A friend of mine's son died over the weekend. It was accidental - he was skiing and hit a tree. Whether it's accidental or not, it still doesn't make it any easier to deal with such a devastating, crushing, no words can ever express the pain of a death of a child. When a parent dies, it's very hard, but not as hard as a child's death.

We as parents are supposed to die first! It's not supposed to be the other way around. Our children is supposed to outlive us and we're supposed to see them graduate high school, watch them drive a car, yell at them for coming home later than they said they would, go through the rituals of dating, get married, have children, grow old. I just don't understand why God takes some children before their parents. I can handle elderlies dying, as hard as it is. They'd lived a lifetime of all the events I'd described above, but when a young life is taken away too soon, it's just hard to accept. I'm having a hard time understanding why. I can keep trying to convince myself by repeating, "God wants his angels back", but I am still having a hard time believing it.

When I saw my friend, I instantly felt pain, it's written all over her face. How does one recover from seeing someone you care about that way? There's nothing, nothing I can do to help ease the pain her family is going through. What can I do? Please someone tell me what I can do. A part of me wants to run away and never wanting to see her face again because I know it's going to be painful, but I know the right thing to do is to stay and do whatever I can to help her & her family through this, but I don't know what to do.

Any advice would be helpful.

Thanks

Hi there,

I'm sorry about your friend's child. How heartbreaking! And no matter how much he enjoyed skiing,... hitting a tree.....I'm at a loss for words about that.

We went through our best friends' loss of their soon-to-be-born baby when the mom had a car accident. It's very difficult, and it sounds like you are a parent as well. You know the love you feel for your children and how deep and irreplaceable it is. We didn't have kids yet when our friends' baby was taken.

Your friend's child's death hits on all your own fears about the possiblity of losing your own child/ren. It's no longer an abstract concept that only involves "other people". Now it's extended to people you know...so it maybe could reach you. That's probably the most frightening nightmare a parent can face.

Be aware of the pain that is etched on her face. Some of what you are seeing may be the reflection of your own pain--pain at her loss, yes, and the possibilities it could hold in your own life. Don't underestimate how much of what you're feeling is about this.

Losing a child turns our whole concept of the world being "right" or at least the world as we've known it up until the incident, on it's ear. It can shake you up, deeply. You may experience disenfranchised grief; a grief via association but that people might wonder why you should feel it because of some need in the US, maybe North America, to be related to the deceased to be allowed to grieve. It could be about grieving for your losing your feeling of your child/ren being safe from similar harm and loss; your feelings of safety in the world.

For your friend... do your best to be there. Try to put your own fears aside and just be there to support her. Tell her you don't know what to say or do that would help. Tell her you are so sorry and that after that you're tongue tied. Tell her that if you say anything unhelpful she's welcome to tell you and to tell you what would help her most.

If you do drift away it may be difficult for you to overcome your own guilt at stepping away. It may be difficult for her to bridge the gap, or maybe to face people. I don't know if I could have stuck by our friend's side if I had my own preschooler at the time because I'm sure her loss would have resonated directly to my deepest part of my heart (that was as of then, undiscoverd, if that makes sense).

Just do what YOU can do. Stretch yourself some, out of your own comfort zone. Reach your hand out to her, as so many others will turn away in fear.

Seek grief counseling for yourself, so you are freer to reach out to her. Keep coming and writing out your feelings as you process this.

Go to the services, even if you'll make a blubbering fool of yourself. That's what the services are for. Others will be there who are in your same situation. Maybe you can group together and support one another and also organize to provide support to the family. You can do this. It takes courage, but it's in you.

:angel:
macadamiaNUT

I haven't lost a child but I have buried a father and a brother and a niece. Over the years I have gotten to where I hate to go to funerals and funeral home visitations. Things that have been said to me don't help. Like: I know what you are going through. They don't. I'm so sorry. Well, guess what we were too. Is

there anything I can do for you? No, nothing can fix the loss. The only thing I can say to anyone after a death is I am praying for you and my thoughts are with you and your family. That covers it all.

I don't think anyone can comprehend peoples grief in such a sad loss. All I can say to you is to take the advice on couselling and let your friends knw that you are there for them if they need you. Thinking of you even though I don't knw you.Take Care.debdough

Maybe I went overboard? (d'ya think???)

So mine was experience also from my own losses as well. Having walked beside our friends as they went through theirs I could later see during my own grieving that people aren't trying to say the wrong things. They are tongue-tied and scared to say the wrong thing. What may be perceived as the wrong thing for one person may not be for another. All anyone can do is their best. "I know how you feel" is more about ignorance than malice.

prayers,
mNUT

Thank you for your thoughtful words Macadamia Nut. My heart is heavy with grief. No parent deserves this pain. I feel so bad for my friend. I woke up this morning thinking maybe I dreamt the whole thing... but no, the nightmare is real.

I am going to be there for my friend. She needs me. She needs every ounce of help anybody can give. You're right, people will turn away from her and her family once the whole thing dies down. I can't turn away from her and her family as hard as this will be, it's the right thing to do.

Doing the right thing is always hard.

I'm a mother and a single one at that. I hope and pray to God that I will never experience that sort of pain. Nobody deserves that sort of pain. If anything happens to my son, I know that's one time I could commit suicide. Loosing everybody else in my life would be painful, but not my son, please God, keep my son safe from all harm, all the time.

Thanks for listening to my unbelievable grief. I'm taking the day off tomorrow to go to my friend's house and probably cook and clean and make sure both parents get up and out of bed. They can hardly walk from the grief they're experiencing.

Thank you Mac.

I'm so sorry for your lost Karen. Burrying a father is not easy. Oh my God, your brother too? And your niece? Oh my gosh, I would be insane. I wouldn't be able to handle that sort of pain all at once or even in short time.

Thank you for your kind words. My friend needs me. I haven't told her that I know her pain because I don't and I pray to God that I never, ever will because I know that's one time I could kill myself. If I loose everybody else in my life, it would be painful... but not my baby. Thank you again.

I don't think anyone can comprehend peoples grief in such a sad loss. All I can say to you is to take the advice on couselling and let your friends knw that you are there for them if they need you. Thinking of you even though I don't knw you.Take Care.debdough

Thanks Debdough. I may need counseling after this. My friend and her husband and children are all in counseling and also the priests and nuns are by their side too. Thank you again.

No Mac, you are being thoughtful. You're right, I am tounge-tied. But I haven't been able to utter anything except that I'm sorry for their lost. She hugged me to tight and I felt like she just want to be awaken from this nightmare.

Thanks again.

I'm glad to hear your friend and the family are getting counseling and have a church community.

I think you mentioned feeling a ton of grief yourself (of course). Maybe a counseling session or two along the way could support you as well. It's hard to help when your own "bucket" is running on empty.

hugs and prayers in this difficult time,

mNUT
diane