Hello

I am a 20 year old male living at home with my oldest sister(37) and my mother(61). My father passed on back in 1995. I moved to Canada for a better life and to live with my oldest sis (37) and my second sis(35). My oldest brother is in the US and he is 34. I am the youngest. There is a struggle with where my mother should live. She is very difficult to deal with since she is a very pessimistic person. She is very self-conscious as well when it comes to bad breath and she doesn't even have bad breath! She keeps insisting she has ashtma and I have had asthma in the past and I know what it is like to have asthma. She doesn't have any friends or anything and doesn't go out on weekends for fun. She is VERY negative. I only have 1 friend and one day, my friend took us to a buffet restaurant. My sister who works in a bank was talking to my friend while he was driving. They were talking about retirement. My mother told my friend, "you're good, you're nice." My friend responded to my sis' comment on retirement by saing, "No, I'm only 27." My mother decides to put a negative spin on the issue and is driving me crazy. She keeps asking me what that meant and I had no idea. She holds on to small things that are meaningless. I have told her if she needs help, she can seek it through a psychiatrist. She said she has no problem and she is not crazy. I have tried my best to be understand since she is a widow and she is all I got. I am just truly stressed out by this whole aging thing. How do I deal with my aging mother? She can't be optimistic EVER she is ALWAYS negative and makes people fight. I don't know how to deal with her. Any suggestions would be nice.

Hopeless Me

Hi Meller. It's not right that ur mom causes u stress like this. Although it will be hard for her to change her ways at the age of 61 ... she is still young enough to help herself more by seeing a doctor for her psychological problems .. and if she refuses ... then u cannot live ur life feeling bad about that. See her when u can and be firm if she starts with the negative talk. Tell her straight u do not like her negative talk as u do not want to become that way yourself. And don't allow her to be this way around you. When she starts .. just change the subject! Negative people feed off the energy of positive people .. and in this case it is very wrong of ur mom to do this. You are too young to carry her burdens ... she is mature enough to sort them out herself .. but as long as you allow her to lean on you and off load her negative stuff ... she will continue to do so. You simply have to stand up to her now and let her see that although you like to spend time with her .. she has to tow the line with the negative stuff and anything else that she does that is getting you down .. let her know .. sort it out once and for all! Good luck ;)

Hi Tzu

Thank you for your response. I need all the help I can get. She refuses to see a doctor and to even admit she has a problem. She has a lot of other health problems. Whenever I tell her, her faults, she sass me all the time. For example, when I said, mom this is not good. She says, "Oh! you're like 100% goodness and you're perfect and I am just a victim." You know what I mean by sassing? She just makes me so upset when I tell her stuff and she either tells everyone about it or sass me like I am doing something wrong.

Hi,
I know where your coming from, My Mom is the same in many respects. She is 70 but she has been a widow for 7 years. When my Father was alive, she was a strong women but since he has passed away, she has a bitter side to her, some days she can be okay but some days she can be down right nasty. I have to bit my tough allot, There has been a few times when I had to correct her on her behavior. I said to my husband, she is 70 years old and I'm telling her how to behave. All she talks about is her medical problems, frankly she has nothing to serious, her arthritis bothers her but she refuse's to see a Doctor or take medication for it, when I suggest it, all she dose is argue with me and tell me she is not going. But!!!! She complains about it daily. She get so stubborn and self centered, The other day she called and I had told her our neighbor up a few house's had died and she was only 45 years old, she says oh that a shame -did I tell you my arthritis is bad today? I said no, we were taking about my friend who just died!!! Unreal. So basically your not alone,
Karen

Hi, Meller. Sounds like you have a heavy load to carry. Family members can really cause turmoil. Right?

I'm 65 myself. I've learned a little in that time. :) What's going on with your mom isn't about you, or your siblings or about your dad when he was alive. It's a problem she has, and you won't be able to fix it. You sure do have a right to tell her when she says something off the wall, accusing, or whatever.......you can tell her how it makes you feel. Then the consequences of her actions need to be felt.

She's going to accuse you all of leaving her, ignoring her, not caring about her health. It could be anything. She wants attention, and she only knows one way to get it.

Could you get all you siblings, your sisters, to sit down with you, devise a plan of what to say, and all tell your mom how she makes you feel? At least speak truth to her. It isn't "sassing".....it's speaking the truth. You have a right to speak your truth to her as an adult. It's lots easier if the whole family becomes involved. She may get all upset, but she won't forget it. Tell her all of your concerns with her health.

And whatever you do, do in love. Ultimately, 61 isn't really old. Not in today's society. I know people her age who are doing lots of stuff.

Another thing. She is she and you is you. :jester: Try to remember that you are not responsible for what another person does. You are here on your own journey, and just trying to make it the way we all are. She, too, is on hers. Sounds like a sad one, but only she can choose to be different. Like Dr. Phil says, "how's that working for ya?" haha She can't be happy.

This is windy, and my first post on these boards, but I felt for you. You see...I had a husband like that. He died of multiple health problems 5 years ago....negative and mad at the world till the end. I tried everything to make him happy and nothing worked. We can't make other people happy...happiness comes from inside. Chessy

Hey, you make it sound so easy, thank you for your suggestion and your heartfelt words. It's not easy *sigh* even if we all sat down and smack her in the head, it won't matter, she will still be the same. I am just stressed out all the time and I am angry. She doesn't remember any lesson or any words or doesn't have feelings except her own.

Unfortunately we can't change the ones we love/care for. Most likely your mother has always been somewhat negative, so this is related to who she is and not her age.

While you can't change your mom, you can change how she affects you. I used to have the same issues with one of my parents, and after working with a life coach I was able to deal very well when the negativity became frustating or out of hand.

I hate to use this term (because it is so over used), but you would find it much easier to deal with your mom if you were able to set healthy boundaries with her. Take away her ability to get a reaction from you.

Best of luck, I know how hard it can be. :)