It has been a long time since I last thought seriously about ending my life. There is new pain in my life, but I never imagined it would spur such notions.
There's this part of me that just wants to be dead. To just escape this life that doesn't ever seem to be going where I want it to. And it's really terrifying. I am a talented person. I can do all sorts of things that nobody else can do. I am extremely intelligent. And yet, times like tonight, I just don't want to do any of this any more.

Just trying to understand how I can be feeling this way.

hi!
I just read your post and I am a little bit scared for you. Are you okay? I know exactly how you feel. last summer I just wanted to escape it all (life). But you say you know you are an intelligent person and that you have many talents, so why would you want to give that up. are you on any meds??? ad's?? anything???? what is going on in your life. I don't really know much about you, but I am up and online, if you need someone to talk to, you can post a reply back to chat more. I know its hard to see past the blue and grey but you can get through this!
Smiles,
Holi

greetings holi, thank you for your reply.

i'm not really sure what's going on. i am not on any medication, though i have been diagnosed with depression. i was determined to find a way through it without meds, and i thought it was working.
i am an artist, and i recently started my own imaging and design company, and it's going really well. it's really kind of nuts... i know i have talents and such, and i relaly don't want to give that up. but sometimes i just start feeling extremely lonely. i have a few friends, but can't really relate to any of them on a very close personal level. i was engaged to someone that i was very much in love with about a year and a half ago, and found out she was cheating on me shortly before the planned wedding. yeah, that was a big deal, but i am quite a bit better now. at least i thought i was. during the initial time of dealing with that, i wasn' too good.

but i just don't understand why this happens. i just suddenly and unexpectedly feel absolutely and horridly alone. like all my talents and skills aren't really ever going to matter, because i lead a relatively empty life, very alone. and despite my efforts, i haven't been able to really stop feeling alone.

just typing, feeling like i am talking to someone, that helps, and i thank you. i don't expect miraculous answers or anything. i'm just lonely, and it's nice to talk to people sometimes.

I know how a bad break up can leave u bitter (i have been there). I just hope you feel better!
http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bouncing.gif


[This message has been edited by holidaygirl (edited 04-29-2003).]

[Edited to remove e-mail address. Please do not share contact information over HealthBoards. Thank you! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif Zesty]

[This message has been edited by Zesty (edited 05-04-2003).]

Hi Merripen,

I can relate to how you feel. I too get feeling suicidal at times, though for different reasons. I know that I have lots of talent, but I work to earn my living in a field completely divorced from who I am. (That in itself causes me quite a bit of grief, as I'm sure you can imagine & 99% of the world can relate to). The biggest ongoing source of despair for me is my failure as a parent. My son is turning out less than well because of me. And I am constantly wracking my brain for ideas as to who could raise him properly. The one saving grace for me has always been my inability to organize my home & keep it neat. Imagine messiness as a virute! But in a way it has been because I couldn't bear leaving this disaster area for a family member to deal with. Unfortunately, tonight, I started to not care so much about that as I always have in the past. As it turns out though, the easy methods are not the most efficacious methods...nor the most simple & easy to bear. So, I guess I'm here for a bit longer, responding to posts and hoping to find folks to relate to. I apologize for not being more "other-centered," but I guess I'm just being me.

Thanks for the topic & I hope everything is going alright.

[This message has been edited by Jayellcee (edited 05-02-2003).]

Originally posted by Jayellcee:
...The one saving grace for me has always been my inability to organize my home & keep it neat. Imagine messiness as a virute...

It is a very common lifesaver. It was for me, only I did not bring it to a conscious level for a long time. Admitting that my messiness meant that I was actually afraid of dying, in spite of planning it all along, was one of my major milestones in the recovering process.

Janik-

You found this to be a milestone in recovery? I never heard anyone discuss depression from a "recovery" standpoint. Could you say some more about this?

Yes. I have recovered. Now don't think that means I am an optmimistic, always bubbly, cheerful person. It simply means that I am no longer in a constant state of suicidal despair and sadness. I now understand the different situations that caused me to be depressed. I also realize I will never be able to change what happened but I am able to go on with my life. Mind you, there's still flashbacks of anger or sadness, and I still struggle with withdrawal from the medications. But in a few months I will be drug free and that might be the final milestone.

I would not be here without a loving husband, a very supportive family and, especially, a great doctor who provided proper therapy and gave me the medications only when they were really necessary. He's now helping me quit the meds in a responsible way. I'll probably continue to visit him once per year.