I am struggling with whether I want to recover or not. There's a part of me that thrives on the "chaos" that my ED provides for me. And the feeling of wanting to be in control and not wanting to lose my identity (or what feels like my identity).

Can you guys *inspire* me with some of your reasons for wanting to recover?

I can say this for sure: If you are not sure wether or not you are ready to recover, then you aren't ready to recover. All the therapy in the world will not help if you aren't totally committed to beating your ED. Unless you really hate bulimia and all the comes along with it, you aren't ready to recover. And you WILL start to hate bulimia...sooner or later. You don't really like the chaos and "control" it gives you, you just can't imagine anything else. The real control comes when you are able to take care of yourself. Bulimia is controlling you..you aren't controlling it.

i guess i only partly agree with you. because i think my therapy has helped me a lot mentally, i'm working on opening up more and figuring out some things.

yet i still am restricting, overeating, binging and purging. there's this high that you get when not eating that makes you feel like you are in control. And by not wanting to recover is basically wanting to be able to continue to get that high. Even though it usually ends in overeating, or b/ping. It's like I'm addicted to this cycle or something, yet somehow i feel like im still in control, even though logically i know i'm not.

yeah so well said natalie, it's so true and so sad that what starts off as something we think we have control over, completely takes control over our whole lives. It might only affect part of things like what we eat in the begining but slowly and surely it overtakes everything. I mean no one wakes up and says yes today i think i'd really love to be deceived once again by these lies -i know i am believing and giving into each day that makes me into someone I never wanted to be or do things i never would have thought i would do or think?

it's so ironic yet what little "control" I feel i do have like what i eat or when etc, that little bit is what i fight so hard to fully give up,

Mandabear- I don't know it's such a complex thing b/c i understand your question and it can be scary and hard to think of how to cope/ live daily life without relying on the ED or the ways that we use to cope, or at least it is for me.

Yet at the same time i don't love who it makes me either. I want to be free and not be living and coping with life like this as i have for so long. i want to live and not be ruled by food i eat or don't eat,or what a number tells me i weigh. if you watch a child jump and run and play and laugh and just enjoy life, that's how free i want to be from this all, it's like saying goodbye to a friend who really isn't a friend but your secret enemy and fighting the lies off. it's not easy work and something i'm definately still in the process off, but for me it has also meant seeing recently that there are issues i need to address that i've buried from the past, and also things i need to see within myself that have to change. it's something that didn't start overnight and won't go away that fast either but just know there are others who are out there that understand! i hope you can get some help!


i like this song..
"To anyone who hides behind a smile
To anyone who holds their pain inside
To anyone who thinks they’re not good enough
To anyone who feels unworthy of love
To anyone who ever closed the door
Closed their eyes and locked themselves away
You don’t have to hide
You don’t have to hide anymore
You don’t have to face this on your own
You don’t have to hide anymore
So come out, come out, come out wherever you are
Anyone who’s trying to cover up their scars
To anyone who’s ever made a big mistake
We all been there, so don’t be ashamed
Come out, come out and join the rest of us
You’ve been alone for way too long
And if you feel like no one understands
Come to the One with scars on His hands
‘Cause He knows where you are and where you’ve been
His scars will heal you if you let Him" -Joy Williams

i like that song:-) i think i've heard it before somewhere.

You know what's funny? Before I could never understand why women/men stay in abusive relationships. I couldn't understand why they would allow themselves to be treated in such a horrible manner. Why couldn't they just see that, realize it for what it was, and get out? Didn't they know they could be so much happier and not have to deal with that abuse? How could anyone put up with that? If they wanted so much for the abuse to stop, why didn't they just get up and leave?

And now when I compare that to my eating disorder, I completely understand. The wanting to stay because ED is the only thing that's ever made you feel okay, the guy that's been there whenever something went wrong, the guy that helped you along, so why should you care if he beats up on you once in awhile? because after all, he didn't mean it right? he was probably just angry with something that you did afterall. And besides, all those promises that he makes for life to get better!

And it makes me realize that my eating disorder is feeding me lies, yet i'm believing them, and i'm still staying in the relationship.

Wow, I love that song!!

I wish I knew the tune to it so I could sing it to myself.

Sorry, I meant to also reply to the original thread here. I actually sat down a while back and made a list of reasons to get better and reasons not to get better. There were more in my list of reasons to get better, although there are many, many times I have to mentally go back to that list, like right now when I'm on the fence between continuing with recovery or not.

Some things for me are my kids, my hubby, my parents. Also, just the desire to have a normal life again--to be able to go out to eat and ENJOY the whole experience, including eating a dessert! Also, not having to worry about whether or not people are talking about you behind your back, wondering if you're anorexic, and that kind of thing b/c that stuff really bothers me a lot.

Anyway, those are some of the reasons for me wanting to get better. Hope this helps you a little.

dawgfan--

There are several on the album that are so good but neways just click on "Hide" and you can hear it :) ("Say Goodbye" and "God Only Knows" are also great)
you can listen to it if you go to this site :) well it's her my space humm are you not suppose to post that on here b/c if i try the link won't work... www.*******.com/JoyWilliamsMusic

thanks for sharing your thoughts and for challenging me both of you!

Say Goodbye
"I saw you today
My familiar stranger
Everything's changed
You have come so far
You're different now
Would you go back, would you want to anyhow
Say goodbye, say goodbye
To the you I knew before
Say hello, say hello to a new beginning
Say goodbye, say goodbye
To the you I knew before
This is your genesis
Face to face
The present and past collide
And it's no mistake
I see the future in your eyes
You seem so free
Like nothing's ever gonna keep you down
You're different now
You're different somehow
You’re different now
Say goodbye, say goodbye"
words and music by Joy Williams, Ben Glover, and Jason Ingram