Hi ladies,

I'm a little hesitant to post after all the raging debate about whether to "care at home or NH."

I can honestly say that I feel that I made the right choice, though. I was determined to take care of mom and did everything I possibly could to keep her with me. I'm envious of Cheryl and Glenna who are able to do it.

I had my mom for many months and was tired and worn out, but that did not push me to give up. I fed her meals, washed her clothes, paid her bills, listened to relentless repetition of false history and questions. I colored with her and strung beads with her and crocheted with her, and don't regret a single minute of any of it. We had bolts on inside doors so that she couldn't harm me or escape and harm herself. I've been through "shadowing" and "wandering" and "false suspicions" and raging accusations and physical violence aimed at me. None of those drove me to move mom to a NH.

I relented when 15 minutes seldom passed without hearing her assertions that she was going to kill herself. That she would escape and walk into traffic. She would scream so loudly, I thought surely the neighbors would call the police. She would sit up all night on the side of her bed and have a running conversation with someone? Already on high blood pressure medicine, I was horrified that all the anger and rage and screaming and aggression and violence and lack of sleep would cause her to have a stroke or heart attack.

Now, I know that I not only relented for me, I relented for Mom. I had become so consumed with the thought of being "caregiver," it took awhile for me to see Mom. I wasn't taking care of her. I was just barely surviving, myself.

Taking care of mom means she's in a place where she's safe and warm and comfortable. With people who have the meds and know when to administer them. I can't even say how grateful I was to see her calm again. We still have many issues with her and I have much caregiving to do. But she's in a better environment.

Now, I'm healthy enough and calm enough to make sure that they treat her nicely, along with the medical administration of her needs. I visit many times a week, unannounced.

For those who are caretaking at home, I have the greatest admiration and kindest feelings for you. I know it's difficult and you're fortunate to be able to do it. There are many levels of AD, and many stages, and many different responses from each individual patient.

I feel that my mom's circumstances and responses needed more than I could give. And, my own family has learned from this experience. If this horrible disease is in my own future, my dh and daughters have explicit orders from me that if I behave the same as my Mom, I want a NH. I would never expect my children to endure what I have with my MOM. I would not expect, nor want it for them. There is no correlation at all between caring for and raising a child, to the outrageous behavior that this disease can induce.

Just my 2 cents.




I relented on my vow to keep her with me when there was nothing else I could do to calm her.

BRAVO Sandy! Well written!

I'm amazed still at how much happier and content you seem to have become in just a few weeks! YOU GO GIRL!!!! :D

Love, Barb

Amen, sister.

The whole cruxt of this issue (IMO) is, do what you can for as long as you can and give yourself permission to enlist medical help and/or other living arrangements if/when you can do no more or if the loved one's behavior or condition require it. NO GUILT.

There are 2 ways that babies come into the world: naturally or by C-section. One is generally perferred, but the other way of giving birth is helpful and even lifesaving when the need is there. Neither method of birth is better or worse, right or wrong.

The same is true of caring for an AD patient. Both home and "other" have their place; neither is right or wrong. No defense needed on either side.

Peace and (((((((hugs))))))) - Barbara :)

Well different circumstances...my mom hasn't been violent yet, and I pray very hard that day won't come. But it does seem that just when things can't get worse..they do. So I shouldn't ever say never.

But at this point she's still begging me daily to never leave her, even though she's not always sure who I am and the words are jumbled and mangled. Then she'll grab and kiss my hands and my heart crumbles into a million pieces. It's impossible not to promise. She doesn't go for the "you'll always be safe" line I've often tried to use.

If it keeps her calm and happy ... promise her the world.

Your immediate concerns should be the fact that she is safe and calm and OK. I don't think they're ever happy because they know their world is crumbling in on them, but they've lost the logic and cognition to reclaim their former life back.

This really is a horrible disease. I've seen family's torn apart (and been involved in same) because of it. It brings out the best in people, it brings out the worst in people.

I would promise my ex-charge the world to make her smile, but it was never enough (and she never quite understood what I said either which was sad).

*sigh*
Sally

Hi All,

You guys, especially Sandyspen, have said it all - on this thread. I would try, but I could not say it any better!

I think that every case is different. The main thing - the important thing, is that they are safe, clean, fed and cared for. Happy if they can be, warm if they need to be, and entertained if it would get thru to them! I am not looking forward to what all of yall are going thru or have been thru. In fact, I think, I will be there soon enuf!

Take care and keep up the wonderful, helpful caregiving, no matter where our charges are living!

Love, Wannabe

If it keeps her calm and happy ... promise her the world. Awww, you really are an angel and I was always amazed at how much you did for so many. Superwoman with a heart of gold. :angel: How blessed your former charges were to have you, and all the new people whose lives you will touch.

Yes, why not promise her the world. Afterall, we no sooner were out the hospital doors when mom had no idea why she had bandages or that she'd even been in the hospital. This after hours of shaking so bad you would think she had been plugged into an electrical outlet, crying, and begging to go home (to eat for the millionth time, ack).

Something I just remembered. It may or may not be helpful to some of you.

When my grandma said "I want to go home to mama", we'd just say "Ok. After supper." By the time supper came around, she forgot she wanted to go home.

We learned to keep our sentences simple and short. It worked for a while until she got really bad. But there was a time when we'd try to explain that her mama had passed. She'd start crying like it just happened. It was not one of our best ideas, for sure. Another time we'd try to say "Ok. But I have to do this or that and then I can take you after I take a shower and get dressed." Nope. That don't work either. We realized that by the time we got to the second thing we were going to do, she was already so confused that she was getting upset. Then came the crying and screaming and carrying on.

Keep it simple and short. It might work for a while. It did for us, like I said, until she got really bad.

Love, Barb

That worked for us, too. When Mom was crying because she thought her mother didn't know where she was, I said, "I told your mama where you are. She said it's okay."
Say what you need to that makes your loved one more calm and happier. God understands.

(((((((((group hug)))))))))) Barbara :)