It just occurred to me that I should probably introduce myself. Here's a some background information (sorry if I run on too long).

Depression runs in my family. It's difficult for me to say when it started for me... I can remember being suicidal as a child, but most of the time I was perky and happy. Go figure. I was a ballet student from the age of six, a hobby that would later become a means of self destruction for me. I'm convinced it was the trigger for the eating disorder I developed at 13 (which I still have). By the time that happened, I was definitely depressed. A year later I lost interest in ballet and quit. That was very significant for me, because dancing ballet was my identity. I had been preened for a professional career in it. It was most literally my entire life up until that point. I quit because I started having panic attacks before class. And each second in class I felt so completely numb... it was the only way I could deal with all the criticism (real or imagined).
So, anyway. Year after that, at 15, I went to college. Even longer story there... I let myself become a loner at college. Everybody was a good 4 - 5 years older than me, so I found it hard to relate. I made plenty of acquaintances, but I never let anybody get close to me.
During all of this my depression got worse and worse. My eating disorder became an outlet for my fears, anger and sadness. It got so bad that I dropped out twice (each time only a single semester). It was just like with ballet. I felt so judged and inadequate, even though I had a 4.0 and was well liked. After a while just the eating disorder wasn't enough, and I started to injure myself.
Of my own free will, I sought out therapy. I was put on meds and screened for an eating disorder clinic. I was desperate to get better. Um yeah, that didn't work out exactly.

So here I am, 19. I'm going back into therapy. I really doubt I'll be able to go back to school unless I do. I just have one semester left until I can transfer to another college, and move out. I want this so badly... the majority of my problems are family related, and moving out would be good for me. Hell, having my own life devoid of my parents would be good for me.
This is me in a nutshell. Hello everybody.





[This message has been edited by konoko_5 (edited 06-05-2003).]

Hello, I think it sounds like you know yourself pretty well and going to therapy should be a good thing for you. I think it is really important to know ourselves well enough to know when we are getting to that point (of no return) so to speak. No one else can know us like we do ourselves. You have done so well in college and sounds like you have worked very hard despite the challenges you've had. Keep it up and I know you can meet your goals if you want it hard enough and get your problems under control. You can do it.

lanee

Hello, I think it sounds like you know yourself pretty well and going to therapy should be a good thing for you. I think it is really important to know ourselves well enough to know when we are getting to that point (of no return) so to speak. No one else can know us like we do ourselves. You have done so well in college and sounds like you have worked very hard despite the challenges you've had. Keep it up and I know you can meet your goals if you want it hard enough and get your problems under control. You can do it.

lanee

Hi Konoko,

Welcome. Your story is interesting. I am curious to see how things unfold for you during therapy. I wish you well.



[This message has been edited by hangtenvetter (edited 06-05-2003).]

Hi Konoko_5

You remind me a bit of myself, because it sounds like you put a lot of pressure on yourself to be perfect. It certainly sounded like ballet was no longer fun for you. You sound like a very intelligent person, and you're taking all the right steps to help youself. Keep it up. You're really young and I think you will be ok (call it a feeling). I was 29 when I started going for help (I'll be 35 in 2 weeks). I go through ups & downs. Sometimes I feel good, then a hit a rocky spot and I think I was imagining the good times. The bad times are usually brought on by stress.

I had good marks in school, but once I started putting a lot of pressure on myself I had a very difficult time keeping it up, which caused even more stress. My low self-esteem makes me worry that I'm not good enough, which makes me determined to prove that I am, and it becomes a viscious circle.

Anyway, my point is your not alone. I wish I had gone for help when I was 19, but wishing doesn't get a person anywhere. I just try to appreciate it when I do have good times and try to be good to myself through the bad times (which can be hard), but the good times seem to be more frequent and last longer.

Take care of yourself. :smile:

Canuck Lady,

Oooo. I don't know if I like this "senior" member stuff. I'll be 36 in 2 months. It blows my mind that I'll be 40 in 4 years. I feel like I am on a time slide, and the slope is getting steeper.

I can't believe that I never sought help until about two months ago. All those years being wound up in a knot. Man.

Thanks for the welcome guys. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

hangtenvetter,

Try not to think about the past so much, just worry about now. That's what I try to do. 36 is not exactly old. You probably couldn't do something like take up gymnastics for the first time at 36 and expect to compete in the olympics, but then again, neither could a 20 year old. Try to think of the past years as a learning experience, something you had to go through to get to where you are now. So in a way it's an accomplishment.

I'm not saying I don't have problems anymore. I have a major problem with stress & worry, and most days at work I'm always worried that I may not be good enough, but I'm no where near as bad as I was 5 years ago, which I'm thankful for. I was trying to tell Konoko_5 that it's good to get help early, but that doesn't mean there's no hope for the rest of us. Every day I feel just a little bit more comfortable with myself, and that's a good thing.

[This message has been edited by Canuck_Lady (edited 06-06-2003).]

Thanks Canuck_Lady - The past wasn't too bad, I just didn't know what I was missing. I agree that 36 isn't too old. I am glad to hear that you have been making progress. Glad that you are feeling more comfortable with yourself. I need to work on that too.

In the workplace I have had this issue. When I started I was the young guy and was worried that I couldn't measure up to the more experienced. Now that I'm a bit older, I worry about all the energetic youth coming in. For some reason I always feel stupid. I have this sinking feeling that some day I'm going to get replaced and discarded. I also feel this need to do something spectacular. I am always mentally searching for some grandiose vision of what I am supposed to accomplish as a person. It is hard for me to accept just being another blip on the radar screen, to simply walk through life and poof.... I'm getting way off subject here... but I feel like a statistic in some big marketing system. Another consumer. Really nothing. I don't always think that way. Oh well, I am digressing...

I know what you mean. Sometimes I think, I'm nobody unless I can accomplish something major with my life. I was feeling kind of down today and started thinking like that again. But I think it's because I'm bored.

Anyway, I think that's a form of perfectionism or all or nothing thinking. Try giving yourself a mental pat on the back for every little positive thing that happens to you or you accomplish, no matter how significant it may seem. I try to do that. It's definitely hard because the negative thoughts are so automatic, but it's worht a shot. I'm hoping it becomes easier as time goes by.