, and other residents who are clean, pleasant, and content. What a gift you have given your mother! She's happy and what more can you hope for? Think about this as the tears well up.
Be gentle with yourself. You've been through wartime trauma in the last weeks. When the guilt nags at you, tell yourself how you tried, tried, and tried again despite everything. Then tell yourself about the cabbage roses and sweet decor - and the pleasant odor! You, your hubby, and your brothers did very well. Mom is safe and happy. You did the best you could and it has ended well!! Applause!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Guilt is a choice. Refuse it. Me, I stencilled around the top of the walls in Mom's apartment living room, dining room, and above the backsplash in the kitchenette to work off my guilt!!! Then I told those guilty thoughts to be gone!! Try it.
Cheers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Barbara :D
LuvMyLilDoggie
02-20-2006, 05:54 PM
She doesn't even know who I am and I didn't even know it.
Hi Sandy! I guess I'm seeing things in a little bit different light here.
You're so close to the situation that maybe you don't see a little bit of something that's positive in what you posted. All this time your mother was calling you names, hitting you and accusing you of the awfulest of things, she didn't know it was you. So the things she was doing and saying were NOT directed at you. You've taken all this stuff to heart thinking that's how your mom feels about you now. And that's not so.
She looks me right in the eye and says, "Yes, but you need to call Sandy." (ME) "She knows if this will be okay. Will you call Sandy and tell her that I'm here."
Your mom saying this tells me that she values your opinion and trusts that you will do what's best for her. SHE TRUSTS YOU! And believe me. She knows you won't do her wrong. She'll do better with people her own age around and being just a few blocks away, you can visit her as often as you like. And she'll love that. She'll relax there and not feel in the way. She'll eat well and take her meds.
Obviously, her being in your home isn't best for any of you. And the fact that she wasn't eating or taking her meds could well be why she was behaving the way she was. DONT feel guilty! And don't worry about siblings. They'll take care of themselves. Take care of YOU and the rest will fall into place.
Love, Barb
Hi Sandy! I guess I'm seeing things in a little bit different light here.
You're so close to the situation that maybe you don't see a little bit of something that's positive in what you posted. All this time your mother was calling you names, hitting you and accusing you of the awfulest of things, she didn't know it was you. So the things she was doing and saying were NOT directed at you. You've taken all this stuff to heart thinking that's how your mom feels about you now. And that's not so.
She looks me right in the eye and says, "Yes, but you need to call Sandy." (ME) "She knows if this will be okay. Will you call Sandy and tell her that I'm here."
Your mom saying this tells me that she values your opinion and trusts that you will do what's best for her. SHE TRUSTS YOU! And believe me. She knows you won't do her wrong. She'll do better with people her own age around and being just a few blocks away, you can visit her as often as you like. And she'll love that. She'll relax there and not feel in the way. She'll eat well and take her meds.
Obviously, her being in your home isn't best for any of you. And the fact that she wasn't eating or taking her meds could well be why she was behaving the way she was. DONT feel guilty! And don't worry about siblings. They'll take care of themselves. Take care of YOU and the rest will fall into place.
Love, Barb
Martha H
02-20-2006, 07:00 PM
This is such a great insight Barb. Yes. Sandy's Mom LOVES Sandy - she just didn't trust "that other woman" she suddenly was with. She didn't know her as Sandy. Maybe she sees Sandy in her mind as a much younger woman or a teenager. No wonder she was so upset.
Sandy, this is the best insight I've found yet on this Board. The Imposter is not only an Imposter, but a displaced person. She doesn't know who YOU are. You are an Imposter to her. MY goodness. What a horrible disease.
Martha
Sandy, this is the best insight I've found yet on this Board. The Imposter is not only an Imposter, but a displaced person. She doesn't know who YOU are. You are an Imposter to her. MY goodness. What a horrible disease.
Martha
BarbaraH
02-20-2006, 09:05 PM
Bingo, Barb! Mom told me I was too old to be Barbara and that the man in the picture was too old to be her Shep. She mentally youthened and even became too young to have children herself. My mother became concerned that her mother didn't know where she was. Maybe your mother is heading that way, too, Sandy. Her Sandy may be far younger than you are to her way of thinking.
((hugs)) Barbara :)
((hugs)) Barbara :)
Sandyspen
02-21-2006, 12:37 AM
Hi all!
I'm feeling so much better this evening. This morning, I thought I'd never feel better again. From all the crying around here, my furniture should have floated away. I just couldn't stop. My daughters were on the phone with me and nothing seemed to help. I guess I just had to get it out of my system.
I had to go back this morning to take the paperwork to the NH. (I'll call it that, I don't know what you call it really.)She just wanted me out of there yesterday, to calm mom and me too.
Mom did have a bad night. Woke them all at 3am, same stuff, wanted to go home. G gave me a long lecture to prepare me in case Mom didn't know who I was. She also said that the Zoloft Mom is taking is a small doze for early AD and anxiety. It just isn't what she needs right now. G is an RN and said several doctors (geratric specialists) work with her. They're all close by, she can call and let them know what's going on, they will change meds on the phone for her, even make house-calls in case of an emergency and wanted to know if I might feel okay about changing mom's doc.
Her other doctor is 30 miles away, a gp, and not someone that G could reach by phone at any time. It sounds good to me. She gave me a list of names so we still choose which doctor.
I'm really starting to like this place. She told me exactly what to say if Mom asked to go home and what to tell her when I left. And gave orders that my brothers were to do exactly the same when they come.
Mom was better too. She did know me today and introduced me to some of the ladies. (thought she didn't know they're names.) They're buddies now. She finally had lost that desparate look of total fright that was in her eyes yesterday. What a relief. I couldn't sleep for thinking of how frightened she looked.
She told me that some strangers had kidnapped her and dropped her there and stole her purse. (I never thought about bringing her purse.)She didn't have any idea who they were.
She didn't want to stay there, but she didn't have one bad word to say about the place. Their food is great. Her room is gorgeous. G likes her a lot. The workers are fun and tease her. They're cleaning all the time. But she doesn't want to stay.
When I left, I told her exactly what G told me to say. And she stood arm in arm with G......waved at me and said, "Bye bye. See you later."
I took the deepest breath I've had in a week as I walked down that driveway. Oh lordy, what a relief.
This lady (G) has had this home for 16 years and I tell ya, she's got it nailed down. These people just love her. Mom told me at least 10 times, "I think G really likes me." It made her feel so good.
I think you're right about the impostor/impostor thing. Mom probably thinks I'm the impostor at times. Sometimes she'd ask my age and when I told her 59, she would always say, "OH, come on......" Like she knew I really wasn't.
I wonder now if their knowledge of us doesn't come and go sporadically and we don't realize it. G told me today that it would be that way, especially when she gets on the stronger meds that she needs.
I think after my 2 day crying spell, and seeing her happy with this place, I can handle that.
I can't even imagine having gone through any of this without this place. I would probably have to be in a nh, too, right now, if I hadn't had all the kindness and knowledge and understanding that I've gotten here.
Thank you so much for being here! I'm finally getting better. I think I am.
I'm feeling so much better this evening. This morning, I thought I'd never feel better again. From all the crying around here, my furniture should have floated away. I just couldn't stop. My daughters were on the phone with me and nothing seemed to help. I guess I just had to get it out of my system.
I had to go back this morning to take the paperwork to the NH. (I'll call it that, I don't know what you call it really.)She just wanted me out of there yesterday, to calm mom and me too.
Mom did have a bad night. Woke them all at 3am, same stuff, wanted to go home. G gave me a long lecture to prepare me in case Mom didn't know who I was. She also said that the Zoloft Mom is taking is a small doze for early AD and anxiety. It just isn't what she needs right now. G is an RN and said several doctors (geratric specialists) work with her. They're all close by, she can call and let them know what's going on, they will change meds on the phone for her, even make house-calls in case of an emergency and wanted to know if I might feel okay about changing mom's doc.
Her other doctor is 30 miles away, a gp, and not someone that G could reach by phone at any time. It sounds good to me. She gave me a list of names so we still choose which doctor.
I'm really starting to like this place. She told me exactly what to say if Mom asked to go home and what to tell her when I left. And gave orders that my brothers were to do exactly the same when they come.
Mom was better too. She did know me today and introduced me to some of the ladies. (thought she didn't know they're names.) They're buddies now. She finally had lost that desparate look of total fright that was in her eyes yesterday. What a relief. I couldn't sleep for thinking of how frightened she looked.
She told me that some strangers had kidnapped her and dropped her there and stole her purse. (I never thought about bringing her purse.)She didn't have any idea who they were.
She didn't want to stay there, but she didn't have one bad word to say about the place. Their food is great. Her room is gorgeous. G likes her a lot. The workers are fun and tease her. They're cleaning all the time. But she doesn't want to stay.
When I left, I told her exactly what G told me to say. And she stood arm in arm with G......waved at me and said, "Bye bye. See you later."
I took the deepest breath I've had in a week as I walked down that driveway. Oh lordy, what a relief.
This lady (G) has had this home for 16 years and I tell ya, she's got it nailed down. These people just love her. Mom told me at least 10 times, "I think G really likes me." It made her feel so good.
I think you're right about the impostor/impostor thing. Mom probably thinks I'm the impostor at times. Sometimes she'd ask my age and when I told her 59, she would always say, "OH, come on......" Like she knew I really wasn't.
I wonder now if their knowledge of us doesn't come and go sporadically and we don't realize it. G told me today that it would be that way, especially when she gets on the stronger meds that she needs.
I think after my 2 day crying spell, and seeing her happy with this place, I can handle that.
I can't even imagine having gone through any of this without this place. I would probably have to be in a nh, too, right now, if I hadn't had all the kindness and knowledge and understanding that I've gotten here.
Thank you so much for being here! I'm finally getting better. I think I am.
BarbaraH
02-21-2006, 01:13 AM
Sandy,
I'm so glad all has worked out so well!!
Sleep well and sweet dreams!!
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) Barbara :)
I'm so glad all has worked out so well!!
Sleep well and sweet dreams!!
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) Barbara :)
ToBeFreeToRoam
02-21-2006, 02:19 AM
Hi Sandy,
I really feel for you!!! You have been thru the wringer here lately. I bet that you are just about cried out and are very tired. Take care of you, now!!!!! You need to put you first, now that your mom is in such a good home. Watch after your health, mentally and physically - or you will get sick...
You have such a good husband to help so much with getting your mom placed and watching after you. He was afraid for you - that your mom would hurt you and not just mentally. I am not looking forward to what you just went thru.
So, where your mom is now living and being cared for, is a sort of group home? Not a large living center? How many would you say live there? Perhaps I should look into some of those, type places. I guess that sometimes we just have to do, what we and our parents do not want us to do. And look what happened: everything turned out just fine and probably for the better (much better for all concerned!).
Take care and give your husband a great big kiss and hug. And pat yourself on the back. And if your mom will let you, give her a great big hug, too!!! :>
Love, Wannabe
I really feel for you!!! You have been thru the wringer here lately. I bet that you are just about cried out and are very tired. Take care of you, now!!!!! You need to put you first, now that your mom is in such a good home. Watch after your health, mentally and physically - or you will get sick...
You have such a good husband to help so much with getting your mom placed and watching after you. He was afraid for you - that your mom would hurt you and not just mentally. I am not looking forward to what you just went thru.
So, where your mom is now living and being cared for, is a sort of group home? Not a large living center? How many would you say live there? Perhaps I should look into some of those, type places. I guess that sometimes we just have to do, what we and our parents do not want us to do. And look what happened: everything turned out just fine and probably for the better (much better for all concerned!).
Take care and give your husband a great big kiss and hug. And pat yourself on the back. And if your mom will let you, give her a great big hug, too!!! :>
Love, Wannabe
angel_bear
02-21-2006, 03:15 AM
WOW !!!!!!!!!!
Yes, that's all it takes, that final straw to make the decision ... and a wise one at that. Sandy, she will settle, I promise you, however, visits from family members may dredge up the "I want to go home" storyline too, so be careful with your visits and don't try and overcompensate.
Your guilt is your grief .... your Mum is safe, YOU are safe .. all's right with the world. It's not ideal .. no .. far from it. Ideal would be to have your Mum back, normal and behaving as expected, but alas, the imposter appears to have won the majority battle.
Blasted imposter ... !!!
Sorry I haven't had much input in this, but my modem broke and I had to wait until a friend posted up a new one ..... I am so PROUD of you for making a HARD decision, but a WISE decision ....
Oh and your Mum's facility is an Adult Family Home .. (AFH) value for money if you ask me!!
Big Cheery hugs .......... well done!
Sally
Yes, that's all it takes, that final straw to make the decision ... and a wise one at that. Sandy, she will settle, I promise you, however, visits from family members may dredge up the "I want to go home" storyline too, so be careful with your visits and don't try and overcompensate.
Your guilt is your grief .... your Mum is safe, YOU are safe .. all's right with the world. It's not ideal .. no .. far from it. Ideal would be to have your Mum back, normal and behaving as expected, but alas, the imposter appears to have won the majority battle.
Blasted imposter ... !!!
Sorry I haven't had much input in this, but my modem broke and I had to wait until a friend posted up a new one ..... I am so PROUD of you for making a HARD decision, but a WISE decision ....
Oh and your Mum's facility is an Adult Family Home .. (AFH) value for money if you ask me!!
Big Cheery hugs .......... well done!
Sally
Martha H
02-21-2006, 07:47 AM
The adult family home seems like a wonderful solution. If we had known about such places several months ago ... if there are any on Long Island ... we could have spent only 1/3 as much of Mom's money. But since she is likely to survive for quite some time yet, it would still be used up in the end and we'd have to apply for Medicaid anyway. It also sounds like a friendlier place. I'm so glad your Mom is settling in. She will be fine. Maybe it's good to stay away for a week. let her get used to being there, then come to see her.
love,
Martha
love,
Martha
Sandyspen
02-21-2006, 09:15 AM
Good morning!
I think I slept through the whole night for the first time in 2 weeks. It felt great, Barbara, to wake up and really feel refreshed. You know, I didn't realize in how many ways we neglect ourselves while taking care of others.
Wannabe, this house is 10 bedrooms (10 residents.) They each have their own room, 5 have their own bathroom. It's $3,000 with the bathroom and $2750 w/out their own bathroom. But there is a waiting list. She only took Mom because we were in such dire straits and someone had left the day before and it happened to be one with a bathroom. She said if we wanted to move her later when one w/out a bathroom emptied up, we could do that.
Actually, it wouldn't really matter, either. Because there is a bathroom, in the hallway, outside each bedroom.
You know, Sally, that is what she said. I didn't even remember it. Adult Family Home. They took a large home and just remodeled it. This lady owns two of them. And, I think she's been doing it so long, it's like she knows every need and filled it! The house is just designed awesome! It's big and open and airy when you enter. The living room and dining room. Then 5 short, wide hallways, sort of like a pie shape. The way the mirrors are set up, you can stand anywhere in that house and see every inch of the house except inside the rooms. They're on the ceiling, so the patients aren't even aware that they are there. But if you need G, you can look up at the mirrors and give her a nod. She's always watching, like a hawk. lol!
Martha, I really found this place accidentally. I did a search for nh and put in my zipcode and these places came up. The two of them are only 5-6 blocks from me. I was impressed by the cheaper rates which were $1500. And was going to check them out, thinking they might not be up to par. Of course, that rate didn't apply to AD, but they were great when my dh checked.
I was surprised, too, that she wanted me to visit. I was prepared to stay away for a week. She wants you to visit but....it's on her terms. And, I mean, she's watching you all the time. I think if you broke her rules, she'd send you running. This lady is from Turkey, has a deep accent and she's just adorable. She calls the patients her people. And she'll tell you, "I don't want you to upset my people."
When I went back to Mom's room the first time, we were chatting and I glanced out the window at these wonderful gardens. There was G, she just happened to be watering right outside mom's window. She was prepared to step in if mom started crying or getting angry or anything. She said when mom settles in, she would let up, but till then, no. She doesn't like her people upset.
When I get ready to leave, I always dread it, not knowing how mom will handle it or I will handle it, or if tears will flow. Magically, as you head for the door, G always appears.....takes mom's arm and has her arm around her. Says, "Tell daughter bye bye...see you later." Mom smiles and does it! Then, she opens the door and you're out of there. No long goodbyes.
She always tells me, it will be better later. When she has proper meds and settles in, it will be better. She'll allow me more freedom with her. But we're going to do it her way for now. She's worried about my brothers, but they may not even visit until she is settled in. I have called them but neither of them have called me back yet and they don't have the address, so I know they can't visit until they call me.
It works, mom's happy, I don't have all that guilt of abandoning her. It's just such a relief.
So far, this is a good thing. As Martha Stewart would say.
I think I slept through the whole night for the first time in 2 weeks. It felt great, Barbara, to wake up and really feel refreshed. You know, I didn't realize in how many ways we neglect ourselves while taking care of others.
Wannabe, this house is 10 bedrooms (10 residents.) They each have their own room, 5 have their own bathroom. It's $3,000 with the bathroom and $2750 w/out their own bathroom. But there is a waiting list. She only took Mom because we were in such dire straits and someone had left the day before and it happened to be one with a bathroom. She said if we wanted to move her later when one w/out a bathroom emptied up, we could do that.
Actually, it wouldn't really matter, either. Because there is a bathroom, in the hallway, outside each bedroom.
You know, Sally, that is what she said. I didn't even remember it. Adult Family Home. They took a large home and just remodeled it. This lady owns two of them. And, I think she's been doing it so long, it's like she knows every need and filled it! The house is just designed awesome! It's big and open and airy when you enter. The living room and dining room. Then 5 short, wide hallways, sort of like a pie shape. The way the mirrors are set up, you can stand anywhere in that house and see every inch of the house except inside the rooms. They're on the ceiling, so the patients aren't even aware that they are there. But if you need G, you can look up at the mirrors and give her a nod. She's always watching, like a hawk. lol!
Martha, I really found this place accidentally. I did a search for nh and put in my zipcode and these places came up. The two of them are only 5-6 blocks from me. I was impressed by the cheaper rates which were $1500. And was going to check them out, thinking they might not be up to par. Of course, that rate didn't apply to AD, but they were great when my dh checked.
I was surprised, too, that she wanted me to visit. I was prepared to stay away for a week. She wants you to visit but....it's on her terms. And, I mean, she's watching you all the time. I think if you broke her rules, she'd send you running. This lady is from Turkey, has a deep accent and she's just adorable. She calls the patients her people. And she'll tell you, "I don't want you to upset my people."
When I went back to Mom's room the first time, we were chatting and I glanced out the window at these wonderful gardens. There was G, she just happened to be watering right outside mom's window. She was prepared to step in if mom started crying or getting angry or anything. She said when mom settles in, she would let up, but till then, no. She doesn't like her people upset.
When I get ready to leave, I always dread it, not knowing how mom will handle it or I will handle it, or if tears will flow. Magically, as you head for the door, G always appears.....takes mom's arm and has her arm around her. Says, "Tell daughter bye bye...see you later." Mom smiles and does it! Then, she opens the door and you're out of there. No long goodbyes.
She always tells me, it will be better later. When she has proper meds and settles in, it will be better. She'll allow me more freedom with her. But we're going to do it her way for now. She's worried about my brothers, but they may not even visit until she is settled in. I have called them but neither of them have called me back yet and they don't have the address, so I know they can't visit until they call me.
It works, mom's happy, I don't have all that guilt of abandoning her. It's just such a relief.
So far, this is a good thing. As Martha Stewart would say.
Sandyspen
02-21-2006, 09:29 AM
Oh, I just need to add,
At first, I thought she was doing this for her "people," and I'd just go along. But you know, it is the best for me too.
There are no crying goodbyes, no feelings of guilt, because this lady cares about her. I don't feel sorrow or grief about walking away. Mom's likes her, she's smiling, she isn't crying, she isn't begging me to stay, she's all right with letting me go.
So, really, I think her methods are as much for the family as the patient. Teaching us all to accept "what is." I can feel that I'm not struggling with it as much. That everything will be all right.
Does that make sense?
At first, I thought she was doing this for her "people," and I'd just go along. But you know, it is the best for me too.
There are no crying goodbyes, no feelings of guilt, because this lady cares about her. I don't feel sorrow or grief about walking away. Mom's likes her, she's smiling, she isn't crying, she isn't begging me to stay, she's all right with letting me go.
So, really, I think her methods are as much for the family as the patient. Teaching us all to accept "what is." I can feel that I'm not struggling with it as much. That everything will be all right.
Does that make sense?
Sandyspen
02-21-2006, 09:59 AM
I just have to tell this one incident. I'm just so cautious about how they're treated, I guess I'm watching everything.
When I went down in the afternoon, they were having their afternoon snack. Cake and ice cream. 2 Aides were serving and taking care of them.
One lady (D) said, "Could you tighten my throat."
The aide came over, put her arm around her and said, "D, are you sure you want me to tighten your throat. Or, do you want me to tighten your bib?" The Aide was giggling and, at first, I thought she was making fun of her. Then, D began to giggle too. Then all the ladies were giggling.
D said,"No, I think you better tighten my bib!" Then she was just rolling with laughter and they were all laughing and saying, "Tighten my throat. Tighten my throat." And D was saying beneath her breath: "bib, bib, bib," as though she could save it to memory.
It almost brought me to tears. They know they have problems with words but it isn't a sad thing. It was a funny thing and they thought nothing of it.
I swear, I'm going to leave you alone now. Maybe
When I went down in the afternoon, they were having their afternoon snack. Cake and ice cream. 2 Aides were serving and taking care of them.
One lady (D) said, "Could you tighten my throat."
The aide came over, put her arm around her and said, "D, are you sure you want me to tighten your throat. Or, do you want me to tighten your bib?" The Aide was giggling and, at first, I thought she was making fun of her. Then, D began to giggle too. Then all the ladies were giggling.
D said,"No, I think you better tighten my bib!" Then she was just rolling with laughter and they were all laughing and saying, "Tighten my throat. Tighten my throat." And D was saying beneath her breath: "bib, bib, bib," as though she could save it to memory.
It almost brought me to tears. They know they have problems with words but it isn't a sad thing. It was a funny thing and they thought nothing of it.
I swear, I'm going to leave you alone now. Maybe
janeslk
02-21-2006, 10:36 AM
Sandy--You said you are supposed to say certain things when you leave to avoid upsetting your mother. What did the NH tell you to say? My FIL is in an AD unit and always says he wants to go home. He has had violent episodes after someone leaves and tries to follow us out the door. Sometimes an aide will distract him, but I would like to leave without darting out the door and feeling so guilty.
Jane
Jane
BarbaraH
02-21-2006, 10:59 AM
Good morning, Sandy!
Amazing how much better it really is, isn't it?? Sleep and peace work wonders.
I learned with my mother that if I laughed, she'd laugh. I've written this before, but will again... I was driving my mother back to the NH after she'd fallen and been checked in the ER. She was fine. I looked over at Mom and said, "Guess what, Mom?". She could still remember the reply of What?! I said, "I'm your daughter, Barbara!" Mom looked totally amazed, her mouth dropped open in astonishment, and she said, "You ARE???????????????" It was laugh or cry and I was able to laugh, so Mom laughed, too, and we continued laughing most of the drive back to the NH.
Remember the line in Steel Magnolias when Olympia Dukakas (sp?) says that things were getting entirely too serious and they had to lighten up? The staff at the AFH has learned that. Laughter is the better choice and the ditsy darlings are as happy to laugh as children are. I'm glad you got to see the complete picture at the snack table.
Oh happy day! Now mail those eBay packages!!!! :D
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) Barbara :)
Amazing how much better it really is, isn't it?? Sleep and peace work wonders.
I learned with my mother that if I laughed, she'd laugh. I've written this before, but will again... I was driving my mother back to the NH after she'd fallen and been checked in the ER. She was fine. I looked over at Mom and said, "Guess what, Mom?". She could still remember the reply of What?! I said, "I'm your daughter, Barbara!" Mom looked totally amazed, her mouth dropped open in astonishment, and she said, "You ARE???????????????" It was laugh or cry and I was able to laugh, so Mom laughed, too, and we continued laughing most of the drive back to the NH.
Remember the line in Steel Magnolias when Olympia Dukakas (sp?) says that things were getting entirely too serious and they had to lighten up? The staff at the AFH has learned that. Laughter is the better choice and the ditsy darlings are as happy to laugh as children are. I'm glad you got to see the complete picture at the snack table.
Oh happy day! Now mail those eBay packages!!!! :D
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) Barbara :)
Sandyspen
02-21-2006, 11:11 AM
Oh Barbara, that is so darn funny! I could see my mom doing the same thing. Me and dh would often laugh, later, at things that mom did. And in this afh they laugh too. It is heart warming.
I tell ya, I've been printing postage for an hour! The holiday threw me off, then all the worries.....so now I'm packing like crazy to beat the mailman! He'll usually circle back around though if I'm not finished.
If I don't start working now, I'm gonna have a gillion negs. :eek:
I tell ya, I've been printing postage for an hour! The holiday threw me off, then all the worries.....so now I'm packing like crazy to beat the mailman! He'll usually circle back around though if I'm not finished.
If I don't start working now, I'm gonna have a gillion negs. :eek:
Martha H
02-21-2006, 12:12 PM
It's so much like nursery school! As a teacher of Pre K I had to teach the parents how to say goodbye and go! Some of the kids would cry at first, and the longer the parent hung around and prolonged the departure, the more they cried. The trick was, put on a huge (fake) smile and say bye now, see you later! and GO.
This seems to work just as well with AD patients.
Sounds like you found a gem of a nursing home. I wish we could transport my Mom to AZ!
Love,
Martha
This seems to work just as well with AD patients.
Sounds like you found a gem of a nursing home. I wish we could transport my Mom to AZ!
Love,
Martha
LuvMyLilDoggie
02-21-2006, 01:27 PM
Oh I LOVE Steel Magnolias! And the part where Olympia pushed Shirley McLaine down was HILARIOUS! :D
Sandy, my what a difference a few days makes! You're resting well and getting things done and you're feeling happy for the first time in who knows how long? I'm so happy things are working out well for you and your mom.
We're glad to be of help. It helps us too. Believe me, we're just as glad you're here for us as we are for you. Right gals?
Hope you got all your packages sent out on time. :)
Love, Barb
Sandy, my what a difference a few days makes! You're resting well and getting things done and you're feeling happy for the first time in who knows how long? I'm so happy things are working out well for you and your mom.
We're glad to be of help. It helps us too. Believe me, we're just as glad you're here for us as we are for you. Right gals?
Hope you got all your packages sent out on time. :)
Love, Barb