I called dad today to wish him a happy 80th birthday. He says he really wants to come home but my sister doesn't want him to. I really would like for him to wait until June. I'll be off work so I can stay home with him. He sounds unhappy today but didn't really say anything negative. I'm so torn on whether I should go get him or not. My uncle (dad's brother) said he'll help me with dad. My uncle is much younger than my dad. He's more like a brother than an uncle. But I don't want to burden him.

I'll wait and talk to dh about it. It may be time to start looking for home health aide.

Love, Barb

Hi Barb,

It's good to have a family meeting about who can help out when and in what ways. Probably you'll have to amend the plans after you see your Dad and the ways in which his needs and abilities have changed in the months he has been with your sister.

May you have the wisdom of Solomon!

(((((((hugs)))))))) Barbara :D

Do you have knowledge of Alzheimer's? These patients can be Impossible to manage if not medicated. They often go thru stages, one of which is a violent stage, another can be where they refuse to sit or lay down. I know about this because my FIL had it. He had a wonderful position at work for many years. Then when this appeared he wouldn't sit down AT ALL.
His feet and ankles swelled up and turned blue. He wouldn't lie down so my poor mother in law would Beg him to get in bed but he would stay up until he'd fall down on the floor and she had a terrible time getting him up. She barely slept for days on end and looked exhausted. He would wave his fist in her face. He was found in a neighbor's car across the street; he even went into another neighbor's bathroom where someone was showering!!
She finally found a nursing home that took alzheimer patients; no way could she take care of him. They have to medicate them to the point where they won't wander out a door to the outside. Please look into this before you bring him home. You may be biting off more than you can chew. This quiet, passive stage usually goes away and they change completely. Good Luck in whatever you decide.

Hi Susan!

Welcome!

Bosmom has experience with her father, but I'm sure she'll appreciate your concerns.

Please read the Who's Who sticky at the top of this thread so you can get to know us and add your information (being careful to follow the posting rules) so we can get to know you!

Glad you're here! Barbara :)

Oh Barb,

I felt a knot in my stomach when I heard those dreaded words, "I want to go home." That's how mom's aggressive stage began. Sounds like it was the beginning of Jess' mom's too.

But on the other hand, if he was entering a violent and aggressive state, I don't think your sister would be encouraging him to stay there with her.

Still..........be cautious with any decision. And remember all the good advice you've shared with me and others.

Dad has been through the aggressive stage already. I hope he doesn't go through it again! He's on anti-depressants that have helped him to calm down. I had the doctor put him on anti-d's when he was here with me.

I'm sure he's changed since I last saw him. When I spoke with my sister today, she said she told dad three times it was his 80th birthday and each time it was like she gave him candy or something. He was SOOO exited! Sis said she was taking dad out for an early buffet dinner. So when I talked to dad, I mentioned the dinner. He always loved going out to dinner. Now he says "I really don't like to go out to eat". I'll be interested to hear how it went, if dad went without prodding. :)

I'm going to start looking into home health aides just in case. I wanna have all my ducks in order.

I guess I'll be hopping in the pickup truck soon for that long journey south to get dad and bring him home.

Talk about mixed feelings-boy do I have 'em! I miss dad terribly but I don't miss the disease and all that comes with it.

Love, Barb

Yes, weigh this decision VERY carefully.It seems very common for them to want to go home. I mean who wouldn't rather be home? I have even had a couple of people at his new home ask me to take them home! I was fortunate that my parents had discussed this years before anything happened and they were prepared with LTC insurance. My dad asks every once in awhile why he can't go home. I tell him this is what he and Mom both decided a long time ago. It tears at me every time I leave him at the home. But I know in my heart I could not handle caring for him for very long. It takes more energy than my 3 kids did! You might try a dry run and take him home with you for a few days. A vacation for him.
Hang in there
Sandi

To address the suggestion he be taken home "for a few days" I read an article that said IF a person takes the parent home for ANY length of time, they'll never leave. That the parent carries on and cries so badly that the son or daughter doesn't have the heart to steer them to the door. They pile on a huge guilt trip. This is all so sad and depressing but I can see how it could work the way the article stated. The parent either has no idea how difficult they behave, or they really don't care. Parents think we owe them this after having raised us.

My dad is at a stage right now where he thinks of where he is right now as a vacation of sorts. So he's really very happy to go when someone suggests it. He actually still likes to travel. Before he got AD, he used to make the trip down south once a month. He drove 700 miles each way every month!

I am in the home that he and my mother shared for many years before her death in 1993. So where I am IS home to him. When he comes home, he stays for several months. The last time he was here, he stayed 15 months. He's been with my sister for 9 months now. He doesn't come home for just a few days or even just a month. My sister and I agreed long ago that 6 months is the minimum amount of time we'll each have him. Any less than that would just be too much moving around for him.

I think I may need to clarify that dad is not in a NH. He's with my sister in Alabama.

Love, Barb

Hi Barb,

Do you think that your dad will change his mind about wanting to come home? When do you think you might go and get him? And what about the $ and the sister and all those old problems??? Did you and you sis come to terms about all of that?

Have you called up the home care people yet? I think that is what my mom will want to try first, with my dad. I imagine, that you will see a big change in him, since it has been 9 months!!!

But, you will be glad to see him and he you! And he will like to be in his old home again! You are right to try and wait for the summer, if you can...

Take care and rest up! :>

Love, Wannabe

Hi!

I don't know yet if I'm going down there or my sister is coming here. She said something about coming here in June for her step granddaughter's birthday. If dad can hold off that long, we'll wait.

There are still issues with money. But I figure let her do what she wants. I don't care anymore. As long as dad is fed, dry, clean and happy, that's all that matters to me. She and I are going to a lawyer when she comes here to get dad's will updated. Right now, I am the executor. But I've decided that with all she's doing to sabotage him financially, I'd rather have nothing to do with the will. Let her take care of the issues she's caused. I want nothing to do with it. I'm living in his house rent free now so I'm happy with that. I just pay the utilities and such and make repairs when needed. As far as my sister and I go, I just speak to her now because I have to for my dad's sake. After he's gone, I believe I'll lose a sister too. It's sad but I think I'll be better off that way.

I haven't called the home care people yet. I'll do that in the next week or two since it looks like dad will be staying down there for a while longer.

Love, Barb