Hi there,
I went to the Dr. today for a follow-up (just my general doctor) and I had seen her a week ago exactly. They weigh me each time I come in and today I weighed 2lbs more than I did last week! I've been doing very well with my eating (eating a lot more than usual) and I have been feeling good about that, but now I'm sort of scared. Am I going to be gaining weight at this incredible pace now? I haven't even been eating THAT much and I've already put on 2lbs? That seems crazy! Especially since Joni, you have been eating sooo many calories and barely putting on any weight. I know we have different bodies, different metabolisms, etc, etc, but still, doesn't this seem ridiculous!? Especially since I honestly haven't even been eating that much.

The only thing that I'm hoping is that since I am supposed to get my period tomorrow or something that maybe I am a little bloated, but that might just be wishful thinking.

Also, one more question. I have had a huge turn around in the past couple of days and all of the sudden realized that I need to beat this thing. Is it normal to hop into recovery this fast? Because most people seem to dabble in recovery, then revert back to eating small amounts, then recover a little more, etc, etc and I feel like I am just jumping on the band wagon. That scares me because I feel like a) I am going to gain weight faster than most people and b) it's just weird - how can I all of the sudden go start eating normally? Isn't something supposed to be WRONG with me??? I'm just really confused how this whole recovery thing usually goes for other people and if I'm normal. Does it usually just HIT you all of the sudden and you go "oh my god, what am i doing!??!"

PS- Comments on my day today??
Breakfast: Banana, 1-2 cups strawberries, Medium nonfat latte
Snack: 5 lifesavers
Lunch: Vegetarian chili with black beans and tomatoes (probably close to 2 cups), looonnnngg bread stick, 1 tbsp sour cream
Snack: Large fuji apple, few raisins
Dinner: chicken salad?
Dessert: frozen yogurt with maybe some kind of topping

I think if you just started to eat more it is very possible that in the beginning you gain some water weight because your cells fill back up with hydration. Just as when somebody goes on a diet at first they lose more and then it levels off.
And oh yes before my period I have weight up to 4 pounds more than normal!!

The food you listed doesn't sound like very much. More like somebody who's on a diet. Healthy, and balanced, ok, but low calorie.

Kathrin

Sweetheart, You NEED to gain weight and you know it. 2 lbs in one week is NOT a lot, and it is probably water weight or related to your period, because you are NOT eating enough food to gain weight. You keep going back and forth in your approach to your recovery...one post, you say you realize you need to beat your ED and gain weight and see a nutritionist and this post you wonder if you should jump into recovery so fast. The answer is YES- you SHOULD. What in the world could be wrong with jumping into recovery quickly and putting your full energy into it?? Anyways, you aren't jumping into it quickly..you have been debating wether or not you even have an ED very recently.


You WILL gain some weight when you start to eat the amount of calories you shoud have been eating all along. A lot of the weight you will gain in the beginning will be water weight. You may bloat up...that isn't abnormal.

You will not recover if you freak out over gaining 2 lbs when it is the intention of your recovery to gain weight. You "weight gain" is PROGRESS. And I can pretty much assure you it is water weight because you would need to atleast double or triple what you are eating now to gain any weight.

Just some info..a pint's a pound the world around. Retaining 1 quart of water=2 pounds. Best of luck.

I have definitely been eating more than I was eating before, which I know is a good thing, but it is also the reason I feel like I could have possibley gained that 2lbs in a week. Yes, I am on my period and I always hold on to water during it, but it's still hard for me to justify the scale jumping up 2lbs in a week. I guess that's just part of my ED brain though. I also eat a lot of salt, so maybe that makes it worse.

The day that I listed was not a light day - I really feel like I ate a lot more than usual. But I still understand that it was healthy and lowfat. Tonight I am having a big mexican dinner that we are cooking at home (yummy), but I'm feeling kind of bad b/c I was PLANNING on doing yoga this afternoon and I never did it. I went for a walk this morning (2.5-3 miles), but for some reason I don't feel like I did enough at all. I wanted to go for another walk this evening (same distance) but I couldn't get motivated so I didn't. Now I feel bad.

I am definitely going full on into this recovery and I know that I need to gain weight, but it's still hard to face the actual number going up. And I still don't know if it's normal to be this "normal" about it so quickly, you know?

Have you considered asking your doctors NOT to tell you your weight when you get weighed? It can be detrimental in the beginning of recovery. It is hard to recover when you are obsessed over the one thing you need to do to start to recover...gain weight. I don't know what your therpist(s) would say about this, but I don't see how NOT knowing how much you weigh/you much weight you gain is going to "hurt" your recovery, in fact I think it could help.

And BTW, a persons weight can fluctuate 3-5 lbs NORMALLY, and that does NOT mean they gained weight..and if you have your period, be glad the scale only jumped 2 lbs because I know some women who gain 5+ lbs of water during their period. NEVER weigh yourself during your period.

Just out of curiosity, how much weight DO you think you should gain per week/per month once you are eating normally??

Have you seen a nutritionist that has mapped out exactly what you should be eating at breakfast, lunch and dinner?? I think that is crucial for you, and would make you feel sooo much better if you have a professional telling you exactly what you need to eat. It takes the guesswork out of the game.

And it WILL take time for your metabolism to "get runnin'" again! When you have eaten so little (and you DO eat so little for a girl of 6 foot) for so long, when you start to eat more your body will hold onto those calories. But after months of eating well, the right amount of calories, your body WILL adjust.

Are you in treatment yet with and ED specialist?? Seeing a nutritionist??

I don't think all the walking you are doing is good for you. I think the professionals would agree. Exercise is a no-no for people trying to recover from an ED. Low impact yoga for flexibility is OK, but you are just burning off calories you can't afford to lose by walking.

I just know that you can get better when you have the right support team (ED specialists and a nutritionist) and you are completely, 100% committed to doing anything and everything it takes to get better. As some who tried to quit being bulimic MANY times in the past, I can tell you that if you aren't 100% committed, you will fail. Your heart has to be in it all the way, and you have to eat X amount of food X times a day EVERY day and you have to let yourself gain weight. I only know how much I weigh when I go to the doctors,and if I feel like knowing how much I weigh will cause my old ED tendancies to flare up I tell the nurse not to tell me my weight.

Best of luck to you

Natalie-
Thanks so much for all of your advice...you're really helping me a lot (even though I ask the same questions and stress over the same things every time I post...I'm sorry about that).
When I go to my therapist she weighs me and does not let me see the scale, which is probably better, but the nurse at my regular doctor weighs me and doesn't know what I'm dealing with so she let's me see it. I am seeing a nutritionist on monday and I'm hoping she can put me at ease a little bit with my eating. It's hard to have it all left up to me, myself, and I.

I am really scared - I feel like I just started eating more all of the sudden and I am going to spiral out of control, you know? Instead of slowly increasing I feel like I've just gone crazy. Maybe I'm just imagining this, but I can't help but feel that way and it makes me want to put a HALT to this and just restrict for a couple days. I am trying my hardest not to do that. I just ate a big mexican dinner and all I want is frozen yogurt right now, but I feel like I will hate myself if I give in. But then another part of me feels like I should just let myself have it. I can't decide what to do!!!

Here is what I ate today: I know I always ask you, but is this too much? Is it balanced? I feel really bad about it for absolutely no reasonable reason...
Breakfast: coffee with nonfat milk, banana, 1.5 cups regular cheerios, 1/2 c. LF cottage cheese
Snack: 5 hard candies, 6 mini rice cakes
Lunch: (Didn't really have time and wasn't very hungry anyway) - huge fuji apple, baby carrots
Dinner: Grilled chicken, 1/4-1/3c. homemade guacamole, spinach with bell peppers and salsa, baby carrots, several tortilla chips (just felt like I was snacking the whole time I was cooking, even though it was on healthy stuff)

I know it seems like I'm freaking out for no reason, but I truly have changed a lot of things really quickly: stopped exercising, eating more, etc...it's hard to change this quickly....

Hi I am new here and just wanted to say that I relate to what you are going through. I will write more tomorrow. We are going through a lot of the same things.

Hi again!

NO...what you ate was in no way, shape, or form "TOO MUCH" food!! No way, girl!! I bet you didn't even come close to 1,000 calories and I need to eat more than 1,000 calories a day and I am only 5'1''! Remeber: For women, when you drop below 1,200 calories your body can go into starvation mode. And you are not eating 1,200+ calories a day (maybe some days you do, but not on the sample menus you are providing).

I don't think you realize how few calories you are consuming, because you feel like you are eating a lot of food (which you aren't). That is why I think the nutritionist will be such a big help.

How much weight do you feel you need to gain to be healthier??

I looked up your height and weight for you...do you know that your BMI is only 16.3?? That is the danger zone, sweetie!! Your BMI should be atleast 19.

You should also be eating around 2,200-2,500 calories a day. OR MORE.

You did not...let me stress this...DID NOT gain 2 lbs, despite what the scale said. It is water, or menstraul related. You are not eating enough to gain weight.

Please believe me when I say that every day will get easier. You are just starting your recovery...of course it is very hard now. I know the frustration and emotions you are having. But you WILL get comfortable with eating and being at a healthier weight. It just takes time.

Please make sure you tell your nutritionist that you are walking 2-3 miles a day sometimes because that will effect the amount of calories she/he will want you to eat a day. I hope your appt. will help you.

And it is OK that you are asking the same questions over and over I know how hard the beginning of recovery is! I just wish I could make you understand that you are going to have to just trust your doctors and do what they say and relinquish some control right now because the control you want to have is going to mean restricting your food. Right now, you just don't know what is best for you. But you will learn!
You will make it through this!

LS i can understand it has to be feeling pretty confusing for you right now but i couldn't agree more with the concerns and advice that others have given to you.
Your ED voice is still talking to you.. telling you you need to exercise, or that you are eating too much etc when in all reality you aren't eating enough at all.

I hope that your appt. will help you to sort through some of it and see clearly that it's more that your body is physically needing in terms of how much you need to eat. Not that it's an easy change at all i'm not saying that but also like others have said you are exercising alot, and you need to be honest with them about that.. when you said...... "I know it seems like I'm freaking out for no reason, but I truly have changed a lot of things really quickly: stopped exercising, eating more, etc...it's hard to change this quickly...."
But you haven't stopped exercising you realize that right? you talked about feeling bad b/c you didn't do yoga today or go for another walk.. that would be walking 6miles in a day for you then.. that's just way too much and i don't mean that to be mean. I know that feeling all so well of feeling like you have to, but that's the ed and it's hard to have that taken away too as other things are being changed like what you eat etc but it's all about that sense of control that's so hard to let go of. but its all about getting you well and to your very best! so you can be happy :)
I bet you can find other things you enjoy to fill in that time, listening to music or writing in a journal or something you enjoy or like someone suggested light yoga and streches.
let us know how things are going! i'll be thinking of you!

I've just gotten to the point where I can't tell the difference between my ED voice and a healthy/balanced voice. Am I being reasonable to not eat that extra serving of guacamole, or am I being restrictive? Do you know what I mean? Am I being reasonable by telling myself I shouldn't exercise, or am I just being lazy? Am I being reasonable to not eat that chocolate after dinner, or am I just listening to my ED voice...I can't tell! So most of the time it feels better to just stay on the safe side. But don't get me wrong, I've been straying from my comfort zone a lot lately, too.

This morning I did yoga and I can't stop thinking that I need to go for a walk or go on the elliptical later. I think I am going to go for a walk, but I don't want to be doing it b/c I feel like I have to - I want to do it b/c I want to. I also don't even feel like that is exercise at all. I feel like it is a lame excuse for exercise, especially since I was running so much before (but I know I can't do that anymore...)

Anyway, just expressing some of how I'm feeling. Tomorrow is my nutritionist appointment. She'll probably have nothing to say b/c she'll see that I'm eating so much food and wonder why I'm even there. I hate imagining that. Oh well - it can't hurt.

No way will she have "nothing to say!" Even people without ED's can benefit from seeing a nutritionist. And girl......Let me just tell you that are totally in denial if you think she'll have nothing to say because you are "eating so much food" when you are not even eating HALF the amount of food you need to eat! You DO NOT eat enough. You don't, hun. You think you are eating a lot, but all of use reading your posts are telling you that you barely eat enough for someone who is a foot shorter than you! Honestly, you barely eat 1,000 calories a day, many times less from the menus you have provided. That is not OK. That is not healthy. It is not OK for you to have a BMI under 17 and right now you do. That is how people have heart attacks. It is not OK to walk 3 miles a day. The voice telling you not to have that extra portion of guacamole and that piece of chocolate is you ED voice because you rationale voice is sceaming "feed me more food."

Please be honest with the nutritionist. Do not embellish what you eat on a daily basis. Tell her how much you exercise.

I will not embellish what I eat when I go see the nutritionist because I really DO want to know if I am not eating enough because I honestly feel like I am right now. Ok, please look at today...Is it not normal that I think this is a "full" day:
Breakfast- large apple, grapefruit segments, grande nonfat latte, raspberries
Snack-blueberries (almost 1 cup!), 5 jordan almonds, 10-20 grapes
Lunch- 3 rice cakes, 1/2 cup LF cottage cheese, 1 tomato, kiwi strawberry snapple
Snack-Dried mango
Dinner-grilled chicken, steamed broccoli and spinach, 1/4 c. black beans, bunch of baby carrots
Dessert- not sure yet
Exercise - elliptical 30 mins, ran 10 mins

Today at the gym I weighed myself and my weight is not only still up, it is up more! I just don't understand why it keeps going up...it's barely even been a week and a half!!

WHY DID YOU WEIGH YOURSELF????

WHY DID YOU GO TO THE GYM???


Are you serious about recovering?? Because those are not the behaviors of someone who is serious about recovering.

Rice cakes, 1 tomato and some cottage cheese is NOT a lunch.
You ate nothing but fruit for breakfast (the non fat latte is so low cal and is not food, so it doesn't count)
The only decent meal you had was dinner.

And as I said before, the reason you are going to gain weight quickly in the beginning is because it is WATER WEIGHT. When you starve yourself (and you practically are...) and then start to eat, of course your body is going to want to gain some weight! It is desperate to get to a healthy weight.

I don't mean to sound harsh...but you are listening but not hearing anything that people are saying to you. You already know the answers to the questions you are asking. You are justifying your actions. You are a sick girl, and you need to understand that. You have a disorder and you are on a starvation diet right now. If you don't want to gain weight, then you will never recover.

No your day is not normal...maybe some aspects are, but overall it is not. How many people do you know have rice cakes and half a cup of cottage cheese for lunch? Moreover, if they do, then how many people follow that with one chicken breast and steamed veggies for dinner? A 'normal' and 'healthy' day would be a more substantial lunch, for starters, and even a heartier dinner. Where are your carbs, really? For lunch , why not have a sandwich with meat and cheese (or a tuna/egg salad), veggies and a fruit? For dinner, add some carbs- a pita, some wild rice, pasta, etc. While in theory your lunches and dinners are better, please don't think that they are clsoe to being enough yet.

As far as your weight goes- the body is a fickle thing. The weight you are seeing liekly is not true weight. Reread your OWN post in the other thread where you clearly explain to the poster that it takes 3500 Cals extra to gain ONE pound. Based on what youre eating (and how much youre working out), you've added MAYBE 100 Cals, barely more. Yes, it may feel like youve added a lot, but you've still got a long way to go, especially if you think that your day is normal! As far as weight goes, I suggest you stop weighing yourself except with the doctor. It doesnt help your progress at all, in any way, given that your mind is still deluded with the notion that gaining is bad, even though you must do it.

On a sidenote, I know you're super stressed about what you eat and everything, but I just want to suggest that maybe you not post your day's menu as often in such detail. Because it's a recovery board, many girls here still struggle with their own issues, and they may find this info triggering or misconstrue it in their own minds so that they end up hurting their progress..just a thought..

You're definitely right about not posting what I eat. I can totally see why it would be a trigger for other people and the last thing I want to do is make anyone else second guess what they are doing/eating. I just look for reassurance after everything I eat and that is another thing I need to get over - I need to be able to eat something bad and not make sure it was "ok" that I did it.

As far as the weight gain goes, I really hope you are right and that it is just water (especially since I am currently on my period), but I still have this worry that it's not and that my metabolism has just completely slowed down and eating what I'm eating now is enough to put on weight...but I'm probably just being irrational.

You're also right to notice that I don't have a lot of carbs in my meals. I think it's b/c I got sort of scared of carbs during the whole low-carb craze and now I find myself limiting them a lot. But the thing is, I'll tell myself I won't eat toast or cereal at breakfast b/c I want a sandwich for lunch, but then at lunch I'll just decide to get a salad and that I'll have rice or potatoes at dinner, and then the cycle just continues until I've eaten barely any carbs all day. Tomorrow I'll try and add in some "good" carbs though b/c I notice it curbs my cravings for sweets and stuff later at night.

Thanks for all your advice...you're pointing out really important things to me.

ls, sorry it took me so long to get to this post, but i'm almost glad it did. my advice to you at first would've been much different than what i'm about to write now that all these other people have posted to you and you've responded, etc. first of all, reread EVERYTHING that was posted to you on these threads (especially from Natalie). there is some da** good advice and coping strategies and blunt facts of reality in those posts and i think you need to reread each of them AT LEAST once. nothing that anyone said was "untrue" and i think it was all very applicable to your situation.

my opinion? A) you aren't eating enough, B) you're exercising too much, and C) this potential "weight gain" is really shaking you up. (i'm not judging that last one at all by the way, as i KNOW how unsettling it can be and it's okay to feel anxious. What is NOT okay is to regress back into ED because of the anxiety, which is what i see you doing.) i'm gonna try to be relatively brief and to the point with this post, because i really think that everyone else has said what i would say anyway. (that being said, i've got A LOT to say, so we'll see how "short" i can make it, lol!)

you DESPERATELY need a very concrete and strict meal plan and i hope the nutritionist today gives you one. (if she doesn't, you need to DEMAND one. you can't do this part on your own). you are not eating ANYWHERE NEAR enough calories and you haven't done so for even ONE day in the past month or more. you may "think" you're eating more, but really, it's all mental. you're eating nearly the exact same "diet" you were two weeks ago. your perception of meals is TOTALLY skewed, which is contributing to the problem. for example, 4 kinds of fruit does not = a breakfast. rice cakes are a meal component in ANY form. they are a "diet snack" and nothing more. what you're doing is EXTREMELY dangerous because you THINK you're eating more than before (even though you actually aren't), so you're feeling all the anxiety that comes with eating more than ED wants you to eat. see the problem? how are you going to actually START eating an appropriate amount when you're having all this anxiety over what you're eating right now (which is WAY too little)? this is a BIG deal and you need to insist on a VERY structured meal plan (probably one where you have very little choice at first) to break this undereating cycle. i hope you are completely honest with the nutritionist today so she can see this very obvious problem. also, make sure you tell her that you consider this "a lot of food." she needs to know you think this is "normal" and that you don't realize how much you are undereating. it'll help her structure your meal plan.

exercise, exercise, exercise ... WAY WAY WAY too much!!! planning on 5-6 miles walks?!?! and you're trying to tell us in other posts that you aren't exercising? come on, ls! that's crap and you know it. you need a STRICT, STRUCTURED set of rules for that too. tell your therapist and nutritionist how much you've been walking and ask for rules on how much you are allowed to walk each day. (and stop going to the gym!) and then, along with your meal plan, YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW THOSE RULES. i'm sorry, but that's the only way any of this can actually help you recover in any way.

finally, your metabolism and potential weight gain and the speed of it and all that. you asked how i was at first when i started recovery so i'll try to post it for you. here's the KEY FACT, however, that DOES make our situations very, very different: i'd been binging for about 9 months. i was 15 pounds heavier than i am now when i started recovery because i was eating absolutely out of control right up to starting therapy. my binges were regularly well over 4000 calories in one sitting and they happened often, so my weight and metabolism at that time were NOT anything that can be compared to yours, okay? i know we compare ourselves left and right, but this is one where i don't think it's applicable, you know?

but since you asked, i'll tell you, as i think there's ONE part that might be comparable. my binging slowed and then basically stopped shortly after i started therapy. i started out at 1200 calories a day and we increased me about 300 calories every week or two depending on lots of things: whether i'd been binging, losing weight, maintaining my weight, feeling hungry, etc. basically, because of the binging and because i was starting out at a higher weight, my situation is WAY different from yours. so yeah, i lost weight at first, because i wasn't eating enough once the binging was gone, you know? HOWEVER, and i think this is applicable, i did NOT lose weight quickly at that time, even though i was only eating around like 1500-1800 calories with NO binging, because my metabolism was SLOWED DOWN from not eating enough. then as i increased my calories, my weight would sometimes go up a little, but then my metabolism would pick up and it would go back down. so basically, THAT'S why i am where i am right now and i have NO idea whether this is normal or not.

i think it could apply to you however, in that you may gain pound or two or FIVE at first, because your metabolism is VERY slow trying to keep you alive. and you may gain these pounds eating less than 2000 calories a day (even though that's NOT enough for you to maintain a healthy weight because of your height). this is NORMAL for recovering anorexics. you have to be ready for it to happen and willing to accept it if it does. however, your metabolism WILL normalize and pick up speed and then you're gonna have to eat even MORE to keep your weight up. but in the beginning, yes, you may gain weight quickly on a relatively low-calorie diet. i just can't compare directly because i was coming from the world of binge-eating-induced weight gain, you know? i really hope all of this makes sense as i think it's probably what's happening.

anyway, reread all those posts and get some VERY strict guidelines on food and exercise from your nutritionist and therapist. and then FOLLOW it regardless of ANYTHING else. this is really the only way out and i KNOW you can do it. also, what you said about not even knowing left from right in terms of which is your "real" voice talking and which is your "ed" voice (ie: in terms of "should i have that or not?"), i just want to say that i can empathize completely. that's a really tough one for me too, BUT i think the structure of my therapy has helped me with it. at first it was, just keep following the plan (cuz i really COULDN'T distinguish whether i was hungry/not hungry, wanted cake because i did or because i felt that i should/shouldn't, lazy/ed-motivated to exercise). but now, after a few months, i AM able to distinguish between those voices at most times. i know whether i'm choosing to do/not do something because my ed voice says it or because my real voice says it. it doesn't mean i always make the *right* choice, but i CAN distinguish between the two now. and i really think that comes from the structure of my plans at first. basically, i didn't HAVE to think at first, all my decisions were made for me so i just had to deal with the emotions, you know?

anyway, i think i'm done and i hope this helps. ("short," just like i said it'd be, isn't it???)

Haha - I love your long posts! You always hit the nail right on the head...
I'm nervous to go to this nutritionist today b/c I seriously feel like I'm eating enough to gain weight right now (b/c I HAVE gained weight) and if she gives me this insane meal plan I'm going to freak out. I eat out a lot, too, so how do you incorporate this into a meal plan? If she says "4oz of chicken, vegetables, fat" for dinner or something, what do I do if I go out to chinese food with my friends, for example?

And about the exercise - I'm really only doing 2.5-3 miles at most and not even everyday. And I'm walking it, not even running. I'll ask the nutritionist about it though.

Isn't it the calories that matters, also? You said four kinds of fruits is barely even a breakfast, but if it has a lot of calories in it, then what's the problem? A banana cut up with blueberries, strawberries, and raspberries...? And I don't just eat the rice cakes plain - I use them just to pile other stuff on top of - like cottage cheese and stuff. And they are a good source of carbs, right?

When you were binging for 9 months you gained 15 lbs?! So then when you went into recovery you LOST the 15lbs? Why wouldn't you have just started from where you were, 15lbs heavier, if you are underweight now anyway?

try not to worry about the nutritionist too much, hon! just tell her potential "problems," like going out to eat, etc. her job is to help you develop a meal plan that works within your lifestyle and don't worry, that's what she's gotta do for everyone, so she's probably REALLY good at it. just take your time and think through the things that she tells you to do and make sure you fully understand everything. ask as many questions as you need to, you know? but also keep in mind, your gonna have to make some sacrifices/changes at first just to get on the road to recovery and weight gain. you might have to choose certain types of dinners, etc. when you go out to eat so you can stick within your plan. but it's just temporary, you know? anyway, i know it'll work out . . . i've got a feeling this nutritionist is gonna be great!

in terms of fruit not really being a good breakfast, here's my reasoning. a serving of fruit is like 60-70 calories (i think bananas might be like 100). so if you have 4 FULL servings (which i doubt, cuz that's A LOT of fruit, like 4 cups), it's only 310 calories tops. that's really not enough. plus it's a VERY unbalanced way to start the day. fruit is GREAT for you, but you need some non-sugar carbs, dairy and protein in that breakfast, you know? if you have all four of those components A) you'll have a MUCH more well-rounded, healthy meal and B) you'll easily get more calories. that's why i'm so against the fruit breakfast everyday. i just get the feeling you're afraid to have much else cuz fruit is "safe," you know? (and i'm perfectly willing to admit that i could be wrong in this) same thing for the rice cakes. you eat them 5 out of 7 days a week with cottage cheese and some other unsubstanstile food item for lunch. if that isn't a "safe-food," then i don't know what is. why not a sandwich with some cottage cheese and a rice cake on the side??? (cuz it's not "safe," right?) rice cakes are a SUPER low source of NOTHING. they are a food for people on diets to snack on and really nothing more. the only "health benefit" they've got going for them is that they're low cal, you know? so, no, they aren't a good source of carbs. it's like saying rice krispies are a good source of carbs! you need REAL FOOD for lunch. not piddly little rice cakes with light cottage cheese as a meal, k?

in terms of my recovery and the loss of the 15 pounds, no, it wasn't intentional. the goal was to keep my weight in the same range, but lose the binging and the anorexia. but you have to remember that i was binging uncontrollably like 50% of the days. so my "diet" was so f***ed up, i was TERRIFIED of food and i would be binging before i even realized it was happening. so i HAD to start on a lower calorie diet (like 1200 at first) to not feel totally out of control and just binge (which would basically blow everything up and we'd have no idea how my body responded to "X" calories a day). does that make sense? i was SO scared of binging that when we DID increase my diet (by smaller increments like 100 calories at first), i'd be terrified and usually the fear and anxiety would lead to a couple massive, destructive binges. (obviously, i wasn't doing this intentionally). so then we'd stay at that calorie level for awhile to keep me from binging more, i'd gain confidence and then we'd increase my intake a little more. however, during that time is when the weight dropped off. BUT my therapist couldn't have just jumped me up to 2500 calories cuz i'd have probably freaked out with anxiety and as much as i would try not to, end up binging really bad. then everything'd be f***ed up with post-binge sick feelings, feelings of failure and anxiety, etc. get it? so no, the weight loss was NOT the goal, it was more of an side effect, you know? obviously, it'd have been better if i could've started recovery at that weight and actually just maintained it, but it just wasn't really feasible since i couldn't eat enough to maintain that weight without a VERY high risk of binging. anyway, that's my story! it was a horrible time, but i feel really good when i remember how far i've come since then ... i hardly ever even get the URGE to binge anymore, and when i do, it's very easy for me to divert my attention until it passes. ugh, that was such an icky time . . . i honestly believed i would NEVER stop binging cuz it seemed so out of my control. you know, dealing with this anorexia part sucks, i agree, but the binging was WAY worse. well i guess if i've beat one, i can beat the other!!! good luck at the nutritionist!

I totally understand. In high school when I suffered from anorexia I did some binging myself at the beginning of recovery. I remember eating an entire box of cheerios one night - an ENTIRE box - and just feeling completely helpless. It was 100 times worse than the anorexia itself. And the worst part about it is that then you feel like you need to compensate big-time for the binge and then you set yourself up for another binge! It's horrible! I'm really glad you got past that point and you are so much more in control now. Isn't it weird how when you think you are IN control you are actually OUT of control and when you are OUT of control you are actually just way too IN control? You know? I just find it so paradoxical.

Anyway, I went to the nutritionist today and it was really good. She's really nice and understanding and I feel like she is going to be very helpful. The only thing that bothers me about going to a nutritionist is that when they start to make an outline of a meal plan with servings of dairy, meat, etc, I start to freak out that "what if I decide to eat MORE that day? Or what if I actually eat SIX servings of this and not FOUR? Am I not allowed to do that? Of course I am, but you know that feeling. It's like I don't want any restrictions at all. The main thing we want to work on increasing at first is my carbohydrates and my fats. She said that what I'm eating is really great and really healthy and I'm making good choices, but I have a lot of bulk in fruits and vegetables and it's just not enough calories (and not enough grains and fat).
She gave me this "hunger scale" sheet that I don't like either. She said she wants me to stay between "comfortably full and hungry" and not get to "overly full" and "starving"...but that's just another thing that makes me nervous - what IF I get overly full? I know that all of these things are so stupid to even ask, but I just honestly hate having these imposed guidelines that I can't venture away from. It makes me anxious. Do you know what I mean? Have you ever felt that way with your meal plan or anything?

She also didn't seem to against the exercise. She just said I need to eat more so that I can exercise and not be in a calorie deficit...which makes sense. So I think I'll continue to exercise as long as she says it's ok.

One last thing that I still need to figure out how to handle is this frozen yogurt thing. I am honestly addicted (like I want it every night after dinner), but I CAN'T let myself do that. I've had it four nights in a row and tonight when my dad suggested it I got angry. Why? Because I wanted it, but I felt like that would be so gluttonous. So what should I do - should I make a limit to the # of times a week I can have it so that I feel in control? Should I just ban it altogether b/c it is too much to deal with? Or should I just make room for it everyday and plan on getting it??? I can't decide what the best choice is for myself. What do you think?

Joni- how are you doing with everything? What ever happened with the cake thing? Any other bdays come up recently? Are you still exercising? If you are having such a hard time gaining weight, have you thought about giving up your exercise altogether? I know that would be hard, but it would help. Also, do you ever go out drinking with friends? I am wondering about that b/c that is a lot of extra calories (at least when I do it it is...haha) and I don't know how to work my day out so that I don't feel bad about that. Lighter dinner? Big lunch, no dinner? What do you think? I don't want to have to feel bad about going out and having fun, but I also don't want to take in 1000 extra calories in one night! You know?

hey, it sounds like your nutritionist had some good advice - you DEFINITELY need more fat, carbs and calories and she seemed to pick up on that. in terms of "what if you have 6 servings instead of 4 or get 'overly full'," i'm not gonna give you the answer because you already know the answer. you know exactly what to do in that situation because you realize that ALL of this is in an effort to get you eating more healthily and freely. so one little thing that doesn't line up 100% exactly with your plan should be something you can deal with without going off hog-wild on the restrictions or the binges, you know? i know the apprehension about living within these "food guidelines," but it's just something you gotta do, i think. i don't think there's really any other way to convince a recovering anorexic to eat more variety and more calories total, and that's why so many of us end up with meal plans, you know?

in terms of exercise, run it by your therapist just to make sure it's okay but otherwise, cool, keep it up. definitely don't add any more as you're already doing a LOT (more than me!) between the yoga and the daily walking.

frozen yogurt . . . sigh. i've said what i'm about to say to you about 10 times already, so this is the last time, okay? (p.s. - i'm not mad or anything, i just want you to ACCEPT this and know that it's okay!) EAT YOUR DA** FROZEN YOGURT/CHOCOLATE EVERY DAY AS DESSERT. stop obsessing about it, stop worrying about it, stop restricting it. include it in your mind as part of your meal plan: 1 daily dessert. DON'T substitute it for some food you're supposed to be eating, just eat it as your ONE extra.

ah, alcohol. first of all, let me say that i'm a BAD example of what to do in this situation. i used to go out drinking ALL the time and NEVER worry about it (and repeat: i was not fat!), but unfortunately, ED has stolen that from me. So, what do i think you should do (and know i should do)? Go out, drink, not restrict AT ALL before and after and just have fun. After all, you know that's what everyone else is doing right? they aren't skipping out on meals and starving all day just so they can drink a couple gin & tonics, right?!?

Okay, so what do i actually do? first of all, i DON'T restrict my food, no way. that is just simply WAY too unhealthy and anorexic in my mind. i DO NOT suggest that you skip or skimp on ANY meals just because you're gonna be drinking. if you plan on doing that, then i'd suggest forbidding yourself from drinking until you can not starve yourself in order to do it. i usually just substitute the calories i'll take in drinking for calories other places in my diet. (remember, i have A LOT of calories to work with!) so, i'll not have dessert and the juice i'm supposed to have with dinner, so i can have a couple drinks when we go out. does that make sense? in NO WAY, do i skip out on actual food though. so, best case is to just drink and not worry, but if you aren't comfortable with that, then i'd suggest substituting alcohol for your nightly dessert (which i hope you WILL be adding every day!). i think as we recover we become more comfortable with everything and don't obsess over every 1/4 calorie, but for now, i'd say that's a relatively healthy, balanced way of dealing with the situation.

in terms of what i'm doing, could you check out my last post to Piscean (the thread's called "Trying to get to the bottom of my feelings..." I'm sorry, i'm just getting tired of typing!!) Anyway, i'd REALLY like your input and support on what i'm doing this week (2 times, eek!). I'm nervous about it cuz it's gonna mean i'll probably come close to 4000 calories those days since i have to keep the rest of the whole 3300-3400 meal plan intact (normal people NEVER eat that much!), but i'm trying not to think of the calories too much. okay, now i'm freaking out! read it and help!

Yeah, I really like this nutritionist. I like how she isn't focusing so much on calories as she is on food groups. My goal with her right now is to get a certain amount of dairy, a certain amount of carbohydrates, a certain amoung of protein, fat, etc...that approach works a lot better for me. In terms of the exercise, both she and my therapist seem to think it is ok, but only as long as I increase my calories accordingly, which I am going to try and do. I am only going to do 30 minutes and not everyday.

About the alcohol, that is very good advice because every time I try and eat a very small dinner before I go out drinking or skimp ridiculously throughout the day, I end up miserable when I go out b/c I either get drunk too fast, am hungry, or just keep thinking about food! I think for a little while it is good for me to just go easy on the drinking b/c even though it's so much fun (most of the time), I usually end up feeling guilty the next day or restricting my food, which is bad. Besides, going out can be so overrated - haha.

I haven't read your other post yet, but I will right now and I'll respond over there. I can sort of tell the gist of it, though - you're afraid to go out on a limb those couple days and eat 4000 calories, right? Well, you're obviously not making much progress where you are (your metabolism is just burning calories like crazy!!!) and I think you're ready to start putting on a little weight since you've been trying for so long. I remember your last post where you were almost frustrated. You have been mentally preparing and it's time to get your body up to date with your mind. I know it is still going to be hard, but physically you really need to gain some weight at this point. Besides, doing that only 2x a week wouldn't be drastic at all - you'd probably barely even see a change at first. I know that's a lot of food, but what if you incorporated some high calorie shakes or bars? Those are easy to take away and you won't get as full (hopefully) as you would by eating 4000 calories of regular food. Just an idea. Anyway, I haven't even read the post yet, haha...I'll post another little something over there if I have more to say.