Ok, so I posted my thread "Im sorry I left, but im back - yet worse than ever" ... about a couple of hours ago, and I was so dazed and confused that i thought id better take a break and come back - so ive been dancing and here I am to tell my story - im sorry if it gets boring... its a bit of a vent!

So back in the summer I lost 14lbs due to basically starvation etc (and all that jazz) So I was 91lbs, and still not happy, i still hated myself, and i was still depressed. I broke up with my long term (2 year) boyfriend because - he is generally a twat and treated me quite badly.. In August my mum sent me to the doctor, who transferred me to my psychiatrist at an ED Clinic (her name is Lucy) - at first it was ok, I talked about my life a bit, she tried to make sence of it - which is practacly impossible, - while my mother made sure she was at home ALL OF THE TIME to make me eat and shout at me..

My mum and I got into more and more arguments about everything and anything - and I became more depressed as out relationship grew apart. I began to self-harm, not majorly but quite a bit. The worst times i cut were on the same day - twice, and the scars still havent gone, they are big and red down my leg - and I hate them - i cant express how much I hate them!!!!

Everything in between self-harm and the present day is all a blur - a whirl wind of anxiety, OCD and depression, everything nowadays seems to get tanglled together!! Yet no diagnosis! NOPE! NONE ZILCH - i keep going to see Lucy thinking - "will she diagnose me with SOMETHING today - so i can attually know that what im feeling isnt just a stupid thing"
Despite this, I get on well with Lucy, appointments are always scary, but still Ive grown a fondness for her, i kinda depend on her somedays...

So then I started to purge after eating, i saw no other way, i was depresed, forced to eat, and I gained the 14lbs which I had lost in the summer! Argh, and i somehow cant loose it either! - I told Lucy about the purging - and then freaked out because now someone knows something about me that is soooo personal!

So thats basically up to scratch - of corse i cant sum me up in a couple of paragraphs - there is still so much going on in my life - but i fed up of this - i hate looking down at my stomach and hating myself - i want to be able to eat and be normal! *sighs* I dunno -
im sorry for the vent, i hope i can help you all too!

Thanks for reading if you got this far

X Hannie X

hannie, i don't know what to say except that you have to stop doing this to yourself. you need to be 100% honest with Lucy and not feel ashamed for telling her personal things. that's the only way you'll recover, plain and simple.

i think you need to seriously sit down and think about what you want - in life, from therapy, from your ed, etc. do you want to recover? do you want to stay sick? do you want to get help? do you want to be miserable? do you want to be happy? do you want to be skinny? do you want to feel good about yourself? do you want to be successful? in all your posts, as much as i look, i can't tell what YOU actually want from ANY of this. you need to ground yourself, hon, and really LOOK for these things. make a list, maybe that'll help get it out. Start with "I Want ..." and then start writing! and then look at that list and think "WHY do i want these things?" i think you're losing hold of yourself and you aren't gonna be able to get better unless you can look a little deeper.

i hope all of this makes sense as i'm not exactly sure what i'm trying to get at. i just think you need to try to acheive a better understanding of HANNIE independent of everything else, you know? also, lose the obsession with getting an official "diagnosis," okay? what's that got to do with anything? you think miraculously you're going to be able to begin recovery once someone says "Hannie = X disorder?" and until then you just can't get better? you're smarter than that, sweetie. that diagnosis has nothing to do with ANYTHING and you know it.

Right... well I thought id better give this thread another run for its money lol - revive it from the dead, since I have now got something to reply!

Joni - you were absolutly 100% totally right!! - And even tho its hard to admit I was pityfully wrong - i so totally was! *sighs*!
You basically said that I was holding on to a diagnosis - and I made myself believe that until I got a diagnosis then I wouldnt be able to get better - which is crazy, but it was totally how I felt at the time
The wierd thing is - I have now been diagnosed with ED-NOS and does it make me feel any better? does it make me feel - ooo now someone really thinks I have an Eating Disorder, now its down on paper, I can finally get rid of it?
No - it scaryingly enough - doesnt! Im even more confused then ever!
Like you said - what do I want?
I really dont know, I got out my pen and paper, I wrote at the top -
What do I want?
I want....
and then I went blank! I havent got a clue...
A few things popped into my head such as "I want to be skinnier, I want to reach a goal weight" but then I thout
"Hannie...stop being so silly... how will that make you better??! It wont!"
SO yeh
Sorry for the vent!
But thanks its made me realise that i really need to sort something out!
X Hannie X