Hi everyone :wave:
I don't really know why I'm posting, maybe I'm just looking for some words of encouragement or something.

My husband and I just got back from Cancun (had a great time), but I ate A LOT, and did so mainly for my hubby's benefit so he would not worry for a change. I have now gained almost 10lbs!!! I am so depressed and totally freaking out. I feel like I have lost total control. I told myself as soon as I got home, I would totally go back to restricting just long enough to lose back to where I was, then I will go back to eating again, but I will do better and not gain so much weight, and definitely not that fast ever again.

I read the thread that a lot of people responded to about why we fear gaining weight so much, and I was so amazed that we all pretty much feel the same way about it. I have no idea why I can't let myself get to a normal weight and feel fine with it, but I just can't. I took a book about recovering from anorexia with me on my trip and read it, and it talked a lot about what you all were discussing about the whole low self-esteem thing being a major cause of ED's, and I do think that is the biggest issue I have. I thought long and hard and realized I have NEVER liked myself. I have always felt like I never did anything good enough, EVER. I guess maybe that's part of why I liked losing weight so much. Joni (and I think someone else) mentioned never having been overweight, well, that's me too. I've always been below what I should weigh for my height (5'6), and I used to eat anything and everything I wanted without it affecting me at all. Somewhere along the way though, I guess it did affect me b/c my thighs all of a sudden became what I call "thunder thighs". I HATE them! My husband always told me I looked great (before I lost the weight), and that my thighs were fine. But fine wasn't good enough for me, I wanted to look AWESOME!! I guess that's that whole perfectionism thing coming out (the book said that was a major contributing factor also), I definitely have problems with that, but have no idea how to change that thinking pattern.

My book says you have to learn to love yourself, and then you won't want to hurt yourself. One way to do that is to actually look at pictures of yourself as a child, but don't think of it as you, just think of it as a cute little girl, and think of how you would take care of her if you could be there with her. A little corny I know, but it goes on to say that if you can make yourself just fall in love with this child, you can make yourself realize that child is you, and that YOU deserve to be taken care of.

I did that, and it seemed to be working a little for me, but after I saw how much weight I gained, everything went back downhill. I'm still planning on recovering, I just have to get back to a decent weight first, then I'll start over again.

Sorry this was sooooo long, I haven't posted in a while and had a lot to get off my chest. If you actually took the time to read this, thanks for listening.

Any comments or words of encouragement from you guys would be greatly appreciated, you are all so awesome!

Hope you're all doing really well!!!

Dawgfan,
First of all GOOD FOR YOU for eating whatever you wanted in Cancun. You were on VACATION and guess what?...most normal people do that! Unbelievable, right? And another thing, they DON'T think about it when they get home - all they think about is how much fun the vacation was!! What did you guys do on your trip? Did you snorkel? Lay on the beach? How was the food you ate? Were there good margaritas? THESE are the things you should be remembering...not how many calories you ate in tortilla chips and guacamole and how much exercise you need to do now...think about how much energy you are wasting!!

Anyway, NOW is what we are concerned about; not the past. You cannot be in this mindset right now that you need to get back to a "normal" weight and then you will recover - that makes no sense!! You need to use this as a test for your strength. It is uncomfortable, but that is why it is going to HELP you. If it were comfortable and easy to recover, everyone would do it and there probably wouldn't even be this board to vent on! You had a normal, relaxed vacation and there is absolutely nothing you should feel bad about. You absolutely did not gain 10 lbs of fat and you should not have weighed yourself right when you got back. It is physically impossible that you gained that much weight.

All I want you to realize is that you are at a fork in the road and you can either a) restrict tomorrow and get back to a low weight, but then you probably will never progress in your recovery or b) use this as a strengthening experience and just eat healthily and normally the next few days and you will most likely drop water weight anyway. Try meditating and just thinking about how wonderful your time with your husband was and how beautiful cancun was...put your focus on what really matters...

Hi LS!!

Thanks so much for the encouraging and uplifting response. You've really given me alot to think about. We did have such an awesome time--the margaritas were wonderful!! and I actually have a tan in the winter :cool:

I know I shouldn't feel the least bit guilty about the food and weight gain, but you know how that goes. I just feel like I totally let myself down. I know you're also right about the fact that this is a time when I will just have to deal with feeling uncomfortable if I want to continue with recovery, but that is soooo much easier said than done, you know? Especially when the pants start fitting tighter, that's worse than the number on the scale.

One more thing that I have a problem with is knowing that now that I'm starting to put on weight, people are going to start noticing and thinking "oh, I see she has finally started eating again" and stuff like that, and that is totally embarrassing to me. I know that sounds really weird, but that's the way I feel. It's like I'm letting people know that I gave up and finally gave in to gaining weight, just like the rest of the world. Wow--that sounds really strange, I guess maybe that's the ED part of me talking, b/c when I go back and read that, I know it's not logical thinking at all since everyone has been begging me to gain weight for so long now. I don't know, my thinking is just all over the place right now.

I am going to sit down and seriously think about everything you said, hopefully with the logical part of my brain and not with the ED part.

You've really lifted my spirits. If there's anything I can do for you, please let me know. I have read your recent posts, and I do wish you would try to stop measuring the portions of everything you eat, just pick what you want to eat, and eat it. Don't worry about counting the number of this and that, you know normal people don't sit around and keep up with every bite they put in their mouths. (Please don't take any of this the wrong way, I realize this is totally the pot calling the kettle black, but I really want to help you too. It's much easier thinking logically for someone else than for yourself, you know?) Anyway, thanks again for your advice!! :)

Hi Dawgfan! I am SO happy that what I said made you feel at least a little bit better and gave you some things to think about - please seriously consider what I told you! You are going to be fine and I think the one thing you should focus on right now is NOT thinking about what other people are thinking. Picture yourself walking down the street and passing a sick, emaciated looking girl. Now say you walked down that same street every single day (if it was near your house or something) and you saw her every single day...If after a few weeks you noticed her jeans were fitting her better and maybe she had gained weight, wouldn't you feel SO much happier for her, for you, and for mankind!? Haha. I'm serious! It is so uplifting to see people be and become healthy and you would not for a SECOND think that she was weaker because she had gained weight. If anything, you would think the opposite!! Am I right?? When you are around people who are more laid back and healthier and just more normal you are more relaxed. It's hard to admit, but people don't want to be around people who are constantly counting calories and obsessed with their weight - it's not fun. People can sense negative and nervous energy and trust me, they can sense it when you are distracted at lunch with how many calories are in your hamburger and not paying attention to what they are saying....

Anyway, I really hope you are taking what I'm saying to heart b/c I think you are so close to realizing how much you want to recover, but you are still unsure. EVERYTHING is so much easier said than done, but that doesn't mean it is impossible. We're all here to support you - you can do it! I promise!

hey, i just got onto this thread (out of town this weekend!) but i wanted to just say hi and let you both know i'm listening. dawgfan, just to back up the awesome things ls said, YOU DID MARVELOUS ON VACATION!!! i'm so happy that you could just let down the control for a week and have fun and smile and eat and not worry. (i'm even a little jealous, cuz i don't think i'd be capable of doing that.) you did SO great, i can't even express it! it sounds like you had a great time with your husband too, so i'm glad you got to experience some of the "rewards" of living outside an ed, you know? anyway, awesome job!!

ls's advice for how to cope with the 10 pounds was dead-on right, so i don't really have anything to add. but i'm here for you! i KNOW how hard it is to deal with that and how strong the urge is to go back (ie: lose weight) and do it "RIGHT," you know? but you gotta trust that those thoughts are just the ED voice f***ing with your head. ed will NEVER want you to gain weight, whether it's 10 pounds in a week or 10 pounds in 6 months, you know? so you've gotta fight that voice telling you "just lose the 10 and THEN you can regain it the "HEALTHY" way." that's basically crap, as i'm sure you know. once you lose it, you will be JUST as hesitant to regain it you know?

anyway, i know how hard it is to sit with that extra weight (which i'm sure makes you look fabulous, by the way!), but you gotta just accept it and try to think about other things. expect that you're gonna think about it ALL the time and feel like crap about it most of the time, so maybe you can start thinking of ways to distract yourself from those thoughts or ways to make yourself feel better about it. this is a great opportunity for you to jump-start into recovery though, i think! yeah, it's gonna be really hard to sit with, but i know you can do it!!

i know what you mean about people noticing or even saying those things we HATE, like "you look so much HEALTHIER!" (which translates in our ed brains to, "wow! you're getting so fat!") that part really sucks and i struggle with it too. it's like i wish i could *secretly* gain weight and no one would notice any difference and definitely, no one would say anything about how "great" i'm looking. i don't know why it bothers me so much either, but it does, even though everyone around me KNOWS i'm trying to recover and gain weight. still, though, it's like i don't want them to notice or comment on it. ls is totally right, though. when you see someone sickly thin start to gain a little weight and just look healthier, you're HAPPY for them. i think that's why people feel the need to comment on it, cuz we honestly DO look better and they want us to know how much better we look at a healthy weight so we don't get tempted to get sickly skinny again, you know? my therapist talks about this a lot and apparently it's very normal and common to HATE the comments/looks from people (even though people mean them in a kind, good, encouraging way). but she says that we really DO look better, even though we don't always see it. she says as anorexics gain weight, their bodies (obviously) look healthier, but also, their faces look more relaxed, brighter, happier . . . now that's something i can look forward to! so i guess just trust that you look much PRETTIER (instead of "healthier," even though i'm sure you look that too) than you did a week ago. maybe thinking in terms of "pretty" will help!

anyway, thinking of you and wishing you the best!

Hi Joni!

You girls (you, LS, & everyone else here) are so awesome with all of your encouraging words of wisdom, even though I know you are all facing trials of your own. It is so much easier to try to help someone else rather than yourself.

I am really trying to get back into the recovery mindset, I've really messed up since I came home from Cancun by completely restricting all food to try to make up for the extra lbs, BUT, coming on here and hearing what you guys have to say is helping me so much, I'm on the verge of giving back in to trying to get healthy once again. I'm just going to look at this as a temporary slip, and just get back to recovering again. I did hear one of those annoying comments today--"you're looking healthier"--yuck!! And it came from my BEST friend of all people, who knows what I'm going through. She had no idea though that I would hate hearing that, she was just trying to make me feel good.

Joni, I have a book I've been reading, and there's a part in there that talks about how long recovery takes. Of course there's no one answer for everyone, but what it does say is that "the path of recovery is inescapably sprinkled with frustrating setbacks and plateaus, that at times may cause you to wonder if you are moving forward. However, these times are actually tremendous opportunities to learn." It goes on to say that recovery is a process, not an event, and that it is unique to each person, but with everyone it demands commitment, determination, and willingness, also it says you will "endure inevitable emotional and sometimes physical discomfort."

Anyway, the only reason I said any of this to you is I read your posts about having a hard time b/c you're trying so hard and don't seem to be getting anywhere. When I read this in this book, I immediately thought of you, so just thought I'd throw it out there for you. Hope it helps a little.

Please just keep trying, if anyone can do it, I know YOU can!!! :)

And thank you and everyone else for all you've been saying to help me along, I don't know how I'd do it without you guys!

dawgfan, thanks so much for the kind words! it's nice to read things like that and i try to remind myself of that when i'm feeling so stuck, like right now. i KNOW deep down that i am getting better and just cuz i don't have tangible process -- weight gain, coping with it, not counting calories, etc, -- doesn't mean i'm not working it all through in my mind, you know?

i hope you're getting back on track relatively quickly. don't feel bad about slipping a little and restricting again. that's normal and expected in recovery. however, the most important thing is that you can notice it, realize what is wrong and get back to where you were before. i know you can! i don't know if you've been into your therapist in the past couple days, but if you haven't, now would be a REALLY good time to give her a call. i think she could help you refocus and more importantly, feel GOOD about your vacation and yourself. anyway, just keep fighting, you've been making A LOT of great progress lately!