I'm really reaching my breaking point and I wanted to start a new thread b/c I want all the feedback I can get.
I had a big breakdown this weekend (as I said in one of my other posts) and it made me realize how emotionally draining this problem has become. After eating a pretty normal meal and having an incredibly fun BBQ with margaritas and all of my best friends, I freaked out about how much I ate and left the party for over an hour to cry hysterically. I felt fat and disgusting and like I HATED myself. I was literally crying uncontrollably and I restricted myself (not too badly) the next two days to make myself feel better. My parents still aren't letting me exercise, but I've gone on a 3 mile walk everyday (NOT enough at all b/c I don't even break a sweat).

I am obsessing over the fact that I have not exercised in over 2 weeks and I feel like I am getting fatter and fatter and fatter. My mom, my dad, my brother, my friends...EVERYONE is worried, except me. I just feel like if I lost TEN or even just FIVE more pounds, I would need help, but right now I am just thin and sometimes freak out about exercise.

My mom suggested a clinic in Minneapolis today, but I told her that was ABSURD. There is no way that I would need to do something that intensive for this b/c I am NOT that bad. I just know I'm not.

Today, for example, I should have eaten less to make up for this gluttonous weekend, but this is what I had:
Breakfast/lunch (12pm):
About 1/3 cup Brown rice, about 3/4 cup black beans, chicken, and steamed zucchini, and a few bites of friend's omelette
Coffee with milk
Dinner:
Macaroni and cheese lean cuisine (300 cals)
cottage cheese (3/4 cup)
steamed broccoli and grilled onions
3 whole grain crackers
Dessert:
Frozen yogurt
1 mini mini snickers

Exercise: 2.5-3 mile walk

I know what most of you think I should do, but I honestly just cannot convince myself that I need serious help. I just want to lose a little tiny bit more weight...I feel like I just need to....

i already wrote back on your other post, so definitely read that one. (This one'll be shorter.)

you've gotta stop. now. you are going to kill yourself if you continue down the road you're on (i'm not exaggerating). how much do you weigh now anyway? i'm honestly suprised you even have the ENERGY to walk 2.5-3 miles given how little you're eating. you are 6 feet tall and young and i'm willing to bet you BARELY surpassed 1000 calories today (which by the way, you feel BAD about cuz you see it as a "normal" amount after the BBQ. seriously, ls.). why are you doing this? seriously, sit down and try to write down the reasons you are doing this to yourself. are there any? is there just one? "to be thin." YOU HAVE TO GET HELP. you are f***ing miserable, you're starving (trust me, i'm as tall as you and i KNOW how hungry you must be with what you're eating), you're lying to everyone around you, you're anxious, you're sad, you're lonely . . . do you want me to go on??? so, why are you doing it?

i'm sure you know that i'm not trying to make you feel worse. but i need you to question and examine if this is all worth it anymore. if you continue to decide that it is worth it to starve and obsess and refuse to even TRY to get better, no one on these boards can help you at all. i'm sorry, but you know that's true.

in the other post, i wrote that i didn't think you needed out-/inpatient. now i'm starting to wonder if that's the only way you'd be able to get better. you've got it REALLY bad right now and it's getting worse rapidly, i hope you can see that. a month ago, you would have viewed what you ate yesterday as "not enough." it ISN'T enough, so you would've been right, but you at least would have recognized that it was NOT ENOUGH food even though you wouldn't have changed anything about it. now, you see that amount as "normal." you even see it as "more" than you should have eaten after a big BBQ (which i'd be willing to bet wasn't too many calories either . . . ) do you see where i'm going with this? your perceptions and feelings about food, weight, body, exercise are getting more disordered daily to the point where now, you are in very serious danger. please do SOMETHING. don't rule out outpatient so quickly. i think you might need it . . .

Look into that clinic. That's all I'm going to say. Everything else I've posted over the months has fallen on deaf ears, so i hope that something someone else says gets through to you. You 'know' you're not but you're wrong- you are that bad. You need help and you need it now. You have a full fledged eating disorder and losing 'jsut a little more' won't make you any more disordered or have any worse of a problem. Look into that clinic and consider others as well.

I'm going to get help...today. I am calling the lady that runs the outpatient clinic and getting an assessment. I can tell that this is starting to really eat away at me and it's becoming impossible to live with.

Can I just tell you what happened last night? Ok - I posted what I had eaten and I thought that was it, but NO...at around 1am my dog woke me up to take him out. I went upstairs with him and while he was outside doing his thing, I noticed an apple pie my mom was throwing away sitting out on the counter. It was a dutch apple pie with the crumbly topping (mmmm). So I started picking at the surface and before I knew it I had eaten almost all the crumb topping off the top!! I felt SO disgusting after that that I couldn't go back to sleep. I tossed and turned and finally just had to get out of bed at 3am and watch TV, do some situps, and paint my nails. I can't stop thinking about it today, either. How many calories do you think those crumb toppings have? A ton I'll bet. I almost wanted to make myself throw up b/c I felt so disgusting but I don't know how to really and I was afraid to.

I'm not going to eat anything today until dinner and I know that is extreme, but I HAVE to do it. I'll get help - I promise - but today just has to be a restrictive day, even if it's my last one. I just can't even imagine my body even NEEDING any food today. It's so gluttonous...

*********, ls! i shouldn't even justify that last post with a reply, but for some reason i can't help myself. STOP DOING THIS TO YOURSELF. call that woman NOW and stop acting like a f***ing immature child about this. what's the point of restricting and feeling miserable today, huh? please just write down an answer to that question for me. do you want to go out with a real BANG or something? you know you're gonna actually have to eat food, and you're just making this harder on yourself. recovery is tough and you're making it tougher every day you refuse to eat. please just call that woman. there's nothing more i can say.

Please go to the treatment center. I had NO idea you were six-foot tall. You are not even eating enough for someone who is 4'10''. You don't want to have a heart attack. You have to stop justifying your actions. You do not eat nearly enough. Don't waste time and approach therapy half-heartedly...Go to inpatient treatment.Please.

LS as much as people on this board are desperately trying to reach out to you and help you, you are becoming increasingly stubborn in your thinking and mentality and THAT NEEDS TO CHANGE. You KNOW that you do not eat NEARLY enough, that you SHOULD NOT be even walking around the block, let alone for XX miles, that YOU PHYSICALLY CANNOT GAIN A POUND from eating some 'crumbly topping' off of a pie, and that you seriously are deluded in your thinking. It's becoming increasingly difficult to be patient and understanding when you aren't responding to the things we say- you ARE, but you are merely brushing them off, procrastinating with everything you do, and generally, getting worse and worse everyday. It's great that you appreciate our responses but you really need to LISTEN TO THEM and FOLLOW THE ADVICE GIVEN or really, anything you say it meaningless. CALL THAT CLINIC TODAY, RIGHT NOW, AND CHECK YOURSELF IN AS SOON AS YOU CAN. There is no excuse in the WORLD right now that you can give that 'proves' that you do not need to do that, so don't try to come up with any.

very well said, girlygirl. ls, i just wanted to post again to make sure you realize we aren't trying to push you away: we are all just VERY VERY worried about you. please get the help you need.

LS, if you had stage 1 cancer, would you wait for treatment? Or would you wait for stage 4 with mets to the brain? This is not going to get better by itself.

Maybe you just want to wait for a crisis and have your parents find you passed out somewhere from lack of food? You might find yourself strapped to a hospital bed with a feeding tube.

You have a problem, don't wait!

As hard as it is for me to admit, you are all right. This is taking a huge toll on my life and I'm tired of making excuses for it. I am not worried about what some of you have said: passing out, heart attack, etc because I am not eating so little that that would happen, but I AM worried about the long term health problems, both emotional and physical.
I've gotten so used to how I am that I honestly don't know what is normal anymore, so I'm kind of excited to go to therapy and get a fresh perspective.

I know it was wrong, and I know how frustrated you are Joni and girlygirl, but I restricted today because of the pie I ate last night. I just know that crumb topping has tons of butter in it and the amount I ate was gross. I ate a huge salmon dinner though with some snacks and so I'm feeling fine tonight.

I'm going to try and stop posting nonsense for a while b/c I know it's not getting me anywhere and it's just making you all frustrated, but I'll keep you updated on my recovery process. Thank you so much for caring so much about me...I promise I"m going to make this work.

We aren't asking that you stop posting, we are just asking you to really try and see the truth- that is that you really have a very serious problem. For whatever reason you want, you need help. On a sidenote, the immediate health risks DO pose a danger regardless of the amount you eat because of your severely low weight. It is dangerously unhealthy.

I really hope that you call that clinic and use your friends and family as support as you do whatever (and that really does mean whatever) it takes to get well. Check yourself into a program as soon as you can.

yay, ls! i am VERY happy for you and extremely proud too - it takes a strong woman to realize how badly she needs to let her guard down a little and ask for help. i really mean that (even though it sounds kind of corny!) I like what you said about being so tangled up in the ED that you no longer even understand what "normal/healthy" is. Being excited about therapy to get that fresh, realistic perspective is an EXCELLENT way to look at it. That's kind of how i felt when i started therapy . . . my life was so f***ed up by that point, i was like "Agh! I don't even care what happens, i just want something different and new to happen! i want to get out of this "darkness" and open the doors for the rest of my life." i might be reading too much into what you said, but it seems like you're kind of viewing therapy the same way i did, which is cool (especially since it makes us seem even more alike, lol!)

like girlygirl said, don't stop posting things you see as "nonsense." we ALL write posts that we realize are pretty dopey, but the fact is, if it's something that's bothering you or hindering your recovery, then it's something that needs to be addressed. and posting on these boards is a great way to do it. nothing is trivial in terms of an eating disorder, cuz the "disorder" part makes everything seem so life and death, you know? (i don't know if i said that right, but hopefully you get my drift)

anyway, keep posting all the stuff . . . not just the good stuff (sometimes i feel like i have that problem - i post tons of advice and my progress, but i don't always post my struggles cuz i think they aren't important enough. i'll try to post my trivial struggles too!) i hope you're feeling good about your decision to change . . . just think, starting very soon, your life is gonna get a whole lot better and you're gonna feel a whole lot happier! good luck.

You CAN have a heart attack and you SHOULD be worried about it. You think you are eating enough to prevent a heart attack...but that has nothing to do with it. If you are thin enough, you could have a heart attack. If you stress you heart out enough by remaining "active" while eating so little AND you exercise, you could have a heart attack. How much do you weigh at six foot tall?? No one ever thinks "it will happen to me" (the serious consequences of an ED) because they always think they aren't bad enough...but try and tell that to the people who are in the hospital or who have lost their lives to their ED.

I'm going tomorrow to meet with the director of the outpatient clinic and she is going to do an "assessment" of me. I guess they see where you are, what kind of treatment you need, etc, but you are not required to necessarily complete the program. I'm still not sure if a program is what I need or if I can just work with a therapist and an intensive nutritionist, but I guess I'll see how things go tomorrow.

I'm having one of those days today, though, where I think I can do this all on my own (but I know I'm just having a "good" day with eating -- meaning I've eaten a lot).
Bfst: Banana, raspberries, blueberries, Medium nonfat latte, handful granola
Lunch: 3 rice cakes, 1/2 cup cottage chees, tomato, few pita chips
Snack: large apple, 5 mentos candies
Dinner: (at mediterranean restaurant) big plate of grilled chicken and salad with olives, a little feta and tzatziki yogurt sauce, 1/2 piece of pita bread
Dessert: Regular frozen yogurt with strawberries on top

REALLY full right now from the frozen yogurt, but feel pretty good about today. It felt good not be hungry all day, to be honest (b/c I was yesterday since I was being so restrictive).

I still really want to run, but I'm sticking to walking and yoga. I walked about 4 miles today and did yoga, which felt great.

good job with yesterday, girl. you still aren't eating anywhere NEAR enough, but at least you're eating. just keep up stuff like that until you get the treatment you need. you did very well though and i'm glad you're feeling the physical/emotionally benefits of not starving yourself all day. :)

quick thing on the walking/yoga, you REALLY gotta cut that walking. i'm serious. i'm sure you know this already, but you burn almost as many calories walking 4 miles as you do running it. so, come on, i know it's hard, but it's gotta go. how about 1-2 miles a day of walking TOPS? (even that's a lot, but i know you won't give it up completely.) also, how intensive is the yoga you're doing? if it doesn't really "work out" your body and it doesn't make you sweat/breathe heavily/etc., then it's probably fine. BUT, if it's intense then switch yourself over to a very calm, soothing, meditative type of yoga. i know you don't want to do this, but your health is seriously at risk right now. just remember that ALL of this is temporary, you know? you'll be able to go back to all this stuff soon, just not yet. :)

one more thing is to make sure you're really super honest when you meet with the director of the outpatient clinic, k? i don't want you to think i'm talking to you like a child or something, but i want you to know that the urge to "fudge the truth" and "leave out a few things" is gonna be REALLY strong when you're talking to her. so just be prepared for that feeling and force yourself to tell it all and tell it honest - how much you REALLY eat/exercise/measure out food - the "light/fat-free" obsession - the restricting - the guilt at the party - the types of foods you will/won't eat - say EVERYTHING! i guarantee you'll feel much better if you do! good luck!

Hi Joni,
Thanks for the encouragement. I am feeling really motivated these days and I just hope that the feeling lasts....
I didn't meet with the outpatient clinic today b/c I went to my therapist this morning and she wasn't too enthusiastic about the one I was looking at all. She doesn't like the director of it and she said that there are a lot of inexperienced staff working there. Overall, she just has not seen good results from it. So we conjured up some other ideas and on monday I'm going to see this really good nutritionist that she recommended and I'm going to start going to therapy on a very regular basis. I think that will be enough for now, but if not I have the number of another outpatient clinic I could look into.

One thing I'm starting to realize more about this ED is how much it is affecting, not just me, but everyone around me. My mom told me that my brother (who is 20) won't even talk about it because it upsets him so much. My best friend told me that she and ALL of my friends are scared out of their minds. And my parents, well that's pretty obvious. Basically, I feel like this weekend I realized how I am hurting people around me and not just myself and that gives me reason to want to get better more than anything else!

ls, that's WONDERFUL! i think you've finally reached that "breaking point" we were talking about before. it makes me so happy . . . i was getting pretty scared out of my mind for you too! it's weird how you finally "see the light," isn't it? you always feel like, "omg, how could i have not noticed this before?" family and friends concern is a GREAT motivator, so i'm glad you're feeling/noticing it. on one hand, it makes you aware of how serious this problem really is and on the other, it makes you realize how much they truly care about you!

i'm glad your therapist has a plan that she thinks will really work for you. i think it could too, which would be great. the most important thing is that you NEED to stay committed and not lie, cheat, "fudge" your meal plan/exercise/whatever. in my opinion, outpatient/inpatient doesn't seem necessary except for people whose ED's are SO in control of their every thought and action that they are unable to be honest and do what they say they'll do. i think if you stay committed and work REALLY hard and fight that disease away, you'll do great with your therapist and new nutritionist.

anyway, i'm glad to see that things are looking up. keep me posted with how everything goes and anything insightful you learn or tips or anything. i'm feeling really "stagnated" right now. i feel like i've been struggling with this stupid mathematical equation ("how many calories does it take to get joanna's body to = weight gain) FOREVER. i don't want it to seem like i'm bragging or anything, but i feel like i've been in the same f***ing place for months! grrr ...

it's like, i can't learn to deal with gaining weight because i haven't gained hardly ANYTHING. i can't even dream of stopping counting calories cuz NO WAY would i be able to "naturally" consume the 3400 i am now without counting, so i can't work on that confidence that "i don't need to count calories because i know my body will settle at its natural weight if i just eat naturally." i'm apprehensive about summer already cuz if it was summer right now and Eric (my boyfriend) asked me if i wanted to bike ride or play tennis, i'd have to say "no" because i'm not allowed to exercise. this isn't living!!! but i'm in therapy and i'm following the rules and NOTHING'S changing, you know? why isn't it getting better? how do i deal with this and what else am i supposed to do to get better?

ugh, sorry for the whine and moan, but i'm just feeling really frustrated this past month. when am i gonna start "recovering"???

Wow, Joanna, I can't believe how hard it is for you to gain weight!!! But, as you said before, you have always been thin and have been able to eat whatever you want, so I'm sure your metabolism is naturally very high. AND, if it's in hypermetabolic mode then it is even higher right now!
I can't imagine feeling frustrated with not being able to gain weight, but now that you mention it, I can see how it would be hard to not be able to face that fear when you're ready to. It's almost like you just want to get it over with! Just know that you're lucky that you didn't damage your metabolism permanently (b/c it's definitely working) and that sooner or later everything will even out. You won't gain 10lbs all at once, either. What is your weight right now? If you got on the scale in 2 days and weighed 3 lbs more would you freak out? You can't let yourself b/c you never know how the weight is going to come on and sometimes it will fluctuate like crazy. Your body has been messed up for a long time and it is still trying to trust the fact that you are going to keep on feeding it!

So I'm seeing that nutritionist on monday. I'm really excited, actually. It's weird b/c on days when I do "good" (according to my ED), I don't want a meal plan at all (yeah right I'm eating a bar after a huge turkey avocado sandwich at lunch!!), but then days when I do "badly" (according to my ED - like today), I DO want a meal plan b/c I figure I would feel better to indulge within guidelines than to indulge on my own terms. Does that make any sense? Today when I woke up from a nap around 4pm I was totally craving chocolate (this is becoming a habit - but I AM supposed to get my period)...Anyway, I ate a chocolate covered pretzel stick and a Godiva chocolate chew - that's probably a total of at least 300 or 350 calories just in chocolate. I feel bad about it and would have rather "had" to eat a bar or something of that same caloric amount. My first instinct is to restric tonight for dinner or workout tomorrow morning or restrict tomorrow, but I know that I CANNOT do that. Or at least I SHOULD not do that. Is it ok to have treats like that chocolate on a daily basis - and I don't mean just while I'm trying to gain weight - I mean for a normal weight person. I just don't know what is NORMAL!!! When you see a thin, normal girl walking down the street, don't you sometimes wonder what she does? Does she even work out? Does she work out everyday? Does she eat breakfast? What does she eat for breakfast? Does she eat when she's not hungry sometimes? Does she eat chocolate after dinner? I WONDER these things...!

Anyway, sorry to go off on that tangent. Hope I helped you with my advice in the beginning. Talk to you sooN!

hey ls, thanks for the kind words. you're right, i just want to get this over with, you know? it's like, "Geez, i'm (mentally, at least) ready to recover, i'm SO sick of this ed and counting calories and freaking out about everything, so let's just do it already!" but yeah, i know it takes time and it will all work out in the end, so i'm trying to just focus on being happy with what's going on now (which is basically nothing, lol). it's hard though, cuz i really don't feel like i'm making "progress," even though i'm sure there's some progress going on under the surface or something, who knows?!

about whether i'd freak if i gained like 3 lbs. in 2 days, oh YEAH, i'd totally freak out. i'd be all nervous wreck and anxiety, convinced that my body had "betrayed" me and gone insane and that i was going to continue shooting up 3 lbs. every 2 days no matter how much we lowered my daily calories. it's so illogical, isn't it? it's like i'm dissatisfied whether i'm gaining, maintaining or losing weight. i can't win! that's what makes me so SICK of this ed - feeling this much frustration based on WEIGHT alone is not healthy or normal and i'm getting VERY sick of it. i'm realizing that it isn't actually the number that makes me upset/anxious (since, like i said, ALL the different numbers make me upset). it's something else related to my weight/body image and control over that. anyway, i'm coming to realize it isn't the actual WEIGHT per say, it's like everything related to the control of my weight/food/exercise, does that make sense? i feel like this is a good thing for me to realize, although (obviously from how confusing those last couple sentences were!) i don't fully understand it yet. anyway, i'm feeling closer and closer to getting better, but i just can't significantly budge that stinkin' scale! (currently stuck around 125, by the way) it just seems like until i can gain weight, i really can't proceed with the rest of recovery, so yeah, quite frustrating at times.

about the chocolate scenario (mmm, chocolate ... ), i think you handled it VERY well mentally. i'm hoping you didn't restrict after it at all cuz you did NOTHING wrong by eating it. this is the way i see it: i (and you) eat very good healthy foods to give my body nutrients, blah, blah, blah. therefore, i deserve my yummy desserts EVERY day! that's really the type of "diet" (not in the weight-loss meaning of the word) i wan't to have when i recover. i figure, everyone is allowed daily indulgences and since i eat healthy for my "real food" of the day (i'm not a big fan of deep fried stuff, loads of cheese, chips or other "salty junk food"), i can indulge by having dessert every single day and know that i still eat a "healthy diet." does that make sense? i DON'T think that desserts are only okay when you're trying to gain weight. i think that, if you eat good, nutritious foods to keep your body running at its best, then you are allowed to treat yourself daily. if you like salty stuff, maybe you have chips as a snack or you deep fry that chicken for dinner and that's your "treat." if (like you and i) you LOVE chocolate, you eat it daily and love it and feel great! you don't go out of control eating junk at every meal, but you DO enjoy and love your daily treat. does that make sense? anyway, i think it is TOTALLY "normal" to have chocolate/dessert daily when you're eating healthily/normally. so i hope you didn't restrict, but even if you did, it's okay . . . you're gonna learn to work through this stuff, you know? plus, i think your new nutritionist will help A LOT with all of this stuff, so it's awesome that you get to go to her so soon! i'd definitely go with the meal plan if i were you. since recovery is all about breaking the ed's control over you, i find it helpful to have some structure through my meal plan while everything else seems to be getting all chaotic/out of control. does that make sense? anyway, have a great day and i'll talk to you later!

Hey Joni,
It's really obvious that you are still very much in the recovery process (obviously) and it is going to take a long time before you are completely comfortable with changing. Just the fact that you would freak out at any of those scenarios (gaining weight, losing weight, etc) proves that you are caught up on the number and not how you FEEL. But I can't really talk because I am the exact same way - haha. I might feel great one day and weigh 2lbs more and then feel horrible another day and actually be lighter on the scale. I am so out of touch with my feelings. We'll get there, though - I'm completely confident.

About the chocolate thing - is it ok to have chocolate or something "bad" like that everyday? Even when you are not trying to gain weight? I guess I just see myself as weak when I give into one of those cravings and I picture myself seriously ballooning out if I keep doing it. Like yesterday when I gave in and ate that chocolate all I kept thinking about is how I have been SO good about avoiding chocolate for SO long and here I go having it three days in a row - here comes the fat!!! And it's really hard for me to just have a small handful of M&Ms or just one oreo cookie - once I give in, I want A LOT. I just hope it's not like that forever - all or nothing. Do you think that if I ALLOW myself to have those things (in fact, force them) that I will be more able to control the portions???

hey, thanks. sometimes it's hard for me to remember that i'm still "recovering" and everything isn't just gonna turn around one day and get better, you know? it's a process and i think we're both stuck somewhere in the middle of it and since we really don't know how it works or where this road leads, sometimes it's hard to feel good about what you've done/where you are. but we're both in there, somewhere, and i guess we just gotta keep trusting that we're gonna come out okay, you know?

about the chocolate . . . did you READ my last post, girl?!?! (just kidding!) YES, I THINK IT IS OKAY TO EAT CHOCOLATE EVERY DAY. i eat it every day and plan to for the rest of my life (seriously, i do plan this! well, maybe not always chocolate, but SOME dessert every day - mmm, pie ... ), and i CERTAINLY don't plan on being on a "weight-gaining" diet for the rest of my life, lol! when i'm maintaining my weight, i will eat dessert daily for sure!

in terms of feeling disappointed/frustrated with yourself for "giving in" to the cravings, that is a direct result of the absolute restrictions your ed has placed on chocolate. you are in NO way weak or just a "fatty in hiding" because you crave the chocolate and give in and eat some. that's also why you crave "a ton" of it once you have a little. (although, keep in mind, NO ONE (except anorexics!) can eat ONE oreo or ONE mini reese's cup or ONLY 7 m&m's. so even though you might think you're wanting "a lot," you're probably just wanting an appropriate-sized amount, you know? would you feel satisfied with 4-6 oreos? one bag of m&m's? those are TOTALLY normal amounts to have daily. i would define "a lot" as like 12 oreos in one sitting, you know?)

anyway, i think i digressed a little, but basically you crave it and want "a lot" when you only allow yourself an insufficient amount precisely because you are restricting it. lose the restrictions and ALLOW yourself chocolate daily, and BAM! you'll be suprised at how much more you A) enjoy it and B) don't feel guilty about it after. if you don't allow yourself any, you're gonna crave it like crazy and fell like sh** if you give in and actually eat it. if you allow yourself some teensy-weensy amount that wouldn't satisfy a 6 year old, you're gonna obsess about it after you eat it, wanting more but feeling "weak" because you do.

you need to ALLOW yourself a planned amount of chocolate/sweets/whatever daily and eat it and enjoy it cuz you know it's part of your "plan." i guarantee this will work, even though you're probably thinking, "i'm just gonna still crave more!" but, really just try it. plan on having 5 oreos or a Dove dark chocolate bar (my fav!) or 5 mini reese's cups or whatever you've got around for dessert. then, when the time comes, put what you've planned on having onto a plate, sit down and ENJOY it. you won't crave more (unless you skimp and try to have like 2 mini oreos), you won't feel anxious or guilty, you will truly enjoy it and feel really proud of yourself. just try it for today and let me know how it goes.

You are COMPLETELY right and that is EXACTLY the same advice I gave to someone else on the boards whose mom was baking her all kinds of desserts (remember that?) I told her that if she committed to a piece of cake or pie or a cookie or whatever, then she wouldn't feel as badly about eating it and she also wouldn't binge. It's so true, but I guess part of me always thinks "well, I don't HAVE to have it and if I can get by without having it, then that's better, right?" Well, at this point, it's wrong I guess because then I'll just want it even more!

You know what else I'm concerned about?...well, actually I want to start a new post about it so read that instead. Going to have dessert tonight FOR SURE. Haha. YOU, too!!

girl, i ALWAYS have dessert, lol! i'll check out your other post . . .

ps - don't you sometimes laugh at yourself because you "know" the advice to give to others but when it's you, it doesn't seem as logical/applicable. i feel like i'm the queen of that!

COMPLETELY. I ask the most ridiculous questions that if someone else asked me I would know EXACTLY what to say..and it makes total sense.

I don't know if you've read my other post yet, but I'm feeling really discouraged tonight b/c I weighed myself and my weight was up AGAIN. I don't understand what is going on. I am eating more, but I'm not binging. Or am I? Now I don't even know! I can't imagine why my weight would be going up so fast - it's really frustrating.

I'm still going to have dessert tonight - lol - b/c I can't deny myself...but I just feel like I need to stop eating so much now b/c otherwise I'll gain weight at this abominable rate. Did this happen to you in the beginning or has it always been impossible for you to put on any weight?