My Mom was & is a great lady - very strong personality. She has dementia. Refuses to see a doctor, and when we have gotten her to one she won't take any medicine. She has become bossy and very difficult. Sleeps very little - keeps my dad up all night while she wonders around in the house and yard. She is very controlling - won't let my dad talk on the phone to us (their kids) or leave the house without her. She completely controlls every move he makes.

Has made it impossible for my dad to pay bills because she hides her ss check and retirement checks, which has put him in a financial bind. Thinks everyone is out to get her money and refuses to pay any bills. Of course we don't want to hurt her, but the living conditions for my dad have become unbareable. She thinks there is nothing wrong with her and says she if healthy and her mind is good though she can't remember when she eats or what she does and at times hasn't known me. She would be crushed if we said there was a problem.

Support groups have said to force her to get help... sounds good but how. She is a great faker... still beautiful and personable for 83 (looks youthful) and is able to fake a conversation with the doctors though what she says is either from 30 or more years ago or completely made up.

What can we do? I don't want to hurt my mom and crush her spirit but my dad is on the verge of having a heart attack.

Dear Daughter4,

You could have her SS and other checks direct deposited to the bank. She wolud have to sign to get that done, but maybe that can be accomplished using some ruse. (you will find that AD patients have to be conned, often!)

Then you start taking notes and recording her behavior. Write it all down. In a couple of weeks YOU go to her doctor and discuss it with him/her. Doctors know that AD patients put on their best behavior in front of them,, especially if they have any training in geriatrics. Then get her to go with you (ask her if she would please go to the doctor with you because YOU need an exam and feel uneasy going alone.)

If it is early enough, there may me medicines she can take that slow down the progress of the disease. Even at later stages, she can get something to calm her down, stop the night wandering, etc.

As time goes on you will have to investigate nursing homes.

It is a sad and horrible story - this is the hardest thing my family ever had to contend with and has drained us emotionally and financially - but I would not have survived without this Group. Welcome, and let us know how it works out.

Love and prayers,

Martha

Good morning!

Martha is so right, try any way you can to have her checks auto-deposited to their account. We were fortunate that all mom's checks were already set up that way. And, about making an appt with the doctor for youself. I spoke with mom's doctor alone and told him of our concerns. Then when I took her in for a check-up, he simply asked a few questions.

She didn't remember past surgeries or any of her own health history. Didn't know date, place, time, etc. A small mmse test confirmed it.

Your dad definitely needs some help. I've had my mom with me for months and it is an almost intolerable situation. So stressful! My mom is a lot like yours, a very sweet lady but always controlling. And that seems to escalate with the disease. Though she's in a home now, she calls and cries with every visit, wanting her bank statements and checkbook. It's like an obsession now.

I'm glad you found us and keep coming back. We certainly understand what your family is going through. Good luck with finding some assistance from her doctor for you and your father.

Oh, Sandy that reminds me! When I was still living with Mom and taking care of all the checking and bank balances, she expressed concern that her check book was missing. I put an old check register in the place where that used to be kept, along with a few unused checks from an older closed account. She looked at the checks and the register often, paging throuh it and seeing the entries in her own handwriting and feeling happy that her finances were under her control. As for cash, I put 11 or 13 singles in her wallet every day. That was after she had an HHA to accompany her to the Senior Center, Mom needed to feel she had money on her. Besides the quarters for the bus ride, she had 'money' so if she wanted to, she could go across the street from the ceter for a danish and coffee. This was very important to her. (I only started doling out her ration of money after $250 disappeared )

However, even when there was money in her wallet, she often couldn't find it. Often she told me 'I feel like a pauper out there with not a penny on me." Then I said let's look in your wallet, and sure enough, there was a stack of bills. Maybe Mom never did look for it, it was just a feeling she had .. having lost control of her finances.

I think that is something the family MUST do - get POA and manage her financial affairs behind her back, giving her 'something' to make her think she still does it.

Lucky for me Mom was already legally blind, and could only examine the checkbooks and bills with a magnifying glass. She also forgot there was a mailbox at the bottom of the stairs, and never picked up our mail any more for the last 6 months or so. Before that, she had thrown out important mail and kept junk.

We keep on trying, keep on learning, and do our best. That's all anyone can expect from us.

My Mom was also a beautiful, younger looking, dynamic, intelligent lady. She led the seniors exercise group 5 days a week from age 70 until 95. She swam 3x a week summer and winter. Admired by all, a positive thinker, the matriarch of a large family, and my life long role model. To see how she has 'sunk' now is physically painful.

love,

Martha

Martha,

She keeps telling them that the people who kidnapped her also stole her purse. I fixed up a "fake purse," with lots of goodies and told her she left it at my house. She can't figure that out because she doesn't remember being at my house. Then she's angry because I must have keys to her home and went to her house.

I did put a couple $5's and some one's in her little coin purse. But, yes, she does the same thing. Says she's lost without any money. I show it to her, then 5 minutes later, the same thing again.

After I visited for 2 hours yesterday, she called me. I had taken her crochet bag and her coloring books because she says she's bored. She wanted to know how I could have been so cruel to just bring her things and drop them off and not even say "hello."

It's like a merry-go-round. She would say she was bored, I'd show her the yarn tote. She would be thrilled. Then she would remove all the yarn from the tote, put it in a drawer. Then say she was bored. I opened the drawer to show her, she's thrilled again. I told her to leave it in the tote bag on the floor and she'd remember that she could crochet. Great idea, she'd say.

Then she'd put it all back in the drawer and say she was bored! I was never able to have her leave the tote bag and yarn on the floor. We went through this routine at least 4 times. It's like anything you tell her is instantly gone!

All that I brought her was put away in the drawers and instantly forgotten. Yarn, purse, money, coloring book. And she's bored!

She seems so much worse in just 2 short weeks. We use to have partial conversations, but now you just go in circles when you talk to her. She shoots questions like bullets and doesn't hear anything you say. Who kidnapped me, they stole my purse, where's my bank statements, when can I go home, I'm going to kill myself. If you answer anything..........it just starts the process all over again.

I hope today is better since the doctor finally phoned some different medication.

It's so disturbing because you know she has to be in mental anguish.

I apologize daugher4! I didn't mean to hijack your thread. I think I'm losing it some days!

Take care!

I pray that she will calm down with the new medicines.

My Mom said to Bill last week, "this is the best place I have ever lived." I don't think she has much memory of living anywhere else.

I hope your Mom also gets to feel that way, and soon!

Love,
Martha

Hi daughter4,

You do need to help your dad. If you do not, your mom will drive him crazy! Try looking in your phone book. Look under Social Services and try to find the closest Alzheimers Assoc. Office. Call and talk to both of theses places. They can help you and point you in the right direction, in case they cannot, totally. You may have to call the next big town/city. I talked with the Alz. Assoc. in Houston and they gave me phone #s and advice and looked for living centers in my area and such. They are very understanding and helpful!!!

You need to get someone to watch and listen to your mom, some how. Maybe one of the two (or possible geriatric services or some such thing) can suggest how, what or who??? Like the others suggested. Start the journal or book and record what she said, did, and how she acted and what it is doing to your dad who lives with her. Yall cannot let her go on like this, it will drive all of yall bonkers!!!!!

Take care.

Love, Wannabe

Hi Daughter4 and welcome!

I have a couple of ideas that may help at least a little. Have your dad go down to the post office and get a PO box and have all their mail sent there. If your mom is hiding her checks, she probably is hiding or throwing away other things like bills. It might be easier for your dad to get her to deposit her checks if he gets ahold of them first and hands them to her. It's worth a shot anyway.

I'm worried about your dad. How does he feel about all of this? Obviously your mother's illness is taking a huge toll on your dad as well as the rest of the family. But will your dad accept help from others?

I think Martha's suggestion of you getting your mom to the doctor on false pretenses is a good one. I had to do something similar with my dad. My dad is the type who worked (he moved pianos for a living) when he had walking pneumonia! Finally, the pain got so bad he thought he was dying. Then he went to the ER and stayed about a week in the hospital. He was in his late 40's then and had never seen a doctor except to have some stitches once when he was a child. And back in those days, doctors came to the house. He was even born at home. He learned not to like doctors from his mother. So I've had to come up with some off the wall stuff to get him to agree to go to the doctor. And believe me, you'll come up with some ingenious (sp?) stuff yourself.

One of the many things I've learned since becoming one of my dad's caretakers is it's very important to do or say whatever you can to make them think you value their opinion. Of course you'll have to reinforce that dozens of times each day. My dad is with my sister right now but when he was here, the one thing he wanted to do is dishes. He'd do them and I would go back and wash them again after he went to bed. It used to bother me when I had to do that until I realized that it made him feel like he was helping out. It made him feel useful. In my opinion, AD patients may eventually not be able to tell you what they're feeling but they still know how they feel and whether they like that feeling or not. In the very end, that may go too. I do know that my dad at this point still wants to be treated with as much dignity as he was before AD.

Try asking your mom for help with something that's easy to do. She may not be able to do it the way you need it to be done but she'll feel good that you asked her. Don't be too hard on her. Most of us have done that with our charges. We think they should know better but in reality, their mind is going slowly back into childhood.

It's very difficult when a person who was used to having control loses it. That's why I think it's important for us as caregivers to come up with ways to make the AD person feel like they're still in control when in reality, it's the caregiver who's taken control.

As far as cash goes, there are some people on this board who have had good responses with play money. That may or may not be an option for your mom.

Just one more suggestion (I promise! :) ). Make a journal of your mom's symptoms and the odd things she's saying and doing. Doctors tend to take things more seriously if you take the time to write it down. And this way if you forget to tell the doctor something, no worries. You'll have it written down already.

I lied. :eek: Here's another suggestion. ;) Ask your mom to go to the doctor with you. Tell her you'd feel better if she came along with you. Your mom will feel like she's needed. I think she'll go with you. Then hand the doctor or his assistant your journal (do this where your mom doesn't see you and before the visit). If you call the doctor ahead of time and explain the situation, he may agree to see you and question your mother while you're in there. Sneaky, isn't it? :D

But we learn to be sneaky to get things done.

Good luck! And post back to us please. You're very welcome here and you're among friends here who understand. We're the Sisterhood/Brotherhood of Caregivers. :)

Love, Barb

I'm going through money problems like this with my 84 year old dad. He can walk to his bank and even though we have joint checking/savings accounts, it's not enough to keep the money safe. He can still go take portions out and lose it, etc. I took a chunk out and put it in my account for safekeeping. Telling dad what I did with it a hundred times a day is another story.

The latest I have done per his Dr. recommendation was go to the Social Security office and be designated his Representative Payee. Social Secuirty sends a form to the Dr. who fills it out and returns it to SS. Basically then I am able to open another account where the SS check will be deposited and he does not have access. I don't know if this has been mentioned to you, but it was news to me when the Dr. suggested it. My mom died in 2001 so I have been paying dad's bills and have had POA for 5 years now; it's just this past year that he has really not been well and is totally lacking any judgement.

The Dr. says there is a box on the form where he has to check the person is no longer capable of handling money or something worded like that, and that his condition will not get better. So awful having to deal with this. I can't believe my father is fighting with me every day now.

Good luck.
Anna