weepyone
03-20-2006, 04:07 PM
has anyone got any advice for dealing with my mil?
she was neasty to me through my pg and previous m/c not showing any interest or really wanting to talk about my pg or the baby even though this is her first grandchild. anyway i could tell you loads of terrible examples of her nastiness and selfishness but would bore you to tears.
anyway now she won't stay away and when she sees ds she keeps trying to wake him up just so she can see his eyes :eek: . silly woman. the other day she spent 3 hours trying to wake him up by keep rocking him and making noises intermitantly i was so proud of ds as he stayed fast asleep ha ha to her. i don't want her to pick him up whilst he is sleeping but i mean what kind of person wakes a sleeping baby to see his eyes??? the best laugh i had was when she told me she did not sleep for 2 nights after ds was born because she kept seeing his face when she closed her eyes lol this like i say from a woman who was as cold as ice to me during my pg and could not appear to bare talking about ds before he arrived.
so my question is how do i get her to do as i want her to and leave ds asleep or in his crib when he needs to be resting without me seeming to be the bad person here? she is coming tomorrow with dh aunty and the 2 of them will be like knowalls and i don't want them to snap at me or be rude to me. ant answers would be gratefully recieved :)
she was neasty to me through my pg and previous m/c not showing any interest or really wanting to talk about my pg or the baby even though this is her first grandchild. anyway i could tell you loads of terrible examples of her nastiness and selfishness but would bore you to tears.
anyway now she won't stay away and when she sees ds she keeps trying to wake him up just so she can see his eyes :eek: . silly woman. the other day she spent 3 hours trying to wake him up by keep rocking him and making noises intermitantly i was so proud of ds as he stayed fast asleep ha ha to her. i don't want her to pick him up whilst he is sleeping but i mean what kind of person wakes a sleeping baby to see his eyes??? the best laugh i had was when she told me she did not sleep for 2 nights after ds was born because she kept seeing his face when she closed her eyes lol this like i say from a woman who was as cold as ice to me during my pg and could not appear to bare talking about ds before he arrived.
so my question is how do i get her to do as i want her to and leave ds asleep or in his crib when he needs to be resting without me seeming to be the bad person here? she is coming tomorrow with dh aunty and the 2 of them will be like knowalls and i don't want them to snap at me or be rude to me. ant answers would be gratefully recieved :)
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sickofit
03-20-2006, 04:51 PM
hey weepy! I lurk on the infant boards occasionally since I'm so ready for this kid to come out! I have lots of experience with a mil that I am less than friendly with. The funny thing is that we got along very well until I got pregnant with our first (who is now 5). I told her that I wasn't comfortable b/feeding and she couldn't understand and would mail me books and breastfeeding! Very passive aggressive!! she always had to tell me how she did something, and how I might try that since she knows more about me than raising kids... yeah 30 years ago!!!!!
The only suggestion I have (as I know how trying to put your foot down makes you look like the a**hole) is to say that he had a bad night and he really needs his sleep... or chicken out and make your dh tell her!
Good luck!
The only suggestion I have (as I know how trying to put your foot down makes you look like the a**hole) is to say that he had a bad night and he really needs his sleep... or chicken out and make your dh tell her!
Good luck!
Ratatosk
03-20-2006, 05:40 PM
My inlaws never listen to a word I say. On the one hand the birth of DS sorta brought the family closer together -- we've always had an uncomfortable relationship -- basically 'cuz they made it known that they didn't much care for me when I first started dating DH and got in the middle of a disagreement between DH & me vs. DH's brother's psychotic wife and took her side on everything for "the sake of the grandchildren".
Anyway, we just kept repeating "Never wake a sleeping child". In any event, kids pick up on certain vibes at a very young age -- your baby will probably decide early on that grandma's disturbing his sleep and won't want to have any part of that.
People are excited to see the baby. Maybe arrange for them to visit when you know DS is going to be awake. Also, we required anyone who wanted to hold DS to wash their hands -- make sure you do that when they walk in the door 'cuz there are a lot of germs going around this spring.
Anyway, we just kept repeating "Never wake a sleeping child". In any event, kids pick up on certain vibes at a very young age -- your baby will probably decide early on that grandma's disturbing his sleep and won't want to have any part of that.
People are excited to see the baby. Maybe arrange for them to visit when you know DS is going to be awake. Also, we required anyone who wanted to hold DS to wash their hands -- make sure you do that when they walk in the door 'cuz there are a lot of germs going around this spring.
Celestine
03-20-2006, 06:22 PM
The only suggestion I have (as I know how trying to put your foot down makes you look like the a**hole) is to say that he had a bad night and he really needs his sleep... or chicken out and make your dh tell her!
Good luck!
Talking to you DH about it isn't a bad idea. It's his mom, so maybe he should step up and let her know. He's obviously going to have a stronger relationship with her than you do so she might listen to him. He should back you up. If he doesn't, you might just have to straight out say it. It's your baby and she needs to respect that now.
Good luck!
Talking to you DH about it isn't a bad idea. It's his mom, so maybe he should step up and let her know. He's obviously going to have a stronger relationship with her than you do so she might listen to him. He should back you up. If he doesn't, you might just have to straight out say it. It's your baby and she needs to respect that now.
Ratatosk
03-20-2006, 06:28 PM
Sounds to me as if it's an attention getting thing and that she's a little poorly socialized. Excited about having a grandchild and then thinking she's being funny about wanting to see his eyes. When people at work bring in a new baby, it's usually sleeping and we'll quietly joke --- pinch her, wake her up we wanna see her eyes. BUT, it's said in jest and no one would dare intentionally wake up a sleeping baby.
Also, it's an adjustment period. You're probably sleep deprived, raging hormones, pretty sensitive to things, plus you have to play nice with a MIL who drives you nuts in the first place. Just take a deep breath. Mention it to DS prior to their visit and maybe if she says it again while he's around he can have a talk with her.
Also, it's an adjustment period. You're probably sleep deprived, raging hormones, pretty sensitive to things, plus you have to play nice with a MIL who drives you nuts in the first place. Just take a deep breath. Mention it to DS prior to their visit and maybe if she says it again while he's around he can have a talk with her.
dizzygirl
03-20-2006, 07:21 PM
I would say " he's been up all night and finally sleeping for the first time today ( which may already be the truth), if she still does not get the hint, I would spell it out for her, she's obviously missing some common sense!
MJCota
03-20-2006, 07:25 PM
My sister has a crazy MIL who never listens to her hints. So she finally just came out and told her. My niece would only sleep if someone held her bc ppl would always hold her while she was sleeping, so to break the habit my sister asked us not to hold her while she was sleep or getting drowsy so she would fall asleep on her own. It began working perfectly but her mil would still pick her up while she was sleeping or hold her while she was falling asleep. My sister got sick of it and just told her..nicely! It worked eventually, she had to tell her a few times. I'd just tell her straight up what you perfer.
2fast4u
03-20-2006, 08:25 PM
My MIL is one nasty women. The whole time DH and I dated she tried to come between us and find DH another women. Then she called me exactly 2 times when I pg to ask me how I was feeling. I could go on. But now she wants to be involved and see DS but I have come up with a few lines to prevent her from doing things her way. If she asks to hold him, I say no, thanks it is alright, I have him. But in your case I would tell her if he gets woken up from a nap, he is really cranky and just cries and cries and that would not be nice for him. But when he wakes up on his own he is really happy and may even smile at her.
feb06baby
03-20-2006, 09:01 PM
I also have a crazy MIL. I actually have two MIL's because DH has a step mother. The Step MIL thinks she is my best friend and calls me all the time to talk for hours. :rolleyes: His real mother is a nut case. She'll be really nice for a while and then all of a sudden becomes a drama queen outta nowhere. She also had nothing to do with me while I was pregnant. She actually called DH to chew him out as to why we were leaving her outta this pregnancy! Supposivly, it was my job to call and tell her all about it. It's kind of hard to do that when she's always so nice to me. Anyhow since DD has been born she has been all about seeing the baby, and has even set up an old crib and changing table in her home for DD.... which is fine but...whatever...lol (we are not there all that often. Maybe it's a hint for us to visit more!)
Anyhow I know how you feel and would do the things suggested by other posters. Eventually she'll get the hint!
Anyhow I know how you feel and would do the things suggested by other posters. Eventually she'll get the hint!
Gayle0000
03-21-2006, 08:25 AM
Oh boy...I've got a terrible MIL too. My situation got bad enough that my IL's are not allowed in our house/on our property. I refuse all contact/communication/gifts/etc. DH's contact is extremely limited (by his own choice)...and IL's do not get to see the baby unless supervised at all times by DH. No babysitting, and no private time with DD. My Independence Day from IL's was February 17, 2006...so my wounds are still pretty fresh...but at least they have a chance to heal now.
So, now you see where I'm coming from when you read my response to your post...
In reading your post, the thing that stands out the most is the following:
"how do i get her to do as i want her to and leave ds asleep or in his crib when he needs to be resting without me seeming to be the bad person here?"
My answer to that is you are the mother and if your son is sleeping and you do not want MIL to wake him, then you need to be sure MIL does not wake him. Your kid, your house, your rules. Sounds simple...but when you're dealing with someone who is self-centered, they don't really care what YOU/THE PARENT has to say. It's only about what they want.
There will always be situations where somebody has to be the bad person. If your MIL was "normal" like most people, she would respect your wishes without question and the "bad person" label wouldn't even come up. Most people are able to take hints and able to respect boundaries. Self-centered and selfish people can't and won't figure out hints. Trust me on this one. They need to be told forthright in the most simple way possible what the deal is.
The longer you allow your MIL to have her way with issues that matter to you...on your own turf...and you either say nothing or continually compromise, the more you are teaching her that her behaviors are okay.
If it were me...
If your son is sleeping when MIL shows up...you probably have a good idea of what time your son will probably wake up (sometimes not, though). Just tell MIL that "DS is sleeping right now...if he's not awake on his own by 2:00pm (or whatever), I'll see if I can get him up." You have set the rule. You don't negotiate on it. Keep yourself physically between DS's room and MIL in the proximity of seating in your house if necessary. If MIL tries to enter the room on her own, stand up and just maintain a barrier.
Have some coffee & rolls or something to keep them entertained while your son is napping. Not that this would keep her quiet, but it's something to possibly distract her. You are being a cordial hostess.
You could ask MIL if she could help you out by running out to the store to pick up a pack of wipes before your son wakes up...it would help you out a lot & give her the cash (my MIL would be very offended by this but she's a witch anyway). Makes MIL feel like she is needed.
You could use the opportunity to chat with MIL about herself (because that's what self-centered people want to talk about) and get her talking enough about her favorite topics so she doesn't feel the wait-time/nap time is wasted time. Makes MIL feel you are interested in her as a person.
Hopefully it won't get this far, but if MIL wants to discuss WHY you need to let your son sleep, all you need to say is that he's __ months old and needs to nap. The more you try to explain your actions with lots of reasons & excuses on why you are correct, the more these people will take that information and twist it, argue, and try to negotiate with you. They may also hold it against you and use it as some sort of weapon later to either embarrass, humiliate, or destroy you.
Gosh...I hope your MIL isn't that bad. My DH has a couple female friends who are kind of pushy and like to take control in my house when it comes to the baby. The above tactics worked like a charm with the friends and still keeps the friendships and respect levels intact. These tactics did not work with MIL...but my MIL has some serious dysfunctional beliefs and we will never change her, nor will she back down; hence the Independence Day.
Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gayle
So, now you see where I'm coming from when you read my response to your post...
In reading your post, the thing that stands out the most is the following:
"how do i get her to do as i want her to and leave ds asleep or in his crib when he needs to be resting without me seeming to be the bad person here?"
My answer to that is you are the mother and if your son is sleeping and you do not want MIL to wake him, then you need to be sure MIL does not wake him. Your kid, your house, your rules. Sounds simple...but when you're dealing with someone who is self-centered, they don't really care what YOU/THE PARENT has to say. It's only about what they want.
There will always be situations where somebody has to be the bad person. If your MIL was "normal" like most people, she would respect your wishes without question and the "bad person" label wouldn't even come up. Most people are able to take hints and able to respect boundaries. Self-centered and selfish people can't and won't figure out hints. Trust me on this one. They need to be told forthright in the most simple way possible what the deal is.
The longer you allow your MIL to have her way with issues that matter to you...on your own turf...and you either say nothing or continually compromise, the more you are teaching her that her behaviors are okay.
If it were me...
If your son is sleeping when MIL shows up...you probably have a good idea of what time your son will probably wake up (sometimes not, though). Just tell MIL that "DS is sleeping right now...if he's not awake on his own by 2:00pm (or whatever), I'll see if I can get him up." You have set the rule. You don't negotiate on it. Keep yourself physically between DS's room and MIL in the proximity of seating in your house if necessary. If MIL tries to enter the room on her own, stand up and just maintain a barrier.
Have some coffee & rolls or something to keep them entertained while your son is napping. Not that this would keep her quiet, but it's something to possibly distract her. You are being a cordial hostess.
You could ask MIL if she could help you out by running out to the store to pick up a pack of wipes before your son wakes up...it would help you out a lot & give her the cash (my MIL would be very offended by this but she's a witch anyway). Makes MIL feel like she is needed.
You could use the opportunity to chat with MIL about herself (because that's what self-centered people want to talk about) and get her talking enough about her favorite topics so she doesn't feel the wait-time/nap time is wasted time. Makes MIL feel you are interested in her as a person.
Hopefully it won't get this far, but if MIL wants to discuss WHY you need to let your son sleep, all you need to say is that he's __ months old and needs to nap. The more you try to explain your actions with lots of reasons & excuses on why you are correct, the more these people will take that information and twist it, argue, and try to negotiate with you. They may also hold it against you and use it as some sort of weapon later to either embarrass, humiliate, or destroy you.
Gosh...I hope your MIL isn't that bad. My DH has a couple female friends who are kind of pushy and like to take control in my house when it comes to the baby. The above tactics worked like a charm with the friends and still keeps the friendships and respect levels intact. These tactics did not work with MIL...but my MIL has some serious dysfunctional beliefs and we will never change her, nor will she back down; hence the Independence Day.
Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gayle
Laur77
03-21-2006, 09:31 AM
I can't believe how many of us have horrid in-laws. It is really very sad. I used to think "Everybody Loves Raymond" was funny...until I got married. My DH told me his mom was selfish, wacky, nutso, etc, etc before we got married, but I never believed it. Well did her true colours come out after the wedding. Well I've always taken the high road and lived with it and forgave her. But this past Christmas was the last straw. I won't get into it, but she basically lost it and (along with her husband, DH's stepfather who basically goes along with everything she says) sent us a 20 page email pointing out all the terrible things we have ever done (my hubby going back to the time he was 2). We got this on Christmas Eve, the night before DS first Christmas. We were so upset that Christmas was ruined. Eventually DH decided to forgive, and try to have a relationship. That's fine, but I will never be able to forgive them and now I don't try to be the sweet daughter-in-law. It is actually a big load off. I speak my mind, and if they really want to know I will tell them that I am only in their lives because DH wants me to be. It actually makes me sick when they hold DS and pretend like everything is great and wonderful. They are so fake, and to be honest, I think they care more about the status of being grand-parents than they care about DS. I am not a malicious person, and I hate being made to feel like a terrible person. My own mother is so ferious with them for putting me through this, I am afraid to ever have them in the same room now, lol! I know it's not easy, and I don't suggest you go to these extremes, but I would definitely suggest putting your foot down now or she'll always think she can get away with it. She may be a little ticked, but it is your child and you have every right to do things your way. Good luck!
friday13
03-21-2006, 09:59 AM
Gayle - LOVE the independence DAY! wooooo hoooo! I am almost there! we are officially trying to ban my inlaws from visiting... they try to stay for weeks at a time and are so rude and never spoke to me during my pregnancy either - and I don't even have a mom. you would think my mil would be nice but whatever. my FIL is just as bad as the mom in law... anyway... they were a disaster during the week of valentines that they were visiting and very rude and they just suck. So we decided that we will go see them (they live 4 hours by flight) away...
And only stay like 2 nights and at a hotel at that! so they can't stay in our home. we have asked that they cut their visit shorter and they lie to us and stay longer. its terrible. and they are miserable... she was bouncing my premie baby all over that place when visiting we BOTH asked her stop on many occasions and finally I had to grab her arm and take hte baby away and use a forceful voice.
they are still emailing (not calling) and wanting to fly in and stay for a week to visit the baby - first grandchild... adn I am with the person who said they want the status of being grandparents - totally... its not hte grandchild.... although they focus on that - its more of a selfish status thing.
Good luck -
my advice don't be nice ANY MORE! they don't respect your wishes or your home - don't respect them. And your husband should be the one to try to handle it - but they are not always around so it falls on YOU... who cares .. they don't like you anyway right? you have done everything to make them like you... so now do everything to make them NOT like you - and see what comes of it. LOL
dont be unreasonable - but stand your ground and let em have it.
I still can't believe I grabbed my MIL's arm - LOL and it was FIRM.... LOL
friday
7 weeks pp
And only stay like 2 nights and at a hotel at that! so they can't stay in our home. we have asked that they cut their visit shorter and they lie to us and stay longer. its terrible. and they are miserable... she was bouncing my premie baby all over that place when visiting we BOTH asked her stop on many occasions and finally I had to grab her arm and take hte baby away and use a forceful voice.
they are still emailing (not calling) and wanting to fly in and stay for a week to visit the baby - first grandchild... adn I am with the person who said they want the status of being grandparents - totally... its not hte grandchild.... although they focus on that - its more of a selfish status thing.
Good luck -
my advice don't be nice ANY MORE! they don't respect your wishes or your home - don't respect them. And your husband should be the one to try to handle it - but they are not always around so it falls on YOU... who cares .. they don't like you anyway right? you have done everything to make them like you... so now do everything to make them NOT like you - and see what comes of it. LOL
dont be unreasonable - but stand your ground and let em have it.
I still can't believe I grabbed my MIL's arm - LOL and it was FIRM.... LOL
friday
7 weeks pp
Ratatosk
03-21-2006, 11:07 AM
It really helps if DH is supportive, too! Years ago we had to "fire my SIL" because she was causing a lot of problems. Got a 5 page letter on my wedding day telling DH that he forgave him and his parents for ever getting involved with me, quoting the bible, etc. Oh, joy! DS has some health issues, spent the first 6 weeks of life in the NICU and while he's relatively healthy, we still make sure that people who are sick keep their distance.
My FIL has always had sinus infections and carries around this nasty hanky and I've caught him several times trying to use it to wipe formula or baby food off DS's face while he's eating. It's gotten to the point that I've had to yell "get that nasty hanky away from his face". He claims it's freshly washed, bleached, but he's just in such a habit of using that thing that he doesn't realize that he's wiped his nose with hit.
Recently my MIL made a comment that FIL would've come over to help me with DS's nebulizer treatment while DH was on a trip, but I probably wouldn't like him coughing all over DS. Yep, he's right. Sinus infection causing a cough is still coughing germs all over. Guess it's time for DH to have another talk since I'm apparently invisible.
Of course my own mother isn't much better. She's such a drama queen, center of attention -- constantly going on and on about her symptoms and how much like DS she is. When DS was in the NICU, my father was allowed to fly in and visit, but my mother wasn't 'cuz it would've been too stressful. She would have made it all about her.
My FIL has always had sinus infections and carries around this nasty hanky and I've caught him several times trying to use it to wipe formula or baby food off DS's face while he's eating. It's gotten to the point that I've had to yell "get that nasty hanky away from his face". He claims it's freshly washed, bleached, but he's just in such a habit of using that thing that he doesn't realize that he's wiped his nose with hit.
Recently my MIL made a comment that FIL would've come over to help me with DS's nebulizer treatment while DH was on a trip, but I probably wouldn't like him coughing all over DS. Yep, he's right. Sinus infection causing a cough is still coughing germs all over. Guess it's time for DH to have another talk since I'm apparently invisible.
Of course my own mother isn't much better. She's such a drama queen, center of attention -- constantly going on and on about her symptoms and how much like DS she is. When DS was in the NICU, my father was allowed to fly in and visit, but my mother wasn't 'cuz it would've been too stressful. She would have made it all about her.
2fast4u
03-21-2006, 11:40 AM
I went to my IL's house the other day and my MIL has a sign hanging by her back door that reads "Grandmas Babysitting Service . . .blah, balh, blah". Appearantly she bought this sign for herself and hung it there as a hint to me, I guess. :rolleyes: She is so horrible and nasty that she only sees DS about once a month and I never leave him alone with her for a minute. And as everyone else said I think it comes down to the grandparent status. The other day I was there and the only thing she had said to me and DS was, HI. DH wasn't around or I am sure she would have said more, she plays it up for DH. And then some one else stopped over her house and she is like look that is my grandson and is going on and on to them. PLEAZE! DS is the first grandchild and great-grandchild on both sides of our families.
Ratatosk
03-21-2006, 12:26 PM
DH asked once why I didn't take DS over to his parents to play when he was out of town 'cuz they'd love to see him. I said, because they claim they miss him and want to spend time with him, but when we get there, I end up chasing after him, playing with him... I can do that at home. FIL sits in his chair and yells at MIL to change DS's diaper. MIL sits on the phone gabbing with her friends or sisters about how DS is over visiting and how smart he is.