ok for a while i was really wanting to recover.. then i started losing weight again so i didnt want to anymore. but once i get back into a heavy purging cycle is when i want to recover. but the times where im good at restricting.. its like i dont care. but deep down i want this gone. i want to be free.. i want energy. but see im not even in an unhealthy weight zone. im 6 ft tall and when im doing 'well' on restricting im under 300ish usually and most of it is fruits and veggies.. but when im in a purging cycle i take in no more than 1000-1200 usually but i purge most of it. so all in all im usually never consuming more than 500-600. i have confessed to my parents and asked for help really. they kinda blew me off and now its making me feel like nothings really wrong especially since im not underweight. i honestly dont know what to do because we cannot afford treatment. and i just started going to a new therapist and it costs 100$ a visit. my parents DEFINITELY let me know that it costs alot. i think the most difficult thing for me right now is trying to accept that something is wrong and whether or not to recover and make my parents spend alot of money we dont have. it feels as this is my life now and i dont know how else to live honestly... im not for sure what the exact point of this post was... i guess for some direction? if you actually read this.. thanks..

i don't know what to say but i wanted to respond. obviously, i encourage you to commit to recovery, but i know i can't force you to do it. maybe just think a lot about how much more FREE your life could be without your eating disorder. you are a VERY tall girl and should be eating MUCH MUCH more than 1200 calories tops daily (i'm 6 feet tall too, so trust me, i know!) think how much happier you'd be if you could eat and live and smile freely, you know? maybe make a "pro/con" list for your eating disorder? i don't really know what would convince you that it is NOT WORTH IT to live life this way, but you owe it to yourself to search for that reason. regardless of how long it takes for you to commit to recovery or how much money it costs, i DO NOT think you should quit therapy. it's really your only hope of recovery and stopping now will only make it that much harder to start again. good luck.

see i know ill be free in my life without this dragging me down.. and even tho its only been like a year and a half i dont know how to handle things otherwise and i dont know if i could live a 'normal' life. i know i SHOULD be eating and keeping in at least 1200 calories but my metabolism was never any good.. so i think if i did recover and eat that id still gain alot. i just dont know how to get over the mentality that i CAN recover and that i do need it and that im not normal. how did yall get the thought thru your head that you do need at least 1200 calories a day?

and if you DID recover and DID eat and DID gain weight, then what? really, that fear is what keeps us locked in our eating disorders, but we need to examine it more closely. so if that all happened, then WHAT? would people hate you? would you not be able to find a job? would you never find a boyfriend? would you lose all your friends and family? would you be ugly? would you be less intelligent? really, examine where that fear is coming from, cuz i'm sure (as you know) NONE of those things would happen, you know? i'm not saying i'm any better (i freak out about "getting fat" all the time too), but i'm trying to look at it with my "logical brain" instead of my "ed brain." i don't know how much it helps, i still have that fear, but i can at least see how illogical and ridiculous it is, you know?

i really think the only way to beat that mentality of not being able to go over 1200 calories a day is a combination of therapy and just doing it against your will. i never really went much below 1200 regularly, but how did i convince myself to eat 2000, 2500 and now the 3300ish i've been eating? i just did it. i hated it every time my therapist increased my calories, but i sucked it up and did it no matter what. if that meant eating 2 cupcakes at 11:30 at night to meet my calories for the day, i did it against my will, you know? was i a nervous, anxious, fat-feeling wreck every time my "daily calorie allowance" went up? YES! it totally sucked. but then, within a few days or a week TOPS, that anxiety and fear subsided and after like two weeks, it was nearly gone. it's like i just had to do it to prove to myself that my body could handle it. so that's really the only way i know to get yourself eating more, and trust me, i know what a daunting/scary idea that is. but i really think it's the only way that works. sticking to it no matter what over time is the only way to prove to yourself that you CAN do it. anyway, hope that helps - just my two cents!

This is the crucial place I'm trying to work past in my mind. I have gone through that same process so many times of trying to list what exactly would happen that is so bad, if I actually gained a few pounds. In fact, I weigh almost 20 pound more today than I did 20 years ago, and the world did not end!

I think you hit on it....we GOTTA think with our logical brain. Not the ED brain. And when you've listened to the ED voice for so many years....its hard to find the logic.

When I see you say that you are consuming over 3000 calories a day...that blows my mind. I'm like you, never really going under 1200. But not going over that much either.

So, you're saying your body REALLY DID/DOES handle all those calories? You didn't gain weight, or more crucially...you DID gain weight and learned to push past the fear? And accept yourself with more pounds?

uh, well, yes my body DOES handle all those calories . . . BUT i think it's kind of screwed up because i'm still underweight and not really gaining (i'm having a VERY difficult time getting my body to respond and gain weight even though i follow my meal plans/exercise restrictions to a T). so maybe i'm not the best example saying that i'm eating over 3000 . . . i think my metabolism's screwed up or something, me and my therapist don't really understand why i'm not gaining and it's REALLY frustrating! (no hope of getting over counting calories yet when i need SO much extra just to maintain my "underweight" weight, you know?) it's A TON of food and i get REALLY full most days, but i do it, nonetheless.

that being said, i still freak when i gain a little teensy bit, but i know deep down that my maintanence level will probably be at least 2300 a day (maybe more, i don't know), so that gives me hope, i guess. it's like i can justify when i do gain a little cuz i'm like "well, if i were eating in response to my hunger, i'd be eating like 800 less than now." does that make sense?

anyway, i don't know where i'm going with this, but i guess, you gotta do what you said - think with your LOGICAL brain, not your ED brain. just force yourself to start slowly increasing your calories and take solace in the fact that LOGICALLY you KNOW you can eat at least 2000 a day, you know? just take it one day at a time, but you've gotta CONVINCE yourself that it's okay to eat more and then just stick to it. does this help any?

see in reality i know no one will think of me differently if i gained 5 lbs or whatever and all that stuff that you mentioned.. like i KNOW what the right thing is and what i should do. but i feel that it takes a stronger person to go through recovery than to keep on this cycle of an eating disorder. and i dont know if im a strong enough of a person to do it. but i know how crazy some of the things we can think are.

its not so much of being able to eat that much. i tried to eat about 1000 calories aday and i lasted 3 days because i gained like 6 lbs and i was eating healthy stuff. and see if i were to eat the 3300 calories you eat just to gain weight.. i would be HUGE.. i gain really easily and never had a high metabolism. now i know that after about like 2 weeks your metabolism starts to get higher after eating more but during those 2 weeks im sooooo scared. and i dont think im sick enough for treatment but im afraid i cant get rid of this without going to a treatment center. but like i said i dont think im sick enough to go into treatment. i dont know its just a circle!

i think its amazing that you can eat like 2 cupcakes at almost midnight!

thanks for your

oh geez, i think my post came off wrong. i'm sorry! i am NOT advising you to start eating over 3000 cals a day, no way. like i said, my body is messed up, you know? i AM however advising you to eat MORE than you currently are. you really have to do it. yes, it's TERRIFYING, i don't deny that, but what else can you do? just wallow in your eating disorder for the rest of your life??? really, think about it that way ... what other option do you have?

i'm not trying to make you feel any more lost or depressed or anything, but sometimes you gotta question the hold that your ED has over you. it DOES take a stronger person to recover than to stick with ed forever ... ed is TOTALLY the easy way out, recovery is hard and challenging and anxiety-riddin' and nerve-wracking and upseting. i don't deny that at all, but i urge you to look for that strength in yourself. do you really want to just back down??? i don't think you'd be on these boards if you wanted to do that. i KNOW that you have that strength in yourself, just search for it, sweetie! it's not that big of a thing, either, so don't let it intimidate you so much, you know? just think: would you like to spend the rest of your life getting more and more upset and know deep down that you could've made things better but you were too afraid to try?

i know you can do this! if you feel that you want more intensive treatment but you're not sure if you're sick enough to warrant it, then i think that more intensive treatment IS what you need. you need whatever you need to recover, you know?

o no i know that im not going to jump into eating 3000 aday! and i know the only two options are 1. be strong and recover and 2. be weak and keep going down this path... but honestly i dont know if thats what i want or deserve or anything.. and you asked if i really want to back down- most days... yes.. its like i want to be happy and healthy and be normal.. but ive never had that so i dont even know if that is really what will be on the other side. and i dont know if i want to take that chance to see.. may sound stupid but it makes sense to me...

i dont know what 'qualifies' you to go into IP or anything but i know if i really want to get better i dont think i can do it in an outpatient.. because i know at the end of it all i can still go home and purge or exercise it all off.. i need that constraint to not be able to do that. but since im not in an unhealthy weight range anymore im afraid they would think im crazy to think i need IP. im probably making no sense.. but thanks again for your reply

Texas- that is EXACTLY how I felt about inpatient treatment and I think that is how most people with EDs feel. Almost everyone with anorexia/bulimia is in denial and doesn't think that (s)he is "bad enough" to need any treatment at all, let alone inpatient. I've always thought that if I went to an IP clinic everyone would look at me like "what is SHE doing here? she's fine!!" But the truth is, it doesn't matter what people on the outside think...I've seen girls walking down the street that are SO thin and I automatically assume they have a disorder, but some of them are just naturally that thin. The same way that some people that are normal or even overweight seem to be fine, but might have a very serious disorder that you just can't see. Most bulimics are actually of normal weight, so they can hide it very well (unfortunately).

Basically, you know yourself and you know that you can't do this on your own (as it seems). That is the ONLY reason why you should enter into IP treatment - because you know you need it and you OBVIOUSLY want to get better. You wouldn't be on these boards asking for this advice if you were happy and thriving. Sometimes I feel like you do - I'm fine, why do I need to recover? I like to be in control... But then I'll have a "bad" day and I realize that I don't deserve to have even ONE bad day with this..or two...or three...NONE. There is no reason why I should be wasting time, energy and emotion on this ED b/c life is short and there are so many things to be happy about. Please, please, please get help. And like Joni, I am 6' tall, too! So we all have something in common and I feel like we can help eachother down the path to recovery. We're here for you!!

thanks, ya ive seen you posting and how you feel and i can relate alot of times.. but you weigh less than me and just seeing that is like well poo.. but thats the ed talking i know... and since im technically ednos- i was considered anorexic at one point then started purging alot so now im i guess ednos. but anyways i know i have a problem but i guess im in denial if its actually a BIG problem. like sometimes i think in order to have a severe ed i would have to be way underweight. so i always second guess myself and think that i dont really need treatment since im not underweight. and thats how i feel too- id feel that people would wonder why i am in an IP clinic... funny thing is- whenever i see someone thin- i automatically think 'i wonder if she has an ed?' sad that thats the first thing that comes to mind....

and i honestly think im more unhappy than when i was at my lowest weight- even tho i was unhappy then i think my inside feelings/head is worse at a higher weight but i still dont think im 'sick enough' and i DO want to get better but i keep having doubts then i think of what they will think if they see me in recovery and what people are thinking and judging and wondering why a non skinny person is in a clinic...

overall i just want to be truly happy and free and be normal.. but i wonder if thats even possible.. and the hard part is- i have asked my parents for help and i think they are like alot of people and think you can only have an ed if you are SKINNY.... so they didnt relaly take me that seriously. and since im under 18 i cant do anything on my own. wow thats so funny- ive never seen anyone as tall as me and now there are 2 people with eds as tall as me here! thanks for your comment!!