Hi - Glad to say that Dad is finally calming down, well somewhat anyway. Does anyone know what responsibility the home has to "protect" is guess you would say residents from others behavior? I was talking to someone who has their Grandpa in the same place and she was telling me this same woman my dad had a problem with has gone thru and ransacked her gp's room a couple of times and steals any candy she finds. Sometimes other small items as well. They taught Dad how to lock his door and gave him a key, but he feels like a prisoner having to lock his door all the time weather he is in his room or not. The last place he was in had other people with dementia and mild alz. but he never had a problem like this. I work full time so I take Dad out when I can, but its usually just on the weekends for lunch or dinner. I feel kinda bad sometimes leaving him, but he needs to be kept safe.
Thanks for listening
Sandi

that is a very good question. In my opinion, it has to do with how badly the NH needs money. I cannot imagine an understaffed NH watching and following any one patient around. I think they either look the other way or they (this would surprise me)tell the family we cannot keep your mother/father here any longer. I suppose it Has happened but I've not heard of it. These things just go on in NH's. My dad was Furious when a man or woman would wander into his room, all confused. He'd practically push them out the door! He bought a HUGE box of Depends for mom and kept them in his room (the separate living area) and the aides would come in and COP them for other patients! Dad would often catch them and say, "put that right back where you found it." So I had both parents in a NH together. VERY stressful years for me. So stressful that, after they died, I found myself
staying home almost all of the time. I'm married but I rarely go out anymore.
I feel like I'm on a 7 year vacation. A very quiet, predictable vacation.

We go back to the quality of the Nursing Home and how much they invest in staff I believe.

My ex-charges first attempt at a nursing home (only respite - she lasted one day before they wanted her removed as a 'too hard' case) saw her being uncontrollably violent towards staff and residents, going into other peoples rooms and screaming at them (she had no legible words, so nobody could figure out what was wrong) she was incontinent both ends everywhere ... and yeah .. I can see why that Nursing Home didn't want her about.

But in retrospect, they also aren't geared for the psychotic dementia patient either.

Her next NH is Dementia specific. They have an across the board range of dementia's, and they have a staff of 6 during the day time and 1 overnight (theory, they should be asleep so therefore not as many staff are required). The 'over active' ones (violent, psychotic, pacing, agitated, behaviour challenged) ones are given a 'sleeper' to help calm them and let them get a good nights sleep. They are checked every hour on the hour and checked again if there is any noises from their room.

Wandering residents are redirected as soon as possible out of other peoples rooms. However, there are laws against restraints that seem to counter-act any privacy laws. So the staff have to be vigilant which is hard if they are in a room toileting or dressing another resident. It's impossible to keep your eye on anybody 24/7, but you can try your best. They also utilise the more 'lucid' residents into keeping an eye out as well, which is good. They feel useful, and the staff can concentrate on those who need help more.

Now as for protecting others, good staff are aware of any triggers and go out of their way to avoid the event happening, or stay within striking distance. Again, it's not perfect, because if the staff are assisting toileting or something, anything is possible.

But they can try their best. That's all we can ask of anybody. Nothing is perfect unfortunately ..

But I'm working on it .......... LOL

Hugs .. and keep your chin up

Sally

Unfortunately, there are some bad seeds in this world. And the fact that people who work in NH's are not always paid very well doesn't help.

But there are some very good NH's out there who treat their staff and residents very well.

Unfortunately, as you know, this disease can be highly unpredictable. Some patients become withdrawn and depressed. Some become obsessed with sex. Some become agressive and/or combative. Some lose their ablilty to speak where others will understand them. Some become paranoid and think that everyone is out to get them or everyone is stealing things from them. Some love to be around people. Some (like my dad) would rather be alone most of the time. So just think of what these workers go through every day!

A good nursing home has a worker to patient ratio I think 1-5. It takes a special person to deal with 5 AD patients every day. No one can be in 5 places at once. Things are, unfortunately, going to happen. My grandmother was one to take other patient's things and hide them in her room. The staff at her NH were WONDERFUL! But they couldn't be with her 24/7. They're only human.

Now a worker taking Depends from your dad is something else. She shouldn't have done that. But I wonder if she thought your dad got them from the NH and thus she was entitled to take them.

Yes, NH's are money driven just like hospitals, grocery stores, factories and everything else. They have to be profitable to stay in buisness. If they don't profit, they close. Then where will these people whose families can no longer safely take care of them go? What will happen to them?

Have a good day!

Love, Barb

No, she could not have thought dad bought them from the NH because
NO ONE else had a box that huge in their room. If the staff had been told, "you get your depends from Mr Joe's living room" it would have been different. Obviously , the NH wouldn't keep their supplies in a patient's room.
they kept them in a supply closet. If the closet was far down the hall or even out of depends, they'd come and snatch dad's.
Another heartbreaking thing: mom lost a Lot of weight but she told me she'd put her 66 yr old engagement ring on her middle finger, whiich was bigger, so she wouldn't lose it. I was so upset most of the time I didn't give it any more thought. So one night it either fell off her finger or it was removed. We never saw it again.
In another NH I bought a lot of fruit punch and pudding cups and was told to put them in their breakroom fridge for dad. All of that was gone in no time.
I feel like I have a Degree in NH's after over 3 yrs with several different homes. IN 2 different states. :confused:

I'm sorry you had so many bad experiences with NH's and I don't mean to make light of it. There have been many documented cases of neglect and such and anyone who does that should, in my book, be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

There are people here who have placed their loved one in a home after months or years of investigating. And there are people here who knew someone who either had someone in a particular NH or knew someone who worked in a particular NH who reccomended one to them. And, of course, investigating and finding nothing wrong doesn't nesissarily mean there's nothing wrong. It's a chance we take.

My grandma was very well cared for by my aunt and uncle. They did the best they could with her. But it got to the point where she was beating them up. They had to lock themselves up in the house and rig the doors and windows so that she couldn't get out. She would wander. One time she wandered out and was gone ALL NIGHT LONG! She had found a way to get out even when my aunt and uncle thought they had locked up better than Fort Knox! She was found about 1 1/2 miles away by a stranger. She could barely walk by then so how did she get there? No one will ever know. She had walked across a HIGHWAY and fell! That's where she stayed. She could have been killed! She had no ID on her. My aunt and uncle had to go down to the police station and ID her before taking her home. Her wandering happened several times before. But this was the last straw for my aunt and uncle. They finally admitted defeat to the disease. It was very hard for them as it was for the entire family. I used to go to Tennessee every summer to give my aunt and uncle a break. I would help them with my grandma. The last time I was there before she was put into a NH, she threatened to throw me through a window! She was extremely violent one moment and sweet ole' Granny the next. She didn't know any of us except for my uncle, her son-in-law. At that point, we figured she'd be much safer in a NH than at home. We've never regretted that decision.

BTW, my aunt (who was my grandmother's caregiver) now has AD herself. She remembers no one. She didn't want her three sons to go through what she went through. So she made a specific request before she got that bad. When my uncle passed, she requested to go live with her oldest son but on one condition-when she gets bad enough to not remember people, she wants to go to a NH. She doesn't want her kids to go through what she went through. And heaven forbid if I get this awful disease, I don't want my son going through it either.

If I'm not intruding, why were your parents in a NH? You said your mom was wheelchair bound but sharp as a tack. Did your dad have AD? If so, what stage?

Love, Barb

My dad was caring for mom at home after her strokes. He was about 85 then and was lifting her into a wheelchair and wheeling her into the toilet. Then lifted her off and put her back in bed or wheeled her into the living room. He was pale and losing weight. Usually, after she was put into a wheelchair to watch tv she'd say put me back in bed. She had No idea how hard it was.
One day he said he couldn't lift her again and called an ambulance. by this time she was paralyzed on one side. I forgot that part. She was placed into a NH and seemed to enjoy it; dad would drive out to see her daily.
Then dad had a stroke. He couldn't speak. I went over and called an ambulance. He was put in the other bed in her room in the NH. He hated it.
He started getting much better; I put him in a brand new home nearby ; it had 2 big rooms and private bath. Soon mom joined him in the next bed in That one. She started losing weight pretty fast and was still paralyzed, but thought she'd get well . Then dad had another stroke. He became very angry and I did everything he asked of me. Soon mom died. He was put in a private mental hosptial twice in another town for attempted suicide and general aggressiveness. We sold our home, left town and took dad with us (I drove him the 400 miles with me and my H drove the U Haul) and put him in some awful place I thought was nice because of the lovely reception area. Soon as the new one opened we put him in that one. He liked it there. He fell down and was hospitalized twice for double pneumonia but recovered. Then he got an intestinal blockage but the dr. said he'd not operate due to his age.
That's where he died of natural causes. He was almost 89.

Oh Susan. That must have been awful for them that they had so many medical problems. I'm sure that took a toll on you too. It's nice though that your parents were able to stay together.

What a wonderful daughter you are to have gone through all those lengths to help them!

Now it's time to take care of you.

Love, Barb

thank you. This was back in 1992 when it all began. I don't "feel good" about it because They didn't act like I was doing much. It was all expected of me.
Each morning dad would call me and say, "get OUT YOUR PAPER AND PENCIL" and he'd dictate a grocery list for their NH refrigerator. I was so tired and depressed that I actually walked off with my purse, leaving their groceries at the check out !! I wonder what on earth the employee thought?? The minute I'd walk in the door each day the phone would be ringing with dad on the line. I swear I never once have missed those calls. Somewhere right before or right after they passed away my best friend died. Gone forever are her phone calls that sent me into so much laughter my stomach hurt.
So. How do you take care of yourself? Spend the rest of your life feeling relieved? I live in "recuperation mode." I do little, really. I'd look forward to going on vacation soon were it not for the fact that my DH bought TWO PUPPIES that we have to take with us. :rolleyes: :confused: :yawn:
I'm on antidepressants now. These give me a sort of BLAND , non-emotional feeling. Which is better than depression. :confused:

Susan, so sorry it took so long to reply. Never a dull moment these days. Dad fell out of bed again. This time it seems he has a compression fracture in L2 vertebrae. I took him to the VA ER on Wed. they checked him in and like an hour later took his v/s and said they thought it was just muscular but would do xrays. So I took him upstairs and got his xrays done. 8hrs later the ER doc still had not seen him!!I asked a couple of times to please just check the xray and let me know if there is a break. if there is I'll stick it out till she could see him. Dr wouldn't even look and said she didn't know if she would even get to him that nite. This was at 11:30pm!! So I asked Dad how his pain was he said not too bad, so I took him home. I called the ALF the next morning and they said he seemed better up walking around, a little slower than normal but seemed ok. So I figured nothing was broken. Wrong!! I got another call Sat am they said it took 3 of them to get him out of bed!! Hes not a big guy 140lbs. So I took him to the local ER and they took care of him right away. He spent 3 days in the hosp. In fact he really didn't want to go home. He said the food was better!! He was very bitter with me that I took him back to ALF. My husband had a really stern talk with him on the way home last nite.I am really down today. I called to see how he was doing today. They said he was up much of the nite, even with a sleeping pill. He kept pulling the page bell, so much so that they finally just had someone stay int the room with him. Now Moms complaining too. I placed her at this particular board & care because the workers had both been there so long 10 & 12 years!! Well they up and quit with no notice about a week and a half ago. I don't know what to do!! Sometimes I just want to cry and cry. I'm so confused. Do I try moving them again?? or Just make them stick it out where they are and tell them that is home now??
Dr has given me Xanex to help take the edge off for now. I didn't want to do that but at least it seems to help me sleep better.
What kind of puppies do you have? I love animals. We have 3 small dogs. In someways they have been more help to me than my hubby. He trys, but theres just something about that unconditional love from a puppy. They are kindof a hassle to take on vacation though.

Hi Susan!

It's not easy to lose someone you love so much. My son lost a friend last week to suicide. It's very difficult. You never really get over the loss but time does ease the pain. Sometimes it seems like it never will but it will.

I lost my brother two weeks before 9/11 and my mom in 1993 five days after my birthday. When the twin towers fell, I felt the loss of those people while trying to deal with loss in my own family. It was horrible. It was like re-living my brother's horribly painful death to cancer all over again. I was also dealing with my own health issues. Depression caused by all that was happening around me plus I later found that I have hypothyroidism. Depression and lethargy are just two of the symptoms of that. With the proper medication and the proper dosage, I feel as normal as I can be which is very good.
How do you take care of yourself? Spend the rest of your life feeling relieved? I live in "recuperation mode." I do little, really. I'd look forward to going on vacation soon were it not for the fact that my DH bought TWO PUPPIES that we have to take with us.
You take care of yourself by living one day at a time. Don't look too far ahead because if you do, it can be overwhelming.

Could you have friends or relatives "puppysit" so you and dh can take a vacation? Or maybe put the puppies in the kennel. If you can't do that for a week or so, perhaps a weekend? Or maybe you and dh can plan some days where you and he can go somewhere nearby and do something just for the day. Do you like to hike in the woods? Fresh air is great for you and the puppies and they surely would love the walk.

Do something on the spur of the moment. It doesn't have to be anything major, just something you enjoy.

This may sound stupid but I LOVE to watch the Travel Channel! I swear I put myself right in those $6,000/night hotel suites with the hot tub, jaccuzi and wet bar! I don't drink but it doesn't hurt to dream big! :) I look at all those places I know I'll probably never see and I put myself there if only in my head. I lose all thought and care of what's going on around me.

Oh and don't get me started on the cruises! :D

Love, Barb

Hi Sandi!

You have a LOT on your plate! Wow! I can't imagine having to do all that you do!

I know what you mean about the VA hospital. I have to deal with the VA when my dad is here. They're enough to make a laid back, easy going person go postal!

I've learned a way to get the ball rolling a lot quicker for my dad at the VA ER. Whatever is wrong with him, I tell them he was complaining of chest pain (he always does when he's nervous and ER's make him nervous). I've also learned (this was HARD for me) to be the squeeky wheel. If I don't get answers from the nurse or doctor or the answers aren't clear, I go one step up. If I still don't get answers, I go another step up and another and another until I get an answer that satisfies me. It doesn't satisfy me to sit with my dad waiting and wondering for hours and hours on end. I've been the caregiver waiting with my dad for hours on end. And I've been the patient in such severe pain that I couldn't move waiting in the hallway on a gurney for an ER bed for hours and hours. Neither wait was easy or fun. Be the squeeky wheel!

And take care of yourself too!

Love, Barb