Does anyone else find yourself thinking that? Even KNOWING....that my body somehow wouldn't respond to eating normally like everyone else.

Even though, I think there was a point in time recently, for about a year, where I did eat fairly normally,and nothing went too haywire. Maintained a pretty decent body weight that I could live with.

Seems like I still don't believe it. Gained a few pounds, started eating less, exercising more. Purging some again. Not losing the few pounds. But not able to make myself believe that if I start eating normally again, my body will respond as it is supposed to.

i think that's what lies at the base of an eating disorder. that absolute fear and conviction that somehow, although the rest of the world can not count calories and not exercise obsessively and not purge, if YOU don't do those things you will blow up like a giant whale. i struggle with it too, so you're definitely not alone. even though i see people all around me who eat what they please and don't exercise and are NOT overweight, i can't fathom being able to live that way myself, because i'm convinced (even though i know how irrational and illogical it is) that i would gain weight because my body is "different."

it's all about the control, i think. we fear that our bodies are "different" (ie: that we'd get super fat if we didn't control EVERYTHING), so we depend on our ED's to keep us "normal." since the ED is all about control, it's terrifying to think of giving up that control and i think that's why the fear of gaining weight is SO strong. basically, ED's convince us that if we didn't micro-manage every morsel/minute of exercise, we would get fat. it's not true, but we're too scared to try otherwise, so we become convinced that our bodies would act "different" than the rest of the world's. i feel like i'm not saying this clearly, but the way you feel is TOTALLY normal and i think the only way to deal with that loss of control that comes with healthy, "normal" eating is through really intensive therapy that can discover where we developed this mindset in the first place.

I've been in therapy before. Not currently. And pretty much understand that I got the message that "fat" was bad, and was not loveable because there was so much attention given to the fact that I was getting heavy around age 11.

I know it was all intended in love, but with my personality (very shy back then also), I internalized it all to mean fat was bad, and I was not good because of it. I also got a lot of flack about being so shy.

But I'm 49 now, and still, the trigger for me is when my tummy gets fat, my pants get a little tight, etc. Because I was always being told to hold in my stomach, and if I could just get rid of my stomach, etc.

When I look at myself in the mirror, all I see is stomach and hips. Big ones.

But I also know, this is not all about the weight. Its the high I get from the binge and then the purge. Being able to eat whatever I want, which I didnt' allow myself from age 12 on. And then knowing I can just get rid of it. There's the control factor, I guess.

Even though a major binge/purge makes me feel awful afterwards. Not sure why that awful feeling doesn't stick with me long enough to prevent me giving in to the b/p the next time?

I don't do it nearly us much as I used to. Once a week, maybe. Sometimes I go months without a b/p.

I do eat. I just watch it very carefully. And try to exercise every morning before I go to work.

I do really well, as long as I'm in a controlled environment: work, at home with my husband, etc. But left alone, I have to really work ahead of time not to plan a binge. Just because I can.

There was about a year's time not that long ago, that I thought I had put it behind me. Hadn't b/p for a long time. And my weight stabilized at a comfortable place. Was eating stuff I wouldn't DARE eat today. Not sure why my mind won't go back to that place. I have proof, (I think), that it worked. But the fear has come back. What changed was I did gain some weight all of a sudden. That is still what triggers it. And when I gain any, it goes straight to my tummy area. And now I can't convince myself that eating normally is going to work, that somehow I'm different.

I didn't really exercise that much over the years. Always yearned for a flat stomach. This last time that I gained the little bit of weight and saw the cycle coming back, I decided to commit to some healthy exercise, and thought for sure I would see the results that is in all the magazines. I STILL don't have a flat tummy. Unless I am about 3 pounds lighter than I am right now. So I'm struggling for that right now. And that's more fuel for my thought that my body is different than everyone else's.

Oops....I've rambled a bit. Thanks for being here!