Tomorrow my husband and I go to an appointment to get the results from his 6 hour neuropysch exam.

I just asked him if he will be relieved if they say there is no evidence of memory impairment/cognitive decline. He said, "No, because I'll still wonder what the heck is going on because I know I am declining in memory, etc." He went on to say he feels he is getting angry more easily and feeling more agitation for less reason. I feel the same way he does. A "good result" will not relieve or reassure me at all because I know his mental abilities have taken a greater decline over a short time than I think is normal. I think it may be early enough that it isn't detectable in testing - but something is wrong and everything else has been ruled out.

If we get a result that indicates there IS some evidence of cognitive impairment, I'm not sure how we'll feel about that. But I think in some ways, that might be easier to accept - because it is consisent with what we've both seen - and it should get us going in the right direction with meds, etc.

I still am struggling with being very scared of the future - if this is AD. As he mentioned, his anger issues are increasing. Despite his weak heart, he is still stronger than me (he was in a physical job prior to his heart attack and has good upper body strength) and I would be in danger if he became physically violent. Also, he has had anger issues enough in the past that he used to have a "list of people he would kill before he died". He says that list doesn't exist anymore - but it gives you an idea of his personality issues that I have dealt with in the past. He has terrible road rage - enough that I will no longer ride with him. So, I will not be the one to figure out when he is no longer safe to drive... One time in the past, he went for counseling for a short time. I now see that same therapist because she understands some of the issues I deal with in the marriage. She is concerned about the negative personality traits being magnified by the disease (if this is AD). And I read your stories - about sweet ladies who now fly into rages. And I wonder - how will I possibly cope if my husband's inhibitions drop and let his internal rage go at full force? He has a gun safe full of guns - and he is very adamant that NO ONE WILL TAKE AWAY HIS GUNS. And he is much too cognizent at this point to attempt to do that - and I don't think it's necessary yet. What scares me is how will I accomplish it when it IS time? I know it is pointless to fear these issues now - and I know somehow I will cope when the time comes. But, oh my, this will be a dangerous roller coaster with his personality...

Oh, just a note about that "list"... Several years ago when he came home from work and told me he had added two people to the list of people he would kill, I asked him if I was on the list. He said "No... You haven't pissed me off YET". You can imagine that I know what "walking on eggshells" means. I finally have learned NOT to walk on eggshells - and he is better in many ways than he was at that time - but it is still very scary to think of a disease like AD interacting with a person that has mental illness.

I guess one of my hopes for tomorrow is that the psychiatrist may sway him to consider counseling - since he told them he thinks of suicide often. I will not be surprised if they attribute the memory issues to depression. But hubby and I have discussed that too - and we both doubt that is the cause because his depression has been no worse than it has been for years, yet the memory and confusion episodes are new. Even though I don't think depression is the cause of his recent problems, he has needed counseling for YEARS. Even if he goes, I don't have high hopes though because the problems run very deep and my counselor says that his type of personality disorder is very very hard to overcome without a great deal of effort on his part. But I still think it would be beneficial if he was in counseling.

See why I want to stick my head in the sand and pretend this isn't happening??

Please don't get scared for me. There is no danger at this point (I don't think). And maybe the docs will find some good balance of meds that will lessen his anger problems.

I'll let you know what the results are sometime tomorrow evening.

N2E

Oh N2E,

Bless your heart!!!!!!!!! ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) I'm so sorry all of this is so scary and difficult. Does the psychiatrist know about the list, the threats, and road rage, and the anger????

I wonder if counseling would help if he has memory problems? Seems that the memory has to be helped first, if possible. 2nd, one heck of an antipdepressant. 3rd, when he's not home, change the lock on the gun cabinet or have a gunsmith come in and remove all of the firing pins, then change the lock! The hope is that all will look untouched and yet not be functional.

As far as I know, there is no reason to think that the anger will certainly intensify as AD (if it's AD) progresses. I think it's kind of up for grabs in what happens to these folks depending on what part of the brain is affected and when. Do you know how your husband acted as a little child? My mother acted more like an angry small child or a grumpy child who could usually be distracted.

Whatever you find out that is happening medically or mentally, please make plans for where you'd go and the route you'd take if you ever need to leave home immediately. Have an extra set of keys hidden where only you know or at a neighbor's home. It's not right that you are in a frightening situation.

Make a plan.

More (((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))) Barbara

I don't know how much hubby told the psychiatrist re: the anger issues. And I don't know what he was like as a child - other than his mother treated him horribly regardless of what he did. We were at a funeral recently and he told me about crying at his grandparent's funeral (he was quite young) and his mom telling him to "shut up". She used to threaten to take him to a mental institution and leave him (also when he was young). She was an unloving, paranoid, unkind lady.

I guess having a plan is a good idea. At one point in the past, I had a "grab and go" bag packed in case I needed it. I sure hope I never do. I love my husband and I am rarely the focus of his anger. Hopefully that will continue to be the case regardless of whether this is AD. But I guess I can't do much more than taking it a day at a time and making appropriate adjustments as needed. And praying.

Hi again,

If you can, do call the psychiatrist's office today to tell them about the anger problems and how it's been all of these years. Remind them you have an appointment tomorrow. The doctor needs to know what issues are a problem and can only help based on the information he's given.

Shame on DH's mother!! No child deserves that treatment. Bless his heart, too.

More (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))) Barbara

So sorry for you in your dilemma.

I was in an abusive marriage. I left, after 36 years.

I cannot imagine having to deal with my ex if he had gotten AD. He was hard enough 'normal.'

I know all abut walking on eggshells. Only it never worked. He always found something to be angry about.

In your shoes I would get him into a good Alzheimer facility, soon. But you have to decide what is best for you.

Love, (hugs) and understanding,
Martha

She was an unloving, paranoid, unkind lady.

Correction: although I'll bet you were thinking another word, his mother was no lady....

You're absolutely right. Taking it one day at a time ( and sometimes one minute) is the best way to go.

I don't know about your dh, but I will give you two examples of personality changes with AD in my family.

My dad, although a drinker and a workaholic, was for the most part very easy going when he was younger. Nothing set him off. I am probably the only person besides my siblings who can say that I never EVER heard my parents argue. They never did. Sure mom would get mad and try to talk to dad. But dad would walk away. He never raised his voice to mom.

After he began exibiting other signs of AD, he began to argue and cuss (he NEVER cussed around his kids before even as adults). He became violent in the sense that he raised his fists to me more than once. He never struck me but came too close for comfort. He used to move pianos for a living so hye was still very strong. After he was put on antidepressants, he became much more calm. But he's still not the "let everything roll off his back" kind of guy.

Dad's brother never was physically violent toward his family as far as I know. But he was very verbally abusive to his wife, kids and everyone else that he thought deserved it. He was a raging drunk who owned a bar for a time. The bar was attached to his house so there was always booze around. Jack always said what he thought and thought what he said was ALWAYS right. Everyone else was in the wrong. He had an argument with his sister because he thought she wasn't marrying the kind of guy who would be the perfect guy for her.

Sorry to leave ya hanging. Gotta go to work. More later.

Love, Barb

I was just wondering.....why do women stay with men when they are so abusive and mean?? They have no quality of life and soon the love is all killed. I guess I shouldn't ask "why". I stayed with someone for 7 years who made my life a living hell. He was totally and completely jealous and possessive. If I even looked in the direction of another man (which I never did anything with another man!) he wouldn't speak to me for days, with me crying and wondering what I had done wrong!! I was only 20 at the time, now I'm 53, not any more would I put up with that ----!!! It's really abuse, and though mine was never physical abuse, more mental and emotional, it did end up being physical, as I was so worried, scared, upset, unhappy, etc. that I developed a dangerous case of ulcerative colitis. I finally, finally, got up my nerve to divorce him (we never had any kids, thank God). I don't know why in the world I stayed and put up with it then and could kick myself for wasting 7 good years of my young life! In the end it came out that he was having an affair with our married friend, who later divorced her hubby and married mine (thank God she can have him)! That's been years ago and I have toughened up a lot since then. If a man is abusive or mean, I say , Get out while the gettin's good. Life is too short to be miserable and wonder what the heck you've done wrong. Well, sorry to get off on that, I just hate to see people ruin their life like I did. Now if you love them and they love you and treat you good I can see staying and doing whatever it takes, I've just never been in that situation. Good luck to all.

You are absolutely right .. I waited. I stayed 'for the children'. I stayed because I was in a foreign country with him and didn't think I could support myself. I stayed because I was cut off from my family and friends to the point that I believed it was all my fault, as I was repeatedly told.

But I did get the courage to leave, 6 years ago. I was 61. My 91 year old Mom - now the Alzheimer victim - encouraged me to come 'home' to NY, so did my brother. They both said you are still young, you can work. I did. I will never be able to thank Mom or Bill enough for their encouragement. That's one of the reasons I felt so guilty about leaving her last June ..but I now realize it was the right timing. It is a shame to waste years of your life, but a worse shame to know that and keep on doing it.

It's like my Mom when she got a new dental bridge at age 90. When her friends said, 'what, an expensive dental bridge at 90?' she looked astonished and said, 'well, next year I will be 91!'

We live and learn ... we make mistakes, pick ourselves up and start over - and keep on learning. It is great if anyone can learn from others' mistakes, but I fear each one has to make her own.

Love,

Martha

Ah, the wudda, cudda, and shuddas of life!!

I once read: The wise man learns from his mistakes. The really wise man learns from the mistakes of others!!!

Another thing I read: It's never too late to be who you really are. Amen, sisters!!

We can only wish, hope, and pray that our children learn to be really wise early in their lives and to be who they really are all of their lives.

Group hugs!!!!!!!! Barbara :)

he wouldn't speak to me for days, with me crying and wondering what I had done wrong!!

Oh yeah .. my first marriage was EXACTLY like that .. no physical abuse, but the mental games were exhausting!!

And when I was working 3 jobs outside the home, and he would do NOTHING .. I would feel ashamed that I couldn't do it all !! I was in the stupid 20's too ..... 2nd marriage much better .. this one does more housework than me! LOL (and can cook and clean windows too! - I'm working on the toilet seat issue)

We stay because we think we have to. I know I did. Until one day, at a friends place, having a cup of tea, sobbing over a scone of how miserable I was, her flatmate said "your in debt (mortgage) if you stay, your in debt if you go, nothing changes but your out" ........ and that was my light bulb moment ........ she came home with me, I packed a bag and left and never returned ('cept 2 months later to get some furniture and the rest of my clothes .. and my cat!) and haven't looked back since. The house sold, the mortgage was paid off, I had enough $ to start again .. and life has still had it's up's and down's but now I'm HAPPY and SAFE and LOVED ..........

We learn from our mistakes, but it seems to me us carers all have a common thread amongst us ........

Cheers !!
Sally

Ok. Sorry. I lost track of time and was almost late for work.

Continuation from my last post:

My uncle hated that his sister was going to marry this guy who he thought wasn't good enough for her. The funny thing is the guy was my uncle's BEST FRIEND! This guy and my aunt were married about 50 years until he passed on. There must have been SOME good in him! LOL!!! But my uncle didn't see that. He hasn't spoken to his sister OR HER HUSBAND (who really was a good man) in all these years. That's how stubborn my uncle was was. Now his sister wants nothing to do with him. And my uncle has become a very nice man in his old age and AD. A real turn from the @$$hole he was. My hubby and I were actually talking about driving the 300 miles up to Wisconsin and visiting him and his saint of a wife who is living with cancer.

Long story short: Dad was a laid back type of man and when AD took hold of him, he became violent. His brother was an @$$hole who, thanks to AD :confused: , has forgotten he was one. :D

If your dh is dx'd with AD, I hope for you that if his personality does change, it changes to a happier, more content dh.

Wouldn't that be just one little nice thing?

Love, Barb

Barb, that would be nice... I'm concerned it won't go that way since he is noticing increasing anger - but it could be because of his worry right now about what is happening. Maybe that will pass.

I appreciate everyone's input. N2E

P.S. Our appt. is at noon tomorrow, but we have several other errands afterwards. I'll post sometime in the evening with the exam results.

Yeah. He's at a point now where he knows what's happening even though there's no diagnosed cause as yet. I can understand where a person would be angry, anxious and scared.

Someone once told me that anger is often born from fear.

To most people this might sound cruel. But I know you and everyone else on this board understands what I mean. I hope the doctors tomorrow will have a concrete diagnosis for your dh. I hope they tell you something is wrong. I know when I was having all my medical problems and getting every diagnosis but the right one, the doctor who told me something WAS wrong I will never forget. She made me one of the happiest people in the world that day. I had a diagnosis. After two years, I had a diagnosis. Finally, I could be treated.

I'll pray that whatever they find isn't AD and that it's something easier to treat.

GOOD LUCK TOMORROW!!!! I send hugs to you......

Love, Barb