hi everyone, excellent site, which I may be coming back to alot depending on the outcome of an up and coming test. I had sex in mid jan with a hussy, who I'm almost 100% sure has hiv. The condom broke, not through going flat to the mat, but because we used some sort of lubricant that must have been petroleum based. Over the passed couple of weeks I've had flu-like symptoms, which have only recently left, replaced with fatigue, and leaving me feel like I've just run 10 miles. It's scaring the absolute **** out of me, is there anyone reading this who has experienced something similar? My future seems bleak, and I am preparing for the worst case scenario. The stigma that comes with this is unbelievable, and i am guilty as anyone else when it comes to judging this illness. The only hope I have is that I'm suffering from the onset of chronic fatigue syndrome, which after searching on the internet is still inter-related with hiv, but my history of cannabis abuse and everything that comes with it, the stresses of my job etc. still give me hope that this might be the case. If the test next week comes back +ve I'll need to run away, and busk on the streets for a living cause I don't want my family to find out, I'm thinking about sticking around for a year or so and say a long good-bye leave a note and piss off.HELP!!!

What?!? Well, you seem to jumping the gun here. Stop, take a deep breath, get tested, and deal...

You will be fine (regardless). Running away from those you love wouldn't help you at all. Plus, you probably aren't infected. Symptoms mean very little as HIV has no defined set of symptoms.

And there is little bodily fluid exchange from woman to man - that should provide some comfort to you since HIV is transmitted throught body fluids.

Thanks spec for your reply, I know thats jumping the gun a bit, but is a plan, and when i came up with it, made me cope a bit better with the unknown. To be honest it does sound a bit of a romantic idea, but since this paranoia has set in, I want to see the whole world in all it's new found beauty, your only here once, so I think I might do it in eithercase, and will do, in a legitimate fashion. Before this crisis hit home, I was going to look for a job straight after uni, to ensure financial stability for the long stretch ahead, but this whole episode has given me a complete new perspective, on my life, the world, and hiv/aids sufferers. I have a fuller respect now for everything, including the importance of family, friendship, life, happiness and love.

I'm in a situation now that when I observe the world, and people, it almost brings a tear to my eye, as I know in 10, maybe 20 years( if i'm lucky) I won't be here. I know I'm infected, my body has told me so, for two weeks it ached. I've never gone through anything like that, now I fell wrecked and I have'nt done anything much today, plus I feel a disruption with my appetite, i'm not eating as I normally would (prob cos anxiety.) I thank you for trying to make me feel better, but all this is too much of a coincidence for me, I was healthy before, and can't ever remember having the flu once in my whole life.

I'm sorry if much of this sounds arrogant, but I'm all over the place at the minute, and hope you can understand.
Thanks

I think you need to relax and take a deep breath. First of all you are planning for something that has yet to be proven. Before you jump the gun and assume you are positive there are a few things you need to understand. First off symptoms mean nothing when it comes to HIV. The disease itself has no symptoms of it's own. While it is true that often when people are first infected with HIV they can experience flu like symptoms within weeks of the inital infection, these symptoms mimic so many other illnesses. The second thing you need to understand is this is not an easy disease to catch. So the condom broke. Fine. But that does not guarantee you are infected. The woman you slept with first of all would have to be infected herself and I believe it's about 1 in 350 people in the U.S. are infected. Secondly even if she was infected the odds are still very much in your favour. It is believed that the chances of an infected woman passing this disease off to a man are about 1 in 5000. Seeing the condom held together for most of the time I would say your odds are more like 1 in 10,000 due to less exposure to the virus. What I am saying is before you jump the gun and start planning your funeral and such get yourself tested and go from there. With all likelihood you are worrying over nothing.

Dear Jimmy: People come to this site becuase they have fears and anxieties about their tests or because they've participated in some risky behaviors and are feeling a barge-full of guilt and are penitential. Some come because they are HIV+ and have questions about their meds, how to pay for those meds, or how long they can go without taking medications. ANd still others, feeling certain rejection from the family and friends are searching for a safe harbor, some place to be themselves and work through this disease.

I am glad you decided to come here and I (as HIV+) male am willing to help in any way I possibly can. However, for me, there need to be a few ground-rules. First of all, unless you were a virgin when you slept with this person, their is always the possibility that this "hussy" could be wondering about your status and wondering if she's HIV + becuase you infected her. Second, if she was a sex worker, it is highly probable that she could be HIV negative since to be positive would definately affect her income. And third, why do you think she's HIV+? And, aside from using a petroleum-based lubricant with a condom, the issue is really how you choose to handle this issue.

I suspect that you either are getting tested, or plan to get tested. Obviously, the recommendation is that you need to get tested if, for no other reason, than to give you some peace of mind. I do understand that, in IReland, the stigma associated with HIV is probably greater than in the US. IT doesn't make it any easier, however, not to play the cards you're dealt. By the way, every symptom you've described can easily be associated with anxiety. Calm down! Do what you need to do! And, seriously, tell me what you need from me. chris

Chris,It's a bit of a hazy area when wondering if someones hiv+ve, yes she was a sex worker, from miami, she didn't seem too bothered when the condom broke, the question never came up about hiv. I didn't want to offend her, and assumed she was a professional escort. I do remember saying to her that she's nothing to worry about as regard my health, to which no reply was received. I never give the situation another thought until my body began to ache. I'm 100% sure I was negative before the encounter, I always practise safe sex, however there is always a chance of getting hiv even while using a condom, so say that I was positive, chance's are I would have infected her. Being in her game this situations will have occurred many times, and she was very neglegent to use that kind of lubricant, which leads me to the conclusion she doesn't care if she is infected because she already is. It would harm her game?... but I'm not sure it would cos people over here don't like shouting out their hiv+ve , who would you turn too to shout your grievance's at anyway. Also questionable is what is she doing working here instead of Miami? I know where I'd rather be. I'm putting this whole thing to bed on weds, getting a blood test, and arranging to meet this girl. I know she'll say she's negative, but I'll go by reactions and facial expressions etc.. and make my own conclusions.

Interestingly Chris you mentioned anxiety as a possible cause of this. I assume then that virus's aren't the only thing that can trigger this off? I already said that I had abused cannabis, but I have also abused alcohol, but have taken the foot of the pedal over the past couple of months. Because of this lifestyle I've had symptoms of depression/schizophrenia for the past 5 years, I have'nt been diagnosed though, but I detect somethings up. I know this might not be your area of expertise, but I think before I began getting body aches, my thought processes began improving, I had visited a hypnotherapist also, which helped me. Could this mental progression, in conjunction with working harder, putting myself under pressure(I work in an office, not a pen pusher, but engineering type activities) bring on body aches and subsequent fatigue? In other words has my body just been brought up to speed with my mind? I think I might ask my hypnotherapist that question.

Also, I know hiv has no defined symptoms but there is a bruise around my genitals, I don't know where it came from. I also get occassional itchy legs, no rash though. My throat also occasionally hurts, but itchiness in legs is more common. While I'm at it, I also get headaches, not severe though and i can usually deal with any activities I'm doing. I also quite regularly get tingling in my feet, which I know has been a symptom with other hiv+ve people (message board resourse), and tingling on other parts of the body. I just feel like my body is trying to deal with a foreign invasion.

Krask, I'd love to know where these statistics are drawn from, they're very reassuring, but can they be true? I heard somewhere else that in a study 60 hiv+ve women slept with 60 hiv-ve men, and after partnering up and having unprotected sex around 300 times, only one male came out hiv+ve. Something to think about, I might google it.

As regards this site, alot of people I've found that post serious queries of being hiv+ve seem to dissappear. I'm thinking they have found out their hiv+ve, and go elsewhere to a more in depth site, and don't post that their hiv+ve. Otherwise they would be only glad to let everyone know their -ve. Especially heinekin, if you can remember him, I read his thread, and he seems to have been in the same boat as myself. I'd like to know where he went to.



Anyway thanks alot guys for your help, your my rock.

Jimmy the statistics I stated are estimates based upon conclusions from doctors from their studies. They tracked some couples where one was positive and the other negative over a set period of time and then tested to see whom was infected. While I cannot promise you the accuracy of these statistics the doctors seem confident that they are accurate. You have to understand the HIV virus is a very weak virus. It dies almost immediately when it is exposed to open air. You also have to understand that the reason why it is so much harder for a woman to infect a man than vice versa is there does not tend to be large quantities of the HIV virus in women's vaginal secretions. Unless you had tiny cuts on the parts of your penis that were exposed to her when the condom broke you really cannot catch this disease from her. I would suggest just relax and don't stress about it. What's done is done and getting all stressed over the situation is not going to help here. I am glad to hear you are going to get yourself tested. You are doing the right thing. Ignorance is not bliss here. Likely you will find out you are negative but in the unfortunate case where you turn out to be infected at least you will know then and be able to work with a doctor to ensure you stay healthy for a long time.

Jimmy: I won't eliminate the possibly of contracting the disease but I would, seriously, raise to question all the hypotheticals and presumptions. I have always said that 'sometimes a cold is just a cold'. For whatever reason, you seem to be beating yourself to death over this. The fact is that everything you have brought her is speculative. Your aches, leg itches, headaches, etc. etc. etc. seem to be a productive of your anxiety. Please, if you really think you need to, and for your own peace of mind, please get tested...chris

actually the reason that it is harder for a woman to give it to a man is because the point of transmission would have to be the urethra (unless noted cuts on the penis) which has bodily fluids coming out of it, not in and the womans vagina/cervix/uterus are organs that that absorb bodily fluids thus a much larger area for HIV to get into.

may variables go into the stats, but you have a 1/500-1/8000 chance of HIV transmission from a person with a + status per each encounter. So even if she did have HIV, the situation you described would be more in the 1/8000 range in my opinion.

hey there, I know what you mean, i just wanted to run away aslo , i pretty much except it now,i have not and will not tell my family, but after a couple of weeks things get easyer and thinking becomes more rational. or at least for me it did, the first two weeks just sucks tho. hang in there,i thought it was the end also but things are looking up after a couple of weeks, just started takeing my meds and so far no side effects at all, so hang in there and give yourself a couple of weeks before you make plans to leave;.any help i can offer let me know

camper---
this poster has not tested positive. by the wording in your post it sounded as though you thought that he did. he is having a real hard time with anxiety over his possible exposure. or did i miss something?

OK folks, I've had a chilled out past few days, I took on board some of your advice and tried to relax a bit. Over that period i reached a point where I decided that, what will be will be. I had a test done the other day for everything, and the results will be back next week. It's the procedure we have in place over here, that I will be contacted if anything serious is wrong. If there is I will be getting a call on or before wednesday of next week. Bloody hell, it is all nerve wrecking, I will be crossing out every day on a bit of paper, and my phone will be watched like a hawk all week.

I am still fatigued and in work can't concentrate on anything, the odd time I'd slip away and go to a dis-used office and just nap for about 15-20 mins, this next week is going to be hard. It will be a countdown to find out if this mistake I made will be regretted the rest of my life, or it will be the spectacle of a thousand white doves taking flight.

It's difficult to think that the agony my body went through for two weeks could be down to stress and depression. Is the mind capable of doing this? I only hope so!

From what I've heard, yes the mind and body are very able to do that as a result of anxiety, same thing happened to me. Hang in there :)