Floating on could nine, an emotional high, on top of the world, untouchable, immortal…all these words would never begin to describe how good it felt to feel all most perfect. It was so close. I could taste it. No more of the bitter sour taste that had been filling everything for the last year or so. Nope. It was gone. A weight had been lifted. I wanted to bottle it up, hold on to it. I’ve been terrified that it will suddenly disappear, but…I WAS BETTER. But my immortality caught up with me. It only took a brief moment. Reality sets back in. I still am sick.

It’s amazing how fast the feelings I thought were gone from my soul can crawl back in. I guess that’s how it’s always been. They never really go away once you’ve acknowledge their presence, they just hide for a while…quietly waiting until they have the opportunity to sneak back in. I wonder if it’s my fault? Do I let things get to me that easily? Maybe…

Even if I do, it’s not like people can’t be completely rude and insensitive some times. Unfortunately, College has taught me that not everyone has a concept of morals or even how to treat people with a little bit of respect. That’s one of those pills that’s been hard to swallow. I feel like some little dream world I lived in was shattered. There still are people that exist there, people I have the utter most respect and admiration for. My family, Joan, Joe just to name a few. They are an incredible part of my life.

I think it would really hurt them to know that maybe I’m not better. It really is just this place. Pullman just isn’t a good place for me right now. I want to run away like I’m five again. Growing up means you have responsibility. I owe my parents and others to finish this year strong. Then I can go home. For some reason I think my depression might just disappear once I’m there again. Wishful thinking? Possibly not, at least it’s a thought that will help me make it through. It’s going to take everything in me to make it through these last few weeks of school. Any encouragement would be greatly appreciated. I need all the help I can get.


[This message has been edited by lizzers072383 (edited 03-26-2003).]

Hey Lizzers, i dont know why no-one has replied, maybe they cant find any words of encouragement at the moment.
I know how you feel tho, i have such bad times and then when im having a good patch, i think maybe this is it, maybe im better...sadly, it often returns, but when it does, u have to be strong and know you can get through it again.

I think you're stronger than you think..well done for saying you'll stick school out..if youve gone this far another few weeks wont hurt hey!

With you all the way
Take care
Bubs x

I am trying to be encouraging, so I will not tell you the sad story of how leaving a school devastated me.

Do your best! That is good enough for me.

I understand the ups and down…and the struggle.
I love your effort it is admirable and proves to me you are a great person.
You many not be “better” but is sounds like you are learning some great things
And becoming a better and better “well-rounded” wiser person
That sounds like successes at college too me

You can do it. And what you do is good

Bubbley-
The returning part is the worst thing ever. I think it's just so frustratin that I have no idea what makes me feel better. So there's no way to hold on to it. I want to fit this! I want to be able to say I've lived with depression at 19 and it makes me a better person. Thanks so much for the reply. I love that you understand.

ffsmith-
Honestly that little tibit always makes me think harder about the things I'm proposing to myself. I don't want to leave school. To me that's like depression won. Thank you so much for the compliments. I am learning a ton and right now im better enough to see that as the bright side. Thanks agian. I really enjoyed reading your post.

Dear Lizzers,
You may be too down to "hear" this, but if you stick it out, this too shall pass. Please be kind to yourself and give yourself one more day, a day at a time, as a present to yourself. On each of those days, look over your work load and ask yourself what fires you have the capability of putting out for just that day. Then work hard on those tasks, even if today it is only one thing. With this you will be able to look at yourself kindly and with pride.
Here is an anecdote for you: When I was a freshman in college (Oddly enough at WSU) I took an Algebra II/Trig class. It was taught by a foreigner as WSU is want to do in undergrad classes. It didn't matter because I knew the Algebra and it was a breeze to keep up. But then he introduced trig and I was completely lost. I didn't understand the lectures, didn't understand the homework and couldn't understand the instructor. Then we had the test.
I put my name at the top of the page and looked at the problems. Then I looked at my classmates bending over their papers working madly at the problems. I bent over my paper and moved my pencil an 1/8th of an inch above my paper, working madly as well and trying like hell to hide behind my hair. I waited.....and waited....and waited...and FINALLY....someone turned in his paper. Then someone else did and someone else did and eventually I took mine up to the front and put it upside down on the stack. At the end of the week when the the instructor posted the spread of grades, he wrote the spread on the board "0-98". He pointed at the zero and everyone was looking about the classroom. I was looking too. The instructor then said "This person here at least knew their name".
I eventually just couldn't go to the class anymore because I couldn't even understand the tutorials. I dropped the class so I could concentrate on my others. It was a difficult time and I couldn't bring myself to ask for help or talk to anyone about struggling.
You must be kind to you now. Your grade point, your family, your friends are all important, but not as important as you. You will not lose face if you drop a class to help yourself through the load. You will not lose friends if you say, "I can't tonight guys, I just gotta get something done."
Hang in there and figure out the kindestway for you to keep going as you have so bravely stated you will. I, for one am proud of your first step.
With love for a struggling student,
Barb

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[This message has been edited by Just Barb (edited 03-26-2003).]