AnnaKaren
02-24-2006, 06:03 PM
The battle with my dad gets worse and worse.
He agreed to sell his house and move to a Sr. Community. I have POA and I am half owner of the house. About 10 years ago my parents added me to the deed, so now with mom gone, dad and I are co-owners.
I had a few realtors over and would like to know if anyone else has gone through this with their parent. Obviously I need to sign for dad using the POA and just take care of the entire transaction myself, ending with putting the funds into an account for his rent/care for the future.
A neighbor's daughter has even expressed interest, wanting to be across the street from her elderly mom, so we may do it without a realtor. Anyway, when the realtor was over dad followed along opening the linen closet for example, and saying towels are included - you get the idea.
How do I keep him out of the process? I don't know if he's thinking he will be rich and be able to spend it or send money to relatives overseas or whatever, it has to go for his care the rest of his life. He always says he has plenty of money, not realizing what is needed for his care, since he doesn't think he is sick.
I can schedule the closing alone, I know that. I just wonder how to get people to see the house, offers and all going on without him in the middle? He keeps wanting to ask way more than the house is worth, the realtor doesn't know anything, on and on. According to dad, we don't even need a lawyer! He can sell it all alone. He doesn't need a title company - what's that - he has the title!
Today he agreed all funds go "in the bank" - which is fine, he won't remember anyway, but he says he cannot believe I am part owner, on and on in a rage. Oh my God, this has just been a record couple of days with him.
When I ask why he's yelling at me he says he doesn't know - threatens to move out of the country and be shipped back when he dies to be buried next to mom.
I don't know how I am going to make it through this. Things that should be simple are so agonizingly difficult. I'd appreciate any thoughts or hints on how to handle this.
Anna
He agreed to sell his house and move to a Sr. Community. I have POA and I am half owner of the house. About 10 years ago my parents added me to the deed, so now with mom gone, dad and I are co-owners.
I had a few realtors over and would like to know if anyone else has gone through this with their parent. Obviously I need to sign for dad using the POA and just take care of the entire transaction myself, ending with putting the funds into an account for his rent/care for the future.
A neighbor's daughter has even expressed interest, wanting to be across the street from her elderly mom, so we may do it without a realtor. Anyway, when the realtor was over dad followed along opening the linen closet for example, and saying towels are included - you get the idea.
How do I keep him out of the process? I don't know if he's thinking he will be rich and be able to spend it or send money to relatives overseas or whatever, it has to go for his care the rest of his life. He always says he has plenty of money, not realizing what is needed for his care, since he doesn't think he is sick.
I can schedule the closing alone, I know that. I just wonder how to get people to see the house, offers and all going on without him in the middle? He keeps wanting to ask way more than the house is worth, the realtor doesn't know anything, on and on. According to dad, we don't even need a lawyer! He can sell it all alone. He doesn't need a title company - what's that - he has the title!
Today he agreed all funds go "in the bank" - which is fine, he won't remember anyway, but he says he cannot believe I am part owner, on and on in a rage. Oh my God, this has just been a record couple of days with him.
When I ask why he's yelling at me he says he doesn't know - threatens to move out of the country and be shipped back when he dies to be buried next to mom.
I don't know how I am going to make it through this. Things that should be simple are so agonizingly difficult. I'd appreciate any thoughts or hints on how to handle this.
Anna
Sponsor
Martha H
02-24-2006, 06:29 PM
Dear Anna,
Get the house sold, put the money in his new account, and enroll him in the nearest good nursing home you can find. Good luck with it!
Stay calm, it will all be over soon!
Love,
Martha
Get the house sold, put the money in his new account, and enroll him in the nearest good nursing home you can find. Good luck with it!
Stay calm, it will all be over soon!
Love,
Martha
angel_bear
02-24-2006, 06:42 PM
Can you arrange with the realtor to show the house without you or Dad there? You could take Dad out for a picnic or a shopping venture or 10 pin bowling or something .... my Mum always evacuated the house .. especially on open days and she's mentally FINE !!
Icky situation .. not easy, but you will just have to do what has to be done, smile at Dad, tell him what he wants to hear .. he won't remember anyway. If he says the house is worth XX amount of dollars, agree with him ... tell him that's what he's getting .. it'll keep him happy .. it will go into the account anyway .. and he won;t touch it ..... get onto those nursing homes .... and look into the Adult Family Homes (cheaper) do what has to be done to keep him SAFE !!!!!!!!!!!
Big hugs
Sally
Icky situation .. not easy, but you will just have to do what has to be done, smile at Dad, tell him what he wants to hear .. he won't remember anyway. If he says the house is worth XX amount of dollars, agree with him ... tell him that's what he's getting .. it'll keep him happy .. it will go into the account anyway .. and he won;t touch it ..... get onto those nursing homes .... and look into the Adult Family Homes (cheaper) do what has to be done to keep him SAFE !!!!!!!!!!!
Big hugs
Sally
LuvMyLilDoggie
02-24-2006, 07:46 PM
Actually I have been through this very thing. It was a bit easier for me though as it was rental properties and not the house my dad lived in.
I have POA over dad's financial dealings. The houses I sold were in my dad's and mom's name. So what I had to do first was get mom's name off the deed because she had passed on several years before. I listed the houses with a realtor but they didn't sell. I think the realtor was afraid to go into that area of Chicago. After the listing expired, someone who lives in that area came to me and expressed interest in purchasing the homes. The houses were both on one lot with an adjoining lot that was seperate but was agreed to be sold with the homes.
My dad was heavily in debt thanks to a family member and dad's midlife crisis. He was already in the early stages of AD. We just didn't know it yet.
Anyway, my sister S and I told the realtor to call my sister's cell phone (I didn't have one yet) and I would call her back. We instructed her not to say anything to dad about the houses or the sale. She agreed. Dad thought there was nothing wrong with the houses when in reality EVERYTHING was falling apart. Between the two houses, there were more than 50 windows, all of which needed replacement. One house needed siding and a roof. The other needed a new furnace. Both houses were so full of cockroaches and rats it was unreal! In all, we estimated that it would have costed between $50,000 and $75,000 to get the houses up to par. Oh and dad thought the two homes with adjoining lot would fetch about $25,000. NOT!!! Of course it was much more than that.
So when this deal came along with the guy from the neighborhood, we jumped on it. We used a lawyer but the buyer didn't want to go through a title company since he was giving us a cashier's check for the entire amount we were asking for the houses. He wasn't taking out a loan. Turns out the guy who was buying the houses was with a group of investors. They didn't need a loan for the homes. We got what we were asking for the homes and we didn't have to pay commision to a realtor.
Take the realtor aside and explain your dad's condition to her. Instruct her to inform only you of offers and go through you for showings. Since you don't have to be there for showings, maybe you can get your dad out of the house at the time the realtor is supposed to be there?
You don't need a realtor but you do need a lawyer who specializes in real estate. This is very important since the laws change every year.
To be honest, I had to go behind my dad's back. I sold the houses and paid off his bills (about $30,000 worth!). The rest of the money went into his bank account. Then I told him the houses were sold. I was tired of risking my life every month to go into that neighborhood (couldn't trust them to mail the rent) and collect more than $1,200 CASH and leave there on the first of every month with everyone knowing what I was there for. I didn't want to die like that. He was FURIOUS at first becuase he didn't want the houses to be sold. But they had to be sold. I couldn't take care of them anymore. And he didn't have the money needed to repair them. And if he did, he wouldn't have let me rmake the repairs. He didn't think anything was wrong with them. One of the apartments needed to be painted and a new toilet installed. My sister and I put the toilet in and we painted the living room and dining room. Dad was FURIOUS that we spent money on paint and a new toilet. Never a thanks for all those hours of work.
I was pleasantly surprised that dad got over his anger as fast as he did. When he saw the money in his account, he was really happy.
Maybe your dad is having second thoughts. Could it be that he feels the house is a connection with your mother that will be broken if it's sold? Is this where his anger could be coming from? If he sells the house, he may feel like he's losing your mother again and the memories that were created in that house. He may be afraid of what's to come too.
One thing's for sure. The house has to be sold and dad must get the care you need for him.
I know this is a very difficult situation. But do yourself a favor. Move forward with your plans and don't second guess yourself or let your dad make you feel that you're not making the right choices. You are! But it can be very easy in this situation to fall into the guilt trap. I know. Been there. Done that. Don't wanna go back.
Love, Barb
I have POA over dad's financial dealings. The houses I sold were in my dad's and mom's name. So what I had to do first was get mom's name off the deed because she had passed on several years before. I listed the houses with a realtor but they didn't sell. I think the realtor was afraid to go into that area of Chicago. After the listing expired, someone who lives in that area came to me and expressed interest in purchasing the homes. The houses were both on one lot with an adjoining lot that was seperate but was agreed to be sold with the homes.
My dad was heavily in debt thanks to a family member and dad's midlife crisis. He was already in the early stages of AD. We just didn't know it yet.
Anyway, my sister S and I told the realtor to call my sister's cell phone (I didn't have one yet) and I would call her back. We instructed her not to say anything to dad about the houses or the sale. She agreed. Dad thought there was nothing wrong with the houses when in reality EVERYTHING was falling apart. Between the two houses, there were more than 50 windows, all of which needed replacement. One house needed siding and a roof. The other needed a new furnace. Both houses were so full of cockroaches and rats it was unreal! In all, we estimated that it would have costed between $50,000 and $75,000 to get the houses up to par. Oh and dad thought the two homes with adjoining lot would fetch about $25,000. NOT!!! Of course it was much more than that.
So when this deal came along with the guy from the neighborhood, we jumped on it. We used a lawyer but the buyer didn't want to go through a title company since he was giving us a cashier's check for the entire amount we were asking for the houses. He wasn't taking out a loan. Turns out the guy who was buying the houses was with a group of investors. They didn't need a loan for the homes. We got what we were asking for the homes and we didn't have to pay commision to a realtor.
Take the realtor aside and explain your dad's condition to her. Instruct her to inform only you of offers and go through you for showings. Since you don't have to be there for showings, maybe you can get your dad out of the house at the time the realtor is supposed to be there?
You don't need a realtor but you do need a lawyer who specializes in real estate. This is very important since the laws change every year.
To be honest, I had to go behind my dad's back. I sold the houses and paid off his bills (about $30,000 worth!). The rest of the money went into his bank account. Then I told him the houses were sold. I was tired of risking my life every month to go into that neighborhood (couldn't trust them to mail the rent) and collect more than $1,200 CASH and leave there on the first of every month with everyone knowing what I was there for. I didn't want to die like that. He was FURIOUS at first becuase he didn't want the houses to be sold. But they had to be sold. I couldn't take care of them anymore. And he didn't have the money needed to repair them. And if he did, he wouldn't have let me rmake the repairs. He didn't think anything was wrong with them. One of the apartments needed to be painted and a new toilet installed. My sister and I put the toilet in and we painted the living room and dining room. Dad was FURIOUS that we spent money on paint and a new toilet. Never a thanks for all those hours of work.
I was pleasantly surprised that dad got over his anger as fast as he did. When he saw the money in his account, he was really happy.
Maybe your dad is having second thoughts. Could it be that he feels the house is a connection with your mother that will be broken if it's sold? Is this where his anger could be coming from? If he sells the house, he may feel like he's losing your mother again and the memories that were created in that house. He may be afraid of what's to come too.
One thing's for sure. The house has to be sold and dad must get the care you need for him.
I know this is a very difficult situation. But do yourself a favor. Move forward with your plans and don't second guess yourself or let your dad make you feel that you're not making the right choices. You are! But it can be very easy in this situation to fall into the guilt trap. I know. Been there. Done that. Don't wanna go back.
Love, Barb
victorino545
02-24-2006, 11:20 PM
I too am in the process of selling our house. Hubby has dementia but not quite as bad as your dad. I did have a private conversation with the realtor and let her know his medical condition. I explained that all questions and offers were to be directed to me. The house was to be shown only when I was present or if we were not home. She totally understood. She handled it well, when we signed the contract papers she did very good with hubby. Agreed with him and changed the subject when he would ask silly questions or comments. Hang in there, I too think you should just go along with his coments and do what you have too. The hard part is we have to remember that this is not the same person talking and if it was he wouldn't be acting like that.
Diane
Diane