To all the Fight Clubbers

I don't know if any of the original fight clubbers are still out there but I just wanted to lt you guys know what I have been up to.

2 1/2 months ago I left for inpatient residentil treatment for my anorexia and bulemia, and bi polar disorder. This is the first time I have been home since then. I have a weekend pass home and I should hopefully be home for good in 2 weeks.

It has been such a struggle. Attempting recovery as an outpatient was nearly impossible. I have put on 20 pounds and I am now in a healthy weight range. I have learned alot.

This morning was really hard because I had to go through all of my "unhealthy" clothes and get rid of them. It made me not want to eat breakfast, but I did it anyway. Then I wanted to go use the gym at my bldg, but it's locked and I feel frustrated so I decided to reach out to the boards.

If any old fight clubbers are still around, it would be great to hear from you. I will be home until tomorrow late morning early afternoon, and then home for good in a couple of weeks.

Snitter, Natasha. Maggie, Iwillgetwell, Jonistyle, anterrabae, lauren, chrissy, and everybody else.....I have so much to say. Will you listen????

With love and cyberhugs,
BKFREE :wave: :angel:

BK!! Welcome back! It's me Natasha (Natalie00 now). I am so glad to hear from you! You sound as though you are doing much better. I will happily listen to anything you have to say.

And congrats on your treatment! :cool: :wave: :p :) :angel: :jester:

Thanks tash, er um Natalie.

I have to say it was the hardest step I have ever taken, but I am glad I did.

I wish I could just stay home and not return to the treatment center tomorrow, but this pass was to be able to identify triggers at home. I had a few rough moments and wanted to restict my cals, but hubby was by my side urging , me to eat, and I did.

I promise I will be back on line in a couple of weeks.

Love to you Natalie,

Love,

Bkfree

Hey BK!! I'm SO glad to see you back! I give you a lot of credit for doing what you did. It takes a lot of strength. When I went inpatient I learned a lot too. I've had my struggles but it's been pretty good since then. Hang in and talk all you want! Hopefully you'll be home soon.

Lauren

oh bk, i'm so proud of you! i cannot tell you how much i respect your decision to go inpatient. it sounds like it's REALLY helped you which is amazingly wonderful. it sucks that you gotta go back (i can only imagine how good it feels to be home!), but just think, only two weeks more and you'll be back for good! plus i think it's really smart of them to have you come home for a little bit to find your triggers. that way you can go back and deal with them in inpatient before you've gotta fight them in real life. anyway, a lot of us are still here fighting away and it's so good to hear from you. come back when you get a chance and tell us all about it. you know we're always here to listen!

anyway, it's great to here how far you've come and i'm so happy that you're really getting better! keep us posted when you can, we've missed you!

Hey Jonistyle,

I am home again for the weekend and I am having hard time. I haven't acted out and I don't plan to, but I felt really sick last night and I couldn't sleep at all, but the first thing I did today is sign on to the edr board, so I am reaching out.
Thanks for saying what you did. The process has been really tough, but I am glad I did it. The thing is I see just how much work I still have ahead of me. When you are inpatient, it's easy to do well, but at home , there are so many triggers, you know?
I am going to try my best to identify triggers this weekend and try to relax and have a good time too. I imagine I will be on the board a lot.

Thanks for you support!

Love,

Bkfree

BK-- are you still in "inpatient" treatment or are you doing outpatient now??

How are you doing??

I-We-Are all thinking about you.

I am happy to report a small miracle: I have now been bulimia free for almost 5 months.

You were one of the first people on the boards I really realted to/connected with so your recovery, health and happiness really do mean a lot of me.

Thinking of you,
Natasha (Natalie..lol)

Wow!!!!!!! 5 months is soooo amazing Tash. I am so proud of you, especially since you were struggling so much. That is a miracle, you are a miracle, we are all, you know?
I am still in patient for treatment, but it shouldn't be long now. I am having a good weekend, not restricting, not bingeing or purging. I am struggling with my BIIs. (Body Image Issues), but they tell me it's the last to go. Still I am being mindful, telling myself over and over again that I am healthy now, and this is where my body needs to be if I want to live a long and healthy life. After all I am 36 years old, not a kid anymore (even though I emotionally feel like a teenager) and I shouldn't have a child's body.
My affirmation today is "I flow with the current of life" and that current is quite amazing when the ed behaviors aren't acting like rip currents.
Again I congratulate you on an amazing recovery. Keep up the great work.
Love, BKFREE :bouncing:

Yes, I think we ARE miracles. Now that I think back, I don't see why I didn't die from my ED long ago. Binging and purging puts so much stress on the heart, I am amazed mine held out so long after 9+ years of b/p 2-3x a day. I mean, some women die after a year of being bulimic. Is it the "luck of the draw" or something greater?? God??? Yes..I have to believe that. I am alive for reason, and YOU are certainly alive for a reason after your near fatal suicide attempt. I remember so sadly you saying you sort of wish you had died, and it makes me so happy to be able to talk to you now, doing so much better, ALIVE and fighting your ED. I know you have a lot of other issues besides the ED (bi polar) so I know it must be so hard for you to deal with all these things. I am also dealing with pretty severe Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and I just know the years of being bulimic caused it. I am going through all sorts of treatments now for my CFS and am seeing a doctor 3 hours away, who is the only doctor in the state who really believes there IS treatment for CFS. I have gained weight just because of the CFS and a related thyroid condition and I am not happy about it, but I am not going to go back to bulimia because of it. Vomiting my food will only make me sicker, and won't help me lose the weight caused by the other conditions. So really...my obsession to be thin has caused health problems that have caused me to not be thin. It is sicky ironic. Not that my or anyone's bulimia is just about being thin..but you know what I mean.
Sometimes I get exasperated thinking "I did the impossible, I beat my bulimia, but I did not get rewarded with better health for doing so" but I know I can't think that way. I have not been able to work or go back to college in so long, I have been very isolated, and I am shocked that I was able to give up the bulimia when I thought it was the only thing that would make me feel better. In actuality, it was the thing that was making me worse, destroying me health, and I am paying for it now.

I have absolute faith that you are going to come through your treatment beautifully and you are going to be a stronger person for it. Our ED's change us, but in the end when we beat them (and we will) we come out with a strength we never knew we had. I personally think my ED has made me a more compassionate person when it comes to understanding addictions (of all kinds...bulimia isn't that much different than drugs or alcohol, I think..), pain, and suffering.

I honestly believe THIS time..this recovery..will be my last one, because I NEVER want to go back to bulimia again. I still have days where I miss binging and all the food..but I Do NOT miss the vomiting and that is what keeps me from going back. I don't miss seeing my mom helplessly watching me kill myself.


There are more reasons to not be bulimic than to be bulimic. So I think I am going to be OK, and I think you are going to be OK.

And I think there is hope for everyone who is out there suffering.

Love,
Natasha

Hey Tash,
I am just so proud of you. I know it is hard to see the forest through the trees with all of the other medical problems caused by the bulemia, but they will get better, it just takes time.

My doctors told me that the "refeeding syndrome" can last up to a year and the body will balance itself out and the longer you have been sick, the longer it can take for the damage to heal but, you will heal, and your CFS can and will resolve itself through healthy eating, abstinence from purging and staying in a healthy weight range.

Know I am here for you, and in my heart, the fight club is stronger than ever. We just need to revisit the issue and reinvite all the sufferers back in to the club, old and new. What do you think?

By the way, aside from being a miracle I think you are a Diva!

Affirmation of the day: I love myself and I deserve Recovery

Love and cyber hugs,
BKFREE

I think now we can actually call it the "FIGHT CLUB" because now we are REALLY fighting!! When the fight club first started we all were trying to fight our ED's but we were all...well...failing at the time. Struggling, right?? I don't think I was really ready to "Fight" back then because I still had a love/hate relationship with my bulimia but now I only have a hate/hate relationship with it! Back then, it still served a purpose for me; now there is no reason or purpose to have bulimia in my life. So I sent it packin'. :)

I wish the other members would join back up. Where is everyone??? I hope their absence means they are ED Free and no longer feel the need for these boards, and not something else..

Thanks for calling me a diva...that made me smile. Maybe someday I could really believe that.

YOU are the strong one who took the drastic step to confront your ED. I don't think I would have ever had the courage to go into inpatient treatment, even if I really needed it. I am just so fortunate that I was able to quit on my own. Once again, it was a "miracle."

Are you going back to the hospital tomorrow??

Thinking of you,
N.

mmm, girls, this thread just makes me smile so hard!!! this really is the fight club and we are all fighting so hard now. i love it. i too am still struggling and nowhere near the end of recovery, but it's so inspiring to read what you all have been going through. this isn't gonna be an overnight process, we knew that when we started, but look how far we've all come. let's keep it up and keep fighting! we WILL recover!

Hi ladies,
I am home for good now. I was discharged yesterday. I have to say though that my first full day home has been awful. I slipped three times already, but I am not losing faith. I always seem to do so well as an in patient, then revert back to old unhealthy behaviors so quickly. I am not disheartened though. I am back on my horse and just had a healthy snack. I realy need to structure my day better, and I didn't log on to the edr board first thing which is what I should have done and plan to do tomorrow.

I am so glad the Fight Club is back. It just shows you that as tough as our eds can be, so is our will to get better. My recovery is not over just beginning.

I love you guys.

Love, BKfree :wave:

BK-
Welcome home, hun!

While your "homecoming" might not have been wonderful, I don't think your 3 slip ups are going to mean anything in the long run. I really, really, really don't. I can see how just getting discharged (for good) and getting back to your old environment would test you, especially your first day home. I think a lot of people would have slipped up today. Maybe you just needed to remind yourself how much you hate your ED. I would often have 1 or 2 slip ups when I was really wanting to recover and I never why I did it, but they served as reminders to me of how much I WASN'T missing the bulimia. Our minds have been trained to view bulimia as a normal thing so it's so wonder we sometimes b/p when we really have no desire to...it's like an involuntary reaction. With time, your brain will be retrained.

Please post some more because we don't want you to have any slip ups again tonight or tomorrow. It was such a short time ago that I was going through what you are going through, and the pain is still very raw to me so I can REALLY feel what you are going through right now.

I am so glad you are on line right now. I am definitely back on the horse. Jonistyle wanted to hear my Declaration of Independence from Ed, so I just posted it. It was good for me to read it again.

It was hard today because I spent the day alone, and none of my discharge plans were finalized. At least now it is Friday and my husband is home for the weekend, so I have some time to regain my strength and I meet with my therapist on Monday.

I promise to log on all weekend.

How are you doing?

Love,
BKFREE

Hey again :jester:

I'm having a rough time right now, physically more than emotionally. I have just started a bunch of new medications that are taking a toll on me. I sleep a lot usually, but now I am taking 3 hour naps in the early evening, too, so the day seems to disapper quickly. I know that even though I am not dealing with bulimia anymore, my diet is very poor. I have always eaten for taste rather than health, so I'd rather have chocolate chip cookies than a salad, which is bad for me. I'm definitely still struggling with food-I can eat a normal amount of food, eat from a lot of food groups,but I make the wrong choices a lot. I am also very rarely hungry because of my hypothyrodism (I just started thyroid meds) and because of hypothyrodism my metabolism is really screwed up. I don't eat enough on a daily basis (I think) but have put on about 15 lbs which is upsetting to me, but I've kind of just accepted it because I know there is nothing I can do about it right now-it is medical problem that has to resolve itself. I mean, I'm not overweight-I'm just more normal weight now,while before I was always thin, so it's a change,but it's not the end of the world to me. I think when you start to have health problems your ED starts to take a backseat (atleast that is what has happened to me). I also found out I have a lot of hormonal problems and am having to take testosterone cream and other hormones. None of this is fun but only a month ago I was getting zero help at all and was not even diagnosed with anything because so may doctors don't believe in CFS.

<Deep breath> Other than that,I really am OK! Things are going to turn out just fine for me,and for you. I have a feeling.

How were things at the hospital? What was it like?

Love,
Nat

Hey Nat,
You truly are an inspiration to me because a few months ago, your attitude was so different. You really have surrendered and accepted the things you cannot change.

In terms of weight gain, I myself have gained 22 pounds in treatment, which they made me do because I was not in a healthy weight range. The meds I take (Abilify) cause weight gain and some other bad side effects like muscle stiffness and swelling. I hurt my knee in treatment and may have to have surgery. I think the meds caused the injury, so I am really struggling with taking the meds, but they do help my ed thoughts.

Treatment was really hard, but there is no way I would have returned to a normal weight range as an outpatient. I still feel fat, but fat is not a feeling, so it's just all of life's chalenges without the behaviors that stress me out.

I need to set a structure for myself now because so far I have none.

I really want this recovery. I even went public and did a news interview which was shown locally where I was an inpatient. I figured that Secrets Keep You Sick, you know???

I know this is a long reply, sorry some things haven't changed with me (ha ha)

I hope you have a good day today Nat.
My affirmation of the day, Recovery means progress, not perfection.

Love,
BKFREE(Barrie)

BARRIE!!

At long last, your name has been revealed! :)


I hope you have a great day. I will check back in later. I am sooo tired right now I can barely think, I had horrible insomnia last night so stupidly started watching a movie at like 3:30 am, I basically saw the sun rise. NOT fun.

YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS DAY B/P FREE!!

Yeah Nat,
My name is Barrie. I figure since secrets keep you sick, I may as well say my real name. It's wierd for a girl, but I am wierd (and a little wired right now too! Too much Starbucks).

Late nights can be triggers for me, how about you??

I will make it through the weekend b/p free!

Love you Nat,

Barrie

Took a nap, feel a little better now.

Yeah...late nights used to be major triggers for me. It was nothing for me to be up still b/p at 3:00 am. I'd sleep til 2 or 3 the next afternoon and feel awful.

It must have taken A LOT of courage to go on the news and announce to the world "I have an ED" I am really proud and amazed that you had that courage. Even now, there are only 3 people in the entire world who know about my struggles with bulimia and 2 of them are my parents! I just could not tell people about it, esp. not other family memebers. I don't want to be talked about...period. Maybe it's not healthy..but it is how I feel.

Did you meet any people in treatment you connected with or plan to stay in contact with?

I saw some old movie once where there was a girl named Barrie but I can't remember the name of it. It was the first thing I thought of when I read your name. It's unique.

How's your day gone??

Hey Nat,

My day went great actually, over did it a bit on the caffeine (major starbucks addiction), but I was just 100 cals short today which is pretty good, stayed within my exercise limit, didn't binge or purge, and was pretty productive. I even found a free day program I can go to Monday -Friday.

I did make some awesome friends during treatment, two especially and one I talked to alot today on the phone. We have the sane cell service, so our calls are free.

Thanks for your words about the interview. I felt it gave a lot less power to Ed and more to me, ya know. Plus it was locally where I was in treatment which is like 3 hours away from here. I don't know if I could have done it where I live.

Did you know this week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week? That is why they had the interview.

I hope you get some sleep, Nat.

Talk to you in the am.

(Remember, divas need their beauty sleep and you are a DIVA!!!)

Love,

Barrie

How goes it, Barrie???? :angel: :bouncing: :) :wave: :jester: :D ;)

Hey Nat,
I am really struggling. How are you doing?

Oh, no....what is going on?? Talk to me, girl....

I spend so much time alone and it feels like I never even went to treatment, plus I am starting to go through a big depression. I don't know what to do.

BK-
I think it is normal for you to be feeling the way you are right now. You just got out of the hospital, where your ED was controlled for you, and now you are back in your original environment where your ED thrived before.
BUT..you aren't the same person as before, because I know you learned the skills necessary in treatment to beat your ED. I don't think it is realistic to think that "well, I got treated, so I won't ever b/p again" because I think you probably will have relapses on your road to recovery.

Do you feel like you are better equipped to deal with your ED now??

Have you started out patient therapy yet??

Have you been talking to the friends you meet in the hospital??

I take it you aren't working now?? Are you alone because your husband is at work during the day?? What can you do to occupy your time?? Start a journal?? (who knows..your journals could be published into a book one day and be one of the books that help people deal with their ED.) Read?? Hobbies?? Part time job?? Volunteer? Get a pet??

What can you do to get yourself back to the mentality you had in the hospital??

This is pathetic. If i did it in the hospital, I can do it here. One of my friends from the hospital may come visit for the weekend, which wuld be great.

I am not working and funds are really tight so that is a major stressor right now. I probably need my meds adjusted too.

I am not giving up. Treatment was so expensive and I don't want to let my family down.

I will post tomorrrow am with my plan for the day.
Thanks for the support Nat,

Love,
Barrie

It isn't pathetic, being in the hospital is completely different than being at home, alone a lot of the time.

Let me know how you're doing.....

hey barrie, i know that this post is mostly between you and natalie, but i wanted to just check in and say hi. i've been reading as you two post to each other and i wanted to let you know that i have A LOT of respect for you and how far you've come. don't put too much pressure on yourself, sweetie! you have made AMAZING progress so far, and now you've been thrown into a totally new, often triggering, world. it's OKAY that you're feeling a little off-kilter, you know? as much as you can, just try to relax and smile and say, "Barrie, you did really good today," no matter what happens. keep trying and fighting away, but try not to get too down when things go a little askew, okay? anyway, i just wanted to say that i'm here and i think you're doing really great (i truly do mean that). stay strong!